Mystery Man is Moving to Asia

It’s now been over one year since mystery man and I broke-up.  With the break-up I also decided to cut out our group of mutual friends.  Only more recently did I decide that I am okay with passively reconnecting (mainly via social media) with a few of the people in that group.  Well, this morning I found out via Instagram stories that mystery man is moving to Asia!

Somehow this is still meaningful to me, even though I thought I had closed out that chapter.  It made me feel relieved, and I thought, “Yes, please move to Asia so that you will really be just a distant memory for me.”.  I thought about not having to worry about running into him (my close friend Raspberry lives in his building complex).

I’m over mystery man, but there is a part of my self-esteem that got hit really hard when we broke up and has not yet fully recovered.  A part of me still feels like I wasn’t good enough for him – because frankly, that’s what he told me and what he showed in his actions.  Him moving away validates that it wasn’t me.  And the self-conscious side of me very much needed this self-esteem boost.




Can’t Meet Love Interests at Business Events

I’ve been really busy with work and while I’m feeling quite content being focused on work, I am realizing that maybe I’m not getting myself out there enough.  I have zero dates lined up, none, zip.  And even if I did, putting it in my calendar might get a bit messy.  I’m starting my own company and the schedule is just insane.  I don’t even know how I was able to find so much time with volleyball coach before.  I mean, I do, but this was time that I could have spent building the business.  I feel like I wasted time with him, it didn’t feel productive because I don’t even think I got that much joy out of it.

I think that for the right person, I can find time.  Though, I know that is not the right mentality.  I need to make time and space for someone in my life.  See, I think the problem is that I thought that I could go to all of these networking events to meet people and it would serve dual purpose – business and personal.  I’m quickly finding out that there is little chance that these business networking events are going to lead to anything like that.  It’s not formal, but it’s just not the right setting and guys seem to have this switch for when they are in business mode.

So I need to think of something else.  Luckily for me, another single female friend of mine thought of this brilliant idea to host a singles night at a bar.  I’ve convinced her to call it a mixer.  I’m really excited for this.  It’s really exciting to think that there are so many opportunities out there.

In the past, when I’ve tried getting myself out there, some activities were just not so good.  I found that sports leagues are not good, people are really into the sporting aspect.  I found that singles events were terrible and attracted all sorts of random, weird and odd people of all ages.  Joining a fitness class, and doing yoga were not good activities because there’s not much social aspect after it is done.

What worked well?  Social events, like board game Meetup events.  In general, Meetup events worked well for meeting people who showed a love interest.  I’m part of a group that hosts exclusive food events, those were good too.  Online dating yielded a lot of dates, though I’m not sure the quality is there.  Although singles nights aren’t good, the singles events where there is a certain activity like a show worked well.  Going to parties where there are a lot of second degree friends were great provided that there are a lot of single people there.

So in short, I’ll be doing less networking events, and more social events.

Fuck Keeping an Open Mind

Since I’ve started writing this blog, I’ve been in the dating mindset of just keeping an open mind and giving people chances.  This may be the first time that all of that is out the door.  Sure, I’m all about keeping the door open to opportunities, but as soon as I see something that I feel is unfitting in a partner, I immediately close it.  I think that after years of keeping an open mind, I feel like I should be allowed to say that I know what I want and I’m going to go after just that!

On my online dating profile, I’m in incognito mode and I’m super selective of who gets to see me.  And then when a conversation starts and I find out something about them that doesn’t jive with me like if they are here visiting on a student visa, if they are only in town for the weekends and live in a different city, or if they seem a bit odd then I immediately block them.  If I’m at the stage where we’ve made it to chatting outside of the dating app, then I also just stop responding.  I used to keep an open mind and let the chatting continue, but I’ve decided against that now.

I really think that I have good judgement of people, and naturally, I think I err to giving people the benefit of the doubt.  And for most things in life, such as friendships, and business connections, this might be a good thing.  I even admit that in dating, it is a good thing too since it helped me learn a lot about myself.  When it comes to finding someone special however, I think that going with a gut feeling might be better.

I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what I’m looking for now, and I’m going to be picky about it.  I’m not going to waste my time trying to keep an open mind, when in fact, I know that it’s not what I’m looking for.  I’m changing it up and I’m putting my foot down.

I’m starting to feel really excited about being single and thinking about the possibilities of actually doing it all over again.  In some sense, it is incredibly fun feeling that maybe I can fall for someone new and feel excited and giddy all over again.

Understanding Drummer Guy

I asked a friend of mine his opinion about what he thinks is going on between drummer guy and I.  My friend provided some helpful insights.  He said no man in their right mind would hang out for such long periods of time doing stuff like helping me fix things and making meals with me unless they weren’t actually interested.  Even the idea of staying over, only a guy who had some vested interest would choose to forgo the comfort of sleeping in his own bed to stay over.  My friend thinks that drummer guy has feelings for me, but just isn’t gutsy enough to make a move.  He even offered the advice that I should try not to spend so much time with him, and give him opportunities to stay over because we aren’t together.  I would agree with him that that is the best course of action.

The idea is that maybe he’s just getting to comfortable thinking that I’ll just be around.  He gets the joy of being with me, and he doesn’t have to do anything.  There is no conscious choice that he needs to make.  He feels that it’s alright to be dating someone and at the same time spend so much time with me.  So after speaking to my friend, it seemed so clear to me that drummer guy has feelings for me.  And I went away feeling better that the situation seemed a bit clearer.

Tonight, I saw drummer guy in a group setting.  We went over to his place to play some games and have dinner.  Our mutual high school friend and his girlfriend also came.  It started to feel like a double date when the game play turned into a 2 versus 2 situation and drummer guy was my partner.  I think I’m starting to develop more feelings for drummer guy than I would like to admit to myself.  As we were leaving, I wondered if drummer guy would ask if I wanted to stay, he didn’t and I’m fine with that.  He gave me the Google home mini as a gift as I left.  I asked if he would help me set it up – it was a bit of an opening for him to come over.  He said that it should be easy to setup essentially closing that door.

Suddenly things didn’t seem so clear anymore.  I started recalling the few times that he did brush me off.  I’ve given him openings to be more physical with me before, but he passes them up.  For example, I seriously had a moment where I thought I felt an extra boney bump on my shoulder and was checking to see whether it was present on my other shoulder or whether I should be a bit alarmed.  This is an open opportunity to feel my shoulder, but drummer guy didn’t – he felt his own shoulder and said it was normal to have this bump.  Another example is when he was lying on my couch, I laid my head on his butt while he was curled up, and he jokingly said for me to find my own couch space.

I know drummer guy as a man of integrity.  I cannot see him dating two women at the same time, and he even told me that he has promised the girl that he is dating that he would be there for her.  He is a man that does not believe in infidelity, and I’m not just saying this because I like him.  I’ve known drummer guy since childhood and have had an on and off friendship with him since high school.  If he did have feelings for me, he is the kind of man that would rather not hurt the feelings of the girl that he is dating.  Although, I guess it would be fair of him to keep this door open since his current relationship is very new, and it doesn’t seem to be official.

Either way, I’m feeling too strongly for drummer guy given our situation and I need to create some space.  Going back online has been exciting and actually less shittier than I had imagined overall.  No dates yet, but it feels better this time around because I think I’m clearer on what I want now.


Found Volleyball Coach Online

It’s always a shock to find an ex-boyfriend back on online dating.  I signed up for OKCupid and bam! I see volleyball coach.  Damn, that was fast!  I didn’t expect it because, well, we were together in something that felt so serious.  I admit, I checked to see what he wrote in his profile – it was a bit of a thought experiment.  I wanted to see if his profile was attractive to me at this time in my life.  I wanted to see what I did wrong in not being able to filter him out earlier.

We had a high percentage match, but his profile writing was quite drab.  It feels almost like he’s looking for something more casual this time around.  It didn’t draw me in, and I suppose maybe his old one must have had more of what I was looking for.

I thought about this the other day – what was it about volleyball coach anyway?  I look back and it’s hard to see what the hell it was that allowed me to see so much potential in him?  And the only thing I can come up with is that when I met him, he lived in a bit of a bubble.  He felt comfortable and secure, though he was sheltered from the real world.  He had a false sense of security.

This false sense of security comes off as confidence, and I think that is what I saw in him.  A guy that was so simple, living in his own world, but it seemed like he had it together.

This fell apart when he got let go from his job.  He had to rethink his career, his education, his living arrangement, his financial position.  It was huge.  It was a blessing though because realistically, at some point he would have had to realize that he didn’t have as much security and stability as he had thought.  He really lived in a bit of a perfect bubble when I met him and I envied that he seemed to be so comfortable.  I envied this because I don’t think I’ve felt that level of comfort in my life.  It was always the next thing, bettering myself in some way or another.

I don’t want to go down the route of volleyball coach again.  I don’t want to make that mistake again, which is why I checked out his profile.  In a way I want to be able to see the signs that I should have saw the first time around.

I also feel validated to be back online.  I felt that one month (because that is how long we’ve not been together) is too short to get back out in the market!  I wanted to respect our relationship of close to one year by giving it some time, but honestly I don’t owe him anything.  I really should put myself first, and clearly he is doing that.

On a side note, I saw my married high school friend / acquaintance on OKCupid!  It wasn’t just his profile on there, he is on there and online and active with real information about himself.  Initially intriguing, but kind of disgusting too.  I thought they were a great couple and that he was so in love with his wife.  They even have a kid together.  Wow, who would have thought signing up for online dating would bring about all these feelings.

It does make me want to crawl back into my content state and watching comedy shows with drummer guy until late in the night.

Mortifying Day

I had the most embarrassing moment today!  I went to my girlfriend’s place and she made me tea.  I sit down and as I got up I realized that I had bled on her chair.  My period was super heavy.  I pushed the chair in, went to the bathroom and was freaking out.  This friend of mine is pregnant so I’m thinking that she probably doesn’t have tampons, I’m freaking out even more and I bled on her bathroom floor and had to clean that up.

I debated telling her about it, but she lives in a really small condo and her husband was home!  So I’m internally freaking out as she is caught up with transferring chocolates between boxes.  I help her with the transferring while trying to see how big of a mess it is.  I’m mortified!  I make an excuse to leave immediately after.  I did not tell her in hopes that she’ll dismiss it as an old stain.

I told my close girlfriends about this, but I also wanted to tell drummer guy.  It was just such a disaster and after that I still had to suck it up and meet with a new client to close a deal.

It made me feel better to tell drummer guy, I actually shared with the group chat which includes our mutual high school friend as well.  We touched on the topic of getting a Google home mini, and I said that I missed out on the deal.  Drummer guy said he got me one!  I thought it was so nice of him and he said it was for feeding him and giving him my extra grill.  After discussing a bit more, I realize he was stockpiling these devices while they were on sale, but it was still a nice gesture to give me one.

I’m starting to realize and acknowledge that I like drummer guy more than I admit and I feel like it’s getting dangerous.  I’m not trying to be closed off at all, but he’s dating someone else and I’m now wary now of how dangerous it can be to fall for someone.

I’m trying to keep the door open while not going back to online dating, but luck doesn’t seem to be on my side.  Yesterday raspberry guy and I were going to go speed dating, but the event was cancelled and we were not notified!  And the guy that my friend tried to set me up with is just a stagnant small talk online conversation that I’ve disengaged from now.

I was thinking of creating an online dating profile for a few days not, but upon realizing that I have these feelings, I think it would be the healthiest thing for me to do.  I don’t have any lingering feelings for volleyball coach and even mystery man.  I think the reason why I haven’t opened the online door is because I’m busy and because I felt content just hanging out with drummer guy.  Now that I realize that I may be putting too many eggs into this basket with drummer guy, I really think that getting back out there is the way to go.

Without lingering feelings, I’m now excited for what’s to come!

This contentment is not sustainable

The weather outside has been terrible recently -20 degrees Celcius type weather and so I’ve been very comfortable staying inside.  I spent new years eve and new years day inside with just going outside to take the dogs for a short five minute walk.  I’m getting into a routine and it feels good.  I don’t want to move and I don’t want to do anything.  I’ve been really into my work lately and it feels good.

I sent the group chat that I am in with drummer guy a message about a great dinner deal at a chain restaurant.  He jumped on the idea so fast!  Then we talked a little about going to Costco together.  He jokingly said I should skip work so we can go during the day when it is less busy and I almost committed to it and then had to back out because I realize that I have a speed dating event tomorrow!  My friend raspberry guy had purchased tickets for me so I have to go.

Drummer guy makes me feel comfortable, and content.  I do feel a sexual energy with him, but I don’t feel strongly enough about it.  I think about whether spending time with him is a good investment for me.  The time that I am spending with drummer guy is usually the time that I typically spend with a significant other, or if I am single, on dates or to centre myself.  I value the friendship that I have with him a lot, but by spending this much time with him, I wonder if I’m settling for just feeling content with him as a friend?  And if I started dating someone else, I don’t think it would be right for me to spend so much time with him nor would it be acceptable to have him stay over.  At the moment we are both benefiting by having each other around, but ultimately there is two ways this can go, either there is something there and he is in a position to take it further, or we will need to create some distance.  I do trust that whatever happens will happen, but what we currently have is not sustainable.

I don’t think I’ve ever in my adult life feel so whole without being with someone.  When I was in any of my past relationships, it didn’t feel like a burden or work because I don’t think I realize how much of myself I was giving to spend time with my significant other.  I’m starting to feel so comfortable now that getting out there feels like it is work.  The thought of potentially connecting with someone new is exciting to me, but I’m not ready to be disappointed just yet.

I think about going back to online dating.  Having a private OKCupid account was the best because it allows me to filter out the profiles that I allow to message me, and if I do go back to it that is what I will do – but just not yet.  Partly it’s a procrastination, but the other part is that I don’t want to kill this contentment and excitement with disappointment just yet.  I want to let it build up in me, and I want to let my confidence build up in me before I get out there.  And it wouldn’t hurt if it was a bit warmer too.

I’m still slowly texting that guy that my friend connected me with.  He is consistent at two to three messages a day.  He doesn’t even have a nickname yet, because how I see it is that until we meet in person, he doesn’t even count.  I have a slew of events coming up aside from the speed dating one and I am excited to blog all about it.

On a separate note, I’m entirely over volleyball coach and as I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, I think I was just attached to him more so than I was really into him.  Not sure if I mentioned, but the other day when drummer guy stayed over, we discovered this huge disaster under the couch!  Even though I had been cleaning my place like crazy after volleyball coach and his shedding dog, I had not moved the couch to clean it.  Underneath the couch was a bunch of dog toys, treats, and a gigantic mound of dog hair!  It was disgusting and embarrassing, but it’s all cleaned out now.  I was horrified, but so thankful that the mess under my couch and this relationship is over.  2018 is a clean start.