Reset

Last night I was at a food event and ended up with a free cheesecake.  I decided to bring it to my boyfriend, volleyball coach’s place to share with him.  I felt a sudden optimism about the relationship and excitement to rekindle our connection.

So as we started bringing out plates for the cake, his roommate was there chatting with us and volleyball coach did not offer him any, so I made the offer.  I feel like it’s odd to not offer him a slice given that there was no way we could have finished it.

Right after, his roommate started eating some chips and volleyball coach called him out on it and said that those chips were his.  I felt he was making a big deal out of something that really wasn’t a big deal.  His roommate said that he would pick up a bunch of chips next time but he also immediately stopped eating the chips.  I felt that volleyball coach was totally being petty and it was a turn off.

We lingered around a bit and I felt that it was a cue for me to leave.  He walked me out and again pointed out that I never push the elevator button.  He also wondered why I was dressed so casually for the Yelp event. I wanted to say that I am dressed casually because I’ve been unwell! Tight pants and stomach pains don’t go well together.  I didn’t say anything though and drove home.

I felt let down for sure.  It seemed like a simple interaction that could not have been too negative, but yet I was disappointed.  I thought that he too would feel some kind of positivity that we’ve reconciled.

Oh, and while I was at his place, he reminded me that I would take him out to a fancy dinner when he got a new job.  It’s true, I did say that I would do that, but I don’t feel like I should take him out while I’m still having stomach issues.

I feel lonely and I feel like he doesn’t meet my needs all over again.  It somewhat feels like we never had that talk about doing something different with the relationship.

 

Advertisements

Stepping Forward

I think I can say for certain now that I no longer think about mystery man in a romantic way.  I no longer miss him.  For a really long time after we split, I continued to think about him and our interactions and the connection that we had.

I was very hurt by our breakup and it was a very profound thing for me.  It was one of the worst breakups of my life because of how integrated he got into my life. While I still follow him on social media, but he is just someone from my past now.  And I have to say that I feel so relieved to not have feelings for him anymore.

Almost breaking up with volleyball coach had a lot of meaning to me.  It made me feel like I was on the other side of the fence. A lot of what I felt was just pent up frustrations that I couldn’t talk about.

What I really appreciated about volleyball coach was that he says what bothers him about me.  I feel like I can appreciate this more now because I’ve been in relationships where this communication didn’t exist.  Even at the very end, I was so perplexed about why mystery man didn’t think I was right for him.

I feel like I have a new found appreciation for volleyball coach.  He messaged me today, first thing in the morning and said he wanted to work things out.  I honestly don’t think that there are many guys out there that understand the amount of effort needed in a relationship and is also willing to go the extra mile. I respect that it was a decision and not an action based on desperation.

 

Changing My Mind During the Break-Up Process

Volleyball comes over for dinner after a week of me just loathing him and complaining to all my friends and family about him.  I was convinced that I needed to break-up with him, but found it difficult to pull the trigger.  He bought dinner and just the things coming out of his mouth about me eating an apple that is too old, and seeing the flaky skin on his head made me entirely turned off.  We talked about such mundane things and I didn’t know how to bring up the topic of our relationship and my thoughts on it.

Finally when he brought up the topic of raising dogs, I said that we seem to have very different viewpoints of how to raise dogs.  This was my segway into our relationship conversation.  I said that he treats his dog exactly like a child, and he disagreed but could not think about an example to support his argument.

So we get on the topic of the relationship and I said I feel very pessimistic about our relationship even though at one point, I had a lot of optimism.  I told him about how I thought about it a lot and realized that the turning point was the diet that we went on and how he was very prescriptive about it and it felt like he didn’t have my best interest in mind (see my last post Structured Break Up Thoughts).  I told him I felt resentful about it.  He said he had started to really get this vibe from me recently, which I thought was good that I didn’t take him by surprise.  I talked about the lack of passion.  He said he feels a lot of nothing these days, and it seemed like he wasn’t all that happy with his own life.  He said we had a good run and it wasn’t my fault.  I said that this is really difficult for me, and even though I’ve thought about breaking up with him for awhile now, it suddenly became very difficult for me.

I decided to lighten the mood a bit and brought out my tarot cards.  He asked the cards whether we should try to stay together or not.  It was some good fun.  Our interpretation of the cards was that if we stayed together, it would be a bit of an uphill battle.

I asked him how he felt about it, and he said that he cares enough about the relationship to consider the idea of working it out.  On the other hand, he seems unsure whether his efforts will be fruitful since he acknowledges that we have fundamental differences.  He talked about his own insecurity in being able to provide for me financially, his career and the personal development that he is ensuing.

While he initially seemed okay with the idea of breaking up, I surprised my own self by playing devil’s advocate because I started to really doubt the decision and felt like the decision was being made too quickly.  I told him that I was reluctant to talk about it initially because I wasn’t sure whether me being sick for an extended period of time and being on antibiotics had an impact on my thoughts about the relationship.  I spoke openly about what I wanted in a relationship and what I felt that I wasn’t getting from him.  I said that I had so much hope that we could help each other be better people given our different strengths.  I talked about being let down when he didn’t deliver on his promises.  I got teary and said that I felt like I let him down.  I think he appreciated me being really open about it all.

He started thinking of ways to fix our relationship, but I said to take a step back and think about whether he even wanted to try to fix it.  Eventually he said he did, but I wondered if felt pressure from me now.

He spoke about how this one night we had dinner together, I had a few glasses of wine and spoke openly about how he should try to aim to make my life easier and more convenient.  He didn’t take that too well and he felt at that moment that the relationship wouldn’t last very long.  I think he misinterpreted what I was trying to say, which is that we need to elevate each other to be better people.  The thing is, I recall that moment as well and as I went down that path, it seemed like he was ready to accept that the relationship was over then.  At that time, I was certainly not ready to end the relationship and started to back track.  I remember this clearly.

I was so sure that I wanted to break up with him that I really surprised my own self when I started to play devil’s advocate.  Why was I doing that?  It wasn’t because of his reaction.  It was because I had serious doubts about breaking up.  As the words came out of my mouth about having such a positive outlook on the relationship, I actually recalled that at some point I really did have a positive outlook on the relationship.  I had so much faith that two very different people could make it work.  I thought that this was the relationship that I so very much was looking for in my life.  It hurts me a lot to let go of this, and it suddenly felt that it was too soon and somehow the relationship felt salvageable.

The way volleyball coach just accepted the break-up surprised me.  Of course I know that part of him wants to be with me, but I just thought that he wanted it more.  I’m not sure how I feel about it.  In retrospect, I think I more so wanted to tell him directly what I think about the relationship and the relationship trajectory.  I don’t think I was ready for the break-up.

So we decided to think about it separately and talk about what we want later this week.  I hugged and kissed him goodbye as he left and I think this time it felt like genuine hugs and kisses.  Was it that I just wanted to get shit off my chest about him?  I feel like now I can go either way; working on the relationship or not.  This is actually the least anxious I’ve ever felt in this relationship in quite some time.

Structured Break Up Thoughts

I need to break up with volleyball coach.  I’m not going to let this go on any longer than it already has.  I know it’s going to break him.  During many points in our relationship, I can feel like we both wanted this to work so bad.  We were both in a spot in our lives where we felt ready to settle down with someone seriously.

I think I’m going to stick to the story that I need to focus on me right now and my own health that seems to be deteriorating.  I too really want the relationship to work.  I was really for the right relationship in my life, but after much consideration my health is taking priority.  I’m going to about admit that the downfall of the relationship was the diet.  It’s clear that he isn’t happy with himself physically and while I tried really hard to be supportive of that, I feel like it’s consuming me.  It’s not just the diet but it seems like the physical aspect and expectations has translated from expectations of his own self into a reflection of me.  I feel like I can’t seem to do the right thing when it comes to diet and exercise.  Prior to this, I actually felt quite good about this part of my life.

I don’t feel sexy nor do I feel appreciated physically when I’m with him.  I just can’t see it bouncing back from this kind of low, so early on.  I really think that I’m a more sexual person than him too, and I don’t feel like my needs are met.

Unnecessary Chaos

After an uneventful morning and brunch, volleyball coach leaves my place and I felt just sick to my stomach.  It’s probably from the dairy that I had from the brunch, but as I look around my place with his dog’s fur scattered all over my floor and the strong scent of him lingering on my bed, I feel even more nauseated.  I curl up into a ball and wait for the stomach pains to go away.

I finally get up and start vacuuming when I realized that volleyball coach had not recharged the vacuum battery.  I start going through a cleaning routine and it occurs to me that I need to cleanse him from my own life.

He said a few things at brunch that made me think, this is it.  This is the clear sign that I’ve been looking for.  He talked about how he was going back to his “voodoo” i.e. natural path doctor, who has told him that he’s a bit high strung.  He said he’s always been a bit overly anxious and not able to focus.  Yes, yes he is like that and it makes me feel anxious too.  I think that if I ever had a kid like him, I’d not be proud.  He has skin conditions, he has psychological problems dealing with stress.

I also figured out when the turning point was.  It was the stupid diet that he was on.  I was dedicated to supporting him on his diet, and had agreed to go on this diet with him.  The thing is though, the diet was making me feel very weak and ill.  I wanted to push through, and I was initially stubborn about sticking to the diet but eventually caved and took a more balanced approach.  Despite seeing me feel really ill and weak, he seemed to cast this aside because the diet was working for him.  He told me that I needed to tweak this and that part of the diet to make it work for me.  I really don’t have that much weight to lose, and he kept pushing me to be more aggressive with the weight loss.

My friends, my cousin all told me to take it easy.  It’s this ability to put my well being first is what was the hugest turn off.  Shortly after we went on vacation together and while he was caring of me, it wasn’t as fun of a trip because I was sick and on top of that I realized how unorganized of a person he was.  Coming back from the vacation, I was still convinced we could work things out, but what really sealed the deal for me was when I finally went to the doctor and they diagnosed an imbalance in my gut flora and I had to take antibiotics.  Of course I blamed this on him internally, even if I didn’t say it.

After that, everything he did made me realize or notice that he brings a sense of chaos to my life that pissed me off.  The bed issue, the perpetually shedding dog issue, his flaky skin issue all culminated into me being constantly annoyed by him.  I started to really analyze his actions and concluded that he really did not make my life easier.  He tried, he did and last weekend we threw an amazing dinner party for my friends, but it just wasn’t enough.

He still is on this diet, which I still try to be supportive of, but now I try to put my own health first.  That said, I cringe every time he talks about this diet, and practically obsesses about it.  There is not a single time since he has started this diet that I did not hear about it.  And because I blame him for unnecessarily pushing me too hard on this diet, and ultimately resulting in my stomach issues, I feel that he hasn’t shown a single bit of remorse.  When friends ask how the diet is going, I tell them what happened to me and said it hasn’t worked for me, but he’s really quick to chime in to rebut and say that it’s a miracle diet that is working for him.

Honestly, any diet that reduces the amount of calories that he was consuming previously would have been an improvement for him.  He is constantly dealing with weight issues and I cannot be a part of that.  I can be supportive, but I feel like for him, it is a constant battle.

And maybe I don’t necessarily need him to feel remorseful, it was me that volunteered to also participate in the diet with him.  It was that his reaction of me being sick was so non-nonchalant compared to my mom, my cousin, and even my friends.  My friend Raspberry showed shock to hear that I was sick, and said he hoped I felt better soon and to take things easy and listen to my body.  Volleyball coach was just shocked that this diet could cause such an issue, and when I found it difficult to take the antibiotics which made me even more nauseous, he would be passive aggressive about how I’m being irresponsible.  I felt like maybe he could be more understanding and maybe say, encourage me to talk to my doctor about it possibly.

Honestly, I think I decided that he wasn’t good for me and then everything about him that bugged me just rose to the surface.  I’m not sure it was possible for him to come back from that, but it certainly didn’t help that we were not able to discuss issues that bothered me about him such as his messy and inadequate bed.

Passionless

So volleyball coach came over tonight and despite me telling myself that I’m going to try to enjoy his presence as much as I can and appreciate him for who he is, the moment he walked through the door I can already sense a feeling of coldness.  I’m dressed in short shorts and a form revealing top, he doesn’t seem to notice that I looked super hot and asks me whether I realize it’s freezing outside.  His dog walks in and already I start to feel like him and his dog are invading my space.  He puts his stuff down and raids my fridge while I snack on a slice of apple he passive aggressively mentions how I always leave food out.

We go out to eat, and again he doesn’t have plans so I pick a place and I also pay.  I offer to pay because I feel bad that I’m thinking about breaking up with him.  I play the scenario through my head a few times.

We get back and he puts on a basketball game (I totally love being a couch potato, and this is so my thing).  He tries to kiss me a few times throughout the night but I realize that his lips are chapped and his breath stinks.  I cringe.  I give him an opening by asking him for a bum massage.  He doesn’t get the sexual message and reluctantly gives me a shitty half ass massage over my sweat pants while we’re both yelling at his dog to back away from my laptop.  He ends up lying in top of me, which isn’t so bad but then immediately asks me to reciprocate the massage.  I’m appalled. He calls me mean.

I say he doesn’t get it.  He asks me what I want from the bum massage and I explicitly say that it’s a request for a sexual bum massage that shouldn’t stop after a few minutes.  It’s a clear implication that that was his in for some sexual activity.  He explicitly says, “Oh, no I’m not into it right now,”.

I don’t feel unloved, well, I do but I don’t think I care enough because I’m not so physically attracted to him.  Mainly, I’m not into the thought of doing all the work in this relationship because I feel like he’s clueless.  Never does he show desire to please me in that way.

The other day I stupidly left my wallet at his place.  I took the transit to his place, and the plan was to have him drive me back after his volleyball game.  I ended up taking the transit home because I got the sense that it was too much work to have him drive me back home.  Okay so it’s a bit out of the way but I don’t know, I just don’t get a sense that there is passion and it’s just too practical.

The day before that, he invited me to his place to have dinner with him and pick up groceries for him.  I don’t mind doing these things, but our relationship is turning into one of convenience rather than passion.  And if we were in this for two years than maybe but we’ve been together for less than a year!

Gem of the Discard Pile

I took a look back at some of my previous blog posts about volleyball coach because I am perplexed by how my view on him has changed so dramatically.  At one point, I was convinced that he was the one and that even though it felt like a different kind of love, this is what real stable love was like.  While I’m not sure where the turning point was, one thing I noticed as I kept going backwards was the god awful dates that I was going on.

Online dating was a serious shit show.  These guys that I was meeting were total abominations and were likely basement dwelling virgins who were almost entirely sheltered by the real world.  I had similar comments for many of them, including that they were fat, bald, short, unkept and overall just clueless.  I was going on dates with a bunch of guys from the discard pile basically.

Then volleyball coach comes along and he surpassed them all.  He had an active lifestyle, yet he enjoyed staying in.  He lived on his own, he knows the responsibilities of caring for a dog.  He was proactive and he showed his willingness to do things with me, for me.  He had experience dating others, but yet he is someone that is loyal. Looking back, I can absolutely see why he stood out from the rest, but is this really enough?

Flash forward to now, I think volleyball coach is not great looking physically despite him losing a lot of weight, he’s a dirty slob, and generally clueless about things that I feel a man should be good at such as directions, handyman tasks, driving, etc.  So I wonder if I thought he was a gem because I was comparing him to others in this garbage dating pool?

Volleyball coach and I used to work together in the same company for maybe three months.  We never met, but if we had met, I am certain that sparks wouldn’t be flying or even that we would be good friends.  What I am saying is that if I had met him in real life and compared him to normal people in the social world, I’m not sure whether we would connect.  It feels to me like online dating has brought us together in a very unnatural way, because we would have never crossed paths otherwise.

Anyway, I was just curious to see as to why my thoughts and feelings about him have suddenly changed so drastically from the time that I met him.  Some of this analysis seems harsh, but it’s really for me to understand how things transpired.  Basically, he seemed out of this world when I was comparing him to others in the dating pool, but now that he’s integrated into my life and I compare him to my friends, my social group, he seems like a bit of an outcast actually.

There are pros and cons of meeting a total stranger and being with them romantically.  There are less inhibitions, and less of an awkward transition phase from friendship to something more than that.  I like to think that there is less of a barrier to talk about sexuality, and more openness to show who you are in a romantic relationship.  But on the flip side, getting into a relationship with a friend is scandalous, it has a feeling of taboo and secrecy that can be fun in the beginning.  Being friends first also means there are less risks, if you like them, you like them.  There are no surprises.

I’m going on this tangent because in the back of my mind, this crush that I have on drummer guy, who has been a friend for a long time.  We lost touch, but each time we reconnected, seems like we just pick up from where we were.  But then, maybe there’s a reason why drummer guy and I have not developed further than that.  Maybe he isn’t interested in that way, or he is but not enough to justify being proactive about it.  I feel like there is a horrible timing problem with drummer guy and I for decades.  What I feel for him is not a dying lust either, and to me that’s a good thing.

If it was as easy as trading it all in for a chance to see how things pan out with drummer guy, I think I would.  Though in reality, I feel like it is my fate to see it through with volleyball coach.