Even as my relationship becomes more stable, there are still huge swings in how I feel about socks jock in our long distance relationship. When I fly down to see him, it’s just so incredibly surreal for the both of us. Everything is fast paced as we try to fit in as much quality time with each other. It’s a whirring adventure that ends too soon. So, that’s the upside. The downside is a combination of things including the fact that I am nearly a decade older than him, the sex is not the greatest and I’m afraid to fall in love with him because these two things are pretty huge.
Looking at the downside in more detail, him being nearly a decade younger than me makes me worry that we will at some point be in different stages in life and I will likely be ready to settle down before he is. Actually, let’s be honest, if I found the right man today, I’d be willing to settle down almost immediately. The sex is not good because my chemical attraction to him is a bit rocky with me being on birth control pills and him detoxing from his hormonal therapy. Also, he doesn’t go down on me very often. All things combine, these things make it hard for me to fall in love with him… I actually think that I can fall in love with him but I’m holding myself back because I’m not sure what he would do if I was full on, 100% in love with him.
Okay, so have I brought these things up with him? No, because it’s too heavy a topic to bring up with someone who I am visiting in a different country for just a few days. As I write this, I am not willing to let go of this relationship since it’s the most purest and most meaningful connection that I’ve made with anyone since I’ve started dating. We’re both trying very hard to maintain this long distance position and I think that as long as he is putting in an effort then I will too.
I want to see where this relationship will go and actually with the chemistry that we have, I am too curious and I need to see where this goes. However, there’s this part of me too that reminds me of my ticking fertility clock. That is actually a huge part of my insecurities, however I can’t be dating on a timeline. Does it really make sense to be factoring in my fertility timelines when I date? Especially when I’m not ready to make babies at this moment, I just want to at some point in the near future and I want to kind of know that when I get to this point that he would also be ready around the same time that I am… but how can I be so sure when he is almost 10 years younger than me? It also doesn’t seem like a practical thing to ask him when he would be ready if I’m not ready myself.
Maybe it’s my uterus talking to me and I should just shut it out. Shut up uterus, I just want to fall in love right now.