I Hold the Key to this Relationship’s Success

I just came back from a week-long vacation with volleyball coach.  Travelling as a couple is a test of the relationship, though to be honest in my past relationships every single time we travelled together was a pleasure.  I found that travelling really strengthens the bond that I have with my significant others in the past.  This was the first trip that made me realize what people mean when they say a vacation is a test of the relationship.

Overall, I had a great time on the trip though it really brought out some issues that made me go “WTF?!”.  I basically learned that volleyball coach is not capable of planning, and particularly not good at being flexible or having contingency plans.  I found out that his sense of direction is possibly worse than my sense of direction, which I didn’t think was possible.  I also caught him not washing his hands after doing a #2.  So that’s the bad.  The good was that he was very tentative and understanding when I wasn’t feeling well during the trip because it was my “special time of the month”.  He would voluntarily go grab me pain killers and was okay with me taking it easy.  Our vacation pace is also quite similar.

I came back having a lot of doubts about the relationship.  I’m used to having a significant other that is capable of taking care of me.  But as I gave it more thought, I think I forget that even my past relationships were not perfect, but somehow I was way less judgemental.  Mystery man was bad at organizing and planning too.  I recall one time I had to help him make reservations for a brunch before a clay sculpturing activity.  The clay sculpturing activity was first come first serve and we were so late that we couldn’t get in.  Mystery man was perpetually late, which resulted in my friends waiting on him often.  I was so blindly in love with him that I didn’t care.

It’s not that volleyball coach came up short on too many things, it is because I am not blindly in love with him.  He on the other hand is blindly in love with me though.  There’s a bit of a role reversal and it seems that I am now his mystery man.  He loves me in much of the same way that I loved mystery man.  And here I am finding myself on the other side, being the lover that love less, is more critical and is less blinded by emotions.  I had to think a bit about my position.

My position in this relationship is one of power.  I hold the key to allowing it to continue because volleyball coach will continue to love me blindly.  I might never feel as strongly about him as he does about me, but I have the capacity to love him, maybe not blindly, but in a more rational manner.  I can choose to treat his kindness and blind love with respect and allow him to continue to believe that I am perfect for him, when in my eyes it seems that I might be one of many people that can fulfill his needs.

I recently met someone who reminds me a lot of myself but is a bit older.  I told her about this revelation and she feels that I am mature beyond my years when I made the realization that a man that is loyal and can love you blindly is much more important than any other trait.  I realize that I am capable of taking care of and compensating for his weaknesses.  There is no need to be with someone that has the same strengths as I do.  I spoke to her about how I feel like the relationship just feels nicely stable and doesn’t have the highs and lows of my past relationships.  That means that I will probably never feel the highs that I’ve felt in some of my past relationships again.

The fact of the matter is that volleyball coach’s love for me means that he will be willing to try harder to please me than those other men who was not capable of loving me in this way.  Despite his stubbornness and other negative qualities, he would be willing to put in more effort and be more loyal to me than these other men.  And if I am able to recognize this and appreciate him for the man that he is, then I can be deserving of this love that he gives me.  And that is what love is.

I will never again be burdened by a man that casts doubts on our relationship, a man that will inflict emotional pain on me.  I am in control of this relationship and the key is in my hands to determine whether it succeeds or fails.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

You Can Only Love Three People Romantically, Ever.

They say you only truly romantically love three people in your lifetime.  If that’s the case then I may have already used my three.  My university ex-boyfriend who was my first real relationship and real love.  He was the first person that I loved romantically.  We were together for about three years.  I lost my virginity to him and to this day, I have no regrets about it.  When I think back, I can see why it didn’t work out and why we would not be good together.  I also don’t have any regrets about leaving him.

My next relationship lasted four years.  I also thought I was going to marry him.  I loved him so much and we had good chemistry together and shared a similar sense of humour.  While we were together for four years, there was one 12 month span that I recall being just the best.  I even remember thinking that if I ever thought of breaking up with him, it would be the wrong decision, because we had built so much history together and there were some truly happy moments in that relationship.  The last year of being with him was miserable as he started becoming jealous and threatened by my accomplishments.  I ended up leaving him, and long story short he ended up with my ex best friend.  My family and friends who also thought I was going to marry him, definitely approved of my decision to leave him.  It was a difficult decision for me to leave him, and I thought about it a lot, even years after we broke up.  He wasn’t supportive of me and would have held me back from experiences and things that I deserved.  I resented him very much at the end of our relationship, so much so that it would have been difficult for me to love him the way I had loved him.  I was too young and he was too immature.  If I had been older then it might make sense to try to make amends, but there was just too much out there for me to experience.

I dated a number of men since my ex-boyfriend from the traveller to socks jock.  Some of these guys had a profound impact on my life and I was very depressed and saddened when we broke up.  I was with the traveller and socks jock separately for almost a year.  I could see myself being with these men forever, but I never got to the point where I was seriously able to say that I love them.  I thought about saying it to socks jock, but I never did.

The third person that I loved romantically was mystery man.  It was unrequited.  I would verbally say that I loved him, but he never reciprocated.  And maybe it’s too soon to say that he was my number three.  What I do know is that one year after we broke up, I still think about him and in a romantic way.  We were only together for under two years, not nearly as long as I was with some of my more serious boyfriends, and yet he has shaken me.  I dream about him, and I think about him everyday even though we no longer speak.  It’s difficult for me to distance myself from it, and although time has helped, it is still quite recent and we had a deep bond because we practically lived together.  I felt that we got along really well, and we had similar personalities and I was always the entertainer that made him laugh.  I’ve documented this relationship in so much detail, and in short it was one-sided and very unhealthy.

I feel like I may have ran out of love.  While I like volleyball coach very much, and we say we love each other, it doesn’t feel like it has the same intensity that it had when I’ve said it in the past.  Yes, that is exact way I would describe it.  I am truly genuine when I say that I love him, but it does not come with the intensity that it has in the past.  It could mean that it is more real, or maybe it means that I just simply don’t love him as much as I had loved in the past.

When I am in a relationship in the past, I found it to be entirely consuming.  I wanted to be with my boyfriend all the time, but have to accept that it is not realistic.  I found myself shifting my life to spend more time with him, and sometimes neglecting my other relationships.  When I am with volleyball coach, because I think he fulfills a certain need of mine to feel secure about the relationship, I don’t feel like I need to spend all my time with him.  In fact, I find myself wanting to enjoy other aspects of my life.  The love that I have with him feels balanced, and healthy.

Volleyball coach and I are complementary to each other, however I am realizing that we are not compatible or share any particular sense of magical chemistry with each other.  It is not the kind of love that makes sparks fly, for the most part.  We argue a lot more than any other relationships that I’ve ever been in the past.  It is also very stressful to be with someone that is so different from me.  It is downright frustrating.

I don’t know how I feel about all of this, but I think that this is the time in my life where I am finally mature enough to deal with this type of relationship and possibly even appreciate it for what it is.  I’ve clearly been getting it wrong all along and this is the one time that I can say for certain that I am dating someone that is different than the rest.

Taking a Stronger Stance

Okay, I realize it’s that he’s really bad at planning and organizing and this bothers me a lot because it makes my life unnecessarily more chaotic.  I say he is a planner, but I think it has become that way because he has to actively plan out of necessity otherwise his life would just be out of control.

So for the trip that we’re going on, I planned the flights and the hotels.  He’s responsible for the transport (to and from the airport, between cities, while we’re in the city).  I also assigned him to some miscellaneous items like the travel insurance and cell phone plans.  I’m angry because his consideration for the transport to and from the airport is based mainly on cost and convenience of him picking up his dog from his parents.  I told him that I also have to work for a few hours in the morning on the day that we are departing and his solution is actually for me to stay over at his place and then come to his parents in the morning… so in my mind I’m thinking WTF.  Let’s say I’m going on this trip alone, what I would do is I would stay at my own place and work without interruption, and then arrange a direct ride to the airport.  Instead, I now have to stay over at his place on his shitty bed, go up to his parents place early and work there and then leave to the airport from there.

It’s just that I feel like I’m making too many compromises on my comfort level and my life in this relationship.  I don’t trust him to make decisions that take me into consideration.

So I told him that I feel like recently we haven’t spent a lot of quality time together.  It just feels like he’s fitting me in here and there.  Just last night he came over literally to spend the night.  He requested that we wake up early for breakfast, but I was like forget that I haven’t slept-in in ages.  We woke up late and then it felt like we rushed in a walk before he left for lunch with his parents.  Last weekend we played volleyball and I felt like his focus was the game and I hated how he shitted on my level of play.  Really, I felt his focus should have been spending quality time with me and getting to know my cousin and his wife who also showed up.  I felt like he left on a bad note.  Last Sunday we had this argument about his bed before seeing a comedy show that I booked a month in advance.  It’s basically that he doesn’t

I think that while I am not a planner, I don’t need to be because I’m naturally good at it and it is quite innate for me.  I know what needs to be planned in advanced and what does not need to be.  I also know what events requires me to be punctual and which does not, whereas he typically errs on the side of caution for many of these things.  It stresses me out when I he plans things to the tee, which then later can be really restricting and then I feel like I am rushed.

All of this makes me feel really resentful, the fact that he doesn’t seem to be able to plan things properly and unnecessarily puts a burden on me.

We also haven’t had sex in a long time.  I don’t feel like I can be in a giving mood because I feel like I’m compromising too much already.  It doesn’t help that his dog is always in the room with us.  His dog is overly attached to him and he needs to realize that there needs to be some space that has to be created.  When I did feel more frisky, he actually did not and while he would be okay with having sex, he didn’t want to do the work and he would not be able to finish.  It is the most unsexy thing when a guy just says yeah okay I’ll have sex if you do all the work.  His unfulfilled promises of bringing the frisk in bed never seems to come.

Honestly, I’d rather him spend more time trying to get his life back together than trying to spend unproductive time with me.

It’s just so crazy because this relationship that seemed like it was so good for me has suddenly taken a turn for the worse.  I suddenly feel like I need to take a selfish stance for myself because I feel that volleyball coach does not have the capacity to or maybe even willingness to make my life easier.  This relationship, especially recently has taken me out of my comfort level so many times that I just don’t feel like I want to compromise anymore.  I feel like the middle ground isn’t being met.

It’s very possible that it is me not taking this ground however.  I say yes to a lot of things that I really should be saying no to.  Had I known last night that he was coming over just for the night, I would have told him not to bother coming over.  Had I realized that playing volleyball with him means he’s going to be completely competitive then I would not ask him to come.  Maybe a relationship is about knowing how this person can add to your life and then honing in on those key strengths.  I don’t need him to come over and I don’t need him to come out with me to volleyball.  I just have this idea of how things could work, but if it doesn’t work out then maybe it is me who needs to change and adapt.  I could be more straight forward about when I want to spend time with him vs him and his dog.

He’s not necessarily doing anything wrong, he just doesn’t know what I want, which is someone that tries to put my comfort first for some things for which is important to me.

 

What is it Exactly that I hate about him?

While I like the idea of being with volleyball coach and even miss him while he is away, his actual presence annoys me.  It’s not that I want him to leave when he is here, I actually want him to stay, I’m attached to him but somethings just bother me.  So he was supposed to come over after he finished his fantasy draft today, but he didn’t contact me until 9pm.  I’m unflustered, and even started thinking that I might enjoy the bed to myself.  I’ve never been like this in a relationship.

So what is it exactly?  I think it is that he makes my life just that much more chaotic.  You know, I say he grounds me and normalizes my life, but lately he actually adds chaos.  He wanted me to go have lunch with his parents before I go to a wedding.  While I didn’t say no, I was relieved when he cancelled after realizing the timing won’t work.  His dog.  His dog smells like fish because he hasn’t bathed it in so long and it sheds so much.  While I don’t have any carpet in my small condo, after the dog leaves the entire place is basically a carpet.  It’s not so relaxing to even be with him because he’s constantly tending to this dog, yelling at it to shut up because it doesn’t want us to touch.  Seriously, it has a tendency to bark when we touch.

His diet.  It was an experience to try the ketogenics diet with him and now he’s decided he wants to continue.  I’ve transitioned back to more or less my normal diet after not seeing much difference and I’m honestly happy with myself.  He’s pointed out that I am actually picky with what I eat.  While I eat everything there are certainly things that I have a preference for.  This is true and I’ve accepted it.  He has a really tough relationship with food is what I gather.  He has no mechanism to tell him when to stop eating and some really bad habits of unnecessarily drinking sugary drinks.  His tendency to minimize food wastage seems to overpower his sense of feeling full.

He seems disorganized.  So we’re going on a trip this coming week actually and I had to remind him that he’s responsible for figuring out how we get to the airport.  He said that we were going with the original plan.  I reminded him that he was undecided between two options when we last spoke.  He had forgotten and said he wanted to think through the two options.  Sometimes I feel that he picks the slightly more economical choice even though it is not as convenient.

It’s definitely me.  I’m going through a lot in my career right now with starting my own business and all.  It is very uncertain, which is something that I signed up for.  I want to be with someone what has it together in terms of stability.  Gotta go, he’s here.

First Argument with Volleyball Coach

Volleyball coach and I had our first argument.  Of course, we argued about the bed that I absolutely cannot stand.  He was the best man at a wedding and I said I would help walk his dog midday.  So while there I noticed that his already shitty bed (see previous post) had turned into a laundry hamper.  Imagine what you think a drug addict’s bed might look like, and that’s basically his bed minus the piss smell and needles.  We actually had a good time at the wedding together and he was very attentive.  It was not until the next day that we argued.

I went home and felt so grossed out that I ended up cleaning my entire place, up and down.  I’m not at all a clean freak and while I am working I even hired people to help me clean because I was so bad.  I just felt so out of control of his place, every time I would bring it up to him, he would shrug it off like it’s not big deal.  It might not be a big deal to him, but by my standards and by societal standards, it is quite unacceptable.  It does not meet the minimum social standards.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a real relationship argument.  So we’re both fired up right smack downtown where there are tons of pedestrians out on the street.  Well, actually, he’s fired up while I’m trying to deescalate the situation.  His point is that I always make this point that his bed is shit (it is shit).  And my point was that well, it is shit and it bothers me and he has given zero fucks about trying to make me more comfortable when I’m over.  He says something about how he intends to move in 8 months anyway and that he didn’t want to move a mattress twice.  My rebuttal was that he doesn’t even acknowledge how I feel and that even just a small action to show that he’s trying like replacing the sheets, or getting new pillows would have suffice.

So we go over to my friend’s place, and he actually brings up the bed issue to my friends.  They immediately tell him that a grown man needs a proper bed, and he finally is now showing signs of submission into this issue.

I can easily buy new sheets for him, but I just became angry that was really not going to do anything about it.  I didn’t want to buy new sheets for him, because of me and then he wouldn’t even appreciate it.  The real issue is that he lives like a fucking bachelor and when I say it bothers me, he doesn’t give a shit.

I don’t know why things got so heated.  I guess I’ve always dated guys that were similar to me and I thought was very reasonable with most things because either we valued the same thing or things were not serious enough to make it a big deal.  As I thought about it, I slept on the most shitty bed with my first real boyfriend and I think I bought sheets for him too.  My second real boyfriend, we slept on a shit ass single bed (yes, the ones for kids) for a good 4 years!  But this is my past, I feel like I have higher standards now.

So in the end, he agreed for me to help him and so I purchased him a new sheet set even though he offered to pay.  I’m still really pissed about the whole thing, but if we’re going to try to resolve it, he’s going to need my help.  We differ a lot when it comes to standard of living.  I am a spender, and I believe that there are certain things that are worth spending money on.

It’s peculiar because I see in him many of the traits for which I broke up with my second real boyfriend.  Our values in money does not align entirely.  I feel that he gets stressed out easily and over things that I would typically not even blink an eye.  I see him cursing when playing games, while driving and once when he was struggling with taking a bike out of a car that was jammed.

Something else that bothers me is that I bought him a nice watch which he has enjoyed a lot this past year.  He has worn it daily and the band now needs to be replaced.  Instead of spending money to replace the band, he has gone on some foreign website to buy 3 watches for $40 and he thinks that maybe one of these watches could be wearable.  He told me about this and I told him that this is like me going to Forever 21 in my 20’s and buying a slutty outfit to wear to the clubs once to eventually have it sit in my closet until I throw it out.  He sees that I disapprove and pushes his point, I realize that even though I disagree with his purchase it doesn’t impact me if he wants to wear a $13 watch from China.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a relationship that is capable of making me feel resentment.  Keeping things in perspective, I actually think it is healthy.  It means that we both care and actually this relationship has been the most balanced of many of the relationships that I have had in the last 4-5 years.  Actually getting into an argument is not something that I’ve done in a very long time because in my recent relationships I was so focused on trying to make things work because sub-consciously I knew that the relationship was hanging on by a thread.  I actually feel confident enough to have the leverage to feel justified for the things that I want and this is new to me.

Somehow, I’m less afraid of losing him, because he has assured me of how he feels about me and because of that I am able to confidently realize my needs and voice them.  At the same time, this kind of frustration in a relationship is oh so different to me.  Usually the kind of frustration that I have is due to fear of the relationship ending.  I still think this is healthy for me, and I still think that facing these challenges helps me grow.

 

The Sims 4: Using a game to figure out life purpose

I went to a business seminar recently that discussed the benefits of having a life purpose.  This man who looked similar in age as me attributed his career success to having a life purpose.  He is a digital nomad and actually the exact type of guy that I would have dated before I met volleyball coach.  He was ambitious and aimed for things in life that is very much unattainable for the average Joe.  Anyway, I started thinking about my purpose.  I feel like I have a purpose, it is just a bit fuzzy at the moment and not one that is clearly defined.

Coincidentally, I started playing The Sims 4.  It is a simulation game that I’ve always liked and now that I have more time I picked it up as a way to unwind.  In a world where you can control everything, what would you do?  I gave that a lot of thought and decided to play out a life in the simulation for some inspiration in my own life.  I think how someone plays this game is indicative of their own life aspirations.  Of course, everyone has got bored with the game at some point or another and caused destruction, but that aside I found this to be a really interesting way to learn more about myself.

I played a female character, who I made athletic and charismatic.  She had a really cool funky short haircut that I could never pull off in real life.  I put her in show business and had her learn guitar.  My sim’s aspiration was to build a successful family.  In the back of my mind, I’ve always known that has been my goal.  The life that I have built myself, starting from the career path that I have chosen has been to have enough flexibility such that I can focus on building a family.  I’ve never been athletic or charismatic, but it has been something that I strive to be… maybe because at some point I didn’t think it was attainable.  Athleticism is just a complete failure in my life, but I’m probably somewhere in the middle of the pack and am fairly active.  I like to think that I am somewhat charismatic.  Luckily it is a trait that can be developed.

Starting off in the game, my sim’s love life was important to her.  The game had her naturally aspire to go on dates.  Wow, that describes me exactly!  My sim quickly got into an involved relationship.  I’m not at all traditional and had a baby before getting married or even moving in together.  I felt that my sim could handle it, although in real life I wouldn’t dare do this because my own mother would shame me.  I was quite career focused before getting married, but immediately after getting pregnant I cheated in the game and added extra cash and built myself a bit of a mansion, not excessive, but definitely luxury.  In real life, living a certain lifestyle is important to me because then it would allow me to focus on what is most important.  I want to spend time with my family and doing important things, not worry about sleeping on a hard bed or having to fight for the washroom.  I still had my sim work and develop skills even though she had a lot of money now.  In my own life, I don’t ever want money to be an issue.  I work hard in my career partly because I know money can make life easier, there is no secret there.

Anyway, aside from my domesticated life, I started playing another alternate life where I am playing a male sim who doesn’t have his own house.  He is a nomad and lives out of gyms, restaurants, bars, etc.  He owns nothing (except I finally purchased just a bed for him because other sims would not let him sleep in their beds).  He is a swindler, flirt, and my prerogative with this character is to have him just fuck everything up.  Flirt with every single girl, mooch off their house, sleep with them, impregnate them.  He is a womanizer and that is his lifestyle.  He hates commitment (actually one of the character traits).  It’s been a lot of fun playing this character, but what does that say about me?  Part me likes this thrill of seeing what I can pull off, not having any commitments.  I also think about the men in my life who have treated me like this.  Part of me is definitely hurt by their actions and want to know and understand why they do this.

It Doesn’t Have to be Perfect

I’m not about inspirational quotes or anything like that, but this one really resonated with me.  It caught my eye because it was spray painted on one of the Miami art walks, which was an event that I’ve been to before on one of my past relationships.  I’ve had many perfect moments in past relationships; my first time having sex was thrilling, and I had this one perfect moment with socks jock on Miami beach where he kissed me tenderly and we both just savoured the moment.

Every relationship has its moments, and sometimes when I look back at my relationship with Mystery Man, I dwell on the good stuff such as the time he cooked for me, the time we went to California together for my friend’s wedding and it was picture perfect, the time he threw me a surprise birthday party.  The thing is that every relationship has its ups and downs.  Looking back, it is easy to do lose perspective if you hone in on just the positives or just the negatives.  The relationship is a combination of both, and ultimately the story for Mystery Man in short was that although we had some nice one on one moments together, he disrespected me with his flirtatious ways and he plainly did not want to be with me in the end.

My relationship with volleyball man does not have to be perfect, as long as we respect each other and want to be with each other.  I feel like I might be holding him to these standards that might be based on all the good things that I’ve ever experienced with the men that I’ve been with in the past.  I want him to be romantically spontaneous like Socks Jock, caring like Baseball Guy, amazing in bed like The Traveller and great at cuddling like Mystery Man.  I don’t think that I’ve ever held such a high bar for these guys that I’ve been with in the past.  The difference was that I was infatuated with the guys that I was with in the past, which is why I was able to excuse a lot of the signs that things weren’t working out until the very end.

I’m not infatuated with Volleyball Coach.  This is the difference.  We have a different kind of chemistry, the kind that makes me think that he is the one for me, but this also translates into me analyzing everything he does and asking myself if I can live with it.  If I think about it, Socks Jock was so much younger than me, was still in school and while I visited him in Miami, his place was a fucking disaster.  There was so much dust on the ground that after I swept it up for him, I realize that the dust was a collection of dead bug bits.  I was annoyed by this, but it never translated to me not being able to live with him.

There is a lot of good things with the relationship that I have with Volleyball Coach.  We communicate regularly, he makes a huge effort to do things with me that he normally wouldn’t.  He is compromising, but some things need time.  When I said his car is dirty and full of dog hair, he eventually went to go clean it.  I’ve communicated what I want, I’m just going to let that sink in with him.  I want him to get a new bed, and I want him to put him my shelving unit, and I’ve told him that directly so I’m going to leave it where it is.  I’m going to let him dwell on it, and see what happens.

In the grand scheme of things, having a shitty bed and an unbuilt shelf shouldn’t be the end of a relationship.  Both things are easily fixable, but I think for me it was the thought that I am with someone that would allow this situation to persist.  It makes me also think that I’m probably being difficult.  I also experience a lot of mood swings, and what’s funny is that I find my relationships work out a lot better when I am on birth control pills and it moderates a lot of these swings.  I’ve written about it in another post before.  I don’t think it’s me being self-conscious.  I do hear from others that I tend to get moody.

Whatever the case, after some thinking, I realize that there is a lot of good in my current relationship and it is being over shadowed by these small annoyances that I can’t seem to get over, but in the grand scheme of things might not actually be as big of a deal as I make it out to be.  I’m going to see how I feel and go back to a more normal diet to see if that will help.