I feel really content being single, quite possibly too content? I really felt comfortable around Christmas time when Drummer Guy and I were spending a lot of time together. Drummer guy was my homebody and that was good, especially when my stomach issues were acting up. Once I got better, Raspberry became my doing stuff buddy. We did rock climbing and went out for drinks together with mutual friends.
I just felt disinterested in dating, and I still feel disinterested. The only reason why I got onto the online dating apps was to feel less emotionally dependent on Drummer Guy, who was already in a relationship with someone else. And while I think it worked in that sense, it’s this whole idea of trying not to fall for the wrong guy that has me putting up a bit of a wall.
I’m just in such a good place right now. I feel emotionally stable. I have a good relationship with family, my friends, and I feel so content with the work that I do. The major stressor in my life right now is trying to grow my business and making sure I get to spend enough time with my dogs. It’s a great place to be, and it allows me to REALLY enjoy the little things like cuddling with my dogs, and getting really into rock climbing, getting really into cooking. I feel really good about my mental state, compared to when I was in a relationship.
Being in a relationship is a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel traumatized by all those times when Mystery Man would disrespect me by flirting with someone else and the feeling that I got from it. It was like a sinking feeling followed by panic. And with Volleyball Coach, I remember feeling so uncomfortable in his presence because everything about his lifestyle seemed to clash with the person that I wanted to be. He was so insecure and I remember how I hated that he would be embarrassed of some of my actions. Just thinking about some of this makes me feel angry. I also remember the slew of guys that I’ve dated that wanted nothing more than just a good time and left me hurt namely, The Traveller, The Pie Guy and Socks Jock.
I know that I need to look past it all and continue to put myself out there if I want to eventually be with someone, which I still do. I feel like I am putting myself out there, but I’m treating the dating environment like a war ground where I’m constantly dodging bullets. See a guy who seems to be sex-driven? Immediately swipe left. See a guy who seems too sheltered and lives with his parents? Respond in a friendly, yet curt manner because I’ve already decided that it isn’t going to go anywhere. I feel like part of it is that I feel that I know more about what I don’t want so I don’t want to waste my time. I feel justified about that, but I do think that I could get myself out there a bit more.
I said yes to a dinner with a guy that I considered an acquaintance. It was a group dinner, and I didn’t inquire who was going. Turned out quite good with me knowing some of the people who showed up. He paid for everyone’s dinner using a gift card that he won from an online contest – score! He asked me to come out climbing with him next weekend. I like the idea of doing things that I would do anyway and just getting to know and meet more people. That was a really positive experience for me and I would like more of those types of interactions, but of course, it’s difficult to recreate these types of experiences, it’s just one of those things that comes along and you have to say yes to.
An old coworker wants to get together. I have zero interest in him in that way and I’m quite sure it’s mutual (although I’m not 100% certain and think he would be opened to hooking up), but I find his company entertaining enough. In my mind right now I’m debating whether it would be a waste of time to spend any time with him at all, or to go and indulge in a bit of gossip and story telling. I’m constantly weighing my priorities.