So as I mentioned in my last post, Mr. International did not give me much attention this week as he was understandably busy. Friday night however, I think we could have done something, but he called in a quiet night and just stayed in. This is when the Rock Climber called me out, so I got excited and was down for that. Just as I’m getting ready to meet Rock Climber, Mr. International calls me and talks to me over the phone for about an hour, before I decide that I really need to leave. Although his gesture is sweet, it didn’t change my mind about having a fun night out with the Rock Climber.
I go pick up some beer and get to the Rock Climber’s place. Turns out, his house party was just a few people. We had some time to ourselves to pre-drink as his friends headed to the club first. I joked and called him a loser since nobody showed up at his “party”, and he also gave me the same attitude and said that it was easy to convince me to come out since I’m so into him. I denied that was the case. We had a few drinks, and as we walked to the club, he made a note to ask me if I was seeing anyone, I said I was seeing someone, but it’s fairly new. He said he wanted to let me know that he’s seeing someone. He said he’s been seeing her for about a year now! That’s a long time. I asked if they talked about being exclusive and he said no.
I’m usually really respectable of someone else’s man, but it cannot erase what we’ve already done together because I didn’t know he was seeing someone else. And at this point in the night, I felt like we were too far into the idea of hooking up already. We meet some of his friends at the club, a small group of guys and another girl. Honestly didn’t feel like we were there for that long, had a few drinks talked to the guys and caught back up with him. At this point I’m getting pretty drunk, although this time around he told me to keep it together because it seems like this girl that he brought “knows people” and that to me sounds like she has some kind of connection with his girlfriend.
We stumble back to his place, and like the first night that we hooked up, this part is quite a blur to me. From what I can piece out of it, I came back to his bed, he took my clothes off and I think he asked me to be on top. We did not use a condom initially, but he later put one on before he came. It’s a bit of a blur what happened next, but I know we had sex yet again and this time he was behind me, and he eventually used a condom when he came. I enjoyed the drunken sex, even though it was really hazy.
I woke up in the morning. I wasn’t even cuddled up next to him like I was last time. I have no feelings of guilt. In the morning, my head hurt like crazy and I don’t know why i was in such a rush to leave. Oh yeah, that’s right, he mentioned the night before that he had to get up early to drive up to the cottage but instead decided to stay in the city (possibly to hook up with me?). I didn’t want to impose and yeah I just felt an urgency to leave. Before I left though, I snuggled up over his covers to kiss him and although it was not my intentions, I could feel his hard dick right against my body. I made a conscious decision to have sex with him again.
I was on top, didn’t use a condom initially again, but eventually he put one on. I could feel that I was a bit sore from the night before. I didn’t cum, but it felt good to make him cream one more time. I look over on the night stand, and I see two other filled condoms from the night before, which is what jogged my memory about what happened. I smiled, said that he was so much fun. As I got dressed he said it’s funny that our relationship is purely sexual, and I said we should do it again. He made a joke about how we should go rock climbing, have some beers and do it again. I felt good that we were able to establish that this was casual.
I go home and get along with my life. Later that evening when I was at my parent’s place, I get a phone call from the Rock Climber. I thought maybe I forgot something or maybe he decided to not go to the cottage and wanted to do something (okay, long shot). I pick up the call, and he seemed to be having a mini panic attack about whether we were responsible the night before about using protection. He asked what day of my cycle I am on, I said that I would check my app and text him. I kind of got irritated that he was calling me to freak out, and it didn’t help that I’m at my parent’s place and not able to freely talk about it. I recall saying, “why would you call me to freak out about this?”. I just felt like I wanted a fun night. I was on day 20 of my cycle, not entirely safe, but I also knew we used condoms. I think the risk is relatively low and the other part of me wants to just put it behind me, although I did start seriously contemplating that I need to consider other methods.
Sunday rolls around and I go over to see Mr. International. We had planned to go to a conference and check out the outlet mall together. Mr. International seemed to be coming down with a cold. We went to the conference, fell asleep for a nap and then headed to the outlet mall. Mr. International paid for dinner and he even tried to pay for my gas, which I adamantly refused to let him. He was thankful that I drove him to the mall. While filling up gas, I received an urgent text message from one of my clients. I called them back and the situation just escalated and my client is just spazzing at me over text messages after our phone conversation. This really threw me off mentally. I was distracted the whole time after the gas station call.
We got back to Mr. International’s place, and here I am trying to put the situation behind me as there was nothing I could do about it until Monday morning! We started watching a show and Mr. International seemed to be getting a bit frisky. I actually wanted to see if he would make a move this time since usually it’s me. I figured since I got my fix this weekend already, that I would play it cool. Mr. International loves foreplay, we did some massages, but when he put a condom on, he went soft and it took a long time to get him back up. And even as we were having sex, he lost it again. This had never happened before. Finally he took the condom off, and we enjoyed it for a bit, and he eventually finished by rubbing himself against my stomach. It seemed really like a lot of effort.
I told Mr. International afterwards that I should consider going on the pill. He said surprisingly that even if I did go on the pill he wouldn’t finish inside. Interesting, that’s really quite conservative of him. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I start talking to him about contraceptives and aside from saying it’s my choice, he actually was really trying to avoid the conversation! We cuddled a bit, and we talked a bit about my work, and also his career trajectory and how he will need to do a part-time MBA program to get to the level that he wants to be at. He’s quite career-driven. I think I’m now a bit uncomfortable because of my work situation, my mind is on that, and at the same time I felt that we haven’t really talked about our own relationship. And I don’t think we need to have the talk about being exclusive, but really, there is no future planning together. It’s a week by week relationship, and while he plans more than other guys that I’ve been with, I don’t necessarily get the idea that he’s serious yet. Anyway, as I put my clothes back on after having sex with Mr. International, I see him staring at my chest / stomach. I feel so self-conscious! I feel that maybe I’ve gained some weight. I hate the way we ate the whole day starting with fries that he made on a whim, skipped lunch and had me getting by on chocolate covered pretzels and jelly beans and then had a huge sit-down dinner. I don’t know, overall I think I ended the weekend off on a bit of a sour note, maybe it was the client getting to me.
I guess I’m a bit of a disaster. I think at the very least I should be monitoring when I am ovulating, I’m considering Natural Cycles. I wouldn’t mind going on birth control pills, but I’m really riding this sex drive high at the moment. I find that birth control pills make me feel complacent and I never get that feeling of excitement, which apparently in the past works well for long-term relationships, but I’m not so sure this is what I have with Mr. International yet. And if we’re not going to have unprotected sex when I go on the pills then what is the point even.
I leave Mr. International’s place entirely distracted by my work situation, and also feeling negative because I don’t feel that he is what I want. I feel that maybe I realize that he’s not yet giving me 100%, which is why I feel the need to go elsewhere. Mr. International cannot satisfy my sex drive as it is, and above that, emotionally I don’t feel like I get what I need. I don’t feel guilty about going to the Rock Climber for that extra attention, excitement and sexual satisfaction. And honestly, I’m not so sure that Mr. International is entirely dedicated to me at this point. Sometimes I think he is, but if opportunity knocks at his door, I’m not so sure that he’d turn it down because of me.
I think that maybe my relationship with Mr. International can continue developing, but I don’t know if it will. I also am not entirely certain that I could be with someone like Mr. International forever. I think having the fling with the Rock Climber has made me less blinded to his quirks. He is very particular in how he lives his life, how he organizes his life, and he is actually a bit OCD. Furthermore, he has certain qualities that I’m not sure I can live with like how he is generally not a very nice person to those outside of his circle. And while the sex with him is good, I don’t like that he cannot come from just a handjob or blowjob alone. I see this as being kind of difficult to please him, and that he is also particular in that respect.
As difficult as it is for me to say it, but I think having this perspective and keeping a level head (by having a fling), has made me have a realistic view of this relationship, and it is most unfortunate for me to say that I think Mr. International and I are a bit of a long shot, at least at this point.