My note to myself from a freer and happier me

I’m totally writing this blog post high.  I’m writing it because I am happy right now and I want to capture what this feels like.  I’m freely chatting with a bunch of people and I feel relaxed, at ease.  I know everything will work out.

My situation with The Motivator? I probably over think it. I’m super hot and super amazing.  I think he’s just scared and it’s okay, he doesn’t need to know any better.  It’s not an issue.  People are where they are in their consciousness.  If he wants to out restrictions on us then fine.  I’m breezy.

Am I going to continue to date others and receive love from others too? Yes! He can still love me in his own way.  Let’s just see how he decides to share it.  Openly receive what he has to give. See what he has to give, sit back, and receive. If it’s not sex then it’s not sex.  He doesn’t ask a anything of me that I am not willing to give and that’s respect enough.

Love him freely, but don’t expect anything back.  Accept who he is, and if he finds flaws in you and cannot accept it then that is his problem and his loss and the barrier he puts up himself.  Doesn’t have to change the way I feel about him.  Don’t hedge bets on him, just take it for face value.  Don’t need to hate him either.

But yes, move forward the best way I can and if that means sleeping with others, then so be it.  Have fun doing it.  Don’t do it destructively.  Find peace.  Have appreciation for the next phase. Even the next phase of the relationship with the Motivator.  Everything will be alright.


More thoughts on moving forward from The Motivator

I’ve still been thinking a lot about how I’d go about just moving forward.  I have a few thoughts.  First one is to just have a lot of rebound sex.  I had rebound sex with The Photographer, I didn’t even mention that because it was so insignificance to me.  None.  But yes, rebound sex… hm… I feel like maybe if I just had other options, I’d feel better about it all.

When I look at him, it’s not like I think oh man, I’m so horny, I want to have sex with him.  Even when he’s over, I don’t have that urge.  It’s true, that my want and need for sex with him was more so a way for me to connect with him.  Not like the sex was bad either, but it’s not like I have that kind of strong, burning desire.

I want to be into The Tall Raver, but things are just moving so slowly with that.  It’s crazy how slow it’s moving.  I think he’s cute, I just don’t think he’s relationship material.  I test the waters with him, and he just seems reluctant.  Bad timing, okay fine, I have nothing to lose with waiting this one out.

So here is my round about thought with The Motivator recently.  I think about how I love him, and I accept him for all of the flaws that he is.  I feel like I can understand why he does what he does, why he is the person that he is.  And I feel that he does not reciprocate that for me.  I think back to when it did feel that he was infatuated with me, he’d say a few things that he liked about me: he liked that I was small, that I had small hands, that he liked that I cook, that we share similar interests.  Honestly, in that phase, he even told me that he knows who I am and that nothing would change that.  I believed him.  I did actually feel that at that point in time, he knew enough about me and that there wasn’t much that I could say to him that could change what he thought about me.

I know my Instagram account is a bit crazy and out there.  And I said maybe he wouldn’t be so into that.  He disagreed and said that he’d know me for the genuine person that I am.  He said that it didn’t matter how I presented myself online, that he knew the real me.  These things he said allowed me to let my guard down.  I accepted him wholeheartedly, because I thought he saw me for my inner beauty.  It felt genuine and beautiful.

Now, I feel that he sees all of my flaws, and doesn’t accept it.  Not only does he analyze me, sees my flaws, doesn’t accept it, but he points out my own flaws to me, highlights them.  It just seems so drastically different.  I think this hurts me the most.

I thought about what made him switched gears.  I wonder if it was something that I said to him to make him try to find the flaws in me.  I wonder if I hurt his feelings.  In the beginning of our budding romance, I said a few things to show that I wasn’t sure about the relationship.  I wasn’t sure if he was exclusive with me so I asked him about whether he continues to use Tinder, and that may be interpreted as me suggesting that he uses Tinder to date other people.  I also asked if he actually wanted to climb with me or whether he was more interested in dating me.  I questioned how into me he was.  I liked that he was into me, but I wanted to know how sure he was.  I wonder if this could have been misinterpreted.

I find that he is harsh with me.  I looked up the trait in which people just continue to find more flaws in you and point them out.  He does this to me.  This is his problem.  I am trying to be the best person that I can be, and I do take constructive criticism well, and I am willing to change certain aspects of myself if it made my partner feel more comfortable.  But what he does with me, he nitpicks.  It isn’t fair.

And so yes, I am thinking a lot about The Motivator, but I think it has been helpful to be able to pinpoint these things that bother me, and kind of try to figure out why it is, why he may  have acted in this way.  It’s not my responsibility to point this out to The Motivator, so there really isn’t a point in bringing it up.  But for my own self, it was difficult to get over all of this.  I’m deeply hurt.

I can’t be with someone like him, and all I have to do is to think about how I felt when we went to new york together.  The way I felt on that trip, I will never forget some of the lows.  I think maybe just the thought of never ever feeling that again, would be reason enough to walk away from The Motivator, mentally.


He never saw my full potential anyway

It’s funny, The Motivator asks me why I continue to hang out with this girlfriend that I have who constantly barrages my life with criticisms and isn’t really supportive of much that I do it seems.  Why do I put up with it, is what he says?  But, as I think about it, he really is the guy version of this girlfriend of mine.

He criticizes me harshly.  There have been times when I’ve had a proud moment, and he brings me down.  I thought it was funny one night when we were drunk, we all hopped over this fence, and I said that would have never happened if it were other non-climbing people.  I was proud to be a fellow climber and part of the community, it felt like a bonding moment.  I talked about it very positively until he pointed out that I wasn’t very coordinated hopping the fence, and that it looked like I just flopped myself over it.

Honestly, when I first met him, I didn’t think much of him.  I would initially pin him as the kind of guy that isn’t so great looking, has female friends but doesn’t date a lot of women, someone that would be lucky to be with someone like me.  I know that sounds grossly egotistical, but he just seems like the nice guy, a bit oblivious to who may or may not be attracted to him… but he isn’t at all this person.  The confidence that this guy has is just shocking actually.  He has truly mastered surrounding his life with things that give him confidence.  He surrounds himself with things that make him comfortable…

And when I entered his world, I was amazed.  I was amazed by how knowledgeable he was in certain things.  He has a niche, he likes certain very specific things, fine dining, luxury perfumes, he picked a sport that is perfectly suited for his body type.  He knows his music, lyrics, songs, albums, everything.  He knows watches, cars.  He just knows a lot about these kind of things, and I am amazed by it all.  In the many ways that I was infatuated with Mystery Man’s digital nomad lifestyle, I was engrossed into his world.  I fell in love with how carefree his life seemed to be, and how he seemed to excel in these things…

I feel like because of that, and in starking comparison, I just don’t feel like I have much to offer.  I live a starkly different lifestyle.  I would do things for the sake of doing things, and that was not his jam.  He did things either because he absolutely had to and there was not much choice in the matter, otherwise all other activities he did were things that he chose to do.  I envy how carefree he could be it seemed.  And for the first time in my life, I had a bit more freedom, I allowed myself to be engrossed in his life, and I really enjoyed it.  The music, the drugs, the carefreeness of it all… I’ve never in my life lived in such a way… and I probably didn’t do it well at all.  I don’t belong in his life.  I don’t belong there.

I come from a life where working hard was the norm, working for a brighter future, working to climb the corporate ladder, working for the sake of working, working so that the mind is occupied and the mundeness of life doesn’t catch up with me.  I come from a life where I had to work hard to survive, to do things I didn’t always want to do.  I come from teachings of discipline, structure.  I am judgemental.  I hone in on the skills that I am good at and sharpen them.  Those skills that are not useful in moving up in life, those are cast aside.

I realize that yeah, I’ve come to excel at a lot of different things that are useful in my career, but I’m jagged at the edges.  There are parts of me that are just incredibly underdeveloped.  I’m uncoordinated, unaware of my surroundings… essentially not quick on my feet.  I come across as lazy and messy because I am sometimes just focused on doing the bare minimum so that my energy can be focused on whatever the main task at hand is supposed to be.  The Motivator is quick to point this out.

He just doesn’t see my strengths.  He dragged me around the music festival when we were in New York together.  I thought it was cute that he was holding my hand and directing me around, but I think he found me to be quite lost and in dire need of directions.  I trusted him to guide me, I let loose, I didn’t need to focus on that because he had it under control.  But that’s not what he saw.  In contrast, we realized that we didn’t know where his passport was, I called every single airport and lost and found airport phone line I could.  I also searched all of the bags, and urged him to thoroughly search the bags, and made sure he looked in all the possible places.  I also was about to call the embassy.  I know how to deal with this kind of situation, and I was more concerned about him than the actual situation.  I stepped up to take care of him.  Does he see that I have a brain of my own and can use it when I need to?  I just don’t feel that he does.  His level of critique on me is really unfair, but I think he just analyzes people in that way.

I say I love him and I somehow made myself think that I did, but as I thought about it today, I think that maybe I don’t.  I love some of the things that he has exposed me to, his passions: rock climbing, luxury purfumes, music events, music, drugs, letting loose.  Just like in the case of Mystery Man, I love his lifestyle and I am inspired by him.  Because how can I love someone who so harshly criticizes me and doesn’t see what I have to offer, and not just what I have to offer, but the potential of what I have to offer?

I want to credit The Motivator with exposing me to all of these amazing things, and now I have these things in my life.  They are mine to love, mine to enjoy.  I think it would have just been so great, and also so convenient to have enjoyed them with him.  I thought we could have it all together, but I think he sees me as being sheltered and living in my own world in a way.  Of course, but I’m willing to keep my eyes open.

Today, I thought about what I want… and really this experience with The Motivator has opened my eyes.  I know that I really enjoy rock climbing, and in my mind, I would love someone that I can climb with, have a meaningful relationship with, and obviously have sex with.  I go to the climbing gym, and I think, yeah, it’s kind of easy to make friends, talk to people etc.  How hard is it really to find some guy that wants to climb and have sex, and possibly have something meaningful together… that’s more than what I am currently getting from The Motivator.  At this point, The Motivator is like going out of his way to distance himself from me.  It’s not meaningful.

Objectively, I feel that it would be better for me to just stop seeing The Motivator.  I thought well hey, this rock climbing thing is pretty damn attractive.  It’s also kind of an easy way to meet guys.  I feel pretty confident that I can go out there and meet someone that would be willing to give me more than The Motivator does.  I mean, what DOES The Motivator really give me these days?  A lending ear, someone to go rock climbing with.

Funny, because when I first met him that’s all I wanted from him.  Someone to go rock climbing with, a lending ear, someone to eat with.  I had full intentions of just dating someone else.  Hell, I was semi-dating The Photograher.  I was trying to hook up with The Biker who lived in another city, and I was on Tinder still and met The Spanish Speaker.  So maybe I can still degrade him to just that and still have that bandwidth to date others.  I don’t know at the moment, but what I do know is that I need a different mindset.

I need to accept that 100% we will never hook up again.  Nor, would I want to actually.  If I am to truly take this as a blessing then it’s to look forward, and not back.  I have to be honest with myself and admit that it was never great with The Motivator.  Okay fine there was maybe one month where it was great with The Motivator, if that, and it went downhill very quickly.  The grief that I went through, if I just think about our trip together… it should be reason enough.  On an everyday thing, The Motivator just isn’t great to me.  I see him be great to others, I see him create this fake facade of who he is when he makes friends.  It’s crazy actually… But yeah, he just isn’t great to me.  He isn’t open about his life, he judges me harshly.  All I have to do when I look at him, is think about our trip to New York, and I think that would help me bring him right off of his high horse.  And I also need a plan to actually move forward.  I need to meet more people, expose myself to different people,  maybe go to some business events, to the gym by myself, whatever.  I need this.


The Motivator admits he doesn’t want to have sex with me

The truth finally comes out and The Motivator told me that he doesn’t want to continue sleeping with me.  He explanation was spotty.  He said that after I told him that I didn’t want to continue sleeping together, he thought that was it, and that the last few times we had sex, that I initiated.  That’s total bullshit, and his way of spinning things.

Yes, after I said we shouldn’t continue sleeping together, he said he didn’t feel that it was weird.  And then, when I initiated it again, we had another quick chat and I said I was okay with it now, that I came to terms with it, and then he didn’t say anything.  We continued to sleep together, and it’s bullshit that he didn’t initiate.  He totally initiated, and then it was not until more recent weeks that it seemed that he really did not want to come over or sleep with me.  Him pinning it on me saying that I didn’t want to do it anymore is bullshit, I think something in him changed, either circumstantial or his perspective changed.

Doesn’t matter how he came to the conclusion though.  It boils down to the fact that he doesn’t think we should sleep together now.  It’s hard for me to accept it, because I had just come to terms with being okay with it.  I finally got to a place where I felt that the sex was good enough to justify the friends with benefit situation.  Plus, I was already seeing him all the time anyway so it was convenient.  I felt that the sex could have been even better if there was more effort, but it was still good and convenient though.

We talked about not filling each other in on our respective sex lives.  I very strongly agreed to this as I don’t want to hear about what’s going on in his sex life.  I would definitely feel hurt that he doesn’t want to have sex with me, and getting it elsewhere.  And for him, I’m sure it’s the same.

I feel a sense of loss though.  It seems odd, because I tell myself that I lost him so long ago.  I almost never had him to begin.  There was this one moment I had when I just looked at him while we were at the gym and the thought of our budding romance just flashed before my eyes, so to speak.  I thought about the time he held my hand and I asked him if he was holding my hand because he wanted to make sure that I didn’t fall because I’m clumsy.  I thought about the time we were in bed together and he asked to kiss me for the first time, and I said, “Really?  Right now?”.  We had such sweet, endearing moments in the beginning, and these things make it difficult for me to shake off, even now.

Even now.  Knowing that it went downhill so incredibly fast.  Knowing that this budding romance stage lasted less than two months.  I like to forget that he quickly casted me aside, pulled some bullshit forgetfulness on my birthday, largely ignored me when my grandmother passed away, dismissed his initial efforts and downplayed everything to just being friends with benefits.  I forget all the shitty things he said to me, and the shitty way he made me feel when we went on vacation together.

Objectively speaking, I should be mad at this guy.  Can’t get his shit together, can’t even be a proper friends with benefit.  Doesn’t communicate what he wants.  But, I am not… and that’s because I have a soft spot for him.  I like him.  Of course I do.

So when he told me that he doesn’t want to continue sleeping together, there’s the objective side of me that thinks that this is great.  This is kind of the reaction that I expected when I told him that I didn’t want to sleep with him anymore.  That he would want to come over less (or not at all), and we would even question whether we wanted to continue climbing together.

So for now, I accept what he said to me.  Of course I did.  This guy for some reason, means so much to me.  He is part of my routine.  If I decided that I would just cut him out of my life, I’d be suffering.  It’s not totally out of the question though.

At the moment, I’m accepting that we are no longer sleeping together.  Everything else seems the same… but I wonder if he even accepts me as a friend.  He has told me that if we didn’t climb together, we’d probably spend a lot less time together… which indicates to me that he sees me as a climbing partner.  I honestly don’t think he even appreciates that much as a straight friend.

Honestly, if he were any other guy that I met on just a dating app and we aren’t involved in a hobby together, he’d be gone, out, done.  Not only on my side, but on his side I don’t think he’d put in the effort to just be friends.  Because why?  Nobody just stays friends with someone that they were romantically involved in, and even if they were friends, there would most certainly be some sort of distance.  I don’t linger on all the cute things that say, Mr. International did for me.  Mr. International and I parted ways, and it was hard, but I got over it.

It’s hard for me to get over this guy because he’s there all the time.  I wonder if he agrees to do these post-climbing activities with me because he justifies it by saying that well he needs to eat anyway, or whether he actually enjoys my company?  The more I think about it, I think, who the fuck is this guy to me?

I can’t have him holding me back from my own life.  I owe this guy zilch.

I need to be able to see him more objectively.  This guy has me spiraling this year as he laid it down heavy and continues to create more and more distance.  Every time I am okay with where our relationship is, he takes another step away.

I try to see it from his point of view.  He pursues this girl that he met on a dating app, who is also really into the activities that he is into… he pursues her and eventually things pan out and he seems really optimistic, even convincing the girl that things can work out.  The girl is skeptical, but continues to proceed with the relationship.

Maybe circumstances changed, or he sees something in her that he doesn’t necessarily like.  He sees something that is a red flag, or the emotional and romantic feelings weren’t really budding.  Maybe she was just hot, and it seemed like an obvious and convenient choice.  He decides to just keep it casual.  She’s still hot and she seems to be willing to keep things casual and keep up a sexual relationship.  It’s still fun to hang out with her.  This continues, but the more he hangs out with her the more flaws he sees in her.  She becomes insecure and more skeptical about the friends with benefits situation and is really starting to question it.

He is certain that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with this girl, and he feels that he has made it very clear.  The sex is good, so should he continue?  She says they shouldn’t continue to have sex, seems fair, not like he put in much effort anyway.  They continue to have sex from time to time, and you know what?  Maybe she’s right, not having sex will send the message that he truly isn’t into her.  No need to hurt someone or have sex with someone who you don’t truly want to be with, and there’s other things at stake, such as the hobby and activities that we share that he still enjoys.  Plus, she’s a nice girl so not having sex would probably save everyone emotional grief.  Will also open up opportunities to be with someone more suitable.

So that’s it… that’s his side of the story.  Simple.  That’s how it went down.  But for me, I saw potential in him, fell in love with him, the kind of love that glosses over all the mean things that he has done to me.  The lack of communication.  I told him I wish he had told me sooner… he said well there’s not much that can be done about that now.

I know for certain that I need to explore love interests outside of him.  100%.  But the question is whether I can fall in love with someone else if I continue to see him 3x a week, every week basically.

A moment of clarity with The Motivator

Sometimes I really do have a moment of clarity with my situation with The Motivator.  I think he has more recently shown, on multiple occasions that he wants to take a step back.  Specifically, he doesn’t really want to come over as often, and he doesn’t seem to share an interest in having sex with me at this time.  I think the best thing to do is just to respect this and not try to convince him otherwise.  Convincing him otherwise leads only to me feeling shitty because I feel rejected, and I hate the feeling that I forced this man to do stuff with me and it makes me feel unwanted.  On his side, me convincing him to do something he isn’t sure he wants to do isn’t that nice either.  So for now, I’ve decided that I’ll stop proactively inviting him over.  I will focus on our friendship, and our friendship connection.

I think I was a bit obsessed with having sex with him.  He’s great at it, and I just wanted to have sex with him.  Sex makes me feel great, it makes me feel fulfilled and it makes me feel happy.  Just as I was starting to accept having casual sex with him as something that didn’t leave me with pangs of insecurity, he took that away from me.  But it’s okay, I don’t need to have sex with him, plus I don’t want to have sex with him if he doesn’t want that from me, or if it makes him feel guilty.

I think it was difficult for me to feel rejected, and I’m someone that wants to feel wanted.  I like it when someone chases for me, and that drives me.  And now that he isn’t chasing me, it shouldn’t be something that I strive for (to make him chase me).  Especially, because the more I think about his situation and try to make sense of it, the more I realize that it has to do with him.  I have a lot of insecurities thinking that I’m just not enough for him, but I need to stop thinking that because it doesn’t do me any good.

I honestly don’t think I’m too far off with my prediction in why he doesn’t want to proceed.  I think it’s difficult for guys to figure out why they feel a certain way i.e. they don’t feel excitement about proceeding with the relationship but they don’t know why.  My friend asked me if there was a situation that perhaps triggered his actions.  Immediately, I thought about his female best friend’s situation.  He’s hung up over someone else is my honest best guess.  There are a number of reasons that support this idea, and if it’s true that that totally sucks for him.  It sucks that he is hung up over his best friend, who just recently delivered a baby with her current/ex-boyfriend.  It sucks that he wishes that he could live with his best friend, but he can’t.  I can also sense the way he feels when he gets a piece of mail with her name on it.  I guess I can understand, because I’ve felt this way about someone in my life before, Mystery Man.

On the other hand, I also don’t think he realizes what he is forgoing with me by being hung up.  I know that I’m important to him, but I’m just always around.  It’s like I’m available to him, I can be that back-up, I can be the emergency friend/significant other figure in the meantime if he needed it.  For me, that’s not fair.  And if I continue to let him think that I will be there for him, he himself will also not realize what he is forgoing with me also.

On my side, I should just distance myself from this.  Do I really want to see him either pine for this best friend situation of his?  Do I want to see him fool around with others to see if he has more feelings for some other girl who is not me and not his best friend?  Do I want to witness him “find his way”?  No.  This is why I feel extremely uneasy about making common friends with him.  I do not want to invest in this more than I already have.  I don’t want any part of this.

All I want is to continue progressing in my rock climbing game.  I want to get better at it.  I do not necessarily need or want to go take this sport outside, so I don’t need to form into a group to do this.  I like having him as a rock climbing partner and to an extent, a friend to have dinner with and vent some life frustrations with.  That is it.

Last night, I also noted that I no longer feel heartbroken over The Motivator.  At one point, I’d wake up and have that sinking feeling that I usually get when I’m heartbroken and let down about something.  I was really proud of myself for that, and for also noticing that it has been a very long time since I felt this way about him.  I’ve already accepted that we would never be together.  The only other thing I need to do is just to stop being disappointed when I see him and he seemingly continues to drift away.  Let him drift away, but I don’t have to be the one drifting with him.  He lives his own life, he follows his own path, and it has nothing to do with me.  I need not be disappointed in the path that he chooses for himself.  I know that he could have had it all with me.

I guess also important to note that some of this clarity stems from me being on my period, not having a high sex drive really  helps.  I think sometimes I’m blind-sighted by my hormones and during some peak times in my cycle, I feel extremely unjust that nobody is having sex with me.

What makes me happy

Okay, finally getting to my homework of what makes me happy.  I truly believe that this will help me figure out my situation.

  • Listing the obvious first is my family’s health, my family’s stable condition.  Then secondly, my own financial stability and this ties into my own business.  Luckily for me these things have generally been stable in my life and hasn’t posed too big of a challenge for me in my adult life thus far.
  • As for friends, I’ve been very grateful this year to make a new female friend who I think is really cool and we share very similar views.  I’m grateful to to have my cousins who are always there for me.  My ex-rock climbing partner has also come back in my life and she and I have really connected recently.  I stay in touch with my friend and ex-colleague who lives in China and he’s great also.  I’m closer with my best female friend, the one that I’ve known since elementary school, and we also keep a circle of friends together.  I also keep in touch with a high school friend of mine, The Drummer and he has been so good to me also.  I have some friends that have moved away and grown apart from, but my circle of friends have been good and consistent.  I’m also lucky to be able to easily connect with new friends using Instagram, and travelling and meeting these people have been so much fun.
  • I love fun projects, and my recent passion project is a side e-commerce store that I am having so much fun learning how to build.
  • I booked a vacation in the spring of 2020, and I’m oh so looking forward to this.  I’m supposedly learning how to dance for this music festival that I will be going to with my cousin as well.  We are planning coordinating outfits and that’s so much fun also.
  • I mention my business for financial purposes, but my business is also very fulfilling.  I create real jobs for real people and I make a difference.  I’m a very protective leader, and I am really proud of my team and the business that I’ve built.
  • For some reason, spending time with The Photographer has made me very happy recently.  I don’t have feelings for him anymore, but we still have a fun and flirty vibe going on.  He makes me feel really sexy actually.  It’s a shame he’s going away to another country, but hanging out with him recently has made me feel very confident.
  • The Motivator aside, the sport of rock climbing is something that I’ve really developed a passion for, and this makes me happy.  I would happily go to the rock climbing gym and just climb sometimes even on my own.
  • I love food, and a good meal that I had recently was when I was in Montreal, the food was fabulous, with a bit of wine and my city tour guide, I was very happy.
  • Actually, being in Montreal for some reason this year has been my happy place.  Although the trips do take some time to plan… things have turned out really well this year.  A bachelorette party, staying with my old rock climbing buddy, dating a guy in Montreal, everything has been fantastic!
  • Going on adventures with my dogs and spending time with them has really brought me a lot of joy.
  • Thinking back to when I was most happiest in a long-term relationship, I was with someone that at the time was very involved with my life, someone who stayed in touch constantly, and who included me in their life.
  • Thinking back to when I was most happiest being single, I was seeing more than one guy who as a whole gave me a lot of attention, filled up my calendar with activities.  This may sound kind of crazy, but making sure that I have a lot of good sex makes me happy also.
  • I’m most happiest when I’m not infatuated with someone who does not return the same feelings.  Sometimes when I’m single, and I just simply don’t have a crush on anyone, I almost feel like I’m at peace with myself.

The Motivator and I continue to be unnecessarily complicated

I’m actually really upset about the change in dynamics with The Motivator and I… already with the fact that he is now actively showing signs that he doesn’t want to continue our friends with benefits situation.

I think I’ve given him really mixed messages about what I want with the relationship.  I verbally told him that we should stop sleeping with each other, and at first I thought his reaction was really a show that he had feelings for me and that he still wanted the connection of staying over at my place.

Now, perhaps the message sunk in with him, even though I said that I was fine with the FWB situation.  He is actively taking a stance against staying over at my place.  I can tell there’s some sort of emotional factor preventing him from inviting me to stay at his place.

There’s just a lot of signs that we need some space from each other… yet he continues to want to climb with me.  He even has suggested a higher frequency of climbing more recently.  For me, I feel like our relationship is unnecessarily complex now.  If I had to guess, I think there are a lot of things that he wants to say to me that he doesn’t feel like he can say without hurting my feelings.  And I think he would be right about it.  If I had to guess, I think he would tell me that there is nothing between us and to ask me to stop acting like there is.  I think he cares about me, and about our friendship too much to say this to me.

I think that he hopes that given enough space from him, that I’d just naturally move on, date other people and I think he could and would easily be happy for me if I did this.  I think it’s almost like he’s waiting for me to do this.  And I think he sees this as being the natural exit of our sexual relationship.

I guess accepting the fact that my relationship with The Motivator will never be more than a FWB situation, yeah, it also makes sense for me that this would be good for me too.  And so maybe we both are on the same page with that, despite it being difficult to let go… and probably difficult not only for me, but also for him (but more so for me).

I have been dating others though!  I dated The Professional Writer, and I’m currently dating The Tall Raver… both of whom I see close to zero potential in.  I continue to see The Tall Raver, but in the back of my head, I just don’t feel that he has the capacity to be in a relationship at the moment anyway.  I’m on Hinge and Tinder and it definitely feels like slim pickings.

I ask myself if I have the capacity to even like someone in a very romantic way right now.  And I’m not sure.  I definitely don’t feel as strongly toward The Motivator now as I did before.  But I also know that in order for me to really open up to someone new, to really be receptive to someone new, I need to have more of a clean slate.

Things are unnecessarily complicated because we are rock climbing partners.  If I just stopped hanging out with The Motivator, I think I would be really depressed.  I’d probably rock climb less, be less motivated to climb, my fitness would go downhill… see, there is a big upside to having him in my life, which is why things are complicated.  I’m not about to just “clean the slate”.

My therapist has asked me to put together a list of what makes me happy, and I think that’s homework that I will need to do.  The issue with finding someone new and finding happiness through that is not going to work.  I think I have to have intrinsic happiness and understand what I am looking for.