After an uneventful morning and brunch, volleyball coach leaves my place and I felt just sick to my stomach. It’s probably from the dairy that I had from the brunch, but as I look around my place with his dog’s fur scattered all over my floor and the strong scent of him lingering on my bed, I feel even more nauseated. I curl up into a ball and wait for the stomach pains to go away.
I finally get up and start vacuuming when I realized that volleyball coach had not recharged the vacuum battery. I start going through a cleaning routine and it occurs to me that I need to cleanse him from my own life.
He said a few things at brunch that made me think, this is it. This is the clear sign that I’ve been looking for. He talked about how he was going back to his “voodoo” i.e. natural path doctor, who has told him that he’s a bit high strung. He said he’s always been a bit overly anxious and not able to focus. Yes, yes he is like that and it makes me feel anxious too. I think that if I ever had a kid like him, I’d not be proud. He has skin conditions, he has psychological problems dealing with stress.
I also figured out when the turning point was. It was the stupid diet that he was on. I was dedicated to supporting him on his diet, and had agreed to go on this diet with him. The thing is though, the diet was making me feel very weak and ill. I wanted to push through, and I was initially stubborn about sticking to the diet but eventually caved and took a more balanced approach. Despite seeing me feel really ill and weak, he seemed to cast this aside because the diet was working for him. He told me that I needed to tweak this and that part of the diet to make it work for me. I really don’t have that much weight to lose, and he kept pushing me to be more aggressive with the weight loss.
My friends, my cousin all told me to take it easy. It’s this ability to put my well being first is what was the hugest turn off. Shortly after we went on vacation together and while he was caring of me, it wasn’t as fun of a trip because I was sick and on top of that I realized how unorganized of a person he was. Coming back from the vacation, I was still convinced we could work things out, but what really sealed the deal for me was when I finally went to the doctor and they diagnosed an imbalance in my gut flora and I had to take antibiotics. Of course I blamed this on him internally, even if I didn’t say it.
After that, everything he did made me realize or notice that he brings a sense of chaos to my life that pissed me off. The bed issue, the perpetually shedding dog issue, his flaky skin issue all culminated into me being constantly annoyed by him. I started to really analyze his actions and concluded that he really did not make my life easier. He tried, he did and last weekend we threw an amazing dinner party for my friends, but it just wasn’t enough.
He still is on this diet, which I still try to be supportive of, but now I try to put my own health first. That said, I cringe every time he talks about this diet, and practically obsesses about it. There is not a single time since he has started this diet that I did not hear about it. And because I blame him for unnecessarily pushing me too hard on this diet, and ultimately resulting in my stomach issues, I feel that he hasn’t shown a single bit of remorse. When friends ask how the diet is going, I tell them what happened to me and said it hasn’t worked for me, but he’s really quick to chime in to rebut and say that it’s a miracle diet that is working for him.
Honestly, any diet that reduces the amount of calories that he was consuming previously would have been an improvement for him. He is constantly dealing with weight issues and I cannot be a part of that. I can be supportive, but I feel like for him, it is a constant battle.
And maybe I don’t necessarily need him to feel remorseful, it was me that volunteered to also participate in the diet with him. It was that his reaction of me being sick was so non-nonchalant compared to my mom, my cousin, and even my friends. My friend Raspberry showed shock to hear that I was sick, and said he hoped I felt better soon and to take things easy and listen to my body. Volleyball coach was just shocked that this diet could cause such an issue, and when I found it difficult to take the antibiotics which made me even more nauseous, he would be passive aggressive about how I’m being irresponsible. I felt like maybe he could be more understanding and maybe say, encourage me to talk to my doctor about it possibly.
Honestly, I think I decided that he wasn’t good for me and then everything about him that bugged me just rose to the surface. I’m not sure it was possible for him to come back from that, but it certainly didn’t help that we were not able to discuss issues that bothered me about him such as his messy and inadequate bed.