I’ve now been seeing socks jock for about 6 months and the taboo of saying “I Love You”, is still there. We say things like “I love how you…” or “I love your…” all the time and I think he mumbled “Love You…” to me once as I followed-up with a deep passionate kiss. I strongly believe that it’s a societal thing to be really afraid of these words. It definitely isn’t manly to say “I love you” and can also be seen as being soft for a man to say this.
Since he has already kind of said it to me once, it should be easy for me to say it to him, right? It’s possible that he’s waiting for me to say it too. We are a lovey dovey couple when we’re together and it doesn’t seem out of place at all. Why can’t I say these words to him then? I think it all the time. I feel it all the time towards him. Yes, I love him but I can’t overcome this barrier to say it to him yet.
I know that it is my own insecurities. I have baggage. I’ve been in too many dating relationships where I’ve mistakenly thought the bond was deeper than it actually was and I feel that by saying “I love you,” it confirms that I am in this really deep. I feel that it then allows the man to start feeling comfortable and my fear is that he pulls back because he isn’t quite sure of his feelings or he unconsciously takes it as a sign that he doesn’t need to chase me any more. This far in the relationship, I am still testing the waters by asking myself hypothetically what if I gave zero shits about the relationship for a few days? No initiation of any conversations and just go on auto-pilot. If he continues to drive the relationship then I think it would be worth it. If not, then I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am the only one manning the ship.
I’ve consciously made this decision to be prudent with my words, but at the same time I also made a promise to myself to not let my past relationship baggage sabotage my chance at finding love. And so I am hoping for a candid moment where all I can think of is my love for him and the words slip out easily like jello. I know, I’m a crazy romantic.