The FWB Wants to go on Vacation

The Rock Climber, who is in essence, my FWB (friends with benefits) messages me tonight (Friday night), and I’m thinking he wants to go for a booty call again and I’m not really feeling it tonight.  My sex drive is low all of a sudden, maybe just where I am in my cycle.  He surprises me, and asked if I want to join him on a two-week trip to Thailand!  He’s leaving on Sunday, which is in two days.

Okay, so yes, this is crazy and I politely declined, but it isn’t all that out there.  We were both world travelling consultants before, and now he’s in sales.  We live or at least I lived that lifestyle where I could just up and go.  At any given time, we have thousands of travel points racked up and travel status for some extra perks.  A weekend getaway to another city is totally not far fetched, but Asia for two-weeks on a two day notice is most certainly pushing it.

And okay, yes asking your FWB to go on vacation is also shocking, especially since he has a significant other.  I’m not going to lie, I considered it.  I need a vacation, but the next two weeks for me are scheduled out already.  So when I declined, he also mentioned to me that he is going to Las Vegas with his boys, gave me a specific date that he’ll be there and told me to “swing by” if I happen to be around either Phuket or Vegas.  Great.

And maybe the crazier thing out of all of this is that I actually considered it.  I actually gave it some real thought.  I think I like the idea of being able to just be spontaneous and just get up and go.  What does that say about me?

So let’s recap the facts.  He is my FWB, but actually, it sounds like he has a significant other in a nearby city (7 hour drive, 2 hour flight away).  While my work allows me to work remotely most of the time, I actually have a packed schedule the next two weeks including a few days of mandatory face time.  This aside, I’ve also been dating Mr. International for approximately 3 months now.  Even if I go away on a long weekend getaway, what am I going to tell him about who I’m going with!?

And okay, going away to these party cities, Rock Climber sounds like he’s just trying to get really wasted, meet people and very likely, hook up with them!  I mean, if having an affair for him is not a big deal, then what’s another to add to the books?  And really, let’s be honest, I’m not as much of a partyer.  I come out with him, I enjoy having a few drinks and I enjoy getting wasted, but I hate meeting people at the clubs, dancing in a crowded, dark environment and having superficial connections with people – skip all that shit for me, I was into it for the hookup with him.

Anyway, in short – no, I’m not going on vacation with him because that is crazy, but it is concerning that I even gave it this much thought.  It kind of scares me and makes me feel like I’m addicted to this crazy adrenaline-filled lifestyle.

 

The Taboo of Saying ‘I Love You’

I’ve now been seeing socks jock for about 6 months and the taboo of saying “I Love You”, is still there.  We say things like “I love how you…” or “I love your…” all the time and I think he mumbled “Love You…” to me once as I followed-up with a deep passionate kiss.  I strongly believe that it’s a societal thing to be really afraid of these words.  It definitely isn’t manly to say “I love you” and can also be seen as being soft for a man to say this.  

Since he has already kind of said it to me once, it should be easy for me to say it to him, right?  It’s possible that he’s waiting for me to say it too.  We are a lovey dovey couple when we’re together and it doesn’t seem out of place at all.  Why can’t I say these words to him then?  I think it all the time.  I feel it all the time towards him.  Yes, I love him but I can’t overcome this barrier to say it to him yet.  

I know that it is my own insecurities.  I have baggage.  I’ve been in too many dating relationships where I’ve mistakenly thought the bond was deeper than it actually was and I feel that by saying “I love you,” it confirms that I am in this really deep.  I feel that it then allows the man to start feeling comfortable and my fear is that he pulls back because he isn’t quite sure of his feelings or he unconsciously takes it as a sign that he doesn’t need to chase me any more.  This far in the relationship, I am still testing the waters by asking myself hypothetically what if I gave zero shits about the relationship for a few days?  No initiation of any conversations and just go on auto-pilot.  If he continues to drive the relationship then I think it would be worth it.  If not, then I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am the only one manning the ship.  

I’ve consciously made this decision to be prudent with my words, but at the same time I also made a promise to myself to not let my past relationship baggage sabotage my chance at finding love.  And so I am hoping for a candid moment where all I can think of is my love for him and the words slip out easily like jello.  I know, I’m a crazy romantic.