Evaluating Options But Not Looking to Date

Emotionally, the break-up with volleyball coach was a relatively easy one for me.  I already am starting to feel much better.  The thing is that he just didn’t really fit in my life.  While I made time for him, I felt like the activities that we engaged in were mundane and unproductive.  Things just became more work than it needed to be.  For example, if I wanted to take the dogs out for a walk, I can just get up and do that.  If I wanted to take the dogs out for a walk with volleyball coach, it feels like an entire ordeal with scheduling and arranging the activity.  He wasn’t a just go with it kind of guy.

I don’t think that I’ve ever had more agreement from friends and family that he just wasn’t right for me.  My friend Raspberry guy thought that maybe I could have put in more effort, but realized that exiting the honeymoon phase too early was an issue.

Raspberry guy is my platonic former colleague and friend.  We get along well.  I set him up with one of my girlfriends last year and it didn’t work out.  We’re quite close, and I think many mutual friends wonder why we aren’t together.  I often wonder this as well, but I just don’t feel like there is anything physical there.  I also feel like as I get older, my group of friends feel like it is dwindling and I feel like I need him more as a friend in my life.

Drummer guy continues to see me regularly.  He is also a platonic friend, since high school actually.  I had a crush on him in high school and unlike Raspberry guy, there is definitely something there between us.  The on and off messaging between him and I throughout the years is not that of a normal platonic friend.  He’s just never made a big enough move on me.  Now, I feel like we’re seeing each other more than ever, always coming to each other’s places to watch this comedy series or to play games, or to build furniture.  It’s important to note however that Drummer guy just recently started dating someone.  I feel like he is weighing his options (with me) for sure though.

I like Drummer guy, and I also feel there is something there, but like in the past, I just feel like he would need to make a bigger gesture.  Timing right now is off since he just started seeing someone else.  I feel like he’s touchy with me when we are alone and watching shows.  I do feel something physical with him for sure.  There are things about him that makes me unsure however, and that coupled with his non-direct approach makes me apprehensive.  I feel that if he wants to keep me on the sidelines then it would be fair for me to see him in the same light.

Right now, I’m not actively looking to date because I feel immersed in my work.  As a budding entrepreneur trying to hold it together, it becomes more difficult to find the time.  Also, I feel like I’m only just beginning to feel better from the stomach issues that I’ve been having.  I’m also only starting to get back into the groove of things as a newly single woman.

There is however one opportunity that intrigues me.  I was at a work conference last week, and I was telling people that I am single.  One lady there offered to set me up with her brother.  I said I was open to it.  She knows that I just recently got out of a relationship, so she said she would give it some time.  I’m interested to see how this will pan out.

As for volleyball coach, I decided that mentally, it would just be better for me to not speak to him.  Given our paths would not have normally crossed had we not met online, I don’t think it is a good idea for us to maintain any type of connection.  It is a burden to think of how I would approach that and I just don’t see the benefit.  Mentally, and emotionally, it would just be easier for me.  If he went out of his way to maintain a friendship then that’s one thing, but I think he would understand if I didn’t want to be friends.

A close friend of mine told me that part of it is not wasting time on the guys who are not the right ones, to cut the losses short.  I’m finding this to be an important lesson in both my personal and professional life.  Since starting my business in the last few months, I’ve fired a handful of people after debating whether I should continue with them or not.

 

 

 

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I was attached to him

Despite thinking that I wasn’t as emotionally invested in this relationship as I had been in my past relationships and despite thinking that I would feel a sense of relief when things would end between volleyball coach and I, I actually feel immense disappointment.  Like many of my other break-ups, I wake-up quite early and I feel a sense of loss.  I can’t say that I truly loved volleyball coach, but I was certainly attached to him.

As much as loathed him at times, and felt that he was defiling my space, we did have times where we connected.  I really enjoyed telling him about my day, and I really enjoyed getting his thoughts about certain aspects of my business, particularly the hiring bit.  I like doing engaging things with my partner.  Taking a bike tour while we were on vacation and cooking together was amazing.  There was even a few times when we played volleyball recreationally that was really fun.  Thought what I know is that while these bonding moments are the glue that holds together a relationship, it is the hard times that truly determines whether a relationship can last.  Conflict resolution is so key.

I feel pressure that he’s left it on me to reach out to him.  While I have no interest in actively pursuing a friendship with him, I do feel a certain obligation to say something.  For some reason or another, I am just not friends with my ex-boyfriends and immediately after the break-up, I always think that I should keep on good terms because it is a small world and one day we will encounter each other.  The fact is however it is so rare for me to see any of my ex-boyfriends even though for many of them we have mutual friends.  Many times, I realize that I don’t need the mutual friends, particularly if they were his friends first.

My life seems quite filled at the moment with work and friendships.  I am not in a position to date either.  I just don’t have the brain capacity to craft a message to him and I just don’t want to be thrown by what his response would be.

 

Letting Go of a Dream

I do feel really down about not being with volleyball coach any more.  It was just a relationship that moved so quickly and got so serious before we even knew what it was.  Having enough experience in dating now, I think I would look back at this like it was really nothing.  For example, I dated socks jock and at the time I was really devastated when we split, but looking back at it now it wasn’t that significant a life event for me.  In the example of socks jock, I think I always knew it wasn’t going to work out, but I loved that this very handsome model-type guy had the hots for someone like me.  I wanted to live out that fantasy and savour each moment of it.

Similarly with volleyball coach there was a reason for our relationship.  I wanted to know what it would be like to be with a man that was everything mystery man was not.  I wanted to be with someone that was dedicated, and wanted commitment.  I wanted to be with someone who had more passion for me than I had for him.  I admit I wasn’t initially into volleyball coach and as we were growing closer, I did have optimism that things could work, but that was the thing – the relationship with volleyball coach was definitely work.  I’m not afraid of work in a relationship, and part of me was curious to see where it could go.  In my mind, the relationship was a test to see if it was just a matter of going for the guy that didn’t seem to be the obvious choice.

In many parts of my dating life, I was presented with two contenders that stood out.  I always went with the one whom I liked more and had more passion for – example case – baseball guy and mystery man.  I never considered the guy’s intentions for me, just as long as there was some interest there.  Looking back, I felt that maybe I always picked the wrong guy.  This time, I went for a guy that seemed more like the runner-up.

This is the longest that I have dated anyone that I wasn’t crazy about.  I almost accepted that maybe most relationships were like this.  One person having more passion than the other, but of course both parties mutually wanting to be with each other because there is a common goal.  I loved the idea of volleyball coach’s happily ever after life.  He seemed to want the happily married life, with a house in the suburbs and kids.  I was completely bought into that idea, but as the vision became more refined and I started seeing the “fine print”, I wasn’t so sure about whether we wanted the same things anymore.

He seemed okay with having “just enough”, and living a comfortable life, whereas I want to strive for a bit more than that and trying to give my future family a leg up where possible.  I get the feeling that he wants everyone to be on the same playing field, but I just don’t think that’s how the world works.  I think he hated that my parents give me a boost in life financially, but what he didn’t see was that I worked hard to get where I am today and it was just the recent year where my parents helped me out more so that I can start a business.

We didn’t agree on cleanliness and basically I just think he is filthy.  We didn’t agree on how to spend money.  He thinks I’m frivolous with my money, whereas I think that I give a lot more thought into what I spend on compared to how he makes a lot of small purchases without thinking.  We don’t seem to be compatible in the bedroom.  We don’t agree on how to raise dogs.  He treats his dog like a child, but also does what I consider neglect, which is to feed the dog foods that give it diarrhea and not bathe it for months (and continue to let it in the car and bed).  He doesn’t think I discipline my dogs enough and think that it is irresponsible that I leave my dogs at my parents too often.

These small things are actually very big and fundamental issues.  The life experiences that make up who we are, are just much too different.  When I speak to my friends and family about it, they think he’s childish, and to be honest, I do too, but I wonder if maybe it’s just a different perspective that he has which I cannot appreciate.  It’s not that my friends and family back me up all the time, but since they are in my circle, they are more likely to have similar views as me.  I go over to my friend’s house where they just had a baby and I love spending time with them and think that the way they raise their kid is so great and exactly how I’d like to raise a child.

I learned a lot about myself from this relationship, and I was not passionately in love with volleyball coach, but even still, I feel quite sad and I feel a huge sense of loss.  I really did want all these things with him and I wanted my happy ending.  The end of our relationship also is me having to let go of that dream that would never be (at least not with volleyball coach), and it’s sad in a way and in a very small way it was a bit of a relief to not have to accept a reality where love was so far off from what I thought it should be.

Yes, a part of me questions whether I might be too inflexible, whether I should have been more patient to allow him to come into his own.  I think it’s important to look introspectively, and question yourself to see how you can become a better person, a better partner in the future.  The other side of that though is also knowing where you cannot be flexible and what values you hold strong to.  It’s all very complex and confusing.  It feels daunting just not knowing what will happen.  I feel like my love life has been something that I’ve been trying at very seriously since my early 20s and here I am, a decade later and I still haven’t figured it out.

Mystery man was on my mind for a large part of this relationship, and it is difficult to admit because I realized it was unfair of me to think about my ex during this relationship.  I figured that in time, those thoughts would go away, and it did, but it certainly held me back emotionally.  Though I can say that in the last few months, I didn’t have those thoughts, things had started spirally downwards for other reasons.

In retrospect, I honestly don’t think I could have done anything differently to make this relationship work.  I think that the best I could have done was to end it earlier and save us both time, but it really wasn’t time wasted given how much I learned about myself.

 

Was Volleyball Coach Gay?

I’ve been going on and on about my issues with volleyball coach for some time now, and maybe it is getting a bit old.  I need to think about it in a more introspective way.  Firstly, I made a mistake with dating volleyball coach.  I wasn’t so sure about him in the beginning and then his adoration of me and his simplicity drew me towards him.  It made me intrigued and made me re-think how I thought an ideal relationship ought to be.  About five months into it, I knew he wasn’t the one.  I knew he wasn’t the one because there were very fundamental differences that made it very apparent that there would be major challenges in the relationship.

The first of what I noticed coming back from the camping trip with him (and his friends) was that money was divvied right down the middle.  Everything was fair and square.  I overheard one of his friends talk about me eating all of their coconut clusters.  I was mortified!  I felt that I contributed by bringing a ton of frozen meats and helping out with what needed to be done.  There was definitely a shortage of food, and a whole lot of confusion and drama during the trip and I just didn’t understand why things had to be so petty.  After the trip, it didn’t help that volleyball coach took the longest to payback our share of the bill which led to multiple reminders from his friend to pay him.  While I offered to pay, he adamantly told me not to.  Anyway, all of this caused me a lot of stress because I’ve never been in such a situation before!  My friends and family, with very few exceptions are very giving and generous and I felt very awkward being put in this situation.

We spoke about money to some extent.  He felt that I shouldn’t hire people to do cleaning and handyman work, but later in the relationship he seemed to come to terms with it.  He was not clear on where he stood when it came to this and it seemed he was swayed by my actions.  When we were shopping for his clothes, I can see that he was very conflicted.  I think he is going through a bit of a transition phase on how he thought about money and spending, but we didn’t see eye to eye on it anyway.

The other thing that I realized early on was that the sex was frustrating.  I didn’t feel like he appreciated my body.  Usually when I sleep with a guy there is attraction, and there is desire.  I can see their eyes on my body and they would ask me to take my top off, or admire my body as I walked around naked or make comments to make me feel sexy.  There was none of that with volleyball coach.  Many times during sex, especially when he was on top, he would get tired, soft and just stop.  Just like that!  Down the line, he brushed this off as “timing differences”, but I really don’t think it is.

In retrospect, I think that the issues that I realize were apparent early on were the real issues, and everything else that I complain about became more and more petty.

Okay, this blog post is going to take a bit of a pivot because as I thought about the sex bit more, the more my thought goes back to some nights when I actually think he could be a homosexual.  I did quite a bit of research on this, but I didn’t come to this conclusion into much later in the relationship.  “Signs that your boyfriend is gay” has been searched in incognito mode multiple times.  So aside from the lack of sexual desire and not enjoying cuddling, he was always looking to change himself.  He didn’t seem happy with his body and always had some kind of ideal fitness goal, hence the diet.  Not only that but he always seemed like he wanted to go shopping for a new and improved wardrobe.  His closest friends were female friends.  He actually has quite the eye for fashion, even though he is okay with dressing in plain clothes.  There just seems to be too much evidence that he could be gay.  I don’t know if he actually is gay or not but I’m going to say that I would not be surprised if he were.

Right, so introspectively, I think these two key points (not sharing similar views on money, and lack of intimacy early on in the relationship) should have been enough for me to call it quits.  On top of that, I personally did not feel that special feeling that one ought to feel when they are newly dating.  I felt fulfilled, and loved in a way that I had never felt before.  I adored the attention, and we seemed to share the dream of living happily ever after.  I just didn’t have this desire for him.

I knew this wasn’t my happy ending.  I also knew that if this were to be my happy ending, it wouldn’t be that happy of an ending given all that I had gone through.  If I went through everything that I did in my dating life, to end up in a lack-lustre relationship with volleyball coach then I think there is just something sad about it.  At some point I questioned whether I was mistaken to date men that I had this crazy blind love and desire for (ahem, mystery man), and that I should have dated someone who I could like in a more stable and toned-down way.  I even thought at some point I had corrected the mistake that I was making with the other men that I dated.  I like to think that I dated someone who was opposite to the mistake that I made when I dated mystery man.  I wanted to stray as far away from that mistake as possible, but it turns out that volleyball is just another one of my mistakes.

I’m Diagnosing Volleyball Coach with Asperger Syndrome

I seem to like to do a deep analysis of my ex-boyfriends and I guess volleyball coach is no different.  I try to think about what makes a person; all the good and bad things about them.

I’m making a diagnosis for volleyball coach that he is on the autism spectrum, and specifically that he has Asperger syndrome.  So here is my case:

“People with Asperger syndrome usually have good language skills, but they may still find it hard to understand the expectations of others within conversations, perhaps repeating what the other person has just said (this is called echolalia)…”

If I speak in generalities about say, weekend plans he has a difficult time trying to figure out what he needs to do.  He will often ask me to repeat what it is that we are doing and lay it out for him in a timeline fashion, which he would repeat and ask for details.

When I told him that the he needed better bedsheets because women like nice bedsheets, he did not get the hint that he should get bedsheets.  When the issue came up down the line he said he thought that I was joking or wasn’t serious when I asked him to get new bedsheets.

 

People with Asperger syndrome may “Appear to be insensitive, seek out time alone when overloaded by other people, not seek comfort from other people, appear to behave ‘strangely’ or in a way thought to be socially inappropriate”

This is true of volleyball coach!  I can see the way he is unknowingly insensitive to some of the people on his volleyball team.  I’ve seen him directly ignore one of his player saying goodbye to him, and just kissed me goodbye instead.  He didn’t realize that one of his player had not eaten breakfast while we were going through a drive-thru and did not ask if she wanted anything.  When I brought over the cake for him, he strangely did not offer it to his roommate because he didn’t pick up on the cue that his roommate wanted some.

I brought him to a wedding and more than half the time he pulled me aside to try to get away from it all even though he knew other people there.  We missed out on many photographs.  I thought I enjoyed my alone time, but it was not appropriate of him to seek out solitude given the social setting.

“The world can seem a very unpredictable and confusing place to people with Asperger syndrome, who often prefer to have a daily routine so that they know what is going to happen every day. They may want to always travel the same way to and from school or work, or eat exactly the same food for breakfast”

This is the main reason why I thought volleyball coach could be good for me and the bane of his existence.  He wakes up early every day, walks his dog, has his breakfast which was up until he started the diet toast everyday, goes to work, and does sports on a schedule.  Before he met me, he didn’t even use a calendar because everyday was the same, every week was the same.

“The use of rules can also be important. It may be difficult for someone to take a different approach to something once they have been taught the ‘right’ way to do it. “

Absolutely.  This was his approach when it came to volleyball.  He had this notion that most players had poor grasps of basic volleyball skills and they all had to go back to re-learn the basics.  This is why he made me move from the intermediate class to his own beginners class.  He showed frustration because people who knew how to play the game and wanted to play it for fun did not want to go back to the basics for the entire class.

I went to his class and frustratingly listen to him explain the bare bone fundamentals of the sport to players who were also frustrated and just waiting for him to get to the point and start getting into the doing part.

Every weekend he would ask me what the plan was.  Unless I had something big and planned in advance, I prefer to have an unstructured weekend.  If I move things around too much, he didn’t like it.

“Many people with Asperger syndrome have intense and highly-focused interests, often from a fairly young age. These can change over time or be lifelong, and can be anything from art or music, to trains or computers.”

Yep.  He had a few highly-focused interests.  He likes strategy in general.  He loves volleyball and is very serious about the strategy behind it.   He also watches YouTube videos about volleyball and told me that he was one of the few players that picked up the sport as quickly as he did as an adult.  Given his physical limitations, I think that he has mastered this highly-focused interest of his.  When he was younger, he was in to competitive magic cards, which apparently according to him means it requires a very deep knowledge of all of the cards from various editions.

“People with Asperger syndrome may also experience over or under sensitivity to sounds, touch, tastes, smells, light, colours, temperatures or pain.”

And lastly, this explains why a grown adult man has to sleep in his pyjamas and is so attached to his blankets (which are actually towels).

So, autism, and specifically Asperger is what I believe volleyball coach has.

Volleyball coach also has been diagnosed (professionally) with psoriasis, an auto-immune skin disease that causes skin flakiness.  Instead of going to a dermatologist, he only goes to a naturalpath who prescribes vitamins and a secret blend of powder that looks to be turmeric to be applied.

Okay so what I didn’t know about psoriasis is that if it gets bad, it can cause arthritis.  He often wakes up feeling sore, but as I read the symptoms of psoriatic arthritis more thoroughly he actually assumes many of these symptoms including the sausage-like fingers and toes, to the constant complaint of stiffness, to reduced range of motion, to the diarrhea.

Am I going to tell him that he has autism and arthritis? No.  I don’t see the point.  I’ve told him to go to real doctors and he isn’t listening to me so there is no point in saying that I’m convinced that these are his diagnosis.  I’m not a doctor.  Something just caught my curiosity about volleyball coach and some of his odd actions as I mulled things over and made me think that he is a bit different.

Source:

http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asperger.aspx

http://www.arthritis.org/about-arthritis/types/psoriatic-arthritis/symptoms.php

 

 

Intent is Not Enough

Last time I mentioned how volleyball coach walked out on me, because we got into an argument about, you guessed it, his bed and sleeping in beds.  I was a bit upset, but not overly stressed out about it.  I knew that this could mean the end of our relationship, given that the relationship was already hanging on by a thread.  I’ve written extensively about how I felt that we should break-up and that we weren’t good for each other, but as close as I have been to pulling the plug on the relationship, I never did.

A part of me just wished that he could have came back to turn it around.  A bit of me hoped that the part of him that I saw to be willing and loving was enough to actively bring this relationship back on track.  I wanted to know whether he would be willing to invest in the relationship, give to it in a way that showed me his devotion.  I think if I could see that he could leave his ego behind and be devoted to us then I think it would have convinced me.

It was a bit too late for him to just action on the things that I asked for.  At this point, that wasn’t enough for me.  I wanted him to be able to think for himself about what I needed and what actions he could take to really show that he was committed to the relationship and able to put it ahead of his own needs.

Yes, a part of me feels like I’m being overly demanding, but the other part of me knows that the only reason it came to this was because all of these small things happened to portray the image that he isn’t willing to or is capable of showing that he loves me by conceding and letting me have what I want because it is more important in the grand scheme of things.  In the end it wasn’t about the bed anymore, it was how the situation was handled, and how it made me feel.

The other part that I couldn’t get over was the lack of sex and passion.  It makes me feel awful that he didn’t seem to want me, actually to the point where I questioned his sexuality.  I’m convinced he didn’t find me to be sexy.  Even as we talked about this openly, he chalks it up to bad timing.  It’s not bad timing, but I think he has a certain formula for sex to go down, and I’m sick of it because this formula of his is skewed.

He would typically initiate by coming behind me (fully clothed) and humping me, which is a huge turn-off.  He doesn’t like making out and he doesn’t like doing any of the foreplay stuff like fondling breasts or massage.  He also never goes down on me.  He does however does things like put my hand on his dick or asks me for a blowjob.  So that’s how he initiates with me.  Then after he gets enough stimulation, he will want to get right into it.  If he’s really ambitious, he’ll go top for a bit until he’s tired, otherwise he wants me on top, which is nice sometimes, but not all the time!  So far, he’s only finished with me on top.  If I don’t finish, he doesn’t bother to manually stimulate me, unless I ask.

I was avoiding the inevitable phone call.  He called yesterday, but I said that I was out.  I knew if it came down to me making a decision, it would be that I don’t want to go on with the relationship.  How can I go on?  I just went back to my blog posts dating back to late August, and I was loathing him since then, with each post getting darker as I grew more and more resentful.

I know I’ve said that I wasn’t ever head over heels infatuated with volleyball coach, and I know that a large part of that was because I was too scared to be hurt again after mystery man.  I still feel a sense of loneliness and emptiness though.  The moment that I realized he wasn’t the one and that he wasn’t going to come around and try to win my heart over, I felt like I died a bit inside.  I have a sinking feeling in my stomach, which is probably not going to make my health situation better.

I realize that there is an upside to this.  I already know some of the things that I would like to change about myself after this relationship.  It had taught me more about myself, but I so badly wanted this to be it.  HE JUST SEEMED SO HONEST, LOVING AND WILLING!  This phrase from The Four Man Plan book was something that I held onto since I’ve read it.  It was what I used to evaluate the men that I dated and he really seemed to have it all, except he didn’t.

And while I’ve mentioned some other men in my blog posts that could be considered love interests, it’s just not something I can think about at this point in time.  I just wished so badly that he could have been that person for me, but deep down inside I knew he couldn’t be.  There was a part of me that thought I would feel more relieved, especially thinking back to the one time when I did yoga with him and I was so concentrated on loathing him.  And I guess some of that relief will eventually come, but right now I just feel self-pity.

Any connection that I had for volleyball coach has long gone actually.  It was just pulling the bandage off was too difficult.  I truly feel empty inside.  This relationship was like none other that I’ve had, and I am not saying that to sound cliche.  It was a relationship that I have never been head over heels about.  While I had very happy moments with volleyball coach, I was never infatuated with him.  I always saw him for who he was, and maybe that was the downfall.  Likewise, this breakup is like none other that I’ve had.  In some sense, it should be the easiest because I didn’t have strong irrational feelings about him, but this might be the relationship that has killed my hope in relationships the most.

I thought I did right by picking someone that clearly liked me more than I liked him in the beginning.  He seemed to be that loving boyfriend that I’ve always wanted.  He did not have all the qualities for which I was looking, but he was a good guy and I wanted to be with him.  I wanted to give him a chance to grow on me.  I thought he could be my fairytale ending, and that I’ve finally realized the more important things in a relationship is intent as opposed to infatuation.  Ironically, I learned that intent is not enough.

If intent was enough, we’d still be together.  I thought that by trying something entirely different from what I knew, and actually entirely different from my last relationship where everything seemed to be wrong, that I would be doing something right.

Dating Volleyball Coach is Shitty

This weekend, volleyball coach joined my cousin and his wife on a dog walk.  Despite volleyball coach getting lost (typical), it was an overall smooth ordeal.  He had no plans for dinner, as usual, so this time I volunteered to drive, since I find his driving stressful.  It was smoother this way actually and we ended up at one of the best Jamaican places in town and one of the best ice cream places in town.  Lately I’ve been trying to limit the amount of stress in my life due to some health problems, hence why I volunteered to drive and why I also left my dogs with my parents.

Volleyball coach and I have not had sex in over a month, closing in on two months, which is quite shitty for being in a relationship.  We’ve spoken about it and he chalks it up to timing, although I know it’s much more than that.  So now there is some pressure to have sex, but I was again not feeling very well that evening.  We watched the NBA together to the point where he decides to shower and retire to bed.  By the time I get in, I was feeling so tired and unwell that I asked him to rub tiger balm (methol rub) on my stomach before going to sleep.  He asked if I wanted a bum massage, and see, I would have accepted it but now that he sees an offer for a massage as his segway into sex so I decline.  I didn’t want to lead him on and I just wanted to cuddle and sleep.

In the middle of the night he felt that it would be alright to prod awake his unwell girlfriend to see if she wants to get frisky.  Absolutely not.  Also in the middle of the night I accidentally let his dog in the bedroom and she refused to leave.

We had brunch plans in the morning, but thankfully my friends cancelled.  I was relieved, but at this point I was also awake.  Volleyball coach starts rubbing my lady parts and that was nice and I wanted to see where it would go.  He moved my hand on his parts and I’m thinking okay… I went with it until he started slowing down on my massage until it came to a halt!  Since when did initiating a massage end up in receiving a massage?  I start talking about basketball and he said that turned him off entirely and stopped, said he was turned off and got up and went to shower.

I feel like I’m a very giving person sexually and I feel like he is just getting ultra lazy on me and always looking for me to get him ready and there is no reciprocation, let alone giving.  I’m now under the strict stance that I am not doing anything sexual unless he puts in some effort to turn me on.  We talked about this and how I always felt like I’m doing the work (literally) when it comes to sex.

Later that morning I give him another opening by asking him for a bum massage, but nope, he doesn’t want to give it.  I’m certain that he is being selfish and isn’t really thinking about putting my pleasure ahead of his own.  He starts thinking about food at this point and while I am doing some clean-up, I talk about how I am trying in this relationship by voicing what it is what I want, and the recurring themes are the same but I just don’t see that he is trying very hard on a few things that I think are important.

When it comes down to it, the recurring themes are:

The Bed – He has a shitty bed, and I’ve asked him to make it better to make me more comfortable.  I’ve seen no efforts from him.  I’ve bought him a whole bed sheet set and pillows and just getting him to use it has been a task.

One thing which we have a major disagreement on is how to sleep in bed.  Yes, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but he hates using a flat sheet.  He allows it to scrunch up and is all over my duvet.  And most of the time when I turn over to snuggle, he is tangled between the sheets or is on the wrong layer so we can’t snuggle.  When he leaves my place, I end up stripping my bed and washing all the sheets and sometimes even the duvet.  This ties into the second theme.

Hygiene and Cleanliness – This is the biggest turnoff so far for me.  His entire life is dirty.  I caught him not washing his hands after taking a dump on our vacation and I’m not sure what to make of it.  When I called it out he just went in to wash his hands, no explanation as to why that wasn’t part of his routine.  His dog more often than not has diarrhea, and he washes this dog maybe twice a year and he thinks that is fine.  His shitty dog hair gets all over his car and he cleans his car only when I nag him enough.  His shitty dog also jumps on his bed.  When I say shitty here, I mean literally shitty, he seldom washes his dog’s butt.

Volleyball coach has psoriasis, which is a disease that causes his skin to be flakey.  It seems that he is able to manage some of these symptoms by using creams, because he takes the time to do this on his elbows, but what he doesn’t realize is that he also needs to use this cream behind his ears and on his penis.  When we were on the trip, he had skin flakes the size of a quarter get all over the sheets.  And when he presents his penis, sometimes there is just flakes of dead skin all over it.  I don’t mind if he has to get up to wash it, but overall I just feel like more care can be taken.

So in fact, I have this distorted image of him being this unkept guy that has hygiene problems and cannot take care of himself.  It is a huge turn-off and when I try to address some of these issues, he seems to not make any effort to try to make me feel comfortable.  I don’t think there is any noticeable efforts made by him since we spoke about our relationship problems.

I tell him to go to the doctors, for his health and also for my health since we are sexually active (sort of).  He agrees, but hasn’t even looked into doctors in his area.

I tell him to do something about his disaster of a bed because I want to feel comfortable.  He tells me it’s unreasonable because he will be moving soon, but says he agrees with me.  The only effort that I’ve seen is him using the bedsheets and pillows that I’ve purchased.  Absolutely nothing beyond that.

I tell him to bathe his dog more often.  He does not agree to do this.

I tell him to clean his car more frequently.  I think he agrees, but he does not do this.

The two major things that we have in common: enjoyment of volleyball, and raising dogs made me think that we could connect over these two items, but nope.  He thinks that I suck at volleyball so we don’t play together, and he and I do not seem to see eye to eye on how to raise dogs.

So this morning, we have an argument about the bed again, of course.  He said he has put in efforts for his bed.  I said the only efforts that he has put in has been to use the items that I’ve purchased.  He’s flustered, and angry so he starts packing his things and walks out on me.  Great.  I’m tired and frustrated.  I go back to sleep for another 3-4 hours.

After thinking things through and talking to a friend of mine, I just can’t see this going along any further.  It needs to end now.  My friend asked me if I was getting anything out of this relationship.  I think I held onto this relationship because I thought we shared the dream of buying a house and having kids.  This dream, companionship, is maybe the only reasons why I hold on to this relationship and that is not good enough.  This relationship is causing undue stress, which is not what I need given my health.