The Dating Scene Update

Update on Mystery Man:

The veterinarian came this week to do the annual vaccinations for my dogs and he asked where my ex-boyfriend was. He’s referring to Mystery Man. It has been a long time since anyone has asked me about Mystery Man with the assumption that we are still together. It made me feel sad. We were like a family with the dogs and despite all the bad, I have many fond memories of being with Mystery Man too.

Mystery Man has moved to China, although knowing him, it’s likely a temporary move. I still think about him from time to time. I’m not heartbroken about it anymore but it still seems like a huge thing for me.

The Dating Scene:

I’m talking to a handful of new matches online and I’m really excited now about taking to a number of guys.

I’m planning to meet a guy tomorrow. I get the vibe from him that he’s really interested in hooking up. He’s tall and from photos he looks alright. His Tinder profile screams douchebag though. I’m coming into this with no expectations. I feel like I shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself and I’ll see if there is any sexual attraction. If there is then maybe he can be fun.

There is a Filipino guy that I’m talking to that is also good looking and he and I have had in-depth conversations about chicken nuggets. It’s been hilarious. He didn’t ask me out yet but I did ask when he will be taking me out for some nuggets. He’s been chatty, but I don’t want it to be a pen pal. He looks hot in his pictures. Despite loving nuggets, he’s big into health and fitness.

The latest one that I started talking to tonight seems so interesting. His personality seems very similar to mine. We immediately click in a way that feels very exciting! I can already feel chemistry in just our chats. He’s not a fit kind of hot but he’s decent looking. I’m really excited about him and I hope he asks me out on a proper date. Everything he says makes me feel so connected to him already.

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Back to Swiping

I’m back to swiping. I didn’t feel the spark with the previous guy, let’s call him Mr. Honda Civic because that’s what he drove. I thought we’d for sure go on a second date though. The conversation flow was good. It was a first date after all.

Mr. Honda Civic did not text me the whole day today. And I thought that maybe he is giving it some time, the customary 2 day period. I went ahead and just sent him a quick note to thank him for getting the dinner. It’s been about two hours and no response. I’ll give it until tomorrow, but I’m just surprised. I’ve not often been cold shouldered after the first date.

** Okay, live update – Mr. Honda Civic responded via text to say he was super impressed. That’s cool, but maybe he’s lukewarm about it still since he didn’t even bother to contact me after.

Outside of online dating, I think I’m not putting myself in situations where I’m meeting new people often enough? How often should I be doing an activity where I am exposed to others though? I’ve been doing a lot of rock climbing and I like it a lot but I almost never meet anyone new. I do go out for meals from time to time with friends who bring others that I don’t know, and that’s nice. I also talk to the front desk guy at my office and it’s getting a bit flirty, I guess. Maybe I’m too hard on myself.

I believe that putting myself out there is important, but a lot of it is luck right? How I met Socks Jock is actually a nice story. I put myself out there by going to a Meetup. I dressed up nicely that day since I had time, and I just so happened to catch the attention of the hottest guy in the room. It’s a nice mix of effort and luck.

Mystery man was the same. I was happily scoping out an area of town and spontaneously decided to extend an event that I was hosting to accommodate even more people. Mystery man showed up and we all ended up doing an evening activity together too. Again, a mixture of effort and spontaneity and luck.

Both times involved some effort from me and also I was lucky to be dressy both times. It’s not just pure luck. It’s totally bullshit when people say it’s just fate, it’s not!

Lacking That Spark

I’ve not been head over heels in love with anyone since mystery man. My entire relationship with volleyball coach did not give me that kind of excitement and falling in love feeling. The closest thing to the feeling of excitement and sexual tension that I got was for drummer guy and it wasn’t as intense and was very short-lived. Drummer guy recently stopped responding to invitations and openings to get together. I’m okay with that because it was a very confusing and sexually charged friendship we had since he was seeing someone else.

I’m continuing to go on dates. Tonight I went on a dinner date. I don’t typically go on dinner dates as a first date but he asked and he seemed to be the gentlemen type and he seemed like someone I could get along with. The reason why I prefer coffee or drinks is because I can bail if it does not go well, but dinner is really a commitment.

He picked the spot and made reservations. The place had good ratings but unfortunately it was completely dead. I think it may be a good brunch place as opposed to dinner. The food was actually quite bad, but I loved the effort. He’s tall, Asian, a bit slender. He owns his own house and has been living away from his parents for half a decade, which is the same as me.

He was attentive. He asked me things about myself in a way that most people do not. He seemed genuinely interested in me. We seem to be on the same page about many things such as living away from the parents and having to have personal space. He seems mature. What I did noticed is that while he was very interested in me, he didn’t comment on my appearance or seemed wowed by me in that way.

Physical chemistry seems to be lacking and I think that is so important to create that spark. I think he’s alright looking and all so I’m not turned off by him. I’m going to chalk it up to it being the first time we met and him definitely not having a lot of experience plus not having that kind of forward personality. I would go out again to see if there is something more there.

Sex to Prevent Panic Attacks

I had a panic attack today, of the medical kind.  I’m not sure what it is that could have caused it.  I just wrote a blog recently about feeling content about where I am in my career, and the circle of people around me these days.  I am content in those aspects of my life, but when it comes down to it, being an entrepreneur is so stressful even though it is fulfilling.

I’m also convinced however that the lack of sex is also a factor.  I feel that my body hates me for depriving it, which I’m not intentionally doing.  I’ve only had 2 other times where I’ve had a panic attack, and both times I was not in a relationship.  The first time was just after I had finished my very first set of university-level exams.  The panic attack happened after everything was over with, it seemed like a result of all the pent up stress.  The second time, I was also single and I was stressed out over work and I had also recently broke up with my ex-boyfriend of four years.  I wasn’t immediately stressed, but maybe it was again pent up stress.

I do think that sex works wonders as an anti-stressor, and lately my solo sessions have been just me and my external vibrator.  I don’t even bother to remove my underwear, it’s getting that lazy.  I’m even too lazy to find any decent porn, and rely on my imagination.

Maybe I do need to find someone to scratch that itch.  I thought having someone do just that part is sometimes confusing, and I wanted to avoid that.  On the other hand, not getting any action seems to also be causing undue stress too.

Feeling too Content

I feel really content being single, quite possibly too content?  I really felt comfortable around Christmas time when Drummer Guy and I were spending a lot of time together.  Drummer guy was my homebody and that was good, especially when my stomach issues were acting up.  Once I got better, Raspberry became my doing stuff buddy.  We did rock climbing and went out for drinks together with mutual friends.

I just felt disinterested in dating, and I still feel disinterested.  The only reason why I got onto the online dating apps was to feel less emotionally dependent on Drummer Guy, who was already in a relationship with someone else.  And while I think it worked in that sense, it’s this whole idea of trying not to fall for the wrong guy that has me putting up a bit of a wall.

I’m just in such a good place right now.  I feel emotionally stable.  I have a good relationship with family, my friends, and I feel so content with the work that I do.  The major stressor in my life right now is trying to grow my business and making sure I get to spend enough time with my dogs.  It’s a great place to be, and it allows me to REALLY enjoy the little things like cuddling with my dogs, and getting really into rock climbing, getting really into cooking.  I feel really good about my mental state, compared to when I was in a relationship.

Being in a relationship is a rollercoaster of emotions.  I feel traumatized by all those times when Mystery Man would disrespect me by flirting with someone else and the feeling that I got from it.  It was like a sinking feeling followed by panic.  And with Volleyball Coach, I remember feeling so uncomfortable in his presence because everything about his lifestyle seemed to clash with the person that I wanted to be.  He was so insecure and I remember how I hated that he would be embarrassed of some of my actions.  Just thinking about some of this makes me feel angry.  I also remember the slew of guys that I’ve dated that wanted nothing more than just a good time and left me hurt namely, The Traveller, The Pie Guy and Socks Jock.

I know that I need to look past it all and continue to put myself out there if I want to eventually be with someone, which I still do.  I feel like I am putting myself out there, but I’m treating the dating environment like a war ground where I’m constantly dodging bullets.  See a guy who seems to be sex-driven?  Immediately swipe left.  See a guy who seems too sheltered and lives with his parents?  Respond in a friendly, yet curt manner because I’ve already decided that it isn’t going to go anywhere.  I feel like part of it is that I feel that I know more about what I don’t want so I don’t want to waste my time.  I feel justified about that, but I do think that I could get myself out there a bit more.

I said yes to a dinner with a guy that I considered an acquaintance.  It was a group dinner, and I didn’t inquire who was going.  Turned out quite good with me knowing some of the people who showed up.  He paid for everyone’s dinner using a gift card that he won from an online contest – score!  He asked me to come out climbing with him next weekend.  I like the idea of doing things that I would do anyway and just getting to know and meet more people.  That was a really positive experience for me and I would like more of those types of interactions, but of course, it’s difficult to recreate these types of experiences, it’s just one of those things that comes along and you have to say yes to.

An old coworker wants to get together.  I have zero interest in him in that way and I’m quite sure it’s mutual (although I’m not 100% certain and think he would be opened to hooking up), but I find his company entertaining enough.  In my mind right now I’m debating whether it would be a waste of time to spend any time with him at all, or to go and indulge in a bit of gossip and story telling.  I’m constantly weighing my priorities.

 

Clueless Mr. No

Just went on my first date since the relationship with Volleyball Coach. I really just wanted to break the ice considering that it has been more than two months since we broke up. I found this guy on OkCupid. I’ve shown his profile to a few friends and they all said no. So let’s call him Mr. No.

I was excited for the date with Mr. No. I dressed up, well as much as I could possibly dress up considering it is -10C outside. I put make-up on and accessories. It’s a simple coffee date.

I approached him and Mr. No tried to shake my hand, as if this was some kind of business interaction. I thought it was weird, initiated a hug and it still felt weird. He offered to get coffee, I reserved our seats. I loved the coffee shop that he picked it was such a nice space, I felt immediately comfortable.

He asked me about my job. He told me he never finished university and wasn’t a school kind of person. He’s clearly the nerd type though so we talked a bit about e-commerce and crypto currency. I was a bit distracted, actually by the beautiful coffee shop. He was rather dull and not that attractive. His level of attraction in his online photos was borderline acceptable, which is probably why he was Mr. No to begin but I figured he just picked bad photos. I saw potential. When I met him in person I found him unattractive. He had adult acne and no jawline. He was not well put together, was wearing a raggity t-shirt that was pilling and an oversized flannel shirt on top.

He said he had to run a few errands. I finally said, “Let’s head out”. Once outside the shop he tried to again shake my hand!!! I offered a hug. He said he was heading west, and I cluelessly asked which way I should head and he pointed the other way. Yup, I know for a fact that he has no idea whether the date went well or not. It seemes like he was just going through the motions.

Done with Drummer Guy (For Now)

Drummer guy and I are done (for now).  I just have a feeling like that is the case.  We usually spend weekends together and last weekend, I spent with my girlfriend and we had a bit of a wild weekend.  This weekend, I’m going skiing.  I threw a few ideas out there, which he normally takes the hook on, but he hasn’t recently.  The latest idea I threw out there was asking him and our mutual high school friend to see if they wanted to check out a restaurant that I had a credit at.  I suggested Sunday evening since I will be back from the ski trip by then.  He said “maybe”, but it later turned into a “no” when he realized that he was scheduled to work.

I guess I’m a bit indifferent about it.  Not like I’m in different about where the relationship could have gone, but I’m indifferent about being just regular friends and being regular friends and spending a ton of time together because we were just keeping each other open as options.  I wouldn’t say that the door is completely closed now, but I reckon that things with the girlfriend may be more serious now.

I still cannot say that I’ve gone on a date yet since the end of my relationship with volleyball coach.  There are two guys on OKCupid that I still speak to on a somewhat regular basis.  I’m noticing that messaging frequency is quite low on OKC.  So, one guy who has been terrible at responding to me and always seems to have a schedule that conflicts with mine.  And another guy who is also bad at messaging, and has been down with the flu recently.  They’ve both asked me out, but it just hasn’t happened yet.  I’m slightly more interested in the guy that is down with the flu and he seems to show a bit more initiative.

There really isn’t much more of an update.  Raspberry guy and I have been spending more time together, but again I don’t see him as anything more than platonic, though I get some very small hints that there could be something there on his side?  Not the first time I felt this.  It’s one of those things where he is such a great friend and I need him so much as a friend in my life right now.

On a separate note, I’ve not had sex in over three months.  And I’ve not had “amazing” sex in a very long time, I’d say over a year and a half was the last time I probably thought “that session was so amazing, let me take a minute and bask in this”.  I want to have better sex, and at the same time a meaningful relationship.  Hah, I’m probably asking for too much.