A moment of clarity with The Motivator

Sometimes I really do have a moment of clarity with my situation with The Motivator.  I think he has more recently shown, on multiple occasions that he wants to take a step back.  Specifically, he doesn’t really want to come over as often, and he doesn’t seem to share an interest in having sex with me at this time.  I think the best thing to do is just to respect this and not try to convince him otherwise.  Convincing him otherwise leads only to me feeling shitty because I feel rejected, and I hate the feeling that I forced this man to do stuff with me and it makes me feel unwanted.  On his side, me convincing him to do something he isn’t sure he wants to do isn’t that nice either.  So for now, I’ve decided that I’ll stop proactively inviting him over.  I will focus on our friendship, and our friendship connection.

I think I was a bit obsessed with having sex with him.  He’s great at it, and I just wanted to have sex with him.  Sex makes me feel great, it makes me feel fulfilled and it makes me feel happy.  Just as I was starting to accept having casual sex with him as something that didn’t leave me with pangs of insecurity, he took that away from me.  But it’s okay, I don’t need to have sex with him, plus I don’t want to have sex with him if he doesn’t want that from me, or if it makes him feel guilty.

I think it was difficult for me to feel rejected, and I’m someone that wants to feel wanted.  I like it when someone chases for me, and that drives me.  And now that he isn’t chasing me, it shouldn’t be something that I strive for (to make him chase me).  Especially, because the more I think about his situation and try to make sense of it, the more I realize that it has to do with him.  I have a lot of insecurities thinking that I’m just not enough for him, but I need to stop thinking that because it doesn’t do me any good.

I honestly don’t think I’m too far off with my prediction in why he doesn’t want to proceed.  I think it’s difficult for guys to figure out why they feel a certain way i.e. they don’t feel excitement about proceeding with the relationship but they don’t know why.  My friend asked me if there was a situation that perhaps triggered his actions.  Immediately, I thought about his female best friend’s situation.  He’s hung up over someone else is my honest best guess.  There are a number of reasons that support this idea, and if it’s true that that totally sucks for him.  It sucks that he is hung up over his best friend, who just recently delivered a baby with her current/ex-boyfriend.  It sucks that he wishes that he could live with his best friend, but he can’t.  I can also sense the way he feels when he gets a piece of mail with her name on it.  I guess I can understand, because I’ve felt this way about someone in my life before, Mystery Man.

On the other hand, I also don’t think he realizes what he is forgoing with me by being hung up.  I know that I’m important to him, but I’m just always around.  It’s like I’m available to him, I can be that back-up, I can be the emergency friend/significant other figure in the meantime if he needed it.  For me, that’s not fair.  And if I continue to let him think that I will be there for him, he himself will also not realize what he is forgoing with me also.

On my side, I should just distance myself from this.  Do I really want to see him either pine for this best friend situation of his?  Do I want to see him fool around with others to see if he has more feelings for some other girl who is not me and not his best friend?  Do I want to witness him “find his way”?  No.  This is why I feel extremely uneasy about making common friends with him.  I do not want to invest in this more than I already have.  I don’t want any part of this.

All I want is to continue progressing in my rock climbing game.  I want to get better at it.  I do not necessarily need or want to go take this sport outside, so I don’t need to form into a group to do this.  I like having him as a rock climbing partner and to an extent, a friend to have dinner with and vent some life frustrations with.  That is it.

Last night, I also noted that I no longer feel heartbroken over The Motivator.  At one point, I’d wake up and have that sinking feeling that I usually get when I’m heartbroken and let down about something.  I was really proud of myself for that, and for also noticing that it has been a very long time since I felt this way about him.  I’ve already accepted that we would never be together.  The only other thing I need to do is just to stop being disappointed when I see him and he seemingly continues to drift away.  Let him drift away, but I don’t have to be the one drifting with him.  He lives his own life, he follows his own path, and it has nothing to do with me.  I need not be disappointed in the path that he chooses for himself.  I know that he could have had it all with me.

I guess also important to note that some of this clarity stems from me being on my period, not having a high sex drive really  helps.  I think sometimes I’m blind-sighted by my hormones and during some peak times in my cycle, I feel extremely unjust that nobody is having sex with me.

What makes me happy

Okay, finally getting to my homework of what makes me happy.  I truly believe that this will help me figure out my situation.

  • Listing the obvious first is my family’s health, my family’s stable condition.  Then secondly, my own financial stability and this ties into my own business.  Luckily for me these things have generally been stable in my life and hasn’t posed too big of a challenge for me in my adult life thus far.
  • As for friends, I’ve been very grateful this year to make a new female friend who I think is really cool and we share very similar views.  I’m grateful to to have my cousins who are always there for me.  My ex-rock climbing partner has also come back in my life and she and I have really connected recently.  I stay in touch with my friend and ex-colleague who lives in China and he’s great also.  I’m closer with my best female friend, the one that I’ve known since elementary school, and we also keep a circle of friends together.  I also keep in touch with a high school friend of mine, The Drummer and he has been so good to me also.  I have some friends that have moved away and grown apart from, but my circle of friends have been good and consistent.  I’m also lucky to be able to easily connect with new friends using Instagram, and travelling and meeting these people have been so much fun.
  • I love fun projects, and my recent passion project is a side e-commerce store that I am having so much fun learning how to build.
  • I booked a vacation in the spring of 2020, and I’m oh so looking forward to this.  I’m supposedly learning how to dance for this music festival that I will be going to with my cousin as well.  We are planning coordinating outfits and that’s so much fun also.
  • I mention my business for financial purposes, but my business is also very fulfilling.  I create real jobs for real people and I make a difference.  I’m a very protective leader, and I am really proud of my team and the business that I’ve built.
  • For some reason, spending time with The Photographer has made me very happy recently.  I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but we still have a fun and flirty vibe going on.  He makes me feel really sexy actually.  It’s a shame he’s going away to another country, but hanging out with him recently has made me feel very confident.
  • The Motivator aside, the sport of rock climbing is something that I’ve really developed a passion for, and this makes me happy.  I would happily go to the rock climbing gym and just climb sometimes even on my own.
  • I love food, and a good meal that I had recently was when I was in Montreal, the food was fabulous, with a bit of wine and my city tour guide, I was very happy.
  • Actually, being in Montreal for some reason this year has been my happy place.  Although the trips do take some time to plan… things have turned out really well this year.  A bachelorette party, staying with my old rock climbing buddy, dating a guy in Montreal, everything has been fantastic!
  • Going on adventures with my dogs and spending time with them has really brought me a lot of joy.
  • Thinking back to when I was most happiest in a long-term relationship, I was with someone that at the time was very involved with my life, someone who stayed in touch constantly, and who included me in their life.
  • Thinking back to when I was most happiest being single, I was seeing more than one guy who as a whole gave me a lot of attention, filled up my calendar with activities.  This may sound kind of crazy, but making sure that I have a lot of good sex makes me happy also.
  • I’m most happiest when I’m not infatuated with someone who does not return the same feelings.  Sometimes when I’m single, and I just simply don’t have a crush on anyone, I almost feel like I’m at peace with myself.

The Motivator and I continue to be unnecessarily complicated

I’m actually really upset about the change in dynamics with The Motivator and I… already with the fact that he is now actively showing signs that he doesn’t want to continue our friends with benefits situation.

I think I’ve given him really mixed messages about what I want with the relationship.  I verbally told him that we should stop sleeping with each other, and at first I thought his reaction was really a show that he had feelings for me and that he still wanted the connection of staying over at my place.

Now, perhaps the message sunk in with him, even though I said that I was fine with the FWB situation.  He is actively taking a stance against staying over at my place.  I can tell there’s some sort of emotional factor preventing him from inviting me to stay at his place.

There’s just a lot of signs that we need some space from each other… yet he continues to want to climb with me.  He even has suggested a higher frequency of climbing more recently.  For me, I feel like our relationship is unnecessarily complex now.  If I had to guess, I think there are a lot of things that he wants to say to me that he doesn’t feel like he can say without hurting my feelings.  And I think he would be right about it.  If I had to guess, I think he would tell me that there is nothing between us and to ask me to stop acting like there is.  I think he cares about me, and about our friendship too much to say this to me.

I think that he hopes that given enough space from him, that I’d just naturally move on, date other people and I think he could and would easily be happy for me if I did this.  I think it’s almost like he’s waiting for me to do this.  And I think he sees this as being the natural exit of our sexual relationship.

I guess accepting the fact that my relationship with The Motivator will never be more than a FWB situation, yeah, it also makes sense for me that this would be good for me too.  And so maybe we both are on the same page with that, despite it being difficult to let go… and probably difficult not only for me, but also for him (but more so for me).

I have been dating others though!  I dated The Professional Writer, and I’m currently dating The Tall Raver… both of whom I see close to zero potential in.  I continue to see The Tall Raver, but in the back of my head, I just don’t feel that he has the capacity to be in a relationship at the moment anyway.  I’m on Hinge and Tinder and it definitely feels like slim pickings.

I ask myself if I have the capacity to even like someone in a very romantic way right now.  And I’m not sure.  I definitely don’t feel as strongly toward The Motivator now as I did before.  But I also know that in order for me to really open up to someone new, to really be receptive to someone new, I need to have more of a clean slate.

Things are unnecessarily complicated because we are rock climbing partners.  If I just stopped hanging out with The Motivator, I think I would be really depressed.  I’d probably rock climb less, be less motivated to climb, my fitness would go downhill… see, there is a big upside to having him in my life, which is why things are complicated.  I’m not about to just “clean the slate”.

My therapist has asked me to put together a list of what makes me happy, and I think that’s homework that I will need to do.  The issue with finding someone new and finding happiness through that is not going to work.  I think I have to have intrinsic happiness and understand what I am looking for.

 

Making a circle of friends with The Motivator is not my prerogative.

I just don’t feel good about the new situation that I am in with The Motivator.  So recently, we made some friends at the climbing gym.  They are a couple who also seem to be interested in us, as either a couple or couple-like friends that they are trying to recruit to come outdoor climbing.  Seems like The Motivator was interested in hanging out with them, in which case I said you know, if we are going to hang out with them, it’s kind of like we’re double dating them.  He didn’t like this idea and immediately backed out.  I knew it was kind of heading in this direction anyway because as we saw them at the gym on Friday, they asked us to go out for dinner and drinks.

So we go out for dinner and drinks, but even before that this couple really started digging in deep about what we are to each other (The Motivator and I) and they quickly uncovered that we’re in a “it’s complicated” situation.  I think they liked that about us…

So we go out for dinner and a lot of drinks, and the drinks just kept coming.  The Motivator said he would drive, and I was not in a state where I could drive.  I know I was secretly pushing the agenda of just staying over at his place, which I’ve never done before.  In the entirety of our relationship, he has only stayed over at my place.  He has never invited me to stay over at his, ever.  At the end of the night, which was around 4am, he very well knowingly offered to drive a bunch of the people in the group to his place with my car.  He asked me if I could drive, I said no, which was an honest answer.  I asked if I could stay over and then go home later.  He said sure.

He parked the car on the road because there were no visitor parking spaces, which means it had to be moved by 8am.  We all go upstairs.  I took my extra shirt and as we got settled into his place, I just assumed these people would just hang for a bit and then leave.  I go and shower.  The Motivator doesn’t even offer me a towel, and yes I’m offended by this because when he’s at my place, I do go out of my way to make him feel comfortable.  Strike one.

Seems like these other party goers who we don’t know so well have decided to get high with The Motivator.  I ask to join, but The Motivator said no and that I needed to be able to drive home… excuse me?  I thought the plan was that I was going to stay over!  I felt like he was trying to get me to sober up and leave asap.  Strike two.

I sit on his lawn chair, which is the only furniture that he has in his living room.  The rest of the crew slowly just start sleeping on the ground.  He eventually calls it a night and he goes into his bedroom.  He doesn’t ask me to join him in his bedroom.  I’m literally sleeping on an uncomfortable lawn chair!  Even in my drunken state, I am pissed off that he wouldn’t even invite me to join him in his bedroom.  I thought by me staying over, that I’d be sleeping in a bed.

I am now extremely uncomfortable trying to sleep on a lawn chair in his living room, and also pretty damn cold.  I thought about going home at this point, but I didn’t know where my car keys were.  I was actually really upset that he left me out there.  The thought that went through my mind was that if I joined him in his bed, that he didn’t actually really want me there.  Doesn’t matter.  I couldn’t sleep on a lawn chair.  I get my ass up, with the blanket and go into his room.  I announce that I’m cold and snuggle up against him and immediately took off my pants.  He seemed aware of who I was and what was happening and he just accepts it.

I snuggled next to him, find it difficult to fall asleep because of my position in bed.  My face was a bit too close to him, blocking my breathing a bit, but I was just lying there thinking that I should appreciate this moment that I get to be in his bed beside him.  I liked the way he smells and the warmth that he gave off because the whole apartment was quite cold.  I assessed the situation in this state of mind.  I’m fully aware that he will never be my boyfriend, that he sees the flaws that I have in myself and is the kind of person that cannot live with them.  I know oh so well that he is able to pinpoint my weaknesses as a person, and that he is even more so critical of myself than I am.  I didn’t mind not being able to fall asleep because, I knew that this was a fleeting moment that I’m having with him.  I think about how it might be better to be awake than to fall asleep where I might snore and disturb his sleep.  I think about whether he enjoyed having me in his arms.

I’m fully in love with The Motivator, illogically so.  I know this.  I know this in my drunken state also.  I also was just starting to see the flaws in him that I myself cannot live with, how he was starting to remind me of The Volleyball Coach, yet when I’m in his arms, this didn’t matter anymore.

I got up once to pee and another time to pee and also turn off the alarm that someone had that was going off constantly.  It didn’t seem like these house crashers were leaving any time soon.  At 8am, The Motivator gets up and he tells me that he will need to move my car.  I was actually concerned about my dogs and I told him that I’ll just get going and that he could just go back to sleep.  He seemed to genuinely care, and got up to see me to the door, even got me a bag to put my dirty clothes.  In the back of my mind, I had hoped to have some morning sex with him, but didn’t seem like that was happening with the other people still crashing on the floor in his living room, the car situation and the dog situation.  I’m glad I made the exit at this time.

I go home to do my thing, and I texted him to see how his morning went and whether the other people had left yet.  He said they all woke up and went to brunch together.  I think part of me felt that he had a bit of a connection to the girl in the group, who was quasi-seeing another guy who also crashed in the living room.  She seemed like a free spirit and I felt a little, just a tad bit jealous of her connection with him.  I think he really liked her for her free will and openness about her beliefs and values.  Maybe that’s what he likes in a girl, someone who has a strong sense of beliefs, values, ethics… very unlike me actually.

The whole night bothered me as I think about it in the aftermath.  I don’t like hanging out with a group of friends with The Motivator when we’re not exactly together.  Aside from climbing and having a meal together, The Motivator has made it really clear that he doesn’t want much else from this relationship with me.  Hanging out with a group of friends with him is an investment in time and investment in relationships that I’m not willing to make if my time with The Motivator or my role in The Motivator’s life is limited.  This is too much for me, and more investment in my time and energy to make connections that I don’t foreseeing going anywhere.

If The Motivator was my boyfriend, or hell, even if I see him as a good friend, I’d be fine with making friends with him.  I don’t actually see him as either.  He is someone new in my life, and me investing my time into people who may not be in my life for too long is something that I just don’t have time for at my age.  This group of friends has also invited us to go to Las Vegas in February next year.  Will I even be on talking terms with The Motivator in February?  Who knows?

I was okay with accepting that we had a friends with benefits relationship, and keeping this to a confined compartmentalized space in my life.  Go rock climbing, go eat, and possibly get high and have sex with The Motivator.  It was a good time, but I’m just not looking for more investment than that if The Motivator isn’t willing to be more commited about our connection.

I went on a date with The Tall Raver.  He finally had some time to squeeze me into his hectic life.  We went to a cafe where had had to work for a bit.  The conversation was good, but I think we’re both on the same page that while we think we are compatible, we’re just not sure where things will go.  For me, I think he’s too full of himself, which is a turn off.  And because of that I lack that feeling of romance with him.  On his side, I can tell he doesn’t know what he wants at this point in time in his life.  Even still, I feel like I need him though, to keep me grounded with what is going on in my life with The Motivator.

I feel really upset about The Motivator rejecting me, and while I was good with the friends with benefits situation as a standalone relationship, I’m just not good with dealing with the dynamics of this outside of these parameters.

In general, I just feel like there’s something wrong with me to make him not want me fully.  I know that’s not the case, but it’s like this tunnel vision that I have.  I go home and I look at my dating apps when I feel like this and see if I can fish for someone else who can give me something more fulfilling, but I realize that’s not the answer either.

I wanted it to be simple.  I wanted our interactions to be limited, and then still give me the confidence and freedom to go elsewhere in my search for a long-term partner… but the more I look at it, the more I realize that something has to change.  Either my entire mindset has to change, where I really have to give less of a fuck about this whole situation, or I need to actually distance myself from him, spend less time with him.

In the meantime, I’m going to avoid this situation again by saying no to hanging out with these couples and people.  I’m hoping that our climbing days just don’t line up, that our schedules don’t line up.

Coming ’round full circle again, and pissed at The Motivator

I have a friend that now lives in Asia and comes back every few months to visit.  He asked me to get together sometime this week.  The last time he was back, my life has come full circle.  Funny thing.

The last time he was back, I had just come back from a trip out of town.  I had some idea that The Motivator had a crush on me, but I didn’t think much of it.  I had just enjoyed a whirlwind of activities and new sexual relationships from out of town.  I was away for about two weeks and it was a blast.  I came back with a clean slate and I didn’t know where it was going to take me.  I was lost, of course, and I told him how I was just going to focus on work.  As my friend and I were getting a drink, I received a phone call from a female friend of mine who was in a relationship at that time and turns out, I know who her boyfriend was.

This time my friend’s back, again, I had just come back from a trip out of town.  This trip was a bit shorter, but it was just as action-packed I guess.  I guess this time around, I also have a clean slate, but so much has happened since.  I’m going to be honest and say that The Motivator has truly fucked up my life in the past few months since I saw this friend.  When I say fucked up, I mean equally in a good and bad way.  There was so much good, and then so much bad that came out of what he put me through.  His coming on so strongly, and then almost immediately him backing away, distancing himself more and more.  He’s taught me so much about so many things, but he has also hurt me very deeply.  But here I am, back to square one.

I will tell my friend once again, I am back from a trip out of town to clear my mind, and I am still single having recently gone through a whole roller-coaster of  something that I can’t even call a relationship.

I am angry yet again.  Since it feels like he has taken both the friends and the benefits part out of our relationship.  When shit goes down, I don’t really feel like I can confide in him.  I mean, I tell him stuff about my life when I see him, but I don’t feel like I can turn to him.  Nor, does it feel like he tells me when things happen in his life.  So really, there’s no friendship.  And there’s no benefits, because well, it seems like he has taken that off the table as of late.  Nowadays, talking to him almost feels like I’m talking to a wall.  And when I see him interacting with others, I feel like wow, he’s actually a human being to others.  When it comes to me, it’s reactionary.  If I’m cheerful and talking, he’s a stone.  If I’m upset, he will react to it, but it feels like it’s a reaction.  It’s like he’s on coasting mode with me.

I’ve talk to my therapist about him a number of times.  And, she asks me how I feel when I’m with him.  I say that I feel great, I feel present and I feel happy when I am with him.  Now, I don’t know.  I feel like I think I’m happy because I feel like I’ve conditioned myself to feel happy when I’m with him, but when I think about it, the interaction is incredibly shallow.  Incredibly shallow.  It’s shallow because he’s so caught up in creating this distance between us.

I really don’t care why he is doing this and at this point, I am again questioning whether I want to continue to see him.  If he wasn’t my climbing partner, it would be done.  I’m fine without him, I really am, it just kind of difficult when I see him actually.

Anyway, I have a third date tomorrow with The Tall Raver.  And right now, for some reason I am so horny.  I wish I could just call up someone and just casually fuck them.  Absolutely it has to do with The Motivator.  I’m pissed that I even saved him a spot on my roster, and he’s just not someone I can call up to fulfill that need.  At this point, I don’t even feel like I can ask him to just come chill with me, what kind of fucking friend is that?

I really hope that The Tall Raver is up for some casual sex, while I figure out my situation.  I think I do need someone that can give me that, someone that can be my fuck buddy really, let’s not call it friends with benefits because I don’t even know him.

I’m just pissed.

The Motivator is dead to me, and I’m officially back on the market

Argghhh I’m going to be honest and say that I continue to be frustrated with The Motivator… or maybe I’m just frustrated with the lack of sex in my life.

He went partying with his friends where basically it sounds like he’s a third wheel.  And yeah, he could’ve invited me out, and I would’ve gone out, but he didn’t.  I mean, I expect that now from him.  We go rock climbing and I again wonder if he will come over.  I put the invite on the table, and last minute he declines and says that he would prefer to sleep in his own bed.  I knew he was recovering from a hard night of partying but I think it’s been three weeks now since he’s come over.

While I don’t really miss him these days, I do still think about him… but not like before.  Nowadays, if he decides that he doesn’t want to climb with me anymore and that we should take a break, I’d be shocked to hear it, but I can accept that.  Before, I really put onus on him to be there for me and be that person in my life that I look forward to seeing.  And don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely look forward to seeing him, but it’s just not the same.

So, today he decides last minute that he’ll not come over.  I try to be cool about it and say that I understand that he wants to sleep in his own bed because he has to recover.  He asks if we want to go get food together.  I say I’m indifferent because I don’t necessarily feel hungry and if he wants to just go home then that’s fine too.  Nowadays, he always wants to go out to eat.  We go get burgers, and we bring it back to his place.  Apparently he likes going back to his place these days… it’s the new normal.  And I wonder if he wants to just go back to his place instead of mine, same routine, but it really isn’t.

We sit down, eat, listen to music and actually the basketball game was on this evening (our second favourite activity to do together), and we put that on.  We chatter about mundane things, though he looks pretty beat.  His eyes are closing at this point, and I say alright, I’m going to leave.  He stands up and now he’s continuing to watch the last few minutes of the game and we continue to do that.  I ask him if he wants a massage, I wonder if he wants to see more affection from me.  He declines my massage, which is also normal.

I hug him from behind and put him into a hold, which is something that we enjoy doing together.  I put him in a “hold” and he tries to escape.  He always escapes, but it’s fun and flirty anyway.  Do I think he’s attracted to me physically? Yes, absolutely.  There’s just something else that’s not there for him with me, and that sorely disappoints me.  There’s a fine balance between me putting myself out there for him and responding positively towards him, and me putting myself out there too much for him to the point where I feel like my ego cannot take it.

Thinking back, I think maybe it’s something I said to him recently.  He asked me why we started to have sex again because I said that I felt it degrades our friendship.  I said that I’ve accepted it, even though I feel like it does degrade our friendship.  So, I guess he could have interpreted that in a way to say that he wants to have a genuine friendship with me.  Maybe it’s me and my stupid mouth.  I should have just said that we’re having sex again because our relationship actually feels more fulfilling with sex in it.  Wonder if he takes things I say too literally sometimes, although he’s the kind of guy that seems to be able to read between the lines.

Anyway, basically this relationship is like beating a dead horse or whatever the saying is.  It’s dead and I need to move on.  Of course, a part of me hopes that one of these days he accepts my offer to come over etc. and we can pick-up our friends with benefits situation. What I feel like I need now though is someone that can pick up the slack!  Never have I ever felt more inclined to find something casual to be in.

I’m working on The Tall Raver, but gosh he’s so busy and now that I think about it, I totally asked him to go on a second date with me.  I told him I’d be in the area if he’s around.  And now, I’m letting him know that I’m free for a third if he’s around.  I was in another town for a week, and then I was sick for a week, and he has not once asked to get together again.  I was thinking about him for a bit too.  Not the kind of guy that I think I want to date because he seems a bit too full of himself and it’s somewhat annoying, and I also think that he’s overly judgmental of me, but yeah, I’d see him casually.

I reactivated my Tinder Gold and started liking guys on Hinge.  This is the way things are going right now.

 

 

 

All about my trip out of town

So here is a summary of how my short trip went down.  Overall, the trip was so so positive and I am so happy with it.  It was exactly the confidence boost that I needed.

The Motivator didn’t want to come over, and so it was a welcomed opportunity to leave the city even earlier than planned.  I had so much anxiety about The Motivator not wanting to come over recently that I woke up in the morning and scheduled a call with my therapist.  She texted me back and said she could do earlier, which I gladly accepted.

The drive was nice, but my original plan was to jam out to music as I drove.  Instead, I was so fixated on The Motivator that I felt that I had to think things through.  My girlfriend texted me, so we ended up on a phone call together, which took my mind off of things.  I pulled over at a pit stop to talk to my therapist.

I had just sent her a text not more than 5 days ago to tell her thank you and that I felt really content now… how quickly the situation has changed.  I did tell her that I’ve been feeling so happy, that I finally accepted that The Motivator was nothing but a friends with benefit in my life, that I started dating someone new to try it out etc.  But that The Motivator not wanting to come over any more has really screwed up this balance.  I felt rejected, and I didn’t expect it, yet again.

I went around in circles just saying the same things again like how I didn’t expect The Motivator to behave like this and that I thought we had agreed to being friends with benefits and now he’s just rejecting me.  She told me that some time away would be good, and to allot some time to sorting through the issue, but not to be fixated on it.  She said to think about what makes me happy and to do more of that.  She also said to focus on the progress made, and make a list of what makes me happy.

Okay, so fast forward to getting to the destination.  I checked-in and immediately seeing the AirBNB that I rented, I felt a bit depressed.  The place was smaller than my place and in the back of my head I was thinking damn, I’ve travelled all this way to stay at a place that is so small.  Luckily, my friend called me out almost immediately upon arrival, we checked out a really cool tavern that served some tasty food.  So this “friend” of mine, is someone that I actually met over Instagram and who I actually have never met in person before.  I wondered if we’d have chemistry.  He’s a nice guy, but nah, I wasn’t into him.  We had another drink at a fancy hotel afterwards and then he came over and got high with me.  I was doozing off and so he left.

The next day, we did some rock climbing, went to another amazing restaurant, and then met up with some of his friends to go clubbing.  This is where I got totally wasted.  I had a lot to drink, we were also high, and we also did molly.  It was a fantastic time.  There were bits and pieces that I don’t remember, but the dancing was good and it felt like the girls on the dance floor was hitting on me and I felt so flattered.  I was big time flirting with one of my friend’s friend.  And he was totally into me also.

The night came to an end, but I was still high as a kite.  This friend of his was also the guy who supplied the drugs, so let’s call him The Druggie.  The Druggie drove the other two guys home, and then drove me home last on purpose.  Apparently I invited him up, although I barely remember that.  Things obviously got hot and heavy, he took my clothes off, I can’t really remember what happened after that.  I honestly could not remember if he went down on me.  I do know that we smoked more weed though.  He came to kiss me, and I swear in my head all I could see was the face of The Motivator.  I knew it wasn’t The Motivator though and I had to shake it off.  At one point, I found him having sex with me, and it was intense sex.  I was just too high for it, and told him to stop.  He did.

I woke up the next morning, entirely naked beside The Druggie, who was also entirely naked.  Our clothes were scattered all over the floor of this small AirBNB.  We chatted for a bit, before he left.  I didn’t cuddle or anything with him.  I didn’t feel bad when he left.  I was just entirely emotionless about the whole thing.  What I did feel was, I felt hot, and I felt wanted and I liked that.

The next day was just a recovery day.  We went out yet again, but it wasn’t as crazy as the previous night.  We danced the night away.  I was high again, but just on weed this time.  I was previously quite skeptical about my dancing skills when I went to the festival with The Motivator, but honestly that second night, I felt on fire.  Nobody could tell me that I can’t dance.  I felt like I was killing it!  I was so confident.

Going back to my place, The Druggie drove again and dropped me off last.  I did not invite him up this time, and he respected that.  He looked tired as hell also.  We exchanged contact and texted a bit since I got back.  Driving back, I felt so great.  I felt that this was the getaway that I absolutely needed.  I needed the confidence boost more than anything.

While I did feel emotionally unavailable toward The Druggie, I think it was just because I didn’t like The Druggie all that much.  I thought about the other guy that I went on two dates with at home… what did I coin him?  Oh yeah, The Tall Raver.  I was kind of excited about the prospect of some sexy time with him.  I need someone at home is what I thought.  Someone that is not The Motivator.

Going home, I was thinking I’d try to get home in time to do our usual Sunday climb with The Motivator.  He originally said sure, and then later said that he was going to RSVP to a dinner with friends and asked if we could do Monday since he’s off.  Great, more time with The Motivator is what I thought.

Monday rolls around, I figure, I should do some grocery shopping so we can do dinner as per usual.  We go climbing and he seems a bit off.  I’m off, because I’m coming down with a cold.  We end the session early, which was actually nice because I was thinking we could go back to my place, cook, eat, get high, snuggle.  That was all I wanted.  He said because he has an opening shift the next day that he should go home.  Honestly, this has never been an issue before.  I get him to piggy back me, which is a signature move of mine if I want to see if a guy likes me – he agreed.  Eh, so he still has a crush on me at least.  We go get fried chicken, bring it back to his place to eat it.  We do the usual bit of show and tell at his place where he shows me a few things he recently purchased, usually fragrances.  I talk to him about my latest and greatest business idea.

I’m about to leave, but not before trying out his ab workout gadget.  The Motivator goes into a full-on training session with me to show me how to use the gadget, how to properly do crunches, full with side by side physical lesson where he touches me and all.  He’s flirting with me, right?  Who knows.  His roommate comes home while I’m in a compromising position, I laugh and it’s almost as if we were caught in a sexual act.  His roommate excuses himself.  I hug The Motivator and I want to sit on his lap for a cuddle, but he helps me up.  I drive myself home.

The Motivator tells me he’s definitely catching a cold, and so yeah it does make sense that he would want to go home.  He had been feeling the onset of a cold for some time now, and even I felt under the weather.  I’ll give that to him though.  Coming over to my place is rough.

It’s been helpful typing this out.  I think with The Motivator, if he felt like he wanted to have sex with me, then he’ll come around.  And if he doesn’t come around, then he doesn’t come around.  I think that is also the nature of a friends with benefit.  And I’m also lucky to have a friends with benefit who cares about me genuinely and cares to listen to what I say and the ideas that I have.

At the same time though, I do have to continue distancing myself from, and being so emotionally dependent on The Motivator.  He cares for me, but he is certainly less sure about me and the role that I play in his life.

What I need in my life I realize, is physical touch.  I think I’m getting the quality time now with people in my life, but physical touch is difficult to find with someone.  And since I’m not getting what I need from The Motivator, it’s time to find it elsewhere.  Good thing though, is that I’m feeling as fit as ever because of the climbing!  I’ve never felt hotter.