Multi-faceted Personality Analysis

A bit of a different type of post here. I saw a video yesterday about multiple personality disorder, formally known as dissociative identity disorder. While I don’t have this I thought it was really interesting. Every person has a personality that really is multi-faceted, but it seems like people with this disorder literally split their brains between different versions of themselves.

The older I get the more I realize that I’ve had quite a traumatic upbringing and it’s not quite “normal”. I thought about identifying these different aspects of myself in order to help me, give me a way to analyze and understand myself a bit better.

If I had to divide the different aspects of myself:

Work Bella – This is my work self. I am disciplined, generally focused on certain priorities and key points, highly motivated. I am motivated by positive re-enforcement and I have a can-do attitude. I’m quick and fast, capable of critical thinking and problem solving. I am personable, but always know what my objective is. I am charismatic. I am good in high-stress situations, but find it to be tiring. I am not great at being scolded or general disapproval.

Work Bella started off as the studious version of myself at a very young age, being positively encouraged and re-enforced as a young child to study hard and receiving positive feedback on a job well done. During the work days, I often am this version of myself, but even outside of work when I need to find motivation or need help solving a problem, this is me.

PLUR Bella (referring to peace, love, unity and respect) – This is the carefree, loving version of myself. I am emotional and loving and caring and want the best for everyone. I am non-judgmental. I believe that every person has their reasons for their actions. I like to connect with people, especially on a deeper level. I want to get to know them, figure out what drives their heart. I want to do everything I can to make the world a better place and to help others be their best selves.

PLUR Bella usually comes out when I am intoxicated, particularly when I am high on marijuana. PLUR Bella comes out during leisure settings, when connecting on a deeper level with others. PLUR Bella developed from a more maternal version of myself, taking care of my younger brother, making sure he has what he needs to succeed. PLUR Bella really surfaced as recently as a few years ago when I met The Motivator and he really gave me a different perspective in life, to disconnect, to be carefree and to truly enjoy bringing small amounts of joy to others.

Maternal Bella – Maternal Bella exists because I’ve been an older sister for most of my life. I remember dreaming about an aunt that I disliked dropping my infant brother – it was a nightmare that is still quite vivid to me today. Even at a very young age, I had the instinct to protect my younger brother no matter what. I am protective, but also strict, and easily roused if my younger brother makes a decision that I don’t approve. I can be highly emotional and easily angered, if someone threatens my brother or someone else that I am protecting.

I like to think that I’ve since matured since PLUR Bella came to be a few years ago, and take more of a step back and allowing things to unfold as well as understanding that there are things that sometimes will just not be controllable. Also, my brother is now a full fledged adult now and my feelings and need to take care of him has lessened considerably.

Teenage Angst Bella – Teenage angst Bella actually originated from my early childhood days, around the age of 6-7 years old. I was starting to explore boundaries and would be silly, tell jokes and try to annoy others. In my teenage years, this included swearing at random people on the phone just to see what their reaction would be, pulling pranks, being mischievous. I am looking for fun, an exciting time, looking to break the rules in a carefully assessed manner.

I am rebellious, go against the norm or my parent’s wishes, takes calculated risks. I can be easily excitable. I suffered some trauma, and I am angry that my parents do not grant me the freedom to go out with my friends. I am bored and so I create my own excitement in other ways.

Introverted Bella – Introverted Bella has always existed, ever since the beginning. I loved to play with my make-up set when I was little, by myself. I would go through each piece of the set quietly and I even remember finding a secret compartment in this make-up set after playing with it many times and was really excited about that.

An older introverted Bella now is someone that enjoys dining alone, journaling, and many other introverted activities. I can get quite exhausted dealing with people and don’t like business interactions or even interactions with friends if they become too tiring.

Perfect Boyfriend Bella – This is a version of a man that is my dream man. This version of me is never in the driving seat, but more so someone in the background that forms the version of the perfect man that I wish I could be with. He is there for me when I am mistreated, he is there for me when I am heartbroken and tells me that everything will be okay and that I deserve to be treated better.

He is there for me in simple situations like when I was younger and I wanted to share a magazine that I really liked. He is always there and happy and willing to do anything that pleases me. He’s also there to help me fulfill my loving boyfriend sexual fantasies.

Child Bella – Child Bella is easily excitable over small and simple things such as something really cute, or an exciting idea. I like to be taken care of, and doted on. I like it when I can depend completely on others to help me navigate, drive.

Child Bella mostly comes out when I am in a relationship where I fully trust the other person to be a responsible adult and not lead me astray, when I feel comfortable enough with someone where I don’t have to check to make sure they are doing everything correctly because I have that level of trust and confidence in them. When I am driving, I tend to ask others for life advice and really take it wholeheartedly because I fully trust them. I am easily excitable and if I am being taken care of and my needs are met, I am elated.

When I split up my different selves up into these various components, I feel like

Unexpected Events and Imposter Syndrome (In a Good Way)

I just spent the last two weeks in another city. It was unexpected, in that it was supposed to be a trip with friends with some rock climbing but last minute the friends caught covid and I found myself going on a solo trip. Even the days leading up until trip, I just really didn’t think about what I’d be doing on this trip.

Let’s start right before the vacation even started – just really unexpected events. I had tickets to an electronic music concert. I went with my married friend. I met a guy at the event and he seemed really interested in me, even made his entire group of friends follow me around. I basically had a posse of guys following me around. So many things happened that night and it was so outrageously fun: two guys hit on me, I met a DJ and tried to get him to sign my boobs, there was drugs, everything. At the end of the night, the one guy (who is also a rock climber) asked if I wanted to leave with him, but I declined. We exchanged contacts and started texting each other. I told him I’m going on a trip for two weeks and he seemed alright with that. Let’s call him Awkward Dancer, because he dances like… a white guy. But he’s cute and tall and nerdy and I like that.

Next day, I was still super hungover, but I had a gym outing with a guy that I bumped into at the gym the other day whom I used to work with at the bank. The place that we used to work at was quite special in that it was a big part of who we are as a person – and so we had 2 things in common already. The few times I’ve seen him it seemed like he was in a relationship already but turns out he isn’t anymore. Great, so was it a date? Yeah, turns out it really did feel like a date, and it went well too. The gym climbing session was great fun and there was just so much to talk about because we have so much in common. We can call him The Analyst, because we were both analysts at the bank when we worked together. We haven’t really texted much since I left on the trip, but it does seem like it’s quite open to that.

So I go on this trip and everything just seemed to fall in place. During the pandemic, I picked up a new hobby – livestreaming and so I met up with some girls who has the same hobbies and we just really got a long well even though they are much younger than me. We even threw a party at the end of the week together – and now all of a sudden I have girlfriends! I’m not the kind of person that has a lot of girlfriends and so this was really special to me and I’ve always envisioned having “Sex and the City” -esque girlfriends and this is the closest thing that I’ve ever had to this. I hung out with girls all week and it was amazing.

My friends with benefit – The Rock Climber is also now in this city – I’ve hooked up with him multiple times in the past 4 years or so. We seem to have a very hm… reliable is not the word, but perhaps on-going relationship. And damn I think this time I had sex with him was one of the best I’ve ever had. It’s not him, it’s just me being in the moment (I was high) and to be honest, I was thinking about someone else. I wanted to do it more than once with him but it just didn’t happen.

I went to Tinder and I met up with a guy who is a lawyer. We did cocktails together and I thought the conversation was quite refreshing at first. I invited him back to my place, we picked up more drinks, we basically had some hasty drunk sex. I didn’t think he was that good, it was just too hasty and I don’t really think he *gets* sex, he’s just kind of dived into it. For example, some people know how to enjoy food, but some people just eat food for the sake of eating food because they feel hungry – he’s the latter when it comes to sex. He wanted to get another sesh in before I left, said I was really hot and joked that I totally made a mistake in picking him over the other Tinder guys. At the end of the day, I didn’t really feel like I jived so well with him. Let’s call him The Lawyer in case we need to come back to refer to him later. We texted after and I did try to see if we could do it again, but we couldn’t find a good time to meet up agian.

While this was supposed to be a vacation, it really wasn’t in that I was still working. Work has been really really stressful, perhaps the most stressful it has ever been and it’s been really hard to disconnect. And so, because of that it did really feel like I was living there and not just on vacation. I worked and then I played and then I tried to relax.

I really did have half a mind to just keep staying there. I work remotely, since even before the global covid pandemic and I really don’t have to be at home. I gave this a lot of thought. I think that I have to be home because that’s where my parents are, but the more I think about that, the more I realize that it’s not really a good way to think about it. I also think that while my parents are still healthy, it might actually be better for me to do some more travelling as things start to open up a bit more.

I want to be a happier person and I’m really not building a life for myself where I can be my happiest. If I just want to run away and live somewhere else, what is it that I am doing wrong with my life? I need to make some changes.

I feel stuck and tied down because of my parents still. I’m no longer a young adult, I’m downright a full-fledged adult but yet I feel like I don’t have the freedom that I’d like to have to be away from my hometown for as long as I’d like. I thought I was building a career for myself that allows for flexibility, but in reality, I’ve signed some contracts that are extremely demanding. I want to date more, but in reality, I’ve been kind of hung up on The Motivator for far too long.

Change doesn’t come easy, and I’m experienced enough to understand that change doesn’t happen overnight but I have to keep trying. Last time I went on vacation and came back, I made the decision to just keep hiring more people at business and essentially hire myself out of a job. It was a great decision and although I’m not so stress-free yet, I can’t imagine how much more stressed I would be if I didn’t make the decision to move in that direction. This just needs more time. This time around, the decision that I’ve made is that I’m going to travel more and date more – these are kind of odd decisions but this trip made me so happy and dating can actually be quite nice when there’s no expectations.

I’m going to go back home and I’m going to see where things will go with the guy that I met at the concert, and the old colleague that I reconnected with. I was also thinking that there’s a guy that I connected with on Tinder recently that I originally wasn’t sure if I’d want to follow-through with, but I think I will!

I think part of this decision is that I feel like for the first time, I can say that there’s enough of a distance between myself and The Motivator that I have the mental space to think about dating others. While on the trip, The Motivator messaged me and I was a bit annoyed. I was having such a great time on the trip that I just wanted to forget about him. I have no obligation to him, and so I wanted to be set free a bit. It was much easier to feel this way when I wasn’t in the same city. It felt freeing. I don’t dislike him now nor am I offput by him, but I just feel nothing. For so long I was just trying to “figure him out” and also try to understand why I might not be his type, but something about being away just allowed me to let go of some of those obsessive tendencies that aren’t doing me any good.

I feel more like the world is my oyster (I think that is the saying) and I just need to go out and live it, live it better rather. I can have all the good stuff if I wanted. I can have girlfriends, I can go on trips, I’m allowed to have hobbies and pursue them, it’s okay to want to have really good sex. It’s okay to not want to lock myself down with more obligations.

My whole life, I’ve been a model citizen, listened to my parents (for the most part) and thought about others. But I think just moving more towards putting myself first, being friends with people who are actually truly nice to me – this needs to come first more often.

Dating Two New Younger Guys

I went back to post a bunch of old draft posts that started to feel way too real. So real that I didn’t feel like I could post them at the time because then I’d be admitting that these are actual thoughts that I had.

Just as I planned though, after the vacation with The Motivator and friends, I put a bit of distance between myself and him and it’s been better, for sure. He seems nicer, more appreciative of me and I feel more in control. I’ve actually said no to a lot of things with him recently and it feels good. Will I still sleep with him? I don’t know. It just feels like he hasn’t really tried to do that with me, and so I won’t really initiate that either. I think it depends how I feel about whether that’s something he seems interested in doing.

I’ve been a bit more occupied with other things in life. I’ve been dating two new younger guys. These guys are like almost a decade younger than me. One is a serious climber and fitness fanatic – we can call him Fitness Fanatic. The other is more into body building, has similar taste in music as me and he too is starting to be more interested in rock climbing – we can call him Body Builder.

I went on a good date first with Body Builder and he really didn’t seem to come through with a second date seeing that his life was so jam packed. He tried to make plans with me one month out and I declined to accept that offer. I pretty much almost dismissed him, and then Fitness Fanatic and I went rock climbing together. The common interest in rock climbing really made things flow nicely. Then Body Builder came back into the picture when he invited me out to go rock climbing with his friends – I think I felt closer to him because he introduced me to his friends and made me feel like his girlfriend. That really felt nice, and so suddenly he was back in the picture again.

While I was away on vacation, I kept up with the texting with both of these guys. They both wanted to hear about what I was doing on vacation every day and I think it felt like low-pressure as they checked in on me while I was away.

Coming back from vacation, Body Builder came through and picked me up from the airport! I felt extra special and he came over and we made out. Oh, we also had a taco dinner night where I cooked before I left from vacation too. After coming back from vacation, he invited me to a concert and introduced me to even more of his friends. I felt even more closer to him, with “good morning” texts and constant texting everyday. I felt that we had a closer connection than Fitness Fanatic and I.

Fitness Fanatic started to feel like he was not coming through. I saw him for a rock climbing date when I was back, and it was a great session! I suggested dinner afterwards, and he said he couldn’t invite me up because his place was messy, so I said okay. We went out for Korean food. On our first date, he was very clear that he wanted to split the bill – while I’m okay with this, his insistence was off putting. When the bill came for Korean, I put down enough cash for my half, and after he found out that there was a cash discount he asked if I could pay with cash. He offered to transfer me the money, but I told him he could just get it next time and he agreed. The money situation with him is awkward AF. He then asked me if he could stay over at my place before his planned bike trip with his friends – he had never even come over to my place before and here he is asking to stay overnight… ballsy. I feel like Fitness Fanatic just doesn’t have good common sense, or he’s okay with and used to mooching off others.

Initially, I said yes to Fitness Fanatic staying over, but it turns out that Body Builder asked me to a concert that night. Since the concert was close to me, I instead asked Body Builder to stay over instead. At this point, I felt a lot more connected to Body Builder than I did Fitness Fanatic.

I took Body Builder out for a nice fancy dinner, and he took me to the concert. It was a great night and we totally could have had sex that night, but it just felt like he was teasing me and ultimately I got too tired and pretended to sleep. I don’t want to make out all night, and there were times where I gave him the go signal and he didn’t take it. There was one point where I was straddling him in bed, while we were kissing and as I reached down to see if he was excited, I noticed that he wasn’t hard. Aside from that, I was also confused that he didn’t take it any further than that. I’m unsure if we just don’t have physical chemistry or what. Thinking back, we had a handful of opportunities to have sex but it just never happened.

I continue to text both guys daily, though I’ve not seen Fitness Fanatic at all because he has a terrible work schedule that has him working most nights until 10pm. It also doesn’t seem like he has the thought to make time for me. He’ll just tell me when he’s climbing, doesn’t ask me if I’d prefer a certain gym or time. He isn’t accommodating and between that and the awkward money situation, I’m just not feeling it. Oh, well, one time he asked me on a whim if I wanted to come over when he was about to order McDonald’s. I wonder if that’s his way of getting me back for the Korean dinner that I paid for.

At this point, I was just leaving it up to Fitness Fanatic to put forth something a bit more planned, but he isn’t coming through. Though we still text quite regularly, I really don’t feel that excited that anything can come of it, so I’m just passive at the moment.

I did start to become more and more attached to Body Builder as he continued to text me everyday. My thoughts on this are that maybe he wants to wait to have sex, and I think I guess that could be cute. I go along with it, though his schedule seems to continue to be packed. He has social events almost daily, he’s trying to study for an exam while trying to keep a consistent workout routine everyday. He just doesn’t seem to have time for me, but more than that I don’t think he likes the idea that he has to make time for me. A few times recently I feel like I’ve been imposing by saying thins like, “see you soon”. I am starting to feel like he just isn’t feeling me in this way, and doesn’t know how to say it.

I feel like I am now more attached to Body Builder than I should be given where we are at with the relationship and the number of times we’ve seen each other. Objectively, I just wouldn’t feel fulfilled in a relationship where this is all I am getting. What I need in a partner is someone that would do activities with me, and Body Builder just seems too busy for that, or he just isn’t that into me. This just feels like all the wrong footing for a relationship, and it certainly isn’t a friends with benefit situation either. I’m not sure what I’m getting other than a texting buddy.

So I’ve decided that I’ll keep these two guys around as texting buddies until one of them decides to pull through a bit harder. I’ve been reciprocating and I just don’t feel like I can justify making more effort than I am now. I’ve asked both guys to do stuff with me, and even if they are actually busy and decline what I’m expecting if they really were interested is an intent to reschedule.

And so, I think it’s a good time to just go back on the dating app and find some new suitors to add to the mix. These two guys just don’t have the time of day for me. It’s even worse than The Motivator who seems to be quite willing now to at least accept plans with me when I initiate – and to be fair he’s also initiated with me at least one time.

I feel like my love life is just crumbs left by guys who are just not that into me. And this needs to change.

The Motivator and my “I’m Done” Attitude

This whole “being done” with The Motivator decision is working out well for me. He’s finally reluctantly come out with practice a rock climbing skill with me, but partly motivated by everyone including his crush nagging him to do so. I kept my expectations low, and thankfully I did. I was even expecting that maybe he might even invite someone else to come out with us, which would have been a distraction.

He didn’t invite anyone else out luckily, but complained about the drive there being too long, and then when we got there he seemed solemn, like he didn’t want to be there. We arrived there for 7pm, and I figured we had until 10pm (closing time). He made it out like he was already quite confident with what he was doing, and he gave me some pointers. It was my very first time doing this activity with him and so far I’ve been compensating by practicing at home. For my very first time I thought I did quite well. He just seemed bored and asked if we can finish early. The energy was low, and this time I just went with the flow whereas usually I think what I would do is I would try to lighten the mood.

We wrapped it up a bit early mostly because I felt that he just wanted to leave and seemed like he was saving his energy for some more intense stuff on another day. On the way back, I expressed how I’m worried about the test certification that we were going to be doing later in the week and that I felt cornered into doing it because it was a cheaper and only option that we had to get real feedback on this skill that we are practicing before we take it to the mountains, literally. He seemed indifferent about it, which actually relieved some pressure that I had about failing the certification test. But I got upset anyway, guess I was just bottling it up inside. I was just generally upset and said that today was really my first and only time doing it, and that I felt setup for failure.

In reality I don’t really know exactly why I am upset which is why I am writing this post to see if I can just get it out in my writing.

I’m upset because I feel abandoned. I’ve always wanted to learn this rock climbing skill and he has always given me a hard no answer on this. And then all of a sudden he’s agreeing to do this with other people. Yeah, I feel betrayed a bit, and it wouldn’t be a huge deal but now that we are going on a trip together where we need to use this skill and he’s still reluctant to practice with me. I feel like I’m kind of on my own trying to learn this skill without a partner and kind of in an awkward position where I’m not sure whether I should find someone else. He’s been on and off about taking the course with me too which is why I haven’t looked to do it with someone else And yeah I guess it’s my fault that I hesitated in just finding another person to do this with, but I feel cornered into learning this more or less by myself.

I think the most stressful thing as I think about this test that while I still think is our best bet at getting some honest feedback is that I hate failing and I’m setting myself up for failure with this test for the sake of us climbing safely together. I hate that I’m cornered into doing this because I feel like it’s one of my only options.

I feel that I’m cornered into this position, partly because of him and so yeah, I’m upset about it. And I think yesterday his demeanor – being bored, not wanting to practice and not even giving me the time of day really got to me.

It seems like he doesn’t even want to climb with me anymore, and as I think about my idea of being done with him, I’m glad I have it, because I don’t necessarily feel like climbing with him anymore. I never feel like he is being inclusive when it comes to me and that I’m just an afterthought to him. Can I say this to him? Yeah, but what does it matter? It’s my own fault that I let this go on.

He’s aware that I’m upset with him, he doesn’t really get why. I think he can come to a similar conclusion that I am clearly frustrated over having to learn on my own and not having his full support.

So he drove me back to my car which was parked by his house. I was clearly mad at him and expressing my frustration but not fully articulating why I am exactly mad. He pulls up to my car, I get my stuff from his trunk and he jumps out of the car, which I thought was a nice gesture. I throw my stuff in my own car trunk, he clearly wants to clear the air. I give him a short hug, he hugged me back really hard and it seemed like either he wanted to kiss or talk, but I kept it to that brief hug and then went to my car and drove home. Despite the hug, I think he still felt like I left him hanging. I feel good to be able to express myself, I think a lot of times I just cover up my actual frustrations with him with nothing or just pretending that it’s all fine.

It’s not fine. We are definitely not fine.

A Dream Epiphany

I had a dream last night that really took me for a ride and gave me some answers to the challenge that I’m having with The Motivator. I dreamt that The Motivator and I went rock climbing as we planned to in a few days. Things went according to plan, and instead of driving home we decided to stay at a hotel for some reason or another.

The hotel was peculiar and I remember wondering if he wanted to have sex with me. AS is a normal thought that I have about him. Another thought that I had about him was that I really didn’t want to have sex with him while I’m dirty. So I wanted to bathe first. We went grocery shopping and then went back to the hotel.

He went to shower first, and when I came in there were three different bathtubs filled with water, but some of these tubs were kids sized. I’m just trying to remember as much details as I can about this dream. I feel like it was significant to me. The part that struck me was that at some point The Motivator had turned into my first high school boyfriend. They do not even look alike. The Motivator is skinny and my high school boyfriend was quite chubby. And I think that I, in the dream barely noticed the difference. My demeanor towards him did not change at all.

And I think that’s what hit me. The Motivator and my HS boyfriend had so much similarity. I think the major difference between the two was that I slept with The Motivator and because of that I have this physical connection with him. So let’s go through the similarities…

Both guys were guys that I chose to approach. I opened myself up to them, thinking they were guys who were “safe”. They were “safe” in that I felt like, “surely they’d be attracted to me”, and also “I don’t think there are many others who would be interested in them”. At the beginning of the relationship, I really felt like it was truly my decision as to whether I was in control of the situation and whether I wanted to date them.

Both of these guys were emotionally abusive towards me in a similar way. Both gave me love, attention and they showed interest in me, and then withdrew this interest at a moment’s notice. With my HS boyfriend, he would get irate over something that I said and he would hold a grudge on me, and refuse to speak to me for about a week. Each month that we dated, he would spend at least one week being mad at me and not talking to me. At the time, I didn’t know how to react to that. I pretended that he wasn’t ignoring me, I tried to act normal but it was really difficult to tip toe around this. I felt like he wasn’t there for me emotionally because, well, he really wasn’t.

This is not all too different from The Motivator. He came in strong and then became entirely disinterested, but would still come back for sex or some seldom dinners. Similar to my HS boyfriend, he would come back to me when he pleased and I would accept him when he came back. Both guys also showed their love for me in the form of gifts. I would always think about these gifts and feel like they were so nice and that I’m indebted to them for these gifts. I would always think back to these nice gestures and think, “Oh, but because of this they must really care about me,”. Both guys were also very good at sexual stuff actually.

But thinking back, and perhaps because I didn’t get as physically involved with my high school boyfriend and so it was easier to pull away. I was in this emotional rollercoaster of a relationship for 2 years in high school. How did it end? Well, one time he got mad at me and stopped talking to me yet again and I decided that I was just simply done with this. Rather than being stressed out that this guy is again not talking to me and feeling abandoned and humiliated I just decided that I was done with all of that. Even thinking back to it, I feel liberated just making that decision. I just stopped caring.

And so, when he finally started speaking to me again, I told him that’s it. It’s over, and for once, I’m not going to talk to him! I later did say I was open to speaking, but he was far too childish to accept that from me. It felt good to be able to take control like that and move on. Although he created some drama afterwards, I never again felt the lows of being emotionally stressed out by him not giving me attention. I just didn’t care, and by that point I accepted that he could never change. He actually begged me to take him back afterwards, but I knew it wouldn’t be any different. I knew that I could do better for me. From that point forward, I just moved up and on without him. I didn’t have to worry about what university he went to or whether I was going to go to the same school as him. I wasn’t worried about whether he was talking to me or not. It’s not like I wasn’t sad, things were weird and it made it weirder that he would confide in my girlfriends about it and they would take his side, but in the grand scheme of things I don’t think anything was worse than being on that emotional rollercoaster he put me through.

Coming back to The Motivator, I realize that maybe my 16 year old self had more emotional control than my current self. I could choose to mentally be done with The Motivator and really, I have the ability to convince myself that there’s nothing here, but I’ve admittedly never ever chose to mentally be done with him. I actually choose to indulge myself in this fantasy of The Motivator, partly because it is so easy to. I see so much potential in him, and honestly the sex is really good and I don’t want to give that up. I think about all the gifts and experiences he has exposed me to and I credit him for that.

What I am saying is that I could mentally TODAY decide that I am done with The Motivator, and feel the same liberation that I felt when I decided this with my high school boyfriend. I can come easily, but I’m not choosing to. Instead, I am choosing to live through this emotional high and low rollercoaster, partly because I enjoy it. Frankly, the highs can be really high with The Motivator.

The thing though is that I can be done, at any time with him. I can have that liberation.

Mentally in the back of my mind, I’ve already picked a date to be liberated from this emotional rollercoaster of The Motivator. We have a group vacation coming up and I’ve been quite stressed out and feeling abandoned by him because he isn’t helping me with learning a climbing skill that I need in order fully experience this climbing vacation. And frankly, I’m sick of feeling unsupported. I do want to go and do my thing during the vacation and so I’ve internally decided to keep the peace until the end of the vacation. After this vacation, I have zero intentions on putting in anymore efforts with The Motivator.

I hate making such a finite decision like that, but just like my HS boyfriend, I was smart enough back then to know that he would never change. I think the difference with The Motivator is that I believe he could change, which is why I’ve held onto this for so long… but I think after 2 years I have to accept that no, it won’t.

I am curious to see how and if my mental with him will change in the next few weeks since we will be spending an awful lot of time together. What I realize though is that I can create the perspective that I want with this. I think I can even take the next little while to just feel out all of the things about him that I won’t be missing.

The Motivator – White Lies and Omissions

I’m going to let The Motivator go somehow. I know that I have this group trip coming up, and I thought about that – but I’ve been in this situation before with Mystery Man. I know better now. I was feeling a bit anxious about the trip and a few curveballs were thrown at me, like how the other girl that he has a crush on is coming and also various different AirBNB rentals have been chosen with differing sleeping arrangements that makes things awkward. Again, a situation that I’ve been in before with Mystery Man… which resulted in me sleeping in a bunkbed beside him… how awkward. But I’m better prepared this time and realize that The Motivator can manipulate the situation in any which way he pleases. If he had thought about wanting to sleep together then he would’ve made the suggestions to indicate as such – he’s kind of like this. So my approach? I’m going to sit back and watch this trip unfold without trying to manipulate it any which way. I’m going to sit back and watch it all unfold and not feel anxious about it all.

As I thought about that some more, I realize that he puts every possible amount of effort to try to create space between us in front of this group. Further, I think that the moment he basically committed this much to this group of friends I think it’s his way to diversify his rooting in the sport, in the local community. This might seem like I am being self-centered and not being okay with him meeting other people but it’s not that – it’s that he puts in a significant amount of effort into these relationships and at the same time he also keeps space between me.

Most recently, I caught him in a white lie. I asked him to keep me updated on when he will climb next and he tells me he has something scheduled with his coworker, details were hazy. Turns out, he was going climbing with some other girl in the group (not the one he was crushing on). I’m catching this guy in too many white lies and omissions! I don’t think I’ve met anyone that has told me this many white lies and has purposely omitted information in order to basically control the situation in his favour some way or another. This is essentially one of the most toxic parts of this relationship that I have with him I think. And it is also one of the main reasons why I need to create some space.

I think so much about all that he has shared with me and how he’s influenced my life for the better. But I only ever think about it from my point of view. Today, I thought about all that I’ve done for him and his life and I think it’s kind of important to recount that too. I got him back into the sport, was a constant and consistent partner and offered him insight into the life that I live, which is different than the usual people that he hangs out with. Because of me, I connected him with some of the friends that he’s fond of now, that he clearly enjoys. What else did I do for him? Oh, I’ve shared experiences with him at fine dining restaurants, and also saved him from finding someone to go on a trip with him. I also probably showed him some kick-ass sex moves too. That’s a lot already. I don’t need to keep going on, if anything I open doors for him that he probably never thought he’d experience.

My point is that this relationship we had with each other was mutual, I don’t owe him anything for the experience that I got and the learnings that I had from him. I can take that and go. It’s mine, and I am in no way obligated to pay a debt to him, or be more than friends with him. Just because he showed me these wonderful things, doesn’t mean that we should be together.

So, my plan is I will pretty much stay out of the planning as much as possible for this trip. I will let the trip just ride the waves and go with the flow. I will not pursue him now or during the trip and just not expect to have sex for the whole trip. Actually, I’m meeting up with my other friends with benefit during the trip (he now lives there) and we’re going to fuck anyways so there’s really no need for him. I’m just not going to drive anything, I’m just going to be as passive as I possibly can in this situation and ride where the wave takes me. I think the more I try to direct things the more anxiety I create for myself, more expectations and that hasn’t worked for me so far so I’m going to stop doing that.

The Motivator – Hypotheticals

I’ve been thinking about it more recently and realize that it would only benefit me if I put more space between The Motivator and myself. The thought process really originated when I was just kind of thinking about what ifs. I was thinking, what if I asked The Motivator to see if he wanted more out of the relationship and he by some chance said yes – what would that look like?

I just somehow could not wrap my head around how that hypothetical transition would work. The idea is actually cringey in that The Motivator would just be so awkward with our group of friends. And also, after being so dismissive of me, I would find that it would be a bit of a difficult idea to think that he could care and want to have something more with me. And this is how I think of this relationship that I have with him. I always have this thought in the back of my head that maybe he too wants more, but perhaps I shut him down earlier on unintentionally and he’s kind of withdrawn his interest. In fact though, I think I need to free myself of that belief. A romantic relationship can only be built if there are two parties willing to put in that effort to build something together. And while we have great chemistry, he just doesn’t want that with me.

One regret that I have when I was with Mystery Man was that I don’t think I kept my options open enough. While I was having a great time with Mystery Man, I was putting too much pressure on myself to also try to make a relationship work with people that didn’t feel right. I think I could have instead continued to meet new people and try to create new connections even if they were not long-term romantic relationships.

I think my relationship with The Motivator has many similarities to my relationship with Mystery Man, and I do think that this is my second chance in dealing with it in a more healthy way. I ask myself – what would I have done differently, and that’s basically what I think about when I approach it this time around.

I’m branching out, meeting new people now that things are re-opening. I went on a few dates, getting to know some people. I think that more space between The Motivator and I could actually lead to a stronger friendship connection with him. I also think about if we dropped our physical sexual relationship – would I want to see him as frequently as I do now? Honestly, probably not. In fact, being with him actually can feel a bit draining sometimes too. I feel like I am constantly putting myself out there whereas I think he doesn’t. It can also feel a bit fake because I can tell that we both don’t talk about our dating life because we don’t want to touch that topic with each other.

From what I can tell, it seems like he’s kind of moved on from the idea of dating this other girl in our group but it seems still apparent that he likes her. I also see his behaviour more now, and my initial impression of him was actually not correct. He’s actually quite flirty with women and will often open up in the same ways to different women: connection through messaging on an online platform, gifts, relating to in some deeper topics like music, shared experiences and drugs. Once the initial appeal is made, he is willing to listen and give advice as well as keep up with gifts and that’s basically the experience that he provides. And well, it’s a good experience and it is generally why he does well, but also why I feel like he might have a lot going on that I’m not aware of.

I realize that my relationship with him makes me feel insecure, and I think if he were more open about it to me then I would feel less anxious about it all – but, since he isn’t it is on me to deal with my own feelings. And I think if we were to be in a relationship together, I don’t know how I’d feel about it. He has many very close friendships with females with which I feel like he would have sex with, frankly speaking, if given the chance.

The more I thought about the idea of us being together, the more I realize how bad of an idea this could be. And that aside, the whole being together thing. I realize that I don’t think I’d be able to trust The Motivator, given what I know about him and his demeanor.

My point is that, as much as I have this crush on The Motivator, I just can’t see us being together as a couple. It’s unrealistic, a lot of it driven by him not wanting it, but also from other factors. His not being with me is a testament to him not wanting it.

In the past two years, I’ve created this fantasy of being with The Motivator because he and I seem to share so much in common, and I also find him to be inspiring and a positive change on my life. However, seeing us realistically together as a couple – it just won’t happen, at least not the way it is now. We’ve had a break in our relationship before and good things came from it. I was able to move on to be in a relationship with another person, he ultimately came back to me to express that he wanted me in his life. We’re stronger for it, but not without complexities. Essentially, he just threw me aside and went and pursued someone else, got rejected and came back. That fact is not something that goes over my head – it’s essentially what went down and he’s admitted that he was interested in this other girl in the group but she doesn’t seem interested.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that emotionally for me, the more space I can create between myself and The Motivator, the more I don’t care about it, the more I can actually benefit from it. This tension between us, this awkwardness is creating problems. The more I let go of it, the more I can actually enjoy the group dynamics and actually enjoy more of the good that could come from it.

Becoming my best self

The other day I had this profound realization that all I have to do is just be the best version of myself and also be supportive of others being the best versions of themselves. In the context of The Motivator, this means that I just have to turn a blind eye at his awkwardness about our physical relationship. He hasn’t figured it out and so he compartmentalizes our relationship, which makes things awkward.

When he came back into my life after I was dating Zen Master last year, one of the first things he said to me was that he really wasn’t talking to the rest of the group very much and that he’s still closest with me. A lot of things were said that I don’t feel was entirely true. I found out later that he very much was hanging out with these guys and had quite a routine with them too it seems.

I’ve always felt excluded from that and I think that was definitely a struggle for me. It’s like we have our fwb relationship (The Motivator and I), and then we each have separate relationships with the group of friends. He doesn’t bring me along and it’s his way of keeping things separate. Someone else in the group who I recently spoke about this to thinks that The Motivator is just not being mature about it all.

I think that simplifying the way that I thought about it – and just having only the pressure of being my best self first and supporting others with being their best self second helped me a lot. And the more down that path I go, and the more the whole world is recovering from the pandemic, the more I realize that I need to go out there and do things that take me outside of this very close-knit circle of people. Having this very narrow focus on this particular group of friends is extremely unhealthy.

So the more I thought about how I can be my best self, etc, the more I realize that I really should just get myself out there. The dating apps are back up and people are more willing to meet. I think I’m back to the mental that maybe I just need to have good sex elsewhere.

I had been talking to and even went on a date with someone from Hinge. Originally, this guy seemed quite promising. He is knowledgeable, a bit of a nerd, seems to have some skills in ultimate frisbee. He seemed to have good potential, but when I met him I thought that he was awkward and his lack of motivation in life and lack of self-esteem. It definitely feels a lot like all the reasons why it didn’t work out with myself and the Zen Master. He certainly doesn’t seem as bad as Zen Master, but I just feel like he lacks personality in addition to everything. I don’t feel like he’s bringing much to the table. I feel bored when I talk to him already. He admits he doesn’t know how to carry a conversation, and as someone who can basically carry an entire conversation, I can say that it’s true. He is particularly bad at carrying a conversation in person. I just don’t think it’s worth pursuing, but at the same time, I do recognize that it’s time to move on from The Motivator.

My view of the world cannot be affixed to The Motivator. I find many similarities in this relationship with The Motivator as I do to my relationship with Mystery Man. But I’ve learned from that now. I think looking back more objectively on my relationship with Mystery Man, I understand how happy he made me feel and I asked myself what I would have changed. I said time and time again that I would do it all again in a heartbeat, and that is true, but I think that I would have done it differently. Previously I thought about how I could have made it better with Mystery Man and I and how I could have brought a better version of myself forth, but in reality, what it boils down to is that I am just simply not Mystery Man’s type. I see the person that he’s with now and it’s a total mismatch if he was looking for that in me.

If I were to do it all over again with Mystery Man, I think that I would have tried harder to keep my options open, perhaps if not for a relationship then at least for fun. I think I could have also been more motivated with some of my hobbies while I was seeing Mystery Man.

These days, I feel really good about developing out my own hobbies, having interests that I actually truly enjoy. More so when I was in my 20’s and even early 30’s, I felt like it was more of a discovery. I was just discovering all the things that I might enjoy and doing things for the sake of just doing things because how else would I know whether I’d like it or not?

Now, I can say that I have more confidence in what it is I want to do for a living (honestly, thanks to Mystery Man), and I have more confidence in what I truly enjoy as hobbies (honestly, thanks to The Motivator). Both of these relationships have really helped me grow and so I wouldn’t dismiss it and say that they were unproductive, they just weren’t something that would stick really.

Now that I’m entirely impartial to Mystery Man, I can say that he was a part of my past. Even if we were to meet today, I don’t think that there’s much that I would have to say to him. Our lives collided in the way that they collided and I cannot be apologetic about that. I personally got a lot of joy from my relationship with Mystery Man, and if he was impartial to the relationship then actually perhaps I came out with more from it.

The reasons why I am so fond of both of these guys was that I was able to recognize that there was something about them that I found intriguing, that I found to be inspirational. I found both of these guys in my life inspirational and so I took away from that something very positive, even though I was heartbroken in both cases. I wouldn’t be the person that I am today though without these two guys. But also, I do credit myself to being able to see, be inspired, and act on this. I cannot give full credit to these guys. I saw the potential in them, and I allowed myself to be inspired and to strive for more in my own life. I think I sometimes short-sell myself on this ability. I cannot think that both of these guys gave me such a special gift – I have to credit myself for that.

Both of these guys have their own insecurities. I’m sure that they are both looking for people to inspire them in life, and so I guess it would make sense that the person inspiring is also the person to not be inspired – that’s the tough thing about relationship match-ups. Both parties have to be to some extent able to inspire the other in some way or another.

At this point in my life I feel like I have what it takes to inspire someone in a relationship. I’m just looking for someone to also be able to inspire me too, and be in a relationship that is a bit more balanced in that sense.

Feeling Butthurt – Head Above the Clouds

I’m still butthurt about it all with The Motivator. I take offense to a lot of things and feels like he often jabs at me. Today, I messaged him wondering if he had air conditioning because the weather has been unusually hot and humid. He said he did, but also that he heard that I might not (because I’m currently in another city on a getaway). I said I did, and then he asked if I was just going to stay inside – presuming that’s what I’d do. Then he tells me he went climbing just the other day. I’m put off by it all, I feel like he looks for reasons to not like me or the way that I am. I do actually feel that way. It’s like he’s got me pinned down for the type of person that I am, and I cannot escape that. I’m boxed in.

At the bottom of all of this, I’m upset that he is abandoning me in search of something that he isn’t able to feel satisfied with me. Although he seems very open and eager to spend time with me, and basically do our dinner nights – he doesn’t really care to climb with me anymore. And I feel so hurt by that. But I guess as I think back, the whole climbing thing has never been the centre of our relationship. We had differing journeys when it comes down to that. I’m saddened by that. I feel excluded too. He’s made it really clear that if I wanted to be included then I’d have to go and create my own connections with these other people in the group of friends and that he was not going to extend an invite to me.

I also met someone online that piques my interest, if just by a little. And the more I think about the idea of that – not him per se – the idea of having a more healthy and supportive relationship, the more I realize that I need to be able to let go of The Motivator.

Sometimes I do have a moment of clarity from this neuroticism that I so often express in my blog posts – and in that moment of clarity, I do know that I can pick and choose what I want from these relationships – not just with The Motivator, but from the rest of this group of friends also. The reason why I’m not as close to these other people is because I choose not to be – I could easily reach out to be involved, show interest, etc. I don’t, because I don’t necessarily care to be close to some of these people – they are just not really my cup of tea, and that’s okay. But then on the contrary, I don’t have a right to be butthurt about not being invited to come out when in fact, I didn’t want the invite to begin. I do know that I just need to keep my head above the clouds.

I think it’s too easy for someone like myself to get caught up in the intricacies of these social interactions. The way I feel, while valid, is not really objective. I know that aside from the sport, I don’t see a real connection with this bunch – actually the few that I do have more of a genuine connection with – I’ve chosen. I’ve actually chosen to be closer to the more wholesome members of this group, and actually in just saying that out loud, it makes me feel proud of myself. There are toxic people in this group, and I was able to see above it. And also that it makes me feel good that generally my choices in life are solid. And I think to me that is important.

The Motivator – Lukewarm

These past few days I feel like emotionally, I’m ready to let go of The Motivator. The only thing is that I kind of don’t feel like definitively doing it because 1. it’s kind of a chore to let someone go and 2. who knows? contingency planning in case in the future I change my mind, but honestly, probably not.

I guess for awhile now I’ve just been kind of lukewarm about it and I only really get riled up about it when get together or whatever it is that we do. For the first time in awhile I’ve been thinking about other life problems, and not just The Motivator and I realized that obsessing over The Motivator was a nice way to focus on a problem in life that wasn’t that important and in a way it made me have something to think about that I wanted to think about. Of course I wanted to think about it, thinking about all the joys he gave me made that easy.

I kind of just know now that the way he views me will never change and maybe that’s alright. I realize the main point that sets us apart is that he cares a lot about how he is regarded, whereas I really don’t care all that much about what random people think of me. I know when it matters to care, and when I have to read people enough to be able to give them what they want to see. It matters to him though how the general populous sees him, and in turn that makes some of my actions seem out of place. I think that he thinks that I am unaware, but in actuality, I am already aware, I don’t actually care.

Like when I fell for him, I really didn’t care what other people thought. My focus was him, and that too did not bode well with him. I was an embarrassment for him and he couldn’t have that. And I feel like the whole time I kind of just questioned whether it was something that I could have changed, but really it’s not something that I would ever consider changing.

I guess also recently I’ve just been realizing lots of things about myself. I realize that I have a lot to give others, and while I do believe that is true, I don’t have to give that to feel like I am helpful and deserving of the friendship or whatever. I should kind of hold that for me, and only give what I want to give. Sometimes me being mad