Volleyball Coach Got Fired

Volleyball Coach and I keep getting closer together and we went for a romantic weekend getaway that involved a winery tour, romantic dinner with fireworks, gambling, shopping and ice cream.  During the dinner, he said he was so lucky to have found me and it was so sweet.  We’ve been together for four months now, and he says he feels like he doesn’t know me very well still but it’s been a fun journey getting to know me.

After the weekend getaway, I felt that we were closer and he started making plans for me to meet his parents and he wanted to do more things with me, like try yoga classes.  Well, I think I mentioned before that volleyball coach is a man of routine, and having work-life balance.  Well, it all happened so quickly, but he got fired from his day job today (he works in human resource, and does volleyball coaching on the side)!  I knew that this is huge for him, and entirely unforeseen.  I just knew instinctively that I had to be there for him, and be his rock.

I stayed positive, gave him some pep talk and started helping him look into speaking with an employment lawyer.  I’m not so worried about him finding a job, or his financial circumstances truthfully, because I know that he will find something else.  I do feel like him losing his job will test our relationship, even more so than that weekend getaway trip has.

One thing that I am good at is resume writing and finding jobs.  I am persistent, ambitious and career-driven, I’ve always been.  The way I see it, he has a problem that I know how to resolve and I am damn good at it.  As I start to shift his mindset to start thinking about how to approach this, I start to wonder if I’m doing too much.

It scares me.  I don’t want to be this person in a relationship.  I am always the one taking care of people, and in a relationship, I thought I wanted someone who I can trust and can take care of me.  I’m scared that bringing this side of me out will change the dynamic of the relationship.  Up until recently, I’ve tried to avoid talking about my job and my career.  I want him to get to know me as this person outside of work first and foremost, but now I feel that that side of me can be of use to him.  Though I don’t know if I want to actively help him in that way and whether he would even appreciate it?

Part of me thinks that even though I can help him, it might be better for me to play the role of being his emotional rock.  Sometimes I can be smothering, and I think that is something that I want to avoid.  And it is so much more than just testing my role in this relationship.  There will definitely be things that will need to be on hold until he has this all figured out.  I’m okay with postponing our planned vacations, and even shifting some of the activities that we want to do together, but what I realize now is that his life priorities will also be shifting.  I already know that he will not be welcoming this break, he wants to find a new job immediately.  I’m afraid that he will be putting our relationship on a pause until he figures things out.

Relationship-wise, it could be a good thing that this unfortunate event is testing us.  If we can make it through this then I think it could make our relationship stronger.

 

Personal Growth In a Relationship

I’m realizing that the problem that I have with volleyball coach is not new, it was one of the deciding factors of why I ended my 4 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend who predates this blog.  With my ex-boyfriend, I felt that he was not capable of juggling his social life, family obligations, school, work and hobbies.  With all of those things, it seemed that he did not have room to be with me.  Being with volleyball coach feels kind of similar, but I feel more mature now and I’m realizing that part of it is a problem with me.  My life is certainly not as full, and actually I will push things aside to prioritize things that I feel are more important.  I have many things going on, but I put a few things on top of that list and maybe it is me who needs to have a more rounded life.

In some ways I feel envious of volleyball coach.  He’s had a career that seems much less demanding than mine, and he did a really good job at focusing his energy to grow as a person through sports, particularly volleyball.  I’m envious because I feel like I’m a failure in making productive use of my free time.  Sure, I sacrificed a lot to get a professional designation, but for two years after that much of my free time went towards partying and doing mundane things with my drinking friends.  I felt that I missed out on partying, so I went and did that when I was finally able to, only to realize that it was not at all fulfilling.  And playing volleyball has always been a part of my life that I feel that I’ve failed the hardest at.  I love the sport, despite not being very good at it.  I’ve fought my parents many times to allow me to continue playing.  I’ve been the worst player on my team and felt completely demoralized by it, but I kept going.  I’ve tried out for teams that have rejected me.  I moved on to playing recreationally as an adult but admit that I’m still traumatized by the pressure.  It was the sport that taught me sportsmanship, discipline, and teamwork.  Yeah, I admit that I’m a total failure at it, but at the same time it still gives me joy to have a good rally every now and then.  It makes me totally envious that he is amazing at it, and has taken it so far through his personal dedication to it.

Since I’ve met volleyball coach, I’ve started to play more volleyball. Initially, he encouraged me to go out to skill development lessons where he coached.  It was something that I was contemplating on doing for fun and to meet people anyway.  I used to do bootcamp classes and now I’ve completely dropped that and replaced it with volleyball.  He’s noticed that and has been encouraging me to go back.  I think he wants me to have my own thing; my own hobbies, interests, passions.

Being with volleyball coach makes me feel fulfilled.  It feels good to not have to worry about dating and finding a partner that I am compatible with.  I can say that I already have that.  It’s not like I take it for granted, but maybe it is a good time now to refocus on myself and do what I want to do.  It certainly seems like that is what he is doing.

Volleyball coach is aware that he has a responsibility to our relationship.  Today when I came to spectate his team play, he told me that he was doing this voluntarily and that it is quite exhausting.  He feels that he is learning a lot, but at the same time he can leave any time.  I think he said this to reiterate to me what his priorities are.

My relationships always feel difficult, but I think this one is simpler than I think it is.  Maybe as long as our priorities align, and we’re on the same page about things then we can continue to grow ourselves personally while still being together.  It certainly seems like I’ve come to a realization that this is a win-win situation.  I don’t need to be envious of his life, I know mine is pretty great and I just need to move forward and continue living it.  Maybe my original interpretation that he doesn’t have enough time or room for me in his life is not entirely accurate.

Unrealistic Relationship Expectations

I’m having a moment with volleyball guy where I am having a hard time coping with his personality.  I know we’re very different people, and some things are making me feel unsure and not comfortable.  I still believe that he has the best intentions, but he is really set in some of his bachelor ways and it seems hard for him to maintain a relationship.  It seems hard for him to find time to simply be with me.

We see each other fairly consistently, twice a week.  We usually do dinner and we’ll usually spend one to one and half days during the weekend together.  I guess the amount of time is alright, but I’m just unhappy about the quality of time that we spend together.  Okay, so as I am writing this I realize that I have this complaint about pretty much every single guy that I’ve dated, so maybe it’s just me.  My complaint specifically is that guys are often mentally distracted and not focused when they are with me, and this makes me feel like they aren’t trying.

Today, volleyball coach came over for dinner at my place.  I thoroughly enjoyed cooking this meal for him, and he is grateful but I can clearly see that he is mentally exhausted from work and he had a bad day.  We talk about it a bit, and I allowed him to rant on about it while I listened then I asked if we could take a moment to enjoy the meal and said we can resume in a bit.  We never have plans for these weekday dinners, so we go walk the dog as usual, and then ended up vegetating in front of the television until he went home.  We did talk a bit, but as I talked to him, he didn’t seem so focused.  I wanted him to stay the night, but he decided to go home and I was a little annoyed by that.

I think I expected a relationship to be a companion, and I feel like volleyball coach is just not around enough to be a companion.  He coaches volleyball 2 days a week, and if he doesn’t coach, he is playing volleyball.  He likes his after work routine most weekdays and he always tries to find time once a week to spend with his parents.  Frankly, I think he’s got his life figured out, but to fit a significant other into this picture seems a bit difficult.  I honestly want to come home to somebody, and be comfortable enough to spend long durations of time with them… and this isn’t what this relationship is, at least not at this time.  I do wonder if expecting that so soon in the relationship is unreasonable, after all, we’ve only been together a few months.

I want to do things with my significant other.  I want to do rock climbing, go on adventures, take photographs, make memories together.  I think I just like the idea of going out there and doing things, though sometimes just chilling is fine too, but I find that we do the latter way too often.  I think we have a lot of ideas, we talked about going to wineries, making yogurt, going to food festivals, but when we do hang out we always have no plans or he seems way too exhausted so we just take it easy.  Again, this has been something that has been a recurring problem in my past relationships too.  I think I just want to do things more than other people do.

He does seem willing, don’t get me wrong.  This coming weekend, he’s voluntarily coming to one of my friend’s birthday party even though it’s totally not his kind of thing (it’s a totally over the top planned birthday party with all sorts of over the top, elaborate things).  He willingly goes to my family wedding, and has invited me on a camping trip and is trying to plan a vacation together.  I have no doubt that he wants to be with me, and that he has every intention to do things with me, but I guess I get tired of what I feel is a relationship that feels like it is on autopilot.

But as I think about it, it makes sense.  He is a man of routine.  I keep saying that, but it’s true.  Maybe a relationship on a bit of a routine is not a bad thing if the intention is good.  Maybe it is actually a mature relationship as opposed to two people just wanting to be together to do things together and for the sake of companionship?

Maybe I just need to get my life together.  I felt that I was doing well with having my own things going on.  I mean, starting a business, working a full time contract and taking care of 2 puppies is quite a bit already.  I was even in a weekly volleyball league up until last week.  It’s possible that I feel this way because I’ve been working from home and feeling all cooped up this week.

Maybe I need perspective.  I have someone that really cares about me, wants to be with me.  It’s a new relationship, and he is quite introverted.  We complement each other, and maybe more time to focus on me and my business is something that I should embrace.  It’s certainly not a deal breaker, but it is causing me some frustration.

A Whole New Life

The way I act around volleyball coach is starting to feel more natural.  I feel less judgemental than when I first met him, and am finding myself feeling giddy, goofy and happy just being with him.  We see each other about twice a week, and it’s quite consistent.  It feels a bit planned and calculated with him, and he likes to think ahead for these kind of things.  Sometimes I feel like that’s not enough, and it feels like he has to put in quite a bit of effort to orchestrate the whole thing.

I’m more spontaneous and I’m used to being with people who are more spontaneous, so this is new to me.  I know that he coaches volleyball every Friday and Saturday, so it makes it easy for me to make sure that I have something else to do during those days.  I remain connected with my coworkers and foodie friends, and he seems very okay with that despite me having many male friends.

I’ve thought about hanging out with some of my old drinking friends, the ones that mystery man and I shared in common, but I’ve realized that even now that I’m not heartbroken about it anymore, it was still the right decision to let them go.  When I made the decision to not see those people anymore, I figured that it would make me feel less awful about mystery man and I.  But, as I’ve come to realize now, letting them go also allowed me to open my life up to new groups of friends that I would otherwise have no time for.

I used to always tell people that I was too busy, and even joked and said that I’m in a cult.  I was spending a lot of time with people who were at times fun, and had good intentions but did not have a real connection with, or lived a similar lifestyle as I did.  Now, if I saw these people I would be friendly with them, but we just aren’t in the same walk in life and that’s okay.  Is there really a point in maintaining friendships for the sake of maintaining them?  I’ve always felt guilty about this, but I think it should be a conscious decision who you spend time with.

I’m grateful that more people want to spend time with me than I have time for.  When I first became single after mystery man, I felt so lonely.  Keeping myself away from all of our mutual friends made me feel like I had nothing, that I was starting from scratch.  I kicked myself for not keeping in closer touch with my high school girlfriends, but in reality, those friendships also became more distant for other reasons.  Removing those people from my life really created the space that I needed to figure out what I wanted to do with my career, and go out and meet people.

I told myself that I would put myself out there and my intention was to find a partner, but not only have I found my boyfriend, I also found new friends, and reconnected with old friends.  Of course I found many people that I didn’t enjoy the company of, and activities that were not as fun as I thought they would be, but my life feels whole again now.  There is no need to try to keep these superficial ties to people whom I don’t feel a genuine connection with.

I feel like I’ve basically created a whole new life for myself that I’m much happier with.  A new boyfriend, new groups of friends, rekindled old friendships, new career trajectory, new hobbies.  I feel empowered to choose these things for myself now and it wasn’t too difficult because I made the space in my life to bring in these new things.  I feel proud of myself that I did something about it.  I didn’t wait for these things to come to me.  I really did work for it.

Now, when I wake up next to volleyball coach, I still feel like I’m just starting to get used to my new life.  The idea of being with him, and even the idea of being content feels foreign, but I like it more as I become more aquatinted with it.

Growing Sexually

I can tell that volleyball coach is kinky as hell because he’ll do certain things like gently choke me, or suggesting buying toys for me.  Finally, somebody that thinks about sex as a continuous build as opposed to just quick and dirty fun that is short-lived.  Orgasming during sex has always been difficult for me, and I am slowly realizing that orgasms are not all the same.  When I play with myself, I am used to clitoral orgasms with pressure on the pelvis area, which is quite strong.  I’ve experienced mental orgasms that are triggered by sexy thoughts and limited physical stimulation and I think these feel like a body tingle, especially in the breast / nipple area.  Orgasming during sex with penetration and limited clitoral stimulation is just much different.  It’s just not as apparent, and it requires a lot more mental focus, at least for me.  I have to feel like I am fully immersed in the experience and I have to feel comfortable. The orgasm is intense, but because it is intense, it’s hard to tell when the orgasm is over and thus it’s also hard to tell when the orgasm starts, because it’s a really slow build.

People always say that when you have an orgasm, you will know what it is, but with this kind of penetrative orgasm and slow build, it’s difficult to tell when it has started and because of that it’s difficult to recognize it as an orgasm.  When it’s over, it is satisfying, except since it’s a bit of a build and plateau, rather than a few seconds of intense pleasure, it’s difficult to register it as an orgasm.

Volleyball coach is patient with me, tries different things and I think it has really allowed me to grow sexually.  I’ve always been self conscious about riding on top and doing the work.  I will do it and it is enjoyable, but I could never finish or finish my partner this way.  I think not being able to do the work to finish my partner has been something that has perplexed me, and made me think that I’m doing it wrong.  I’d always get tired, and felt that I wasn’t fit enough for that position.  Okay, so volleyball coach has really shown me how to do this position so that he can finish and wow was it a boost of confidence for me!  For the record, the move that seemed to work on him was more of a pelvis thrust movement rather than an up and down movement, and the closer our legs were, the better it was.  Sex continues to get better with volleyball coach, and it’s because he puts my pleasure first.  At first I felt that the pressure to orgasm (because he was trying so hard) was too much, but now I think I’m really enjoying it more.

After a strong sexual connection, I feel this attachment to my partner.  Volleyball coach is still a man after all and he seems to only be able to focus on one thing at a time.  He seemed a little distant earlier in the week, but it was because his work was busy.  I started feeling like I was getting the cold shoulder, but because I’ve been in enough relationships now, I knew this was normal.  He has assured me so many times that he wants to be with me that if he gets a bit busy, I know to let it go.  See, a relationship newbie might pry or “do something” or be passive aggressive about it all, but I know now that a long term relationship needs to be treated a bit like buying a long-term stock.  Sometimes the stock is going down, but most of the time you need to just stop looking at the small fluctuations, otherwise it will drive you crazy.

Feelings Validated

Volleyball coach validates my feelings for him.  He texts me everyday and he even calls sometimes.  It feels delightful to be with someone in this way.  It isn’t an elated up in the sky feeling like I had when I was in some relationship highs, but it feels like a content and stable feeling that fulfills me in a wholesome way.  I feel like I’m learning how to love someone in a way that is different than what I’ve experienced in the past.

See, when I am with someone that I really like, I usually get all excited about doing stuff together.  Going to festivals together, going to the movies together, and even unconventional things like working out together.  I think now that I have more experience and realizing that volleyball coach is really an introvert, it actually makes me see that we really don’t need to engage in all of those activities together.  Volleyball coach may never come to one of my bootcamp classes, meet my entrepreneurial friends or go to the spa with me.  I think I love the idea of immersing myself in my partner’s life and having him immerse himself in mine, but now I am realizing that not doing this has its own benefits.  These are the things that make us unique and what keeps us interesting to the other.  It is actually important to have these things that are just your own, because then you can bring that into the relationship.

I think we’re both trying to figure out how much time is an appropriate amount of time to spend with each other given our schedules.  I feel that I am more flexible with this now.  I too have many things going on in my life that also need nurturing.  It is these things that give me a unique identity.

I realize that I can come off as needy sometimes in past relationships.  I’m the kind of person that if I’m excited about some new idea, I get really excited and want to immerse myself completely in it.  I think he makes it easy to take it slower because he gives me comfort and security in the relationship.  This in turn allows me to realize that we have lots of time together and we should cherish what we have rather than to need to do everything immediately.

 

Steadily Moving Forward

As volleyball coach stayed over for maybe the third time ever at my place, I stared at him while he was falling asleep and I was thinking how not too long ago it was mystery man that was in the very spot.  I wasn’t confused.  I was just pondering about how it really doesn’t feel like it was all too long ago that another man was deeply intertwined in my life.  I can’t help but compare volleyball coach to mystery man.  The relationship that I had with these two men couldn’t be more different.  It was such a struggle to be with mystery man, to fight for attention and for what I wanted.  I was internally conflicted every time he disappointed me.  He and I were so similar, which made me think that we had something special.

I guess I’m thinking about the idea of love.  I felt that I loved mystery man, but that now I’m falling in love with volleyball coach though it feels so different.  I feel that I can move on with volleyball coach and live a full life, but I also don’t want to forget what I had with mystery man because I think it actually helps me appreciate what I have with volleyball coach more.

Volleyball coach could not be more wonderful.  We spent the entire long weekend together and basically babysat our dogs to make sure that they got along.  I introduced him to a few of my close friends.  My friends were so thoughtful to note that they liked him the most out of all the partners that I’ve introduced to them.  It makes me feel good to feel like my feelings about volleyball coach are validated.

So we decided to go to McDonald’s for breakfast and guess who I happen to run into?  My ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for 4 years.  This is the one that I left, and then he tried to get back with me, but then my best friend betrayed me and hooked up with him and they’ve been together since.  Our interaction was brief, and only slightly awkward.  Volleyball coach saw through it all and at the right moment he asked about it in a non-intrusive manner.  I’ve been wanting to share with him a glimpse of my relationship past and this was a good opportunity to do so.

Volleyball coach is surprisingly more experienced with relationships and is more emotionally mature than I had thought.  I’m very impressed.  I asked him later on that night (because he wanted to have dinner with me too) if he’s ever been in a relationship that wasn’t seriously going anywhere.  He said he had, but it ended because the girl wanted more though he didn’t feel that she was right for him.  This answer was profound to me in two ways.  First, it confirmed my thoughts on how men fall in love.  They have an image that they are looking for, and the other partner needs to fall within this image before they can feel that they can emotionally move forward.  For volleyball coach, I happen to fall within his ideal image of what he is looking for.  Second, I thought it was kind of sexy that he has standards and that he had that experience before.  A man that is sexually experienced is sexy to me.

What I really like about volleyball coach is that he wants to do things with me.  We do stuff together that feels like we’re not just living our mundane lives together like doing errands, chores, cooking dinner and dining out.   I say this because many of my past relationships felt like it it was on auto pilot in that way.  Volleyball coach actively thinks about what we can do together and even puts in effort to get to some of these things.  So after dinner, we played this computer game together and it was so much fun.  He suggested shopping during the week (though our weekday schedules are a bit packed) and this coming weekend we are taking the dogs out to a dog event.

My relationship with volleyball coach can best be described like climbing stairs.  It feels like we are steadily moving forward through a bit of effort.  I am confident that eventually we will get to where we want to get and the journey is enjoyable.  My past relationships however felt more like skiing over unknown terrains, blindfolded.  There were times where it was smooth, exhilarating even, but I have no idea where it was headed.  Sometimes I had to climb back uphill, and it sucked but I kept at it because it seemed that eventually I would go back to hitting those smooth slopes.  It was scary, though the thrill overcomes the fear.  Eventually though, I’d wipe out and it was over.  I am so over doing what is basically the relationship equivalent of going skiing blindfolded.