Two Guys, One Night

I guess it was bound to happen seeing that I had two guys in my roster.  Actually Mr. International was pissing me off when he decided not to come over on Saturday night.  I kept it chill and took time to myself, did some power cleaning and reevaluation of my life and online shopping.  And when he invited me over Sunday night, I agreed but saw that he was still texting his ex-girlfriend.  From time to time, I see him texting her, but he never brings it up and just tells me he is messaging his guys.  I’m feeling on-edge about the relationship, but he was making me a steak dinner and giving me a massage.

Nearing the end of the night, I got a message from the Rock Climber to say that he was up for the booty call.  I had been so horny that morning that I had messaged him for a quick one.  I was thinking I’ll head over to his place after, I wasn’t sure if Mr. International was feeling sex, I always feel like I initiate.  I did initiate but he didn’t seem to be going straight for it, and so I figure we could have an intimate cuddling evening and I can head over to get what I needed from the Rock Climber.

Mr. International and I talked and as usual, he is super casual with his conversation, asking me questions about volleyball rules (apparently I’m his handbook guide to volleyball rules).  I started asking him about what he would be okay with in terms of boundaries for the relationship.  I asked if a massage would be okay.  Basically he said everything is okay but he would not be okay if I had sex with another person, which would mean that I clearly had an on-going relationship with them.  He confirmed that it wouldn’t be considered cheating because we weren’t official yet – so great, at least I know I’m not cheating on him, but he did say he wasn’t okay with me having a continued relationship with another person.  The good thing about all of this is that we have the same understanding of the relationship and it actually doesn’t surprise me.  The bad thing about this is that the relationship is a lot more casual than I thought.  It’s not that it’s not going somewhere, I think there is still that potential for it to develop further, but the other part is that because of this casual mentality, it feels more just like companionship.

Mr. International did start initiating with me!  He actually went down on me, which is super rare.  He did a good job too.  Sex with him was good, but he did this thing where he said I should ask him for permission to orgasm… well, that didn’t go down well.  Because a few times I felt like I was close, but asking to come was too much work.  When it finally came down to it (I guess he wanted to orgasm together), it was too much pressure and I tensed up, and he couldn’t finish.  Disappointing.  He took a break, and as we went a second round, we were disturbed by a phone call (it was the Rock Climber, shit!), which I got up to decline, but he just couldn’t get back into it.

I left and went over to the Rock Climber’s place.  We did some small banter, he showed me a cool volleyball move, and was actually SO much better of a coach than Volleyball Coach (who actually, I bumped into at the beach the other day and he gave me the look-away when I waved AWKWARD!).  Sex with the Rock Climber was good.  So glad we did just one round before he conked out.  I debated staying but decided that I want to be focused the next day and it would be better to just leave.

Okay, so aside from these relationship things, I’ve decided that I’m going back to work a real regular job in the next two months.  I’ve been worrying a lot about my income.  It’s funny because at one point, I wanted to see if I could make a living doing phone sex, and the answer to that is probably not.  I’ve been picking that up along with some side jobs to get extra cash.  I feel like I’m hustling in all respects, but it might just be better if I could get a steady income.  I will continue to drive my entrepreneur business on the side is what I’m thinking.  There is just too much uncertainty in my life and I feel so unstable.  This idea of wanting a relationship that moves forward is thrown out the door.  I’m in no position to settle down in a relationship, or have the money to move in with anyone or even think about getting married or having children!  Money definitely needs to come before all of these steps.

For now, my relationship with Mr. International is stable.  While it is companionship, it is what I need at this particular moment.  Come the end of the summer, and after Mr. International has gone on his all guys bachelor party that he has been highly anticipating, I’ll see where the relationship can go.  Until now, I’m going to enjoy summer and continue juggling both Mr. International and the Rock Climber.

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The Blur of Juggling Multiple Guys

My dating life is just a blur.  Monday night, Mr. International and I went to an event downtown with free pizza and beer.  I told him that I had plans with my platonic friend Raspberry later and he was cool with that and said he would go home for a run.  I was hoping to kill a bit more time with him, so we ended up at a marijuana shop and bought some edibles.  I go meet Raspberry, he was at a suit fitting shop so I came to join him.  We ate a marijuana gummy, didn’t feel like much and headed to go get some Vietnamese food.  It had been awhile since we caught up.  He told me about his new girlfriend in LA, they were getting really serious really quickly.  He crashed on my couch after the gummy hit us both and then he left after about two hours.  Then I crashed on my bed and that was Monday.

Tuesday, I was finally feeling better and my period had lightened up.  Mr. International and I went to play archery tag, something that he is super into.  When we were in the car going up, all I could think about was how horny I was!  He said it’s not practical tonight because we were going to do archery tag until late.  I wasn’t happy with that answer, and sent a text to the Rock Climber who seems way more open about having sex anytime.  Archery tag was great, Mr. International was so excited to show me the game and introduce me to all of his archery tag friends.  He introduced me as his “friend”, which is fine, but to me it felt like affirmation that we just weren’t there yet.  Mr. International kept asking me if I was having fun and it felt like he really went out of his way and at the same time he felt really good that I was enjoying one of his favourite past times.

Still Tuesday, I noticed that I got a message back from the Rock Climber who was up to meet for a late night session.  I dropped off Mr. International at his place, and he didn’t show signs that he wanted to have sex so I headed to the Rock Climber’s place.  They actually live just less than 10 mins drive away from each other.  Rock Climber was also just coming back from volleyball and late night dinner so it worked out well because we were both still sweaty.  I parked my car out front, hopped into his car and started to feel excited that I finally would get some action.  I asked if I could shower at his place and he said sure.  Oh, did I mention that since I was on my period and we weren’t really on the same page this past weekend, Mr. International and I did not have sex so I was really riled up by this point.  I get to the Rock Climber’s place and he hands me a towel and let me shower first, really gentlemanly of him considering the type of person that he is (self-centered, egotistical, etc.).  I told him that I’m on my period, I knew he wouldn’t mind but he still made a negative comment anyway.  We talked about how I was going on birth control.

After we both showered, we got down to business right away.  He dimmed the lights and put on some sexy music.  I massaged his back and chest, while we had a conversation about my situation with Mr. International and how he isn’t so sexually driven.  He joked about me setting him up with one of my girlfriends, which I initially thought was an idea, but then realized how awkward that idea was.  It was just light conversation.  I was on top riding him for a really long time, and it was really enjoyable.  I came, and then it seemed like he was taking forever to cum and I got off.  He said he came but I wasn’t so sure.  He said he wanted to go again but needed a minute.  We snuggled for a bit, he suggested some anal play.  He got me to lick his butthole (first time I’ve ever done that), not sure how I feel about it, pretty sure I don’t like that.  He asked to do anal, I was reluctant, but eventually agreed.  He lubed me up but just didn’t spend enough time with that so it felt uncomfortable when he entered and we just went back to having vaginal sex with him on top.  This time he definitely came inside me.  It felt good to have some come inside me without a condom.  First time in maybe almost five years.

Rock Climber wanted to sleep immediately.  I asked him for a shirt, and he said to pick one from his closet, but later got up and decided to give me a brand new sweater that just so happens to fit me perfectly!  As I left, he suggested making a sex tape, to which I said absolutely not, but then added that I was flattered, to which he immediately retracted his statement.  I went home feeling satisfied that night.

Wednesday, I was exhausted from the late night rendez-vous with the Rock Climber.  I had agreed to catch-up with the Baseball Guy, who recently got fired from our old company.  I said I owed him dinner and so we went to a local pub, he said he had dinner plans already.  We got a few drinks and small appetizers.  We talked about the old company and his future plans.  I’m now 2.5 drinks in and my tolerance is terrible these days.  I message Mr. International, and he is sending me a slew of messages because he had eaten the marijuana gummy and is now high.  I asked him straight up if he wanted to have sex and he said, “Obviously”.  The baseball guy agreed to drop me off downtown since I said I was meeting up with some friends.  On the drive there, he very directly talked about “us”, and how he very much thinks I’m such a great person.  A part of me wishes that I could love him.  My life would be so easy if I could see through his flaws, but alas, we’ve been there two years ago and I couldn’t do it.

I get dropped off at a bar, and walk to Mr. International’s place.  He was trying to keep his high going and so we smoked up.  It was good, but now I’m high, buzzed and totally exhausted.  I initiated, and we had sex on his pull-out couch because he was washing his sheets.  Thinking about it more, why was he washing his sheets during a weekday?  This guy is clean but he rarely washes his sheets.  A part of me doesn’t think that he is monogamous with me, which in part justifies my actions.  Another thing I noticed a few weeks back was that he finished an entire bottle of Rose wine, a bottle that was actually really nice.  While I told him that I’m on birth control, he made the decision to use a condom anyway since he felt it was too soon and that I haven’t been on it for long enough.

The sex was good as usual.  I said we should go again, and he suggested we can wait for the sheets to dry and do it on his bed.  As I’m snuggling up to him on the couch, he realized I was trying to arouse him again.  I asked him if we could have sex more frequently again (I’ve asked this several times in the relationship), and he said he wants to but our schedules don’t seem to align.  He wasn’t having it and said we should just snuggle.  By the time we got into bed, we were both exhausted and fell asleep.

Thursday night is family night and I went home to pick-up my dogs and almost missed my physio appointment.  Tried to get some action on my phone sex job, but nobody was taking the bait.

Friday night, I’m seeing The Drummer, but our other high school friend will also be there.  An ideal night for me would be to have an easy work day, get up to his place and go out to eat rather than make food.  Call it an early night, go walk the dogs.  I’m not really warming up to The Drummer again.  I think he is great for a staying in kind of guy and I love staying in during the winter, but in the summer I find even more of a personality clash with him.

All things combined, I think I’m really enjoying myself.  Particularly, I really enjoy the sweet way that Mr. International loves my dogs and loves to take care of me despite not thinking that he’s ready to commit to me.  I also love the crazy, sexy and wild flings with no strings attached with the Rock Climber even though he can be an ass sometimes.  The rest of the guys are nice.  I enjoy them more in a platonic kind of way though.  Honestly, my ideal would be if Mr. International can step up to be fully committed, and either he has sex with more more regularly or maybe my sex drive will die down a bit.

Everyone is Back in the Picture Again

I had not seen Mr. International in a few days and I don’t know, I just didn’t really miss him all that much. I didn’t miss him because I didn’t feel that he adds to my life. We spend good times together, but it seems superficial. I really didn’t have a good time with him the last time we hung out. It made me feel anxious.

The Drummer Guy is kind of back in the picture, or at least he’s trying to be back in but I’m not sure about it yet. He wanted to hang out again this weekend, but I wanted to make time for Mr. International.

Mr. International cancelled Friday night archery tag plans with me because he forgot about a party he committed to. I really didn’t care that much that he cancelled. My only thought was that I should figure out what I did want to do.

I planned to stay in and I was feeling alright with that. Then on a whim, The Photographer asked me out for dinner. I said yes. To recap the last time we hung out, I got pissed at him because it seemed like instead of dating me, he just wanted a booty call situation with me. I was done with him after that, but he kind of redeemed himself this evening. He picked ramen for dinner and initially I wasn’t feeling it but then I enjoyed it so much! I love that he told me to order the larger portion and took initiative to order the sake for us. I missed eating with a foodie. My own inner foodie was so happy. It made me realize that I didn’t really like dining with Mr. International. Dining with Mr. International has made me appreciate dining with people who enjoy variety and complexity in their food, people who enjoy over ordering at restaurants.

I don’t invite him over and he seems fine with that. Good. That’s respectful. Then Mr. International suggests he will come over after his party. That’s sweet, he wants to see me. He comes over, I’m wearing a sexy outfit and he goes straight for my sofabed and falls asleep immediately! I’m pissed.

I message the Rock Climber. It’s late night Friday booty call time and I hadn’t heard from him. He responds immediately, tells me to get my ass over to his place. I contemplate it hard but can’t justify leaving my place at 3am for a quicky. I’m now wired, but tired. Not to mention that I’m kind of spotting and it’s a bit weird down there at the moment. I think that I would dread having to leave his place after the deed more than anything, and I’m not all that horny.

Who is really winning in this situation? Is it me? I have a number of options, lucky me. But what do I want?

If I pick The Drummer, I will be with someone who is stable and grew up with a similar upbringing. He will be loyal and I can trust him, but will I feel bored?

I don’t feel like I have a choice of being with Mr. International because if I did have a choice of being with him, I would have picked it already. I am starting to resent him for not being able to give more. Because of this, I don’t think I could love him. I was hoping that this would have more longer term potential.

The Photographer, at one point I could see myself with him but now I see too many of his flaws and it’s a turn off. Just tonight he reminded me of how it is to be with someone more likeminded.

The Rock Climber is not an option, just a side thing. It will never be more than that, but damn, it could be so much fun to continue. I have absolutely zero feelings for him.

Something Doesn’t Sit Right

Maybe I’m being hormonal, but something doesn’t really sit well with me about Mr. International. I’m feeling anxious and I’m not sure why, but I know that there’s a few things recently that just doesn’t make me feel the most positive about our budding relationship.

Well first, I have to confess that I don’t think the relationship is that serious. I just don’t get that vibe that he’s looking for that, and I chalk it up to it being a new relationship. I decided to take this in stride by continuing to see other people. We’re now three months in and I don’t feel like he cares about me being monogamous. I’m not sure if he’s monogamous, but he seems to be dedicated. There are definitely positive signs like him dedicating all of his free weekend time, calling me, and him being okay with me staying over at his place randomly on weekdays.

Maybe it’s in my head, but I was thinking that I wouldn’t introduce him to my friends just yet. And particularly, I have this female friend of mine that I just feel self conscious about introducing because she’s “the pretty one”. Well, it just so happens that we had a run-in. And immediately after this run-in, his texting me seemed to be much more sporatic. Actually, immediately after the run-in, he didn’t text me for a good 48 hours.

Just yesterday, I felt that I was triggered when I was already feeling upset and he joked about what would happen if he just called out my friend to hang out without me. Wow, when I put it like that it seems so bad.

There’s a lot of these small things that I notice. The other day, while we were walking, I noticed that he was texting his ex. I know this because I glanced at his phone and although he has never mentioned her, I know her name because he had things with her name on it. He has told me that he’s on good terms with most of his exes, including the last one but I don’t know if there’s hang ups there.

While he seems open to meeting my friends, he is apprehensive about swinging by my parents to pick up the dogs, but I guess that’s understandable. I’ve not met his friends, but he has recently invited me out to play archery tag with him, which is one of his friends groups.

The biggest thing is probably that we’re avoiding the talk, and I admit, I’ve been avoiding it too. I enjoy him, but I’m also not sure yet. It’s like having this talk can only result in a negative outcome. Either he says he’s not serious it ready for this, which means that I’m wasting my time and need to get back out there or he says sure we can try this out, which means that I’ll have to let go of some of my existing relationships with people in my life.

I look at him and honestly I’m not sure if this is what I’m waiting all my life for. I need someone that can be more dedicated, but I’m not sure if it’s because it needs some more time to develop or maybe it’s just not a good match?

Going on Birth Control After Five Years

I didn’t want to go on birth control pills initially because I felt like my sex drive is nice and high right now. I also feel like I’m genuinely happy with my life right now and when I’m on the pill, I feel like there’s a bit of dullness in my life. It’s like a stable and mellow state of mind.

I’ve not been on the pill or hormonal contraceptives now for over five years. Today, I had a great day generally speaking. I started to spot a bit and got scared that it could be because I’m pregnant (apparently that is a sign, when the egg implants itself on the uterine wall). I went to the doctor, not because of this but because it was on the way to lunch and I had some time to kill. I had been meaning to get a birth control prescription, and I asked him to give me an STD test too.

I purchased the birth control, but I still felt reluctant about it, like I’m giving up something by going on it. It’s funny how my opinion about that changed as the day progressed.

It’s the week before my period and I was feeling tired and so cranky! As I got into a cab to go meet up with Mr. International, I could just feel anger build up, over nothing really. And as the evening progressed I just got more and more annoyed by his dumb jokes and when he declined my kiss because he felt it was too much PDA. I’m not even sure if any of what I felt was just. He suggested we just go our separate ways after the evening ended. I was really upset about that even though we were both exhausted. He could sense it and said he would cab to my place. I was being irrational, and I knew it. I told him I’m being moody and it wasn’t his fault.

I’ve been told that I am moody by my friends. I brush it off and think it’s because they do things to annoy me. But maybe there’s validity in that. I do realize it when I feel irrationally emotional. And it could be good to see where things can go when I’m on the pill and there are less mood swings. It could be a welcomed change, and what I’m most looking forward to is not constantly worrying about being pregnant.

Drunken and Incoherent Rock Climber

Friday night, the Drummer Guy takes up my idea to see how much instant noodles we can eat. I didn’t really want to do ite immediately but agreed because he seemed keen. It went well but I didn’t feel like giving him any signals because it felt like we’ve already been there before. I’m in a different place than I was three months ago.

I was exhausted and right as Drummer Guy leaves, the Rock Climber messaged me past 1am. It was a booty call, but since it went so well the night before, I was feeling all sore but in a sexy kind of way. I was already thinking about the Rock Climber.

The Rock Climber and I had fucked two times the night before. It was great, and we had great communication about what we wanted out of our situation. We agreed that it is casual sex and we’ve talked about what we wanted sexually.

So I accepted his booty call and showed up at his place. He wasn’t there and said to meet at the pizza place near him. I walk seven minutes to the pizza place, only to not see him there. He was still at the club, he told me to go back to his place. Anyway, we finally meet and he’s more drunk than I thought.

He’s not fully coherent, but he did ask me if I was sore from the previous night. He started talking about how he’s a sex feign and all the girls wanted him. Wow, what a complex he had. I responded and said that I also had guys lined up for me, and he said, “Well that’s surprising because you aren’t even that attractive”. This isn’t the first time he’s made a comment about not thinking that I’m attractive. I know he’s drunk, but I think that’s unacceptable.

He then proceeds to ask me to help him take a piss. I say no, and he is annoyed, and immediately makes a phone call to some random girl. This girl wasn’t impressed but at the same time she didn’t seem to want him to hang up on her. I’m done at this point, walked to his living room and saw that surge pricing on the way home was crazy. He comes out of his room and convinces me to stay. I reluctantly agree at this point.

I always knew that I didn’t like the Rock Climber as a person. As a fuck buddy, I think it should be simple. As simple as just coming over and enjoy doing the deed. He started saying all these egotistical things and I just wanted to leave.

He asked for a blow job. I agreed, and it was going well and he seemed to really enjoy it. He wanted my clothes off but he’s too lazy to take them off. It didn’t look like a fun night ahead of me.

I eventually just got up again and left his room. I’m now in his kitchen figuring out how much I want to spend on the ride home (my new spending habits kicking in). I seriously contemplate stealing a bottle of unopened vodka from his home bar. As I was wondering whether him and his roommate would notice, his roommate comes home.

I got a good price for the ride home, accepted it and just left!

I’m not sure what to think now.

The Rock Climber is Back

The Rock Climber is back in town and he messaged me right before his flight back to see if I could get together. Clearly a booty call. Funny thing, even though Mr. International has been MIA, I’ve been quite busy. The Drummer Guy is back in the picture. He broke up with his girlfriend awhile back, and seems like he wants in again.

So I was actually hanging out with the Drummer Guy when the Rock Climber messaged me. Between the two, the Rock Climber is more exciting and to the point but I was already midway through the evening. I said no to the Rock Climber, suggested tomorrow or Friday.

So tomorrow came along and he seemed really keen still. We talked a bit about drinking / getting high and so I picked a bit of both up. Got home, was really tired but was too jittery thinking about having him over for actually the first time. I cleaned a bit, tried to nap, did some phone sex work and it’s now inching on 11pm. Nothing from him. I’m tired and midnight rolled around, he finally messaged to say he’s tired. I’m tired too so I welcome that and asked if he’s calling a night.

Just as I’m about to get out my vibrator he says he’ll swing by and asks for my address.

It’s kind of good timing. Mr. International has been distant recently and I otherwise would be all hung up over it. He’s apparently training for his 10k race this week. He also happened to tell me that he’s busy at work and didn’t text me for about 48 hours, which is unusual for us.

So I guess now I have three guys in the mix, and I feel justified. More recently, Mr. International told me indirectly that what I do is my business. And he also indirectly told me that I could fuck who I wanted so long as he doesn’t know about it. So what happened was that he found my vibrator under my pillow and I asked if he wanted to see it and he said he didn’t want to see the competition, but that I can use it when he’s not there. I asked, well so it seems you’re okay with me fucking whatever and whoever as long as you don’t know? And he said yes. Does that mean he’s fucking other people? Who knows right? I didn’t want to press the issue because I also knew that he could ask me the same questions back and I’m not ready to divulge details.

What I want is for Mr. International to step up and be that full time boyfriend. Though at the same time, I am not sure if I can love him. I don’t feel the same level of intensity for him as I have in the past. But maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not just infatuated. I think I like him a balanced and healthy amount.

I want to have the craziest sex with the Rock Climber while it lasts. The kind of sex that requires a recurring partner and gradual build, and the feeling of not being inhibited. Not being afraid to ask for what I want, because I’m afraid it could jeopardize a real relationship.

And I’m really unsure of what to do with the Drummer Guy, he just came out of nowhere again. I was into him before, and during multiple times in my life, but we just seem like friends. I don’t want to ruin that actually. And him and I are just really different people.