I don’t think I’ve ever been this satisfied being single in my entire life. It’s true, in the last year I felt like I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve really gotten into my climbing just a lot more, and I’m feeling quite comfortable just going to the climbing gym and climbing alone. I have some new hobbies that I just truly enjoy: streaming and DJing. Generally speaking, I just feel really comfortable on my own.
Last week, I was kind of flustered and frustrated coming back from a weekend trip out of town. I had invited a high school friend to come out with me, and looking back, I felt that I had a worse time. I brought out my DJ equipment and everything to DJ for my friends. The whole time that my high school friend was high that night he had demands every few minutes of me. I thought it was really rude of him to impose on me having a good time, though on the other hand. I felt robbed of a great party experience, and when I try to talk to him about it, he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He just thinks that he was just being himself and acting out of being inebriated. So I’ve chosen to just take a step back from this high school friend.
There’s a few other things too about this high school friend. He’s most recently getting closer to my ex-boyfriend of four years, and it was not cool that he kept taking photos of me and sending it to a group chat that included my ex-boyfriend. Mature me knows that this isn’t really a situation to address, and it’s more so one to avoid altogether.
But yeah, I do feel like I have a different perspective now. I see being single as a joy. I can credit this to Zen Master also, it was just quite terrible being with him. I don’t think I’ve complained about anyone as much as I’ve complained about Zen Master. I think it’s really given me more perspective about what I want and what’s important to me. The one takeaway is that I really want someone that I can trust to make decisions for me. Someone whose critical thinking skills I trust. They don’t have to be on point all the time, but yeah that is something that is really important. If I cannot trust someone or if they don’t really have their shit together, then it makes things difficult to be in a relationship with this person. Because then their shit becomes your shit and I have enough to deal with as is.
I’ve been thinking way less about The Motivator. I credit this partly to the shrooms trip, and also to just simply not seeing him. Since he has moved out further and purchased his own car, it feels like he has also physically moved on. I did ask him to climb with me but he has said that he’s busy.
I’m unaffected by not seeing him, and in a way I feel like it’s good for me. I have some speculations that basically he probably still has a crush on the other girl in the group, though she’s probably turned him down. She was injured and so climbing with me was convenient because I am flexible and I offered a ride. My speculation is that since she is probably better now, he has decided to go back on that wagon.
I feel like I have so much more clarity on the situation with myself and The Motivator now. I can see why I fell so deeply for him, he showed me so much, at a time where I was so receptive to growth and learning. It’s natural that I associated all of these positive things in my life with him. And yes, I do give him credit for exposing me to these things, but it was me that made something out of it. I discovered how receptive I was during the covid lockdown this year. I picked up streaming and DJing on my own and with the influence of others in my life. Me finding things that I enjoy and truly embrace to make my own cannot be entirely attributed to him.
I also see how he has done me wrong also. He truly has downplayed the closeness of our relationship for his own benefit. His omissions such as when he talked about going to a certain high-end restaurant with a common friend, he’ll conveniently omit that we went together. His sudden declarations that we aren’t together. And even when it’s just the two of us together, he makes sure to let me know that he is not like me. He says certain things to make it seem like he’s absent minded about what has happened between us. In this way, he has wronged me.
I think that while it is acceptable to create distance and boundaries in the relationships that you have, it should be in done in a way that is consistent and respectful. So, in the example of me putting distance between myself and my high school friend, just spending less time with this person. I’m not going to try to be manipulative and manipulate this person into my life in ways that would benefit me more and then exclude or deny or downplay our relationship. This resulted in me feeling excluded and left out when The Motivator did this to me.
My relationship with The Motivator had clear benefits to him, and I was trying way too hard to just be accepted by him. I was aware that the joy that I found in that relationship is that I found joy in giving to The Motivator. I felt like it gave me purpose to make these elaborate meals for him, and then my reward was him enjoying the meals with me. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and I felt like it was a strive in being accepted by him, even if it was just for certain things in his life and not others.
I don’t regret doing these things for him or with him, and it truly did bring me joy in my own life. And I also can’t say that I’m sad about it either. I truly tried to find a way to connect with him both in the romantic sense and also in a platonic way, as a friend. I attributed these things that I have in my life to him, but I think I’m giving him too much credit there too.
I realize that The Motivator is different for sure. I mentioned before that I think he’s a sociopath, and I truly believe that he is still. He is pragmatic in his approach to being friends with me. He doesn’t simply dismiss me, because he sees the selfish benefits to being friends with me.
I thought so much about why he didn’t accept me, and that is probably rooted in my own personal trauma (not being accepted). As I think about my own annoyance with my high school friend, me being annoyed with him comes down to an issue with myself. I’m annoyed by him because I feel that he was being inconsiderate of me. I also voiced my requests with him, and expect that he would respect them, but he’s not willing to compromise in this way. He sees his actions as just him being himself. So when it comes down to it, I’m annoyed by my high school friend as a person. Beyond trying to convey where I am coming from, there’s not much I can do if he either isn’t trying to change or doesn’t want to change his behaviour. So then, I need to make a decision about whether I’d like for this person to be involved in my life in this way.
My long-winded point here is that I have to accept my high school friend for who he is. I’m not going to try to manipulate him to change (because I cannot), and I’m not going to try to manipulate the relationship so that I exploit him for my own benefits, yet exclude him from the parts of my life that he wants to be part of. And this is what I believe The Motivator did to me. He isn’t communicative of what it is that he is annoyed by or doesn’t voice why he feels we are incompatible. I do believe there are annoyances that he cannot look past, for just me being me, and that’s a problem with him. If he cannot even express it or feel that there’s no point in expressing these things, then there’s not much that I can do about that.
And yes, I do feel that it was wrong of him to knowingly receive benefits from the relationship (my generosity, convenience), knowing full well that I wanted to genuinely connect and be a part of his life and that he wasn’t ever going to open up in that way with me.
Often times when I was hanging out with him, it felt like the conversation was one-way, and also very forced. It felt like either I’m oversharing about myself or that I was prying into his life. I accepted this for just being the nature of the relationship that we have, but this is due to him just not being that open with me because he doesn’t want to share his life with me. And he would use the excuse that he doesn’t often share about himself, but whether or not this is true or not is beside the point. I opened up in this way to him, and he knew I wanted to connect with him in this way.
I can admit though that he can do whatever it is he does, and whether I feel like it was manipulative makes no difference. I knew full well that the joy that I received from that relationship was from trying to connect with him, and it truly was joyful. Now that I have had some time to take a step back from the relationship though, I do see how even though I feel joy from the interaction that it was not healthy for me. Subconsciously, I was reliving a trauma, and I just wanted to be accepted. I simply just did not understand why a man who has given me so much would not accept me in this way, especially when I’ve worked so hard to open up to him. This is my own problem and something that I have to work through myself.
He’s told me that he will be renewing his gym membership, and the original plan was that I’d also renew the membership at the same time so that we could climb together also. But I don’t know if I will.
At this point, I just don’t really have any incentive to continue our relationship (me and The Motivator) in the way that it is today. I might always enjoy his company, but there’s just no point in me going out of my way for it. The benefits of having a friend that doesn’t open up, is ashamed of his relationship with me, who downplays our relationship just isn’t worth it. I am okay to give this relationship some space now.
When he first pursued me, I wanted to be with him in a romantic way, and this lasted a long time, even after he stopped pursuing me. Once we established that we were not going to be in a relationship, I just wanted acceptance. I felt that we had a close connection, that we shared many things in common and I had a good time with him and it was difficult for me to understand that he didn’t feel the same way about me, even as just a friend. I’m finally okay with accepting that he will never accept me in his life as a close friend. I will always be just an acquaintance and that is his decision. On my side, I am okay now to just let the relationship of being acquaintances play out.