It’s funny, The Motivator asks me why I continue to hang out with this girlfriend that I have who constantly barrages my life with criticisms and isn’t really supportive of much that I do it seems. Why do I put up with it, is what he says? But, as I think about it, he really is the guy version of this girlfriend of mine.
He criticizes me harshly. There have been times when I’ve had a proud moment, and he brings me down. I thought it was funny one night when we were drunk, we all hopped over this fence, and I said that would have never happened if it were other non-climbing people. I was proud to be a fellow climber and part of the community, it felt like a bonding moment. I talked about it very positively until he pointed out that I wasn’t very coordinated hopping the fence, and that it looked like I just flopped myself over it.
Honestly, when I first met him, I didn’t think much of him. I would initially pin him as the kind of guy that isn’t so great looking, has female friends but doesn’t date a lot of women, someone that would be lucky to be with someone like me. I know that sounds grossly egotistical, but he just seems like the nice guy, a bit oblivious to who may or may not be attracted to him… but he isn’t at all this person. The confidence that this guy has is just shocking actually. He has truly mastered surrounding his life with things that give him confidence. He surrounds himself with things that make him comfortable…
And when I entered his world, I was amazed. I was amazed by how knowledgeable he was in certain things. He has a niche, he likes certain very specific things, fine dining, luxury perfumes, he picked a sport that is perfectly suited for his body type. He knows his music, lyrics, songs, albums, everything. He knows watches, cars. He just knows a lot about these kind of things, and I am amazed by it all. In the many ways that I was infatuated with Mystery Man’s digital nomad lifestyle, I was engrossed into his world. I fell in love with how carefree his life seemed to be, and how he seemed to excel in these things…
I feel like because of that, and in starking comparison, I just don’t feel like I have much to offer. I live a starkly different lifestyle. I would do things for the sake of doing things, and that was not his jam. He did things either because he absolutely had to and there was not much choice in the matter, otherwise all other activities he did were things that he chose to do. I envy how carefree he could be it seemed. And for the first time in my life, I had a bit more freedom, I allowed myself to be engrossed in his life, and I really enjoyed it. The music, the drugs, the carefreeness of it all… I’ve never in my life lived in such a way… and I probably didn’t do it well at all. I don’t belong in his life. I don’t belong there.
I come from a life where working hard was the norm, working for a brighter future, working to climb the corporate ladder, working for the sake of working, working so that the mind is occupied and the mundeness of life doesn’t catch up with me. I come from a life where I had to work hard to survive, to do things I didn’t always want to do. I come from teachings of discipline, structure. I am judgemental. I hone in on the skills that I am good at and sharpen them. Those skills that are not useful in moving up in life, those are cast aside.
I realize that yeah, I’ve come to excel at a lot of different things that are useful in my career, but I’m jagged at the edges. There are parts of me that are just incredibly underdeveloped. I’m uncoordinated, unaware of my surroundings… essentially not quick on my feet. I come across as lazy and messy because I am sometimes just focused on doing the bare minimum so that my energy can be focused on whatever the main task at hand is supposed to be. The Motivator is quick to point this out.
He just doesn’t see my strengths. He dragged me around the music festival when we were in New York together. I thought it was cute that he was holding my hand and directing me around, but I think he found me to be quite lost and in dire need of directions. I trusted him to guide me, I let loose, I didn’t need to focus on that because he had it under control. But that’s not what he saw. In contrast, we realized that we didn’t know where his passport was, I called every single airport and lost and found airport phone line I could. I also searched all of the bags, and urged him to thoroughly search the bags, and made sure he looked in all the possible places. I also was about to call the embassy. I know how to deal with this kind of situation, and I was more concerned about him than the actual situation. I stepped up to take care of him. Does he see that I have a brain of my own and can use it when I need to? I just don’t feel that he does. His level of critique on me is really unfair, but I think he just analyzes people in that way.
I say I love him and I somehow made myself think that I did, but as I thought about it today, I think that maybe I don’t. I love some of the things that he has exposed me to, his passions: rock climbing, luxury purfumes, music events, music, drugs, letting loose. Just like in the case of Mystery Man, I love his lifestyle and I am inspired by him. Because how can I love someone who so harshly criticizes me and doesn’t see what I have to offer, and not just what I have to offer, but the potential of what I have to offer?
I want to credit The Motivator with exposing me to all of these amazing things, and now I have these things in my life. They are mine to love, mine to enjoy. I think it would have just been so great, and also so convenient to have enjoyed them with him. I thought we could have it all together, but I think he sees me as being sheltered and living in my own world in a way. Of course, but I’m willing to keep my eyes open.
Today, I thought about what I want… and really this experience with The Motivator has opened my eyes. I know that I really enjoy rock climbing, and in my mind, I would love someone that I can climb with, have a meaningful relationship with, and obviously have sex with. I go to the climbing gym, and I think, yeah, it’s kind of easy to make friends, talk to people etc. How hard is it really to find some guy that wants to climb and have sex, and possibly have something meaningful together… that’s more than what I am currently getting from The Motivator. At this point, The Motivator is like going out of his way to distance himself from me. It’s not meaningful.
Objectively, I feel that it would be better for me to just stop seeing The Motivator. I thought well hey, this rock climbing thing is pretty damn attractive. It’s also kind of an easy way to meet guys. I feel pretty confident that I can go out there and meet someone that would be willing to give me more than The Motivator does. I mean, what DOES The Motivator really give me these days? A lending ear, someone to go rock climbing with.
Funny, because when I first met him that’s all I wanted from him. Someone to go rock climbing with, a lending ear, someone to eat with. I had full intentions of just dating someone else. Hell, I was semi-dating The Photograher. I was trying to hook up with The Biker who lived in another city, and I was on Tinder still and met The Spanish Speaker. So maybe I can still degrade him to just that and still have that bandwidth to date others. I don’t know at the moment, but what I do know is that I need a different mindset.
I need to accept that 100% we will never hook up again. Nor, would I want to actually. If I am to truly take this as a blessing then it’s to look forward, and not back. I have to be honest with myself and admit that it was never great with The Motivator. Okay fine there was maybe one month where it was great with The Motivator, if that, and it went downhill very quickly. The grief that I went through, if I just think about our trip together… it should be reason enough. On an everyday thing, The Motivator just isn’t great to me. I see him be great to others, I see him create this fake facade of who he is when he makes friends. It’s crazy actually… But yeah, he just isn’t great to me. He isn’t open about his life, he judges me harshly. All I have to do when I look at him, is think about our trip to New York, and I think that would help me bring him right off of his high horse. And I also need a plan to actually move forward. I need to meet more people, expose myself to different people, maybe go to some business events, to the gym by myself, whatever. I need this.