It’s Christmas and quite possibly one of the best Christmases I’ve had in forever. This past few months have been a blessing. Zen Master was a fun thing to do this year, it was a nice past time for me to date him but after leaving him I have no regrets about letting it go. It was a relationship that helped me zone out and enjoy the simple things in life. It was enough for me to realize that I needed something more stimulating than that. The Rock Climber, my on-and-off lover for over two years now has been a blessing. I think we were both able to have a better understanding of each other, and as a result just have more respect for one another. Physically we have a lot of chemistry and it has been wonderful, although he’s going to be away for almost a year, I know he will come back and I’m sure we will pick up from there if our lives have space for it.
Now, The Motivator coming back into my life in a physical way was probably the biggest surprise of the year for me. It just felt that all year we continued to grow apart. It was really satisfying, both emotionally and physically. It just felt right in so many ways. This time though, I already know that he would never want anything more than this from me. I don’t know how to describe how freeing it feels to sleep with him and just have a solid understanding of what he wants, what he doesn’t want, etc. I wished that if the first time around, he could have been more articulate about what he really wanted I would have not had different expectations.
I think because I felt like I was rejected for so long, and I think it bothered me because it made me feel undesirable. I’m not sure why physically being back with him was such a powerful thing for me. I guess it made me feel desirable, and then allowed me to see the situation without that feeling of being undesired. He desires me, he just doesn’t want to BE with me in a way that is serious. So, then why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t see me seriously? So then I’m back in the, “I don’t want to be with him boat”, again.
At this point, I think it would completely be feasible for me and The Motivator to have a similar FWB relationship that I have with The Rock Climber. I’ve put enough space between us now such that I could be more removed from his life, be less invested. Just like The Rock Climber, The Motivator to me at least, has become more of a stranger in my life. As much as I wanted The Motivator to be a part of my life, because I felt that he made a significant impact on my life since we’ve met, he is nobody more than a stranger to me. The things that he shares with me, the way in which we interact with each other, we are strangers. I want to think of him as a close friend, but we are not. He doesn’t allow me to be his friend.
I’ve become more aware of this now particularly because a friend of mine recently seems to have gone through some heartache. I know her situation so well (because it’s the same situation as The Motivator and I), that I just feel so much empathy for her. She was in a FWB situation with another guy, and I think in the beginning she was just seeing where it could go. And when she finally figured it out, it seems like the guy just didn’t choose her and found someone else that he clicked with more.
The fact of the matter is that The Motivator and I seem to have zero chance of being together in any serious capacity. I do seriously believe that The Motivator came back into my life because he could not get sex anywhere else. I don’t think that he doesn’t desire or like me either. I do think he that he has a commitment issue and doesn’t want to commit to me, but also that he doesn’t seem to want to commit to anyone else who likes him also. He openly acknowledged a few things to me that aligns to this. He said that it’s pretty difficult during the pandemic lockdown to connect with other. He also said he realizes he’s the kind of guy that would usually grow on someone, not the kind that can just instantly hit it off. This is something that I acknowledge to be true also (to myself). So, he pretty much came back to just get laid. Is this fine? I some sense, yes because I enjoyed it, but at the same time, I feel like I need to be able to walk away from this.
I’m absolutely not going to retrace my steps last year and tell him that we aren’t going to sleep together. That is absolutely not the right answer. This is my chance to be in the same position that I was last year (sleeping with The Motivator, and liking it, but also realizing that the relationship will go nowhere). If I could go back to my position from last year (which is exactly what happened), I would instead just go look for someone that I want to be with more than The Motivator.
Last year, it was difficult because I spent so much time with The Motivator. I just spent so much time with him that I wasn’t able to emotionally detach myself from him. This year, I admit that it’s much easier. We aren’t seeing each other weekly. But also, I think I’ve been able to convince myself that I already conquered that relationship with The Motivator, as in our relationship has already peaked. We’ve reached the top of our relationship, there would be no moment that we will experience in the future together that would be better than what we’ve already experienced together in the past. I mean, as far as physical experiences with each other, I think that the last time I had sex with him, it was sooooo bomb, and in my opinion, it was so good that it’s likely, nothing will top that experience. I just feel like it’s not possible for it to be better unless there was more of an emotional connection.
I already feel like since we had sex together again, I’m able to clear my mind of my physical desires for him and as a result was able to let go of some pain too. Before, I found it really difficult for me to listen to music that he specifically put on to have sex. Now, I’ve been enjoying these great music selections without feeling that emotional pain that I felt before. It felt freeing.
As much as I wanted to see where the relationship could go, I think that freeing my mind of the physical desires for him also made me become aware that I am not sure whether I can see a viable relationship with someone like him. I think about our relationship “downs”, and they are really shitty, worse than many relationship issues that I’ve had to deal with. The biggest thing that comes to mind is how he treated me when we were on a trip together. How suffocated I felt at times with him. I also recall a few times where he would deliberately described to me how he was annoyed by me. It would suck to be in a relationship with someone like that, someone who I couldn’t feel fully comfortable being myself with.
And that’s another huge point. I cannot be myself with The Motivator. The reason why we are not social media friends is basically for this reason. Even when I first met him, I already sensed that he wasn’t or wouldn’t want to be with someone like me. I’m this social person that goes out and does cliche things, for fun and for no reason. I would never show him any new projects that I’m working on, or in a simple example I would never dance in a silly way in front of him really. He has really created this character of himself towards me as someone that isn’t all that silly, and actually as someone who is really serious. He’s actually someone who is quite serious, doesn’t share about himself and someone who is meticulous about his property.
So the main thought coming out of this is that I need to leave this relationship behind me, and it doesn’t need to be immediately, but I think that I need to start carving a map out for myself of how I can exit this phase of my life. I just cannot see The Motivator and I being able to salvage what we have and actually somehow build a wholesome relationship together. The more that I think about it, the more that I realize that it would be easier to build something new with someone else that is new and is hopefully a better fit with me.
Going back to The Motivator, let’s say by some miraculous chance he changes his mind and realizes that he wants to be with me, actually (not going to happen). Even if he does this, I am not sure whether I’d be more grateful to give the relationship a try, or whether this entire on and off relationship that we’ve already had has ruined the magic. If I think about it, that potential to truly mutually fall in love with each other and feel excited about it all might just be gone. We already know each other, and at least for me, I already know the magic of falling in love with him already. Doing it over again a second time just won’t be as charming. As much as I don’t want to admit this, the moment for that has come and gone.
It’s just becoming more and more clear to me that I will come out on top if I am more proactive in finding a more suitable life partner. This dream of having The Motivator be my life partner needs to end.
I mean, I knew this before and last year it’s not like I didn’t try to date other people. I dated a bunch of people actually, none of them clicked for me, and really I think it’s a numbers game and I just need to try more. I truly feel that it’s my only path for me. I have to move away from this relationship with The Motivator, and not in the same way that I did it last year. Last year, I wasn’t ready to let it go, but I forced myself to and I felt regretful of that decision. But I am where I am now and I think that’s the more important thing.
It’s like I got to back in time to remake this decision! What a blessing. So we’re back to where we were a year and a half ago, casually sleeping with each other even though I know it will go nowhere. Absolutely I will not make the same mistake. I realize now what he’s good for (a FWB), and I welcome that, but I also welcome that maybe I want more, and I’m not talking about a serious relationship, even in the sense of just having a deep connection with someone, I want that, I want more of that. I do believe that I can have something deeper with someone who is more willing to open themselves up to me, than with someone like The Motivator where it feels like even after so long we are just still strangers.