Everyone is Back in the Picture Again

I had not seen Mr. International in a few days and I don’t know, I just didn’t really miss him all that much. I didn’t miss him because I didn’t feel that he adds to my life. We spend good times together, but it seems superficial. I really didn’t have a good time with him the last time we hung out. It made me feel anxious.

The Drummer Guy is kind of back in the picture, or at least he’s trying to be back in but I’m not sure about it yet. He wanted to hang out again this weekend, but I wanted to make time for Mr. International.

Mr. International cancelled Friday night archery tag plans with me because he forgot about a party he committed to. I really didn’t care that much that he cancelled. My only thought was that I should figure out what I did want to do.

I planned to stay in and I was feeling alright with that. Then on a whim, The Photographer asked me out for dinner. I said yes. To recap the last time we hung out, I got pissed at him because it seemed like instead of dating me, he just wanted a booty call situation with me. I was done with him after that, but he kind of redeemed himself this evening. He picked ramen for dinner and initially I wasn’t feeling it but then I enjoyed it so much! I love that he told me to order the larger portion and took initiative to order the sake for us. I missed eating with a foodie. My own inner foodie was so happy. It made me realize that I didn’t really like dining with Mr. International. Dining with Mr. International has made me appreciate dining with people who enjoy variety and complexity in their food, people who enjoy over ordering at restaurants.

I don’t invite him over and he seems fine with that. Good. That’s respectful. Then Mr. International suggests he will come over after his party. That’s sweet, he wants to see me. He comes over, I’m wearing a sexy outfit and he goes straight for my sofabed and falls asleep immediately! I’m pissed.

I message the Rock Climber. It’s late night Friday booty call time and I hadn’t heard from him. He responds immediately, tells me to get my ass over to his place. I contemplate it hard but can’t justify leaving my place at 3am for a quicky. I’m now wired, but tired. Not to mention that I’m kind of spotting and it’s a bit weird down there at the moment. I think that I would dread having to leave his place after the deed more than anything, and I’m not all that horny.

Who is really winning in this situation? Is it me? I have a number of options, lucky me. But what do I want?

If I pick The Drummer, I will be with someone who is stable and grew up with a similar upbringing. He will be loyal and I can trust him, but will I feel bored?

I don’t feel like I have a choice of being with Mr. International because if I did have a choice of being with him, I would have picked it already. I am starting to resent him for not being able to give more. Because of this, I don’t think I could love him. I was hoping that this would have more longer term potential.

The Photographer, at one point I could see myself with him but now I see too many of his flaws and it’s a turn off. Just tonight he reminded me of how it is to be with someone more likeminded.

The Rock Climber is not an option, just a side thing. It will never be more than that, but damn, it could be so much fun to continue. I have absolutely zero feelings for him.


Something Doesn’t Sit Right

Maybe I’m being hormonal, but something doesn’t really sit well with me about Mr. International. I’m feeling anxious and I’m not sure why, but I know that there’s a few things recently that just doesn’t make me feel the most positive about our budding relationship.

Well first, I have to confess that I don’t think the relationship is that serious. I just don’t get that vibe that he’s looking for that, and I chalk it up to it being a new relationship. I decided to take this in stride by continuing to see other people. We’re now three months in and I don’t feel like he cares about me being monogamous. I’m not sure if he’s monogamous, but he seems to be dedicated. There are definitely positive signs like him dedicating all of his free weekend time, calling me, and him being okay with me staying over at his place randomly on weekdays.

Maybe it’s in my head, but I was thinking that I wouldn’t introduce him to my friends just yet. And particularly, I have this female friend of mine that I just feel self conscious about introducing because she’s “the pretty one”. Well, it just so happens that we had a run-in. And immediately after this run-in, his texting me seemed to be much more sporatic. Actually, immediately after the run-in, he didn’t text me for a good 48 hours.

Just yesterday, I felt that I was triggered when I was already feeling upset and he joked about what would happen if he just called out my friend to hang out without me. Wow, when I put it like that it seems so bad.

There’s a lot of these small things that I notice. The other day, while we were walking, I noticed that he was texting his ex. I know this because I glanced at his phone and although he has never mentioned her, I know her name because he had things with her name on it. He has told me that he’s on good terms with most of his exes, including the last one but I don’t know if there’s hang ups there.

While he seems open to meeting my friends, he is apprehensive about swinging by my parents to pick up the dogs, but I guess that’s understandable. I’ve not met his friends, but he has recently invited me out to play archery tag with him, which is one of his friends groups.

The biggest thing is probably that we’re avoiding the talk, and I admit, I’ve been avoiding it too. I enjoy him, but I’m also not sure yet. It’s like having this talk can only result in a negative outcome. Either he says he’s not serious it ready for this, which means that I’m wasting my time and need to get back out there or he says sure we can try this out, which means that I’ll have to let go of some of my existing relationships with people in my life.

I look at him and honestly I’m not sure if this is what I’m waiting all my life for. I need someone that can be more dedicated, but I’m not sure if it’s because it needs some more time to develop or maybe it’s just not a good match?

Going on Birth Control After Five Years

I didn’t want to go on birth control pills initially because I felt like my sex drive is nice and high right now. I also feel like I’m genuinely happy with my life right now and when I’m on the pill, I feel like there’s a bit of dullness in my life. It’s like a stable and mellow state of mind.

I’ve not been on the pill or hormonal contraceptives now for over five years. Today, I had a great day generally speaking. I started to spot a bit and got scared that it could be because I’m pregnant (apparently that is a sign, when the egg implants itself on the uterine wall). I went to the doctor, not because of this but because it was on the way to lunch and I had some time to kill. I had been meaning to get a birth control prescription, and I asked him to give me an STD test too.

I purchased the birth control, but I still felt reluctant about it, like I’m giving up something by going on it. It’s funny how my opinion about that changed as the day progressed.

It’s the week before my period and I was feeling tired and so cranky! As I got into a cab to go meet up with Mr. International, I could just feel anger build up, over nothing really. And as the evening progressed I just got more and more annoyed by his dumb jokes and when he declined my kiss because he felt it was too much PDA. I’m not even sure if any of what I felt was just. He suggested we just go our separate ways after the evening ended. I was really upset about that even though we were both exhausted. He could sense it and said he would cab to my place. I was being irrational, and I knew it. I told him I’m being moody and it wasn’t his fault.

I’ve been told that I am moody by my friends. I brush it off and think it’s because they do things to annoy me. But maybe there’s validity in that. I do realize it when I feel irrationally emotional. And it could be good to see where things can go when I’m on the pill and there are less mood swings. It could be a welcomed change, and what I’m most looking forward to is not constantly worrying about being pregnant.

Drunken and Incoherent Rock Climber

Friday night, the Drummer Guy takes up my idea to see how much instant noodles we can eat. I didn’t really want to do ite immediately but agreed because he seemed keen. It went well but I didn’t feel like giving him any signals because it felt like we’ve already been there before. I’m in a different place than I was three months ago.

I was exhausted and right as Drummer Guy leaves, the Rock Climber messaged me past 1am. It was a booty call, but since it went so well the night before, I was feeling all sore but in a sexy kind of way. I was already thinking about the Rock Climber.

The Rock Climber and I had fucked two times the night before. It was great, and we had great communication about what we wanted out of our situation. We agreed that it is casual sex and we’ve talked about what we wanted sexually.

So I accepted his booty call and showed up at his place. He wasn’t there and said to meet at the pizza place near him. I walk seven minutes to the pizza place, only to not see him there. He was still at the club, he told me to go back to his place. Anyway, we finally meet and he’s more drunk than I thought.

He’s not fully coherent, but he did ask me if I was sore from the previous night. He started talking about how he’s a sex feign and all the girls wanted him. Wow, what a complex he had. I responded and said that I also had guys lined up for me, and he said, “Well that’s surprising because you aren’t even that attractive”. This isn’t the first time he’s made a comment about not thinking that I’m attractive. I know he’s drunk, but I think that’s unacceptable.

He then proceeds to ask me to help him take a piss. I say no, and he is annoyed, and immediately makes a phone call to some random girl. This girl wasn’t impressed but at the same time she didn’t seem to want him to hang up on her. I’m done at this point, walked to his living room and saw that surge pricing on the way home was crazy. He comes out of his room and convinces me to stay. I reluctantly agree at this point.

I always knew that I didn’t like the Rock Climber as a person. As a fuck buddy, I think it should be simple. As simple as just coming over and enjoy doing the deed. He started saying all these egotistical things and I just wanted to leave.

He asked for a blow job. I agreed, and it was going well and he seemed to really enjoy it. He wanted my clothes off but he’s too lazy to take them off. It didn’t look like a fun night ahead of me.

I eventually just got up again and left his room. I’m now in his kitchen figuring out how much I want to spend on the ride home (my new spending habits kicking in). I seriously contemplate stealing a bottle of unopened vodka from his home bar. As I was wondering whether him and his roommate would notice, his roommate comes home.

I got a good price for the ride home, accepted it and just left!

I’m not sure what to think now.

The Rock Climber is Back

The Rock Climber is back in town and he messaged me right before his flight back to see if I could get together. Clearly a booty call. Funny thing, even though Mr. International has been MIA, I’ve been quite busy. The Drummer Guy is back in the picture. He broke up with his girlfriend awhile back, and seems like he wants in again.

So I was actually hanging out with the Drummer Guy when the Rock Climber messaged me. Between the two, the Rock Climber is more exciting and to the point but I was already midway through the evening. I said no to the Rock Climber, suggested tomorrow or Friday.

So tomorrow came along and he seemed really keen still. We talked a bit about drinking / getting high and so I picked a bit of both up. Got home, was really tired but was too jittery thinking about having him over for actually the first time. I cleaned a bit, tried to nap, did some phone sex work and it’s now inching on 11pm. Nothing from him. I’m tired and midnight rolled around, he finally messaged to say he’s tired. I’m tired too so I welcome that and asked if he’s calling a night.

Just as I’m about to get out my vibrator he says he’ll swing by and asks for my address.

It’s kind of good timing. Mr. International has been distant recently and I otherwise would be all hung up over it. He’s apparently training for his 10k race this week. He also happened to tell me that he’s busy at work and didn’t text me for about 48 hours, which is unusual for us.

So I guess now I have three guys in the mix, and I feel justified. More recently, Mr. International told me indirectly that what I do is my business. And he also indirectly told me that I could fuck who I wanted so long as he doesn’t know about it. So what happened was that he found my vibrator under my pillow and I asked if he wanted to see it and he said he didn’t want to see the competition, but that I can use it when he’s not there. I asked, well so it seems you’re okay with me fucking whatever and whoever as long as you don’t know? And he said yes. Does that mean he’s fucking other people? Who knows right? I didn’t want to press the issue because I also knew that he could ask me the same questions back and I’m not ready to divulge details.

What I want is for Mr. International to step up and be that full time boyfriend. Though at the same time, I am not sure if I can love him. I don’t feel the same level of intensity for him as I have in the past. But maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not just infatuated. I think I like him a balanced and healthy amount.

I want to have the craziest sex with the Rock Climber while it lasts. The kind of sex that requires a recurring partner and gradual build, and the feeling of not being inhibited. Not being afraid to ask for what I want, because I’m afraid it could jeopardize a real relationship.

And I’m really unsure of what to do with the Drummer Guy, he just came out of nowhere again. I was into him before, and during multiple times in my life, but we just seem like friends. I don’t want to ruin that actually. And him and I are just really different people.

Money and Relationships Pt 2

This is may be the first time in my life that I’m more worried about my financial situation than dating. I think that when life is good, there is still always one aspect that is worrying. For years, this aspect for me was my dating life, it was always something that seemed unstable. Now that my financial situation is unstable, I wonder if things will smooth out in my dating life.

Things continue to go well with Mr. International. I think typically, I would be more about asking for exclusivity at this point, but I think I’m quite comfortable at keeping things more open-ended. I still have the fling that seems to be on-going with the Rock Climber. Even though he’s on vacation the past two weeks, he has been messaging me sporadically.

Mr. International and I started feeling a bit shitty, I wasn’t sure why but I just didn’t feel like we were connecting and realized that maybe it was because of the lack of sex over the span of about a week. We would see each other and sex just wouldn’t happen. Finally, I just decided to message him to see if he wanted to hook-up and then showed up at his place. It was just what the relationship needed, just a release. I stayed over and then I felt the mood of the relationship feeling overall better again.

This weekend, both Mr. International and the Rock Climber were out of town. I decided I would have a nice and easy weekend in. I took an Uber home and on the way home I asked the driver to go on a detour for some fast food. He took it as an opening to talk to me and asked if I like to get high. I told him I’ve only done it a few times and not recently. He suggested that we get high together, I was reluctant but he was persistent about me giving my number to him. I’m going to call him the Pot Head. So Pot Head was just that, he got some weed and gummies and I reluctantly rolled out of bed to do weed with him. We got high and I ate even more fast food before having him take me home. He did ask to come over several times, but I said absolutely not. I didn’t feel like I really connected with him and plus I have no more room in my dating life for another guy to juggle. Even me speaking to The Photographer sporadically is becoming something I want to stop. Just the other day he messaged me and it popped up as I was with Mr. International. I wonder how obvious it was that I met him from Tinder, since I put his last name as “Tin” in my phone.

So yeah, I wonder if me being all focused on making enough money will help me be less focused on dating and in turn somehow make that aspect of my life better? Maybe I was previously too focused on this one aspect of my life… I mean I even have an entire blog dedicated to it!

My money situation is not so good. I’m starting a business and things are unpredictable and sometimes I’m riding highs and sometimes I get surprised by how little I end up with at the end of the day. Today, I started panicking and logged back into my phone sex job and really went hard with it and even turned on my cam listing; I made a decent amount tonight which made me more relieved. If my business doesn’t work out in the meantime, I like to think that maybe I can live off earnings from this, but I realize that my relationship goal is to eventually move in with a significant other. I can’t do that if I’m doing phone sex!

Less than Positive Interactions with Mr. International

Mr. International doesn’t give me the lovey dovey, feeling in love highs that I’ve experienced in some of my past relationships.  I can’t pin point it but I know there’s a few things that make me feel less than positive about it, and maybe some of it is on me.  So, Mr. International likes freebies, and events with freebies and I suggested that we go to a few of these.  The thing with these events is that a lot of times it’s hit or miss, although I admit that the last two that I suggested we go to were misses because of me.  I signed us up for a cooking demonstration that would also provide a free meal… except that I messed up the timing and we showed up two hours late.  The next event was a dinner and investment event.  While Mr. International insisted on going early, I said it would be fine to be fifteen minutes late since I’m used to that with networking events.  Well, I was wrong, and fifteen minutes late meant that there was no food left!  Both times, he was disappointed, and then I felt bad and end up paying for dinner, which in turn makes him feel bad.

Another thing that I am noticing with Mr. International is that he is seeing that I’m not a big eater and tend to over order.  So when we go out now, he’ll suggest sharing what I consider a very small amount of food.  I’m not sure whether we’re doing it to save money or what, but I don’t enjoy it!  I’m a foodie, I enjoy my food and if I over order, I’m okay with taking it home.  I like variety.  This is also on me though, because I know he’s not going to say no if I say I want to order something, but I feel bad now when I over order.  I usually leave the restaurant feeling content, but not fully satisfied.

His sexual advances are really subtle, usually he’ll just suggest massage, and the last two times that happened, we’ll start kissing but it doesn’t necessarily lead to sex because of other factors such as the dogs cuddling with us, or me being really tired.  I’m up for sex 100% of the time, however his advances seem too subtle that it makes me feel like I’m having to push for it.  It also doesn’t help that he doesn’t want to stay over at my place on weeknights, so in the back of my mind, I have to drive him back home at the end of the night which is not a nice thought.  He offers to take a cab home, but if he’s going to go home, I also enjoy the car ride with him too.

I like him a lot though.  He treats me nice, I’m sexually attracted to him.  We’re on the same wavelength in terms of intellect, and we also have some common interests.  He loves my dogs and the other day we went for a dog walk, ice cream and he picked some flowers for me.  And maybe it’s just these last two failed events that’s making me feel negatively.  I think that two people need to share positive experiences with each other in order to progress a new relationship.  Part of this is me feeling guilty about my ideas failing and being hard on myself.