A bit of a different type of post here. I saw a video yesterday about multiple personality disorder, formally known as dissociative identity disorder. While I don’t have this I thought it was really interesting. Every person has a personality that really is multi-faceted, but it seems like people with this disorder literally split their brains between different versions of themselves.
The older I get the more I realize that I’ve had quite a traumatic upbringing and it’s not quite “normal”. I thought about identifying these different aspects of myself in order to help me, give me a way to analyze and understand myself a bit better.
If I had to divide the different aspects of myself:
Work Bella – This is my work self. I am disciplined, generally focused on certain priorities and key points, highly motivated. I am motivated by positive re-enforcement and I have a can-do attitude. I’m quick and fast, capable of critical thinking and problem solving. I am personable, but always know what my objective is. I am charismatic. I am good in high-stress situations, but find it to be tiring. I am not great at being scolded or general disapproval.
Work Bella started off as the studious version of myself at a very young age, being positively encouraged and re-enforced as a young child to study hard and receiving positive feedback on a job well done. During the work days, I often am this version of myself, but even outside of work when I need to find motivation or need help solving a problem, this is me.
PLUR Bella (referring to peace, love, unity and respect) – This is the carefree, loving version of myself. I am emotional and loving and caring and want the best for everyone. I am non-judgmental. I believe that every person has their reasons for their actions. I like to connect with people, especially on a deeper level. I want to get to know them, figure out what drives their heart. I want to do everything I can to make the world a better place and to help others be their best selves.
PLUR Bella usually comes out when I am intoxicated, particularly when I am high on marijuana. PLUR Bella comes out during leisure settings, when connecting on a deeper level with others. PLUR Bella developed from a more maternal version of myself, taking care of my younger brother, making sure he has what he needs to succeed. PLUR Bella really surfaced as recently as a few years ago when I met The Motivator and he really gave me a different perspective in life, to disconnect, to be carefree and to truly enjoy bringing small amounts of joy to others.
Maternal Bella – Maternal Bella exists because I’ve been an older sister for most of my life. I remember dreaming about an aunt that I disliked dropping my infant brother – it was a nightmare that is still quite vivid to me today. Even at a very young age, I had the instinct to protect my younger brother no matter what. I am protective, but also strict, and easily roused if my younger brother makes a decision that I don’t approve. I can be highly emotional and easily angered, if someone threatens my brother or someone else that I am protecting.
I like to think that I’ve since matured since PLUR Bella came to be a few years ago, and take more of a step back and allowing things to unfold as well as understanding that there are things that sometimes will just not be controllable. Also, my brother is now a full fledged adult now and my feelings and need to take care of him has lessened considerably.
Teenage Angst Bella – Teenage angst Bella actually originated from my early childhood days, around the age of 6-7 years old. I was starting to explore boundaries and would be silly, tell jokes and try to annoy others. In my teenage years, this included swearing at random people on the phone just to see what their reaction would be, pulling pranks, being mischievous. I am looking for fun, an exciting time, looking to break the rules in a carefully assessed manner.
I am rebellious, go against the norm or my parent’s wishes, takes calculated risks. I can be easily excitable. I suffered some trauma, and I am angry that my parents do not grant me the freedom to go out with my friends. I am bored and so I create my own excitement in other ways.
Introverted Bella – Introverted Bella has always existed, ever since the beginning. I loved to play with my make-up set when I was little, by myself. I would go through each piece of the set quietly and I even remember finding a secret compartment in this make-up set after playing with it many times and was really excited about that.
An older introverted Bella now is someone that enjoys dining alone, journaling, and many other introverted activities. I can get quite exhausted dealing with people and don’t like business interactions or even interactions with friends if they become too tiring.
Perfect Boyfriend Bella – This is a version of a man that is my dream man. This version of me is never in the driving seat, but more so someone in the background that forms the version of the perfect man that I wish I could be with. He is there for me when I am mistreated, he is there for me when I am heartbroken and tells me that everything will be okay and that I deserve to be treated better.
He is there for me in simple situations like when I was younger and I wanted to share a magazine that I really liked. He is always there and happy and willing to do anything that pleases me. He’s also there to help me fulfill my loving boyfriend sexual fantasies.
Child Bella – Child Bella is easily excitable over small and simple things such as something really cute, or an exciting idea. I like to be taken care of, and doted on. I like it when I can depend completely on others to help me navigate, drive.
Child Bella mostly comes out when I am in a relationship where I fully trust the other person to be a responsible adult and not lead me astray, when I feel comfortable enough with someone where I don’t have to check to make sure they are doing everything correctly because I have that level of trust and confidence in them. When I am driving, I tend to ask others for life advice and really take it wholeheartedly because I fully trust them. I am easily excitable and if I am being taken care of and my needs are met, I am elated.
When I split up my different selves up into these various components, I feel like