Wow things have changed drastically since I’ve last posted. I have a boyfriend now. How did it happen? Well, we have been friends for nearly a year before we got together. Over the course of that year, I always knew I liked him and thought that he was cute, but I never thought that he saw me in that way. We were a little bit flirty with each other, but I was never sure because he was so much younger than me.
I haven’t written about it because I kind of dropped writing a bit. The reason for this is that I realize that my writing created this narrative that compounded the way I framed how I saw my romantic relationships. It was helpful in mind dumping my thoughts and frustrations and sometimes it did help but I see now that the way I framed my relationships may have not been the healthiest.
I have to say that my new boyfriend, let’s call him The Caretaker, because he loves taking care of me is most definitely my favourite boyfriend yet. I had been crushing over him for about a year and I never thought that I would find someone that I am so into, that also reciprocates that feeling. We are so compatible, we share many of the same hobbies and we both just want to spend all of our free time together and do everything together. Honestly, it is everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship.
So what about The Motivator? The man that has shown me so much of myself, but also has caused me so much grief?
Well, I told him that I have a boyfriend now. We definitely do not hook up anymore. My idea was that he would just be an acquaintance because it’s not like I was seeing him that often before. He would show up pretty much once in awhile, after the pandemic years anyways. After all the things that has happened between us, the disinterest he showed in me, I find it so surprising that he now literally pines over me.
Now that I have a boyfriend, he buys me gifts all the time, he tells me which days he has off, he wants to spend his day off with me almost every week, he wants me to cook him dinners, he comes over and stays until late but I don’t allow him to stay over. He wants to go to dinners with me, he wants to go to yoga with me, he wants to do all sorts of things now. He messages me often, at one point almost everyday. He even compliments me and says nice things and reminisces about the times that we’ve spent together.
I don’t have any feelings for him anymore, just none. I’ve become the passive person in our relationship now. In all honesty, I would rather not do most of these things. My needs are met by my boyfriend and while I do have interest in remaining acquaintances/friends, it is not my prerogative to put anymore effort into this relationship.
It is so ironic how the tables have turned. Do I think that he wants me actually? I do actually think that he thinks that he wants me, absolutely. I think it’s one of those situations where he didn’t realize that he wanted me until it was too late.
I am not at all keeping him around as back-up or anything like that. I was thinking to myself that even if my relationship with my current boyfriend doesn’t work out, I would never go back to pursue a relationship with The Motivator. He absolutely had his chance and there has been too much rejection for me to ever want to go back to that.
Also, my current boyfriend has opened my eyes to how well I can be treated, and there is no way in hell I would go back to a situation like The Motivator. The Motivator had me on a toxic emotional rollercoaster. Sure, I learned a lot about myself, and it was thrilling at times but what I have now with The Caregiver, it’s just not comparable.
Some would say that I need to cut it off with The Motivator. The reason why I am against it is because we still have some parts of our lives i.e. mutual friends, mutual hobbies that actually would have us bumping into each other often. I don’t believe in shutting out a relationship entirely just because I’m in a new relationship. My boyfriend, The Caregiver also thinks that it’s important to be cordial, if possible with ex-lovers. He is supportive of the friendship and he is very much in the know that I think the world of him.
Even still, The Motivator has become a bit too much now. It’s funny how I think about what he’s doing and hit bow much I would have appreciated it if it had happened before. But now, I feel burdened and feel that I need to close out some boundaries.