Content with my 2019 Dating Situation

I left the weekend with The Biker feeling content with the experience, and content with moving on with my life.  I was surprised when he messaged me during the other half of my vacation, and continues to message me every night.  We now have conversations nightly and he has suggested on multiple occasions that I come back.

I was going to Montreal anyways in May for a bachelorette and have decided to extend my stay so that I can just be there for a bit longer for a change of scenery, and also spend some more time with him.  I think we have a good thing, but I wouldn’t go so far to say that we’re compatible.  It’s actually not all that comfortable to be in his man cave of a place for too long.

As I think about it, May is in two months.  It’s not a lot of time, but this year has been different for me already.  Typically by spring, I’d meet someone that I like and it’s the budding of a new relationship that ends by the end of the year.  I’m glad that this year is different, but at the same time it was nice to find someone that I liked more than just a little bit.  My relationship with The Biker is superficial.

The Biker likes to provoke me, a lot.  I realize that is his way of getting my attention.  He plays devil’s advocate, and I find it to be a bit annoying sometimes. I feel like another weekend with him could be fun, and enjoying my single life is fun too.  Funny thing is I connected with another guy from Montreal on Tinder, and I’m planning to meet him during my time in Montreal in May (another reason why I want to stay a bit longer).  I may as well try dating in another city I guess.

I went out on a date with a Tinder man.  I’m not even going to give him a name.  I was so excited to be on this date with him,  he looked really cute in his photo.  In person, he wasn’t as tall as I thought he would be, and I thought he was Caucasian but turns out, he was Indian and that threw me off entirely. I felt that his photos were really deceptive.  Maybe I’m being picky, but I didn’t feel sexual chemistry with him.

2019 is seemingly a very different year from 2018 and 2017.  Clearly those other years did not work for me, so I’m accepting this new found change even though it does not seem like what I pictured to be my ideal situation for my love life.

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Lustful weekend with The Biker

The trip to spend time with the Biker was quite amazing and totally exceeded expectations.  It wasn’t awkward that we hadn’t seen or speak to each other for roughly two years.  I was there to relax, get away from my work and just see Montreal for what it might be like to live there.

He had cleaned up a separate room for me.  It was cramped but comfortable.  Honestly, I came there for a good time and something different than my own day to day life, and I got that.  He’s very unlike me.  He isn’t really a foodie and really just eats to maintain himself.  That was a bit hard because Montreal is such a haven for excellent food.  We had Subway for lunch when I first got there.  I was trying to feel out how I felt about him.  It wasn’t really a strong attraction I have to say, but it was interestingly different.

I fell asleep during most of the first day.  He didn’t wake me.  In evening, he was getting tired and I offered him a massage.  He was surprisingly reluctant even though I can tell that he’s attracted to me.  He took off his shirt for the massage eventually.  He just didn’t enjoy or appreciate the massage.  He offered me a massage and he was really into that.  Took off my bra too.  I really felt that I gave him an in with me and I wanted to see him take it.  His move.  After the massage, he forces me to cuddle with him.  I liked that.  He didn’t take it any further.  But in fairness he said he didn’t want to make the situation awkward given that I will be staying with him.  It was a true and valid point.  If he had made a bold move that I rejected, we’d both be living under the same roof for another few days.

Cuddling got really hot and sweaty, temperature-wise.  I later figured out this is because he has a full polyester blanket beneath us… But I couldn’t stand it.  I got thirsty and had to use the bathroom.  I got up to use the washroom and then decided that I didn’t want to continue the sweaty cuddle session.  I went to the room he designated for me with the futon and slept there.

The next morning, I asked how he slept and he complained that he was lonely.  I took that as a sign that he wanted more, and I said we can continue another time.  He assigned me some errands to run and asked me to make him a fruit salad that we saw Gordon Ramsay made.  I joked that I’ve become his housewife and for the rest of the trip we kind of made it an ongoing joke and started to purposely bicker like a long standing couple.

We went rock climbing and had Indian food for dinner.  He talks a lot about socital ideals.  While I agree with some of what he says, I say that moving to such extreme ideals would be unlikely given the current state of society.  He’s a bit idealistic in his beliefs I think.  Basically, he’s a hippy and I’m not as hippy as he is.

So second night he mis offers me a massage.  I gladly accept.  We cuddle again and he’s just so in love with cuddling! I figure I guess that’s it, that’s as far as he wants to make his move.  Well I semi fall asleep and half way through the night, I get really hot again because he’s just a human furnace.  I flip over to my back and take the blanket off to cool down.  He starts to gently grope me and in my relaxed state, I was just really turned on.  He kept doing it and basically it was a huge tease for me.  I told him I’m turned on and he is kind of like, so what are you going to do about it? It’s like he’s making me make a move.

This ended in me asking him to stop teasing me and to take my underwear off.  He did a really good job at fingering me until I came.  He didn’t ask to reciprocate, and strangely he didn’t care to ask. Seems like he’d be okay if that was it.  I asked to reciprocate for him and gave him a blowjob.  I feel pretty good about my results.  He was really well endowed, I was actually really impressed.  After that happened, we went back to cuddling but the bed was just soaked in sweat.  It felt really gross.  I tried to fall back to sleep in his arms but I couldn’t.  I said I’m getting up and went to take a nice shower.  I pretended to work, but really I went to my room and slept there instead.  I felt it was a bit rude.  When I got up, he was still in bed so I figured I would join him again.

Things got nasty when we started making the beer together.  He hadn’t showered.  He’s a total hippy.  Anyway, I requested that he shower and he complied.  He looked so much better after that shower! But that bed seemed really gross still.  I had a few hours before my flight and I said that I would rest on the futon and that he could join me there if he wanted.  He did not waste any time joining me.  Things escalated quickly, we made out and he encouraged me to be on top.  I guess the pressure of it being awkward for the remainder of the trip had gone and it was his way of going for it.  It was great sex, very intense because he was so well endowed.  He wanted to go all night, but I wasn’t having that.  We didn’t use a condom, I’m not sure why, he didn’t even suggest it.  I asked him how he’d like to finish, he said in my mouth and I complied.  It was really fun, just the kind of weekend that I needed.

He talked a lot about wanting to be a polyamourus person or something like that.  He told me a lot about his dating life.  I don’t like him in a romantic way.  We don’t kiss outside of bed.  Seems like I’m the only person he has recently slept at that was supportive of this decision.  Well, supportive is a strong word, more like indifferent.

After I left, he sent me a long message to say it was such a great time for him.  It really was something fantastic and only something that I would have done, could have done if I was single.

Dating Life Update and Upcoming Vacation

I guess I don’t care to write about my dating life anymore because I kind of don’t care.  So just an update on everything here.

The Food Pods guy, well he’s hired me so we now have a professional relationship.  I’ve been talking to a bunch of guys online half-heartedly.  I went on a date with a Filipino guy who is fit, but I wasn’t impressed by him.  I’ve never used a real name on this blog before but I’m just going to put his name out there.  His name was Pinoy, which described him perfectly.  He was a fresh off the boat Pinoy, and it was rather difficult to relate to him.  He invited me to a pub / pool hall in-one and we couldn’t get a pool table (he didn’t book one ahead of time).  We played table soccer against a couple and we both sucked at it.  Then we finally got a pool table and he beat me easily all three games.  It wasn’t fun for him, and it wasn’t fun for me.  We went home and I wished I had just stayed at home.

The Photographer and I messaged a bit and somehow we ended up going to a play together.  To recap, I dated him about a year ago, right before Mr. International.  He didn’t seem to have an intent to date then, and it was the same now.  The only difference now is that he’s more open about not wanting to date.  We joked about how it’s our one year anniversary.  I invited him back to my place.  I didn’t really want to have sex with him.  He gave me a sexual massage, as I requested and I ended up giving him a hand job.  He’s not really good in bed and I was turned off by how fat he was.  I was definitely intoxicated the first time we had sex.

I booked a vacation!  My first in over a year.  My business is finally in a good enough spot where I feel comfortable to go away and only lightly check in.  I will be going to visit a friend in Montreal.  This friend and I have had a bit of a thing before, and actually, I think I may have even mentioned him before but I can’t recall his nickname so I will just refer to him as The Biker.  The Biker and I met right before I met Mystery Man.  I was intrigued by him, but he didn’t make enough of a move on me.  And then I met Mystery Man and became too entangled into that to entertain anything else.  Funny enough, Mystery Man at one point hired The Biker to work for him and ended up having to let him go.  And after I became single again, I never thought of The Biker in the same way.  I do think that Mystery Man and I are quite alike in how we think and I agree with Mystery Man’s judgement of The Biker and that letting him go was the right choice.

After a series of coincidences, starting with a a peculiarly vivid dream about The Biker, I decided to message him.  We continued message exchanges and he said I can come visit him any time.  On the same day, a group of friends was planning a vacation in a group chat that I don’t really keep up with.  Well, somehow I decided to go on this vacation (since it was already planned and I needed it), and it just so happens that it was cheaper to fly out of Montreal.  So now I’m booked to spend 3 days with the Biker.  I don’t think I am interested in him… apparently I’m not interested in anybody these days.

On that note of not being interested in anybody these days, I’ve decided to stop taking birth control.  I think it would increase my libido and give me a natural urgency to want to date.  I think it will also help me lose weight and gain some muscle mass.  I realize how much of a fat ass I am, and now that I’m truly single, I want to be sexy.

On a somewhat related note.  I’ve come to finally admit to myself that vaginal issue that I had never really had a chance to go away.  Rock Climber had himself checked and he said he was clean, that coupled with the fact that I only slept with Mr. International afterwards means that it’s likely that I was re-infected.  Also doesn’t help that Mr. International admitted to sleeping with his ex-girlfriend, although he said he used protection.  I am starting to think that I got an STD from Mr. International.

I went to the doctors to just ask for another round of the antibiotics.  The doctor wasn’t pleased and wanted to do more tests, but reluctantly prescribed it to me anyway.  I immediately feel better after the treatment and it seemed so crazy that I was dealing with the issues for so long, hoping it would go away and in denial.

Post Break-Up Jab by Mr.International

I really thought I was in a good place with Mr. International when all of a sudden I see that girl who is in my group and who started all the drama that eventually led to Mr. International and I splitting up post a photo of her online and tagged the photo credits to be from Mr. International!  We had a deal, Mr. International was not to speak to my friends.  I thought that it was an agreement that he could honour.  It wasn’t a big deal to not talk to my friends, so why go and break it?  If I had felt any remorse about giving him the silent treatment before, I don’t anymore.

I was holding on to a scanner that I was debating about giving to him since it was rightfully his, but not anymore.  That scanner is instantly mine.  I was debating whether I should call him out to rock climb with me eventually when the dust settles, but nope, not anymore.  I thought he was done hurting me, but when I saw that he was still in contact with that girl, it was another jab at me, and for the world to see too.

That’s basically all I had to say in this post.  I think that was the only thing that I wanted to get off my chest.  Besides that, all else going well.  My business is starting to pick-up, been making some decisions to minimize stress in my life and that’s been going well.  and as my business income is stabilizing more and more, I feel like I can start thinking about actually having a serious relationship.

For the first time in my life, I have this goal of co-habitating with a partner.  Even though I like being in a relationship and would want to move in with some of my past partners, I don’t think that was ever a possibility.  Well, mainly because I’ve never been with someone in a serious enough relationship to consider cohabitation.  And there’s a part of me that loves living by myself, and then the other part is that I have dogs and that makes it a bit more difficult.

I keep saying that this break-up with Mr. International is different.  It is, because I’m not heart-broken.  I feel like maybe I just lost hope in finding the love that I’ve aspired to have.  Each time I went through a break-up, it was devastating, but I would be right back up on my feet and ready and anxious to meet someone new.  I’d be just as anxious as the last time to find a fresh start.  This time, it’s different for me.  I just feel content with being single.  It seems like a conscious push to be on these apps and trying to meet people.

The Boys in the Yard

So Rock Climber messaged me late in the night on Friday night.  I was so ready to doze off when he was booty calling me.  I made more of an effort than usual since I figure well, where else am I going to get some action these days?  Only one main condition was that he’d have to come to my place.  Surprisingly, he complied.  He wasn’t totally intoxicated and we had a nice decent, intelligent conversation for once.  I cooked him some food, we drank a bottle of wine, he even said he’d stay the night.

Sex was great, but not as good as when we first hooked up because back then I wasn’t on the pill.  I realize now why I like being on top with him.  It’s because he puts in a lot of work on his side when I’m on top.  We had sex before we slept, then again in the middle of the night and again in the morning.  I usually hate waking up in the middle of the night to have sex, but it was alright and he seemed to be okay when I got tired and stopped.  In the morning, he did all the work and I loved that!

In the morning, I thought of a brilliant idea to ask him to help me move my tires out of my car (I had changed them nearly a month ago, but they were too heavy to move easily).  He agreed!  I figure, I could just let him leave on his own and not offer him a drive, but I was willing to exchange a drive for helping me move the tires.  He told me about his dating life and the few girls he has lined up for the day in terms of dates.  I didn’t mind and asked him if he had time to grab a bite.  We went to Chinatown together and he bought me lunch.  I liked that he bought a lot of food.  I like my food and I don’t believe in skimping out on it.  There was enough for me to take some home too.  I drove him home and went to the rock climbing gym near his place instead of the one near mine.  He had to get on with his day, so he didn’t join me.

I thought about calling out Mr. International to come climb with me, since that rock climbing gym was close to his place, and he had told me before that he was looking to get a membership.  I decided against it.  I was telling Rock Climber during our lunch that I’m so happy these days.  I feel so in control of my life.  So as I thought about inviting Mr. International out, I thought about the swing of emotions that I could potentially feel if he declined, or if he told me something that could make me upset.  I didn’t need that complexity in my life.  My solo climbing session was so amazing!  A few random climbers gave me some pointers and I exceeded my own expectations.  I even caught my climbs on camera for extra social media material.  Aside from forgetting my camera at the gym and having to loop back for it, it was a lovely day.  I felt extra perky after all the good sex.

I desperately needed a quick nap before having The Drummer come over.  As usual, The Drummer and I participating in some very platonic TV watching together.  His company is pleasant, but he overstays his welcome.  I wish he would just go home around midnight, rather than three in the morning.  I drop hints that I’m exhausted and I think that night I almost dozed off.  He’s just not right for me, and now I’d rather just keep things platonic.

Food Pod Guy is totally out of the question now.  After some difficulty lining up our schedules (mainly because he only offered me slots after 9pm), he went on vacation and it didn’t seem like we were going to go out again any time soon.  He then messaged me and asked if I could help his business on their accounting.  I asked him whether he wanted to take me on another date or just hire me?  I was baffled when he said he wanted to hire me.  I guess maybe he didn’t get the hint that it was an either or choice, although I’m not sure he’s all that interested in dating me anyway.  I figure that I may as well just take his money at this point.  I fit him into my work schedule, I go to his workplace and get straight to business.  He referred to me as a “guest” in front of his colleagues.  I didn’t even get a friend title.  So we now officially have a professional relationship so no more dates with Food Pod Guy.

The friend that my friend set me up with stopped texting, probably because my responses were not that timely.  I’m not that interested in him, mainly because he has no time.  He works two jobs and is about a three to four hour drive away from me.  I’m not interested in having a long-term relationship with someone who is too busy.  There’s nothing that sparks my interest right now on Bumble, and so I signed back on to Tinder again.  Something odd happened with my account and now I’m not able to see Mr. International, and I’m glad about that.  I think I had two Tinder accounts and I accidentally merged them, which caused a data loss for one of the accounts where I originally met Mr. International and The Photographer.  It’s a blessing actually.

I’ve never been more comfortable being single, and it’s such a good feeling.

My Missing Distraction

I’ve been enjoying certain aspects of my life more after the break-up such as more time with my family, more focus on rock climbing, more time for friends, more focus on work.  My life is very full and I also feel like I really didn’t lose anything because I’m very aware that there was nothing there for me to lose with Mr. International.  Spending time with him was superficial fun, and a distraction.

I’m not heartbroken, not like I was with other guys in the past.  Even still, I am starting to feel unfulfilled.  I feel like I have less perspective and I’m too engrossed in my work.  I feel like I’m letting very small things keep me from being happy.  I was driving to a meeting today and I was stressed out and I had to talk myself through why that was.  One part of it was that I wanted to send out a few emails, emails that could wait until the evening.  It’s just so simple that little things like that should not stress me out, but it does.

Mr. International was a distraction and I needed that in my life.  I don’t regret taking him back after he left, but it is something that I want to let go of now.  I think I’ve been filling that void easily since he’s been gone because my life is so hectic.  But now some of those things that I’ve been doing feels so empty.

I’ve been more and more disappointed with the foodie friends and seeing how superficial that is.  I’ve been binge watching some shows and this one series that I’m following has taken a bad turn and so I’m questioning that.

I’ve also been dreaming about him almost every night.  Now that I’m not sick any more, I’ve been having more dreams.  I just dream about him casually being in my life, doing things with him.  I don’t reject him.  I just willingly go along.

I’ve never before in my life been less interested in dating.

Reflection on Break-Up and Date with Food Pod Guy

I was telling my girlfriend, whom I rant to about all of my break-ups that it’s possible that my break-up with Mr.International might be the easiest break-up that I’ve ever had.  Whether it is because I already went through the grieving process when he left me the first time, or whether it is my affirmations that this should be easy since I already went through this, it has been fairly smooth.  I already feel that I think about him less and less each day, and that my life is just so full already that I don’t need that unnecessary superficial relationship.  I’m writing this too though because I am a bit surprised at how smooth it has been.

My last break-up with Volleyball Guy was also quite easy as I was just done with him.  I think that I liked the idea of being with someone that wanted something long-term with me and hated giving that up.  Though looking back, we were so incompatible.

The question now is where I’ll go from here.  Oh yes, I meant to write about a new date that I went on with Food Pod Guy.  I actually went on this date before Mr. International and I broke it off for good.  I guess I already knew it wasn’t going to work out and was keeping my options open like I vowed to do during the holidays.

Food Pod Guy is an entrepreneur, very forward-thinking and innovative.  He’s developing pre-made meals in little pots that is heated up in a high-tech machine.  In short, he’s doing cool stuff, but not making real money.  He reminds me so much of Mystery Man, from the way he looks to the way he smiles to the way he thinks.  Although, he isn’t as flirty as Mystery Man.  We connected, and it was good, even got a bit buzzed after two glasses of wine.  Then we went for fast food afterwards.  I took and Uber home, just a quick hug, no kiss.

Food Pod Guy is just too into himself I think.  He’s an only child and he has that only child feel plus that self righteous idealistic thing going on.  His focus is on his business, his fitness etc.  He wants me to get into his activity, which is muay thai, and just things like that.  While conversation with him was engaging during the date, as we continued to chat it seems like he only wants to see me on his schedule, which is after 9pm on Thursdays only.  We haven’t met up since because I’ve been sick with the flu though.  I just don’t think that he’s in a spot to be in a relationship, and I don’t really think that I can tolerate him in the long-run although we continue to casually chat.

One of my girlfriends also introduced me to a guy who lives in the same building as her.  He is just so bad with text messages.  Although I initially missed his first message, I’ve been good at responding.  He just goes days and forgets.  One time he answered a question 3 days later.  I asked him if he seriously answered my question nearly a week later, and he said it was because a friend of his died recently.  Well, that’s an extreme excuse.  I wasn’t interested anyway.

Been chatting with a few other guys on Bumble sporadically.  My plan is to keep that going and also find more time for rock-climbing.  I’ve been binge watching some shows and focusing on my business, growing my social media presence etc.  I also look forward to spending maybe more time with my dogs once the flu passes.