I want to indulge in the fantasy of The Motivator

I feel empty these days. Part of it is because we are again going into another lockdown state and gyms are closed again. I remember why I dated Zen Master now… because it was just something to do and he was kind of up for just getting up and doing things. I don’t miss him, not at all, but I do wish I had someone to do things with. I do like going on adventures, particularly outside hikes and I’ve always talked about finding a partner that would just do things with me. I want to have that, an activity partner.

The Motivator is anything but that. The last time he came by, it was nice. He always tries to pick a day where he can get off work early, which is nice. Last time he actually brought me gifts along with a bunch of things that he thought I might like. I guess he’s always been a gift giving kind of person and I thought it was sweet. We had a great time and because he didn’t need to go to work the next day, he stayed the night and it was really nice.

That night though, I had some kind of dream that really reminded me that while his gestures towards me are genuine, he doesn’t see himself with someone like me and that hasn’t changed. It’s obvious that he has other things in mind. He gets up the next day, chills in bed a bit and tells me he is going to go to the gym with another girl that we both know. I had a busy day ahead of me and thought it was perfectly normal for him to go with this other girl. The thing is I know him better than this already and I already know all this about him… it’s just that I like to fantasize that he could be something more all the time.

Well, we have a consistent thing going on between us. I wonder if we could do other things outside of our usual meet-ups but he doesn’t seem up for it. I think he’s pretty clear now that we are not rock climbing partners and that side of our lives is pretty separate. And that is what makes me feel a bit empty. I think there’s a void there that previously I was looking to others to do this activity with, and then there was Zen Master who just took up time and then I just have hobbies and other things that I did. Just in recent days since everything is on lockdown again, I can’t go to the gym and really.

I do kind of like that we don’t have a regular schedule when we see each other. It makes things more fun, more spontaneous, more sexy. And, actually me being only in his life in this way does actually make things a lot simpler.

I think the right thing to do here is to look elsewhere. I was actually quite motivated, mostly in spurts and so I guess I should get back to that. Whenever I do that though, I feel kind of shitty about being back on dating apps. I actually looked into a matchmaking service. It’s crazy expensive, and on one side I think it could be good, and on the other side I think I’m not sure if I’m mentally ready for that. I ask myself if I’m mentally ready to commit and the answer to that is no. Part of me actually really likes my life right now. I have lots of activities and having The Motivator as a sexual partner seemed perfect. I felt fulfilled, and really it’s only the lockdown that makes me feel like I have this space in my life that I would like to share with a significant other.

I even enjoy fantasizing about The Motivator. I know we aren’t really together like that, but he’s just easy to fantasize it, and sometimes just that is enough for me. I guess the thing is, nobody can really live up to the expectations of a fantasy and sometimes I just want to have it, having that fantasy is probably more enjoyable than the real thing. Why not? It could be perfect in my mind, right?

Wanting More Than Just The Motivator

The Motivator is now back in my life, consistently for several months now. Initially, I was ecstatic that he wants to sleep with me again. I was so over the moon about it. I wanted this from him for a long time and I felt that I made a mistake in prematurely ending our sexual relationship the first time. I was really hurt that it just seemed like he didn’t want an actual relationship with me. It just felt like my entire world was crashing down, because I finally gave someone a chance, I really opened myself up to someone in a very real way and I was blind-sighted when he rejected me. I really was, and so I was really hurt by it and in some way I just wanted to keep that relationship close to me. I saw so much potential for us. It didn’t matter that we come from different walks of life or whatever, and even though it was not reciprocated, I truly loved him.

Our friends with benefits relationship has been really good and has been going really well. I think particularly without the complexities of shared friendships – things have just been simpler. It’s easier for us to compartmentalize this relationship.

But, that’s the thing, this relationship is entirely compartmentalized. Since things were getting to be smoother with us, and we even do some simple gift exchanges with each other that feels quite normal, I started thinking that maybe we could be more. And just as I let my mind stray in that direction it just started making less and less sense to me.

No, actually this guy is just a friends with benefits, a pawn in my life, someone who is valuable, but a sacrificial piece. Not because I’m an ass and put him in that position, it’s the position he has chosen to have in my life. He’s great to share an evening with, is a considerate individual for the most part, is knowledgeable, and great at sex… but that’s it. He doesn’t want to give me anymore than that. As I started thinking about asking him whether he thinks this could be more, I started envisioning myself asking him just a simple question of whether he wants to come do this one activity with me… and I couldn’t! I have a booking to stay at a house or out of town cottage or whatever, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go forward with it. I thought about inviting him to spend the night with me, but I can’t get myself to do it. Why? I feel like I’m overreaching in this relationship if I did that.

Just every single action he has taken with me indicates that he doesn’t want more than this. I’ve actually propositioned him about doing another vacation together, and he’s strategically avoided it. I mean, part of me was starting to think that maybe he could be giving considerations that this relationship between us could be more… but I think it is rather that he is more comfortable with the friends with benefits relationship and has come more to terms about me being comfortable with where we are at, which is being friends with benefits.

So another thing that has prompted me to even write this post is seeing another friend of mine find someone who is seemingly truly amazing. He introduced myself and another friend of mine to his new significant other and I really liked her and I could see how they would be a great match. It has renewed my drive and interest in finding a relationship that I actually would really want again. I’ve been active on dating apps (on and off), and have met (or virtually met) a handful of guys who I feel were misses. I really think my issue is not that I don’t give these guys a chance, it’s that I do not dismiss them fast enough.

For awhile I was feeling quite content with what I have with The Motivator, but the more I think about it, the more I think… I can do better. I can actually find someone who has feelings for me in a real way and someone whom I can reciprocate these feelings with. I think coming out of my relationship with Zen Master, I felt a bit jaded about the guys out there being just utterly incompetent. But, after thinking about it some more I realize that I just haven’t found the right person. I look at my friend’s significant other and I really like her and realize that one of the qualities that I find very attractive about her is her intelligence. I cannot just meet any old dud that just seemingly fits the bill and is attracted to me and maybe even love me. No, that was Zen Master and I cannot live out the rest of my life with someone who lack those certain qualities.

After meeting my friend’s significant other, I realize that I too need someone who is intelligent, quick witted, knowledgeable and generous. Someone who is self-aware, and someone who wants to do things with me. While I think that The Motivator is all of these things, I also find that my own friends that I am close to generally tend to have these qualities as well. These are the kinds of people that I want to have around me, and I think there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m an adult and I can choose who I enjoy spending time with. I say this because in the past, I find myself spending a lot of time with people who I just don’t fully click with, but I put up with anyway. And while this is fine, I do think that I want to have more friends that jive with me in this way. Going back to a significant other though, even if The Motivator fits the bill here, he really isn’t willing to do things with me. And, on the other side of the spectrum Zen Master was willing to do all the things with me but just didn’t have these qualities.

Mentally, I think I’m finally at a spot where I can say that I deserve a significant other like this. Why not? I’m willing to put in the work for this to happen, willing to meet more guys and also willing to continue to improve myself so that I can be my best self when I meet said person.

Will I stop seeing The Motivator? No. I’m not going to make the same mistake last time in ending our relationship prematurely, that I admit was a mistake although it seems to have worked out alright now. Being able to have The Motivator in my life is definitely a value-added decision. I don’t think I need to let go of this in order to find someone else, but what I do need to do is admit to myself that I don’t need this relationship with The Motivator to be more than what it really is.

I think before, I kept thinking about how great of a person he is and all this potential that he has to be a great life partner. I would go around in circles thinking about him possibly not wanting me because I’m not what he’s looking for, that he’s looking for something better than me. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t even matter. One way to see it is that if he did want something better, then maybe by now he should have found that… but he’s back to seeing and sleeping with me. And the thing is that I don’t need to understand this about him. What I need to do is just focus on me.

Sometimes nowadays I still feel stupid and still feel like I’m chasing him. I’m always the one who asks him to come over, make these elaborate meals for us… but really I get just as much enjoyment out of it. And I think about this past summer when I tried really hard to just forget what we had and move on to seeing other people. Actually, it was The Motivator who presented himself on multiple occasions and found his way back into my life. He chased down this friends with benefit.

I’m not saying that The Motivator and I will never happen, but it is unlikely. And yeah for awhile I was content with just having a friends with benefit in my life, but especially now that I see my friend meeting such an amazing person I’m also motivated to find more for myself. And if The Motivator ever wanted more with me I think that he has every opportunity to show that.

I want to find someone who I can do activities with, who is willing to spend time with me. I want to go on hikes, travel the world, be active, go see shows, concerts, all these things. I want someone who would accept me as I am. I do feel like I often have to hide part of who I am to The Motivator and I don’t like that.

Valentines Day 2021 – Feeling Undesirable

Valentine’s Day, 2021. I think on Valentine’s Day, at least for the past few years I’ve created a distraction for myself and have really enjoyed the said distraction. I also realize that many other women out there feel the same so I’ve come to make sure that I’m there for my girlfriends who feel down on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t expect to feel down this year, not at all, and then it just hit me.

I mainly thought about my relationship with Mystery Man and my relationship with The Motivator. At this point, I’m entirely over Mystery Man. It took years for me to fully get over him. I have so many blog articles where I wrote about him, and how it was an honour to have loved him, even though it wasn’t reciprocated, and how he gave me something. I think that I can say that I’m over him, because given what I know now and where I am at now, if I had the opportunity to relive these moments with him, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t grimace at it, but I’m over that now. He never saw what it is that I was about, and because of that, there’s just no way that made sense for me.

The Motivator, well, I started to think about how he has hurt me. I reminded myself that this is the guy that went on to actively pursue another woman in the group and humiliated me. I also reminded myself how he literally has a photo of himself with me in the background as his dating profile picture. And I also reminded myself how he often talks about his ex-girlfriend and all the amazing things that he did for her, which is all the things that I would absolutely like to have, but don’t get from him. What I find to be painful is that, it seems like it’s not that he just doesn’t want to have a relationship, but that he just doesn’t want to have a relationship with ME. It bothers me that he’s disregarded me as a potential partner, but he’s totally fine with running back to have sex with me… and so we’re back to that situation again.

I always said that I regret saying that I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. And that I wished that I still had sex with him, and when he came back to have sex with me, I really was elated. I didn’t think that we were going to be together, but I did feel like maybe we were in an agreement that would feel more like an open relationship – but it’s not. He’s extremely closed-off with me, and I absolutely do not see him showing any vulnerability with me. What he’s shared with me about himself is very superficial.

Then I started to wonder if the sex we are having is even that good. So while I do think that sex with him is great, I am starting to question whether I think it’s great because of my emotional bond to him, or whether it is actually objectively good.

What it boils down to really is that both of these guys, Mystery Man, and The Motivator have both rejected me and they have made me feel undesirable, and I think that hurts me most. Even with my actual original FWB, The Rock Climber, we had a very good and healthy FWB relationship where I didn’t feel undesirable. I felt good about it.

From a personal development standpoint, these relationships, I think has helped me grow. And really, I don’t know if I’d be the same person today without them. Yeah, I personally gained from these relationships. I do also look back at my relationship with Mystery Man and see that I also closed some doors because of it also. I wished that, especially when I saw that things weren’t working that I had kept my doors more open to date others.

At this point, with The Motivator, I just have to accept that he’s not the right man for me. I need to continue to create a path for me to move forward, and yes that would mean that at some point we would need to stop sleeping with each other. And unlike last time, I hope that I don’t make decisions that I come to regret.

When he came back into my sexual life last time I felt elated about it. I was over the moon! And no, it’s not because I thought he wanted a romantic relationship with me, no. I felt that our sexual relationship ended prematurely. I thought that maybe he did want to have a sexual relationship with someone, but just not one that is committed. Though, the more I think about it these days, I don’t think that is the case. I do think he is looking for something, someone that can mean more to him, and that he just simply doesn’t see it in me. Big difference.

Another part of me wants to feel like maybe the more time I spend with him, the more the magic of just spending time with him will wear of, just like it does in any other relationship, you just get tired of each other.

I do know that what he is giving me is just not enough for me. I guess this is now my time to re-do what I did wrong last time, continue on my search while having the benefits of him to sleep with and maybe amusement until it’s no longer amusement.

And for sure this time, if I won’t upright say that I don’t want to sleep with him anymore (unless I really had to). I actually don’t think that I owe him that at all. If we’re really just FWB, then it is what it is. And maybe I just won’t feel like it and we can go without it, I could just pull back my efforts, as I am allowed to, because after all, this is just a FWB. I won’t box myself into a commitment to not sleep with him if I don’t have to.

The Motivator – The Facade that I Created

The Motivator and I, who would have thought this would continue to be a working friends with benefit relationship? Not me. I’m still in awe that after more than a year of trying to push me away that he would come back.

I guess I’ve been quite occupied, and he hasn’t really asked to come by – he never really does. And so it makes it difficult for me to figure out how often he’d like to come over anyway. But I think this last time it was nearly two weeks before I asked him to swing by. I guess it makes sense for me to be the one to invite him over since it’s my place. It actually gives me a lot of control over how often I want this to happen also. I think he was quite eager to come over by the time I invited him. He immediately responded and said he could swing by on the same day! I didn’t expect that, but it was a nice surprise.

He also isn’t really that obvious when it comes to whether he will stay or not. He really lets things unfold naturally, and doesn’t put pressure on me. I think that makes me feel really comfortable.

I talk a lot, especially when I am inebriated. He’s more so of a listener so everything just comes out of me. It’s probably rather unsexy, but he doesn’t really say much about himself. I feel like at this point, I’ve just told him everything already. Is there really any more to say about myself that he hasn’t heard? It’s not that I’m tired of speaking with him, it’s just that it’s a rather one-sided conversation. I do enjoy it, but sometimes I do feel like it’s a necessary ritual that we go through just to get into the bedroom with each other.

It’s not that I don’t like him, I do, but it’s also that I don’t feel like I impress him. And it also feels like I don’t think I could impress him. It’s just, it is what it is and I’ve accepted that.

Physically, I think we have a lot of chemistry in bed. This past time, I took the initiative and really created a different experience. I mean, we both were great and did our parts to create a really pleasurable experience for ourselves. I’m actually really proud of the experience we created in bed, and I love that it seemed like he was super satisfied also. I feel so confident about my performance and when it comes to sex, I think this is me hitting it out of the ballpark. I’ve never felt better about my sexual skills than I do now.

I like to feel that maybe I could drive him to really desire me, even if that means mostly sexually, I’m fine with that. And I hope to feel this way because then I myself would feel like this is it. This was the best that I could have with him. Naturally, when our lives converged, this was the best that we could make come out of our relationship.

I feel better about it this time because I see it for what it is now. Before, I feel like he lead me on to think that this was more than just friends with benefits. And I felt that he had to, in order to get this far with me. But I think because of that I was really quite hurt about it. Now, I do feel better about it. I feel like because I can see it for what it is, it is now on me to figure out what I’d like to do with it.

I am open and looking to date others. I feel excited about that journey, even though it’s very slow. I talk to new guys online and I feel like I am open to creating new connections. I feel like I could find something that can be more meaningful than my relationship with The Motivator. A friends with benefit relationship can totally be beautiful, but there are too many boundaries. Both sides making sure that the relationship fits into the box that it was meant to fit into. I don’t want just that for myself. And yeah at one point, I had really hoped that The Motivator wouldn’t box us in, but I guess I know how that is all he has to offer.

I do wonder sometimes though, if he just doesn’t want that, or whether he just doesn’t want it with me. I know that I’d be hurt if I found out that it was the latter. I’m starting to think about the possibility of just saying that I conquered what I could and be a part of getting our relationship as far as it could possibly go and walking away.

Oh, I 100% know that these feelings that I have aren’t even real. I think I realize that I have this problem where I feel like I want to be accepted, and I can get terribly hurt when I don’t feel that someone that I really respected didn’t accept me. This hurt and this ego really just adds to the heartbreak of what I think the relationship could be. I do realize that much of this is in my own head.

I think about having an actual more normal monogamous relationship with someone and the idea of it seems rather mundane. I guess it’s because I think that I don’t know if I can feel that way towards someone that could actually like me back to the same magnitude.

What is love really? Even if it’s one-sided, I feel that what makes it real is how it makes you feel. And, maybe it’s because I’m broken, but these really one-sided relationships seem to make me feel the most alive.

Dating During the Pandemic – The Adventurer

I met someone new, I’m going to call him The Adventurer. We actually started talking about a month or so ago. I was talking to him on Bumble several months ago, but he said he was dating someone else and things were getting more serious… but he said we could still connect. I always knew that he wanted to keep me on standby just in case his current relationship didn’t work out. I really didn’t like that idea, but he had seemingly good qualities – he’s athletic, sociable, and I also liked that he seemed to care about his budding relationship. We shared stories about our own dating situations.

So, I guess things weren’t going well with his relationship and they ended up breaking up over Christmas over something seemingly quite small. His significant other had an ear infection and he wasn’t there for her, as in, he didn’t come over. It just seemed like a communication break-down. So, we’re now a few days into the new year and he suggested that we meet up. Like I said, I always knew I was the back-up, and I was curious so I decided, why not? We seemed to agree on many things in life so, I was willing to take the chance.

Since the entire city is under a strict lockdown due to the pandemic, and it’s freezing cold outside, there really was no choice but to meet at one of our places. Since I had The Motivator over the other day and all this stuff out at my place that I didn’t want to clean-up, I suggested to go over to The Adventurer’s place. He asked me what I wanted to do and I suggested the creative idea of doing a hotpot with whatever it is we already had in our fridges. He loved the idea.

I got to his place and it’s odd because it’s the first time we’ve ever met in person. I get into his house and for some reason I thought he was renting the basement of a house on his own or with a roommate… nope. It was awkward when I asked if he had a roommate and he said no. So, I said you have this entire place to yourself? Also, no. It was only when he gave me a full house tour that he mentioned that he had two kids! So, for over a month we’ve been talking and he doesn’t care to mention that he’s a divorcee with two kids joint custody.

I’m processing this while we do the tour, and decide that well, I’m there already so I’m going to keep an open mind. Although inside, I did feel like I was actually quite excited to finally meet this person and I was let down. The picture that I had painted for him was not not far off… except for this huge missing piece that he withheld, purposely I’m sure.

The rest of the night went generally well. I can tell he is the ambitious go-getter, adventurer, wants to live life to the fullest. We made the hotpot together, and just as he said, his cooking skills were quite negligible, but I don’t really care about that since I’m quite adequate with that. What I found a bit annoying was that he doesn’t have much chill. He immediately started throwing all sorts of random stuff into the hotpot and eating really fast. He made us some drinks and also we played a bunch of games afterwards. He’s competitive and when I beat him, he was both impressed, but it also bothered him. We played this dancing game, some board games, and even went to his basement to throw the volleyball around. I could tell he was quite impressed by me. It just so happened that we did activities that I had experience with. He also tried to show me how to break-dance but he wasn’t a great teacher. It was a fun time. I could tell he didn’t want me to leave and he kept keeping me later and later. Finally, at 3am, I left his place after sobering up.

We hugged at the doorway and we kissed. He’s not a great kisser, which so far, has been a pretty good indicator of what is to come in bed. So I wasn’t impressed about that. What makes for a good kiss? A good kiss has someone with relaxed lips and his was just too pursed, and we went in for a few kisses actually so it wasn’t just one. When I kiss The Motivator or The Rock Climber, I can immediately tell they are good kissers, even when we just kiss at the doorway goodbye.

Overall, it was a great night, but it’s only after some after thoughts that really made me hone in one what seemed off about it all. I think now that him having an ex-wife and kids has come to light, I feel like I have a fuller picture of him. I think him and The Rock Climber are actually not so different at all. They are both highly ambitious guys that feel like the world is their oyster. They hold great jobs and excel at their jobs. They are highly sociable and value others who are sociable. They are athletic and competitive and also value the same in others. These are generally good traits, but the full picture that I’ve put together of him is that this is him, and he cannot be tied down by relationships and kids. During the night, he said to me himself that having kids does not define him. And during our online messaging chatters, he often talks about travelling the world and going on a “boys trip”. He’s quite a bit older than me, but actually, I think he’s quite immature.

The Adventurer has told me on many occasions that he does not feel his age, but I think he’s in denial of his age is more like it. I’ve actually asked him about his “boys trip” and wondered how people in his age group can still get together for a “boys only” trip since I expected most of them had wives and kids. He clearly has not finished living his bachelor life. I don’t think I have to ask him about his divorce, I’d place a bet that he left his wife, and bought himself the freedom to take the kids 50% off the time, and take back what freedoms he could have. I don’t think this way of everyone that is divorced, this is just how I’m reading this situation.

He tells me that he is a good dad, but he doesn’t bring up being a dad. There are no pictures of his kids in the house anywhere. And yeah the line of him saying that he doesn’t let being a dad define him is really shitty. So my impression of him is that he’s a man-child. There are man-children who are dependent on their parents for cooking and cleaning, and then there are man-children who want to continue living a selfish bachelor life forever. It’s one thing if that’s a life-choice to not have children, but once you have children, I do believe that especially when your children are young that your dedication is to that. He’s proud of his freedom, his athletic abilities, his social group of friends as far as I am concerned.

Even his interest in me seems to reflect that. I am much younger than him, and I live the bachelor life. I have the freedoms to travel the world if I wanted to. He’s an old man as compared to me, and I probably would make him feel young, youthful. But no, the more I think about it, the more I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. I don’t want to be with a man-child that cannot handle adult responsibilities like having to take accountability for his own children. That’s not a life partner that I’d want.

Generally speaking, I’m not looking for someone who has divorced and/or have children. That’s a lot of baggage. I do feel like I’m getting to the point in my life where this is a possibility and I should keep more of an open mind… however, this is just a huge red flag for me. I think he could find someone more suitable, someone young, free, open minded to being with someone who has kids, someone who doesn’t want kids of their own. It could be a great life, a really fun one at that, but also a life that’s not very stable. This is a man that is willing to up and jump ship when things aren’t exciting anymore.

Yeah, I have a hard time sometimes just letting things go. Usually in the past, I’d try to see this out. The example of this is The Divorcee. I actually have lots of respect for The Divorcee, he lives his life as is and he doesn’t compromise. Even though he has a kid, he made it clear quite upfront and actually if it wasn’t for the lack of physical chemistry with him I think it could have worked… possibly. But I think now, I’ve made enough mistakes with seeing things through that doesn’t need to be seen through. I’m fine, I don’t need to see things through with The Adventurer. I think it could be fun, yes, but I already have my mind made up about him. He’s not even worth being friends with benefits with. I already have a good FWB or two, so I’m going to just move on. There’s more fish out there in the sea.

The Motivator

Last night, The Motivator came by on a whim again. He insisted on getting me a bottle of whiskey and said he would come by to “drop it off”. Alright this is the third time that he is electing to swing by. Anyway, I knew he would come back eventually after the last time we had sex and it was oh so awesome. It wasn’t a surprise, but the timing is always a surprise and it still makes me excited.

I wasn’t ready though. I hadn’t washed my hair, and I think the worst part was when I needed to take a dump. Damn, I was contemplating it. I was like oh maybe I don’t need to go, but then I eventually really needed to go… so the dilemma here, and I’m totally over thinking it is that I wanted to have sex with him but I just pooped. And now I wanted to shower before having sex…

I was thinking oh maybe we can just both shower (separately). He had set his alarm for 8:15am, which I thought meant he was going to stay over and go to work after. He had different plans. He said he was going to go home after one more drink. I really wanted to have sex…, but I also wanted to shower first.

I settled for wiping my bum with a wet wipe…

I think because I had eaten before he came, it took me longer to feel drunk/high. So we keep chatting and mainly nearing the end it was me chatting about myself. So now it’s past 2am, and he’s still here… I simply asked him to come to bed and he complied. I think he wanted to make it seem like he’s not here for the sex, make it be like he is here for me, which is nice. But I’m thinking, I want sex.

I guess I was more drunk than I thought, because the sex was quite blurry. I remember giving him head, and he was actually talking dirty to me a bit. That was sexy, nice to see him participating actively in the non-physical side of it also. I don’t remember too much of the actual sex, but I remember he did the work. He grabbed a condom, it was the ribbed one apparently (I saw it the next morning). I don’t think I got that much pleasure out of the experience, it wasn’t bad either though… He just kind of went ham and fucked me really hard.

Afterwards, as he was heading out (turns out he wasn’t staying), I said it felt bad that he gets really little sleep when he comes by. I said I can come to him if that makes it easier. He said no, because he has a roommate that lives on another floor. I joked and said that I could be really quiet. He said it would be awkward, and really shut that down hard. Even before, we’d never have sex at his place (he lived somewhere else before). In retrospect, I shouldn’t have pressed this issue, but I was drunk, and it was post-sex and I was feeling playful and we were cuddling and kissing.

And then he left, he kissed me on his way out.

It just wasn’t the sexual experience that I was hoping for. I wished I was cleaner and I wish it had gone differently. I’m still okay with it, but as I thought about it more, I think I’m just dissatisfied by him in general. There were a few things said to me during dinner. Maybe he was tired, but he didn’t seem amused by me, now it just seems like we’re back into the regular swing of things. Maybe I should have just let him go home without the sex…

I don’t know. I’m probably overthinking it, but this much I know is true… I need to ask myself what I’m getting out of this and if it’s something that I want to continue, and if so, for how long, and how does it benefit me?

In and Out Guys

So what is going on in my life. Well, the Rock Climber has moved to another city. Seems like a smart move given how locked down we are due to the pandemic. Funny thing is I might actually go for a trip to the same city, we’ll see how that pans out though. I’m not going there for him, and who knows if he can even get out to see me given that he will be living with his girlfriend. But either way I’m fine with either getting some or not from him while on the trip.

So there is someone that is younger that has been hitting on me through Instagram. I know him from before and actually we’ve actually climbed together before. I actually thought he was a great guy, minus him being a bit younger. So, I’m keeping an open mind, especially with the Rock Climber being out of the city I figure it could be some fun. I swung by his place on my way back from picking up some ice cream, and he gave me a tour of his place. He was touchy and it’s clear that he was showing his interest. I left because I was on my period and wasn’t feeling well, and also wasn’t super feeling him.

I decided to maintain an open mind and come back to this younger guy’s place again. I brought a bottle of wine which I felt could help loosen me up. It’s just for fun anyway, right? So I go there, and I brought the wine and some candy. He made a whole fuss about feeding me last time, so I figured we would do dinner since it was a bit past 6pm. Nope, didn’t seemed like he planned for dinner and also he wanted to go straight to a movie and chill… I was annoyed by that. He dimmed the lights, I reluctantly picked a movie and he continues to try to have a full blown conversation with me during the movie. He was really touchy but in a really weird way, made me “promise” him not to tell a “secret” that he was telling me, and made me pinky swear… it was soo cheesy and over the top, and it was like non-stop. He was talking so much that I had to ask him to put subtitles on the movie, and then at one point I just told him to shut up so we can watch the movie.

And then he had his elbow just fully digging into my thigh, but by this point I was so annoyed I didn’t even bother to say anything. I went on my phone, and when he saw that he tried to talk over the movie again. I enjoyed the movie a lot, it was a climbing movie… an interest that we both shared, but yet I just didn’t feel like he said anything meaningful about the movie at all. I basically faked being sick, and went to use his washroom a few times, just because I naturally needed to pee though. While in his washroom, I debated stealing something as a constellation prize for a shitty date. There was nothing. In retrospect, the unopened toothbrush was probably the best thing, but because of the awkward shape of the toothbrush (too long), I decided not to take it. I went home and immediately felt better and had a great night in by myself instead.

So, I during the movie, I was actually texting a girl from Hinge. She seemed like she had a proper head on her shoulders, worked a decent job and shares some similar interests as me. So we chatted over two days, before I decided that great, let’s see what she’s looking for. She said she wants to make friends and get to know each other as friends first rather than just jumping into dating each other. I don’t want that, no. I basically just want to have a sexual experience with a girl and that’s it. I don’t want to befriend a girl and all that jazz, so that’s a no go for me.

The Rock Climber sent me a text back after I wished him a merry christmas, and it was cute. The Motivator and I have been sporadically texting each other. It’s kind of cute too, he wants to get me some whiskey and has been insisting on it actually. We talked about a movie and then he said he had another movie to watch, I asked him to wait for me, and he said okay. The banter is for once, cute, as opposed to annoying. I used to be annoyed because when we used to text, he just had instances when he just seemed annoyed. As much as I like him, I don’t see a future with him, mostly because he just seems so reluctant to allow anything to progress with us.

There’s another guy that I’ve been talking to. He was dating someone and it was starting to get serious, but oddly enough he added me to his phone and has been chatting me up. I felt like I was his backup plan, which typically is not cool, but he was very relatable and checked in on me. It was fun chatting with him and it totally didn’t feel like work, so I just kept it going. I mean, I’m not doing much anyway. Well, just after Christmas, it seems like they agreed that it wasn’t going to work between them. I’m pretty certain that if they aren’t getting back together that he’ll probably want to meet with me.

My girlfriend says at least I’m lucky enough to have one guy in my life that I’m sleeping with. And I am, but I told her that I have to keep my eyes looking forward. It would be easy to start to want The Motivator again, because I already know him. But I need to really look forward to find a new path for me, one that might not seem so obvious.

A fresh start

It’s Christmas and quite possibly one of the best Christmases I’ve had in forever. This past few months have been a blessing. Zen Master was a fun thing to do this year, it was a nice past time for me to date him but after leaving him I have no regrets about letting it go. It was a relationship that helped me zone out and enjoy the simple things in life. It was enough for me to realize that I needed something more stimulating than that. The Rock Climber, my on-and-off lover for over two years now has been a blessing. I think we were both able to have a better understanding of each other, and as a result just have more respect for one another. Physically we have a lot of chemistry and it has been wonderful, although he’s going to be away for almost a year, I know he will come back and I’m sure we will pick up from there if our lives have space for it.

Now, The Motivator coming back into my life in a physical way was probably the biggest surprise of the year for me. It just felt that all year we continued to grow apart. It was really satisfying, both emotionally and physically. It just felt right in so many ways. This time though, I already know that he would never want anything more than this from me. I don’t know how to describe how freeing it feels to sleep with him and just have a solid understanding of what he wants, what he doesn’t want, etc. I wished that if the first time around, he could have been more articulate about what he really wanted I would have not had different expectations.

I think because I felt like I was rejected for so long, and I think it bothered me because it made me feel undesirable. I’m not sure why physically being back with him was such a powerful thing for me. I guess it made me feel desirable, and then allowed me to see the situation without that feeling of being undesired. He desires me, he just doesn’t want to BE with me in a way that is serious. So, then why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t see me seriously? So then I’m back in the, “I don’t want to be with him boat”, again.

At this point, I think it would completely be feasible for me and The Motivator to have a similar FWB relationship that I have with The Rock Climber. I’ve put enough space between us now such that I could be more removed from his life, be less invested. Just like The Rock Climber, The Motivator to me at least, has become more of a stranger in my life. As much as I wanted The Motivator to be a part of my life, because I felt that he made a significant impact on my life since we’ve met, he is nobody more than a stranger to me. The things that he shares with me, the way in which we interact with each other, we are strangers. I want to think of him as a close friend, but we are not. He doesn’t allow me to be his friend.

I’ve become more aware of this now particularly because a friend of mine recently seems to have gone through some heartache. I know her situation so well (because it’s the same situation as The Motivator and I), that I just feel so much empathy for her. She was in a FWB situation with another guy, and I think in the beginning she was just seeing where it could go. And when she finally figured it out, it seems like the guy just didn’t choose her and found someone else that he clicked with more.

The fact of the matter is that The Motivator and I seem to have zero chance of being together in any serious capacity. I do seriously believe that The Motivator came back into my life because he could not get sex anywhere else. I don’t think that he doesn’t desire or like me either. I do think he that he has a commitment issue and doesn’t want to commit to me, but also that he doesn’t seem to want to commit to anyone else who likes him also. He openly acknowledged a few things to me that aligns to this. He said that it’s pretty difficult during the pandemic lockdown to connect with other. He also said he realizes he’s the kind of guy that would usually grow on someone, not the kind that can just instantly hit it off. This is something that I acknowledge to be true also (to myself). So, he pretty much came back to just get laid. Is this fine? I some sense, yes because I enjoyed it, but at the same time, I feel like I need to be able to walk away from this.

I’m absolutely not going to retrace my steps last year and tell him that we aren’t going to sleep together. That is absolutely not the right answer. This is my chance to be in the same position that I was last year (sleeping with The Motivator, and liking it, but also realizing that the relationship will go nowhere). If I could go back to my position from last year (which is exactly what happened), I would instead just go look for someone that I want to be with more than The Motivator.

Last year, it was difficult because I spent so much time with The Motivator. I just spent so much time with him that I wasn’t able to emotionally detach myself from him. This year, I admit that it’s much easier. We aren’t seeing each other weekly. But also, I think I’ve been able to convince myself that I already conquered that relationship with The Motivator, as in our relationship has already peaked. We’ve reached the top of our relationship, there would be no moment that we will experience in the future together that would be better than what we’ve already experienced together in the past. I mean, as far as physical experiences with each other, I think that the last time I had sex with him, it was sooooo bomb, and in my opinion, it was so good that it’s likely, nothing will top that experience. I just feel like it’s not possible for it to be better unless there was more of an emotional connection.

I already feel like since we had sex together again, I’m able to clear my mind of my physical desires for him and as a result was able to let go of some pain too. Before, I found it really difficult for me to listen to music that he specifically put on to have sex. Now, I’ve been enjoying these great music selections without feeling that emotional pain that I felt before. It felt freeing.

As much as I wanted to see where the relationship could go, I think that freeing my mind of the physical desires for him also made me become aware that I am not sure whether I can see a viable relationship with someone like him. I think about our relationship “downs”, and they are really shitty, worse than many relationship issues that I’ve had to deal with. The biggest thing that comes to mind is how he treated me when we were on a trip together. How suffocated I felt at times with him. I also recall a few times where he would deliberately described to me how he was annoyed by me. It would suck to be in a relationship with someone like that, someone who I couldn’t feel fully comfortable being myself with.

And that’s another huge point. I cannot be myself with The Motivator. The reason why we are not social media friends is basically for this reason. Even when I first met him, I already sensed that he wasn’t or wouldn’t want to be with someone like me. I’m this social person that goes out and does cliche things, for fun and for no reason. I would never show him any new projects that I’m working on, or in a simple example I would never dance in a silly way in front of him really. He has really created this character of himself towards me as someone that isn’t all that silly, and actually as someone who is really serious. He’s actually someone who is quite serious, doesn’t share about himself and someone who is meticulous about his property.

So the main thought coming out of this is that I need to leave this relationship behind me, and it doesn’t need to be immediately, but I think that I need to start carving a map out for myself of how I can exit this phase of my life. I just cannot see The Motivator and I being able to salvage what we have and actually somehow build a wholesome relationship together. The more that I think about it, the more that I realize that it would be easier to build something new with someone else that is new and is hopefully a better fit with me.

Going back to The Motivator, let’s say by some miraculous chance he changes his mind and realizes that he wants to be with me, actually (not going to happen). Even if he does this, I am not sure whether I’d be more grateful to give the relationship a try, or whether this entire on and off relationship that we’ve already had has ruined the magic. If I think about it, that potential to truly mutually fall in love with each other and feel excited about it all might just be gone. We already know each other, and at least for me, I already know the magic of falling in love with him already. Doing it over again a second time just won’t be as charming. As much as I don’t want to admit this, the moment for that has come and gone.

It’s just becoming more and more clear to me that I will come out on top if I am more proactive in finding a more suitable life partner. This dream of having The Motivator be my life partner needs to end.

I mean, I knew this before and last year it’s not like I didn’t try to date other people. I dated a bunch of people actually, none of them clicked for me, and really I think it’s a numbers game and I just need to try more. I truly feel that it’s my only path for me. I have to move away from this relationship with The Motivator, and not in the same way that I did it last year. Last year, I wasn’t ready to let it go, but I forced myself to and I felt regretful of that decision. But I am where I am now and I think that’s the more important thing.

It’s like I got to back in time to remake this decision! What a blessing. So we’re back to where we were a year and a half ago, casually sleeping with each other even though I know it will go nowhere. Absolutely I will not make the same mistake. I realize now what he’s good for (a FWB), and I welcome that, but I also welcome that maybe I want more, and I’m not talking about a serious relationship, even in the sense of just having a deep connection with someone, I want that, I want more of that. I do believe that I can have something deeper with someone who is more willing to open themselves up to me, than with someone like The Motivator where it feels like even after so long we are just still strangers.

The Motivator Going At It

So just like that The Motivator is back (again). I wasn’t sure if the last time we hooked up was a one-off or not. It definitely seemed intentional on his part. I just kind of let it be for a bit. I didn’t feel like I needed it, which is nice. We were supposed to go to the gym together, but I just couldn’t get a spot and now the city is on covid lockdown again. He openly decided to share his plans and such so I thought that was his way of staying connected and being open, so it made it easy for me to invite him over for dinner.

He is either clueless or doesn’t want to come out as being too eager. I asked him over and he just entirely ignored the question. Started asking me about other things. Then when I ignored him thinking it was his way of politely turning me down, he comes back the next day saying that he can come over.

The dinners that I make for him are elaborate and full as usual. I truly enjoy spending time with him, especially now that he’s more open. I think this time wasn’t as enjoyable as the last, because it has only been a bit over a week since we last saw each other and we had already spoken about so many things already the previous time. We spend a lot of time just chatting, and I wasn’t sure if he was going to make a move again. I try to suggest that we Netflix and chill but he first said he already saw the movie I suggested and then later when I sat on the couch, he remained in his chair in the kitchen.

Then, he asks when I’m going to bed. He’s clearly super intoxicated and inebriated. I ask if he’s joining in bed and he said for a bit until he’s sober. We hit the bed and instantly start cuddling and making out. I’m over this feeling of it being surreal now I think, but it’s definitely odd to think that we’ve been sleeping in the same bed for about a year without touching each other, and now we’re back at each other.

Last time, I felt a bit bad about not remembering the experience because I was so inebriated. This time, it wasn’t like that at all and I was intoxicated but still very aware. I wanted to make it really good, and it really truly was good. I went down on him, and I think sometimes I get too carried away, but this time I did spend some effort to make sure that wasn’t the case. He went down on me too, and he really went at it. We just really went at each other hard this time. He didn’t use a condom, but pulled out and it was hot AF.

He stayed and slept until the wee hours of the morning before he left to make sure he could go home to change and go to work. I helped him pack some food for lunch, hugged and kissed him on the cheek, which he reciprocated and then he left. So just like that sex is now definitely confirmed to be back on the table.

I don’t feel attached to him. This time, I am aware that this is just a friends with benefit situation. And I also felt really good about the sex. I feel like it was a really good session and if he doesn’t come back for more than he’d be crazy.

During dinner I suggested that we do a threesome together, and he said sure, make it happen or something along the lines of that. I feel like trying to find a girl to join us would be quite difficult. The situation itself is rather unusual already, and then add to that everyone is afraid of getting covid. It seems like an unlikely situation, although it was nice to hear that he would agree to it.

I haven’t heard from the original FWB the Rock Climber recently, which is just fine. I think having two FWB would be too much? Or, maybe not. I also have another guy who is younger than me making some real advances through text. I know him, funny enough, also through rock climbing and I think it would be an easy close… but I’m not sure if I’d want that to progress in that way. So, yeah all of a sudden, it’s raining men hallelujah! This might be my best Christmas yet. I usually somehow end up feeling so heartbroken for Christmas every year, so this is unusual.

I’m going to play my FWBs, is what I’m going to do, while at the same time using that confidence to find someone that I connect with more deeply for a relationship. That is the broad plan.

The Motivator Comes Back for Sex?!

The Motivator and I are not finished. After a good 6 months of him continually rejecting me in 2019 (and numerous posts about this), and nearly an entire year where I tried to distance myself and move on from this guy in 2020, something changed? He’s been wanting to come by to see me and I didn’t think anything of it. The last few times he popped by, it was just him popping by and then leaving. The last time he wanted to pop by, he made me decide between him and my current friends with benefit, The Rock Climber. I picked my current friends with benefit because I wanted to have sex. My thoughts are that The Motivator and I would never have sex again.

Wow, was I wrong. So after all of this, The Motivator and I hooked up again! So he comes over and I’m thinking that he just wants to pick up something. Even as he swung by, it felt like he was just there for a pick-up. He asked me to come down… so I did, and I was wrong. He wanted to park his car underground so I had to help him get in. He brings out a bottle of wine from his trunk, okay so he wants to drink. So we drink and smoke and his demeanor was entirely different, very open, very positive, and also interested in what I had to say. He asked if he needed a parking pass and I said I’d get it for him, so now I realize that he plans to stay late.

We continue talking and funny enough my FWB wanted to see me on the same night and I had to text him to say that I couldn’t do it. I was having a great time, ordered some food in for us and we kept drinking. I was having a great time drinking. For once, he wasn’t critical of me, no snark remarks, no facade trying to pretend he didn’t remember things about our past. In fact, he brought up some details that even I wouldn’t have remembered. I joked that we almost never finish the wine. He says that we’ve probably finished 10 bottles of wine together in full out of all of the times we’ve hung out, even I couldn’t string together an estimate like that.

We talked a bit about the group drama and he seemed interested in what I had to say and wanted to know more about what I had to say. He was not dismissive about the things that I said. It was clear that this is not a usual drop-in visit. It was now really late, and we landed on the topic of climbing movies and he suggested that we watch it! At that point, I kind of clued in that he wanted to get with me, but I wasn’t sure. He did a washroom break, at which point I realized that I was way too drunk and plopped myself onto my bed.

He came out of the washroom and offered me a massage. Oh, a massage on my bed while I’m incredibly wasted? There’s no other way to interpret this. My drunk self pulled a hand back to pull him in closer and started rubbing his thighs. I’m drunk, but I’m still wondering whether this was actually happening?! I flip over, and with my eyes still closed I remove his belt and he did the rest. I was wearing a dress that was difficult to remove so I helped him take it off.

I am not clear on the details after this, and I’m pretty sure I blacked out at parts of this sexual experience. I did tell him that I’m really drunk. He asked if this was really okay and I assured him that it was. I remember kissing him, making out with him and when his pants came off, I went down on him. I think that I probably could have done a better job, but I was drunk and I was afraid that if I gagged too hard that I might throw up, and I think he had the same thoughts.

He pulled me up and onto him. I was on top for a bit, it was a bit dry starting out, and that usually is the case when I smoke up, but once I started getting into it, I think he got worried about finishing too quickly. I remember that he gets like that sometimes. He gets up to reach for the condoms, which funny enough, he knew exactly where they still were. He doesn’t miss a beat. He opts for missionary and I remember a moment where I realize that my eyes had been closed the whole time and I opened my eyes to look up at him, thinking wow, is this really happening? After so long, he’s decided that he wanted to fuck me. In my drunken state, I tell him to fuck me. It was hot. We kissed too. I don’t think I finished, I was just too drunk, but I’m fine with this.

When he finished, I rolled over and passed out with him beside me. I was just that drunk. I woke up in what seemed like the middle of the night to use the washroom and when I went to the kitchen to grab some water, he was already there and he handed me the cup of water without missing a beat. I’m entirely naked in the dark. He tells me it’s 6am and that he should get going. I had invited him out to go climbing with me and some other mutual friends from the group the next day and said that he should just stay until then. He said something along the lines of him sleeping better at home, but I think the reason why he wanted to leave was because he knew that I was being picked up and he didn’t want to be caught at my place in the morning.

I said he could leave if he wanted to, I put on some clothes as he put on his. I get up to see him out while half asleep and still drunk. I know I’m still drunk because as he left, we hugged, and kissed. I’m not sure if the kiss was more me or him, but it happened and he kissed me back. He says to keep things under wrap and I said sure. We’ve both gone through too much drama with this group, enough to know that they would make it a bigger deal than it actually was. He leaves to go home.

The next day, he joins us at the gym, and I keep things cool and casual. I just saw him so I’m not overly affectionate or feel the need to hug him. If anything, he’s the one that is back to paying me more attention. It felt exactly as it did the first time he pursued me. If I fell at the gym, he’d ask me if I was okay, he is attentive, and he offered to be partnered up with me. He offered to drive me back home afterwards (since the another person drove me there), and he even texted me after.

It’s not like I ignored his texts and I do appreciate him maintaining that connection after we just fucked, it would be rude not to. At the same time, I don’t want to make it out to be more than what it was. I think he just wanted to fuck and we fucked. I’m not going to think that he has changed his mind about me. After knowing me for that long, he knows the kind of person that I am thoroughly. It would be naive for me to think that he woke up one day and decided he wanted something serious with me. We are friends with benefits, and I’m glad that the benefits part is back on the table, or so I hope.

I mainly see this as a victory. Him sleeping with me made me feel wanted, and I guess looking back all of this awkwardness between us is a result of tension between us, for sure. Sexual tension between us, the pressure that we are getting from the group, and of course on him for not being direct about what it is that he wants with me. Him coming back to sleep with me has been a huge confidence booster for me. I think I just wanted to feel wanted, and now I do.

I was always afraid that somehow I felt this deeper connection with him and for some reason, it just didn’t seem reciprocated by him. I don’t know, I feel like he must feel some sort of connection to me also since he has really put himself out there this year to show that he wanted me in his life.

So what now? I think I have a clearer understanding of the person that he is. He is in the same category as my other friends with benefit. I think that we can have that connection when we are together, and as with my friends with benefit, I have to let them lead the charge. It’s clear now that I’m okay with having a casual fling with him, and if that’s the kind of effort that he’s willing to put in then, we can continue sleeping together. I think I’m okay now to move to that mindset that I’m okay with having just casual sex with him.

And I think the biggest relief for me is that I think he knows that we are on the same page now. And hopefully this means that he doesn’t feel the need to shut down on me. I feel that his need to emotionally shut me down was one that he felt he needed to do in order to make it clear to me that we are only friends.

What I want is to have more and better sex, but I also know that I can get that easily elsewhere. I hope that this experience would actually give me closure in a funny way. I just wanted to know that he found me sexually attractive and attractive in general.

Looking back actually, I probably hyped up our sexual experiences a bit, sex with him is good, but I think it could be better. I actually think that I have more physical chemistry with The Rock Climber.