A Safe Man

The revelation coming out of the whole fiasco that was the craziest night of my life (see the previous blog post), and my latest experience with OKCupid is that infidelity is rampant.  And I didn’t realize this before, but I think that I have trust issues.  After dating socks jock, I blamed the fact that he was young and extremely good looking as the reason why we could not be together.  Then, I thought mystery man was a safe bet, but only after I really got into him did I realize that he was probably the most crooked guy I’ve been with.  Looking back, I don’t think that he was faithful.  I think standing back this far from that relationship made me realize that he definitely cheated on me.  Volleyball coach, I picked him because I thought he was a safe bet.  That was the main reason why I picked him.  There was not much about him that I liked really.

I can’t keep picking guys almost solely on the fact that I think they are a safe bet.  I had a conversation with my girlfriend, Fashionista and she said that even the safest guys are not that safe.  See, I think I started associating guys who are not good looking and more introverted as being “safe” – but she said that absolutely does not make them “safe”.  And I think she is right.  I need to get over this idea.  I’ve been settling for guys without even knowing it because I had this idea in my head.

When I scroll through my OKCupid, I purposely pick guys who I feel are “safe”.  And I think that maybe I’m putting too much weight on this one criteria without knowing it because I’ve been traumatized.  I deserve better though.  I deserve to be with someone for reasons other than just that he seems “safe”.

Men with less experience is what I tend to pick, because I figured that was “safe”.  But as I thought about this more, I don’t think this makes sense.  Men with less experience probably just have less opportunities to cheat, but it doesn’t mean that are any less likely to cheat.  If anything, they might be more likely to cheat because they feel like they’ve missed out on experiences.

Honestly, it is difficult to say what traits would make a person more loyal – particularly physical traits.  And I think I need to put that behind me.  I went back to OKCupid and this time I was much more open minded when I was swiping.

There’s been a guy that I’ve been talking to, and almost went on a date with today.  I’m talking to him mainly because he feels “safe” and he seems like he has a normal personality.  He’s not very good looking however, and isn’t so excited to meet with me.  I’ve decided that maybe I should stop going down this path again, because this is how I meet and date guys like volleyball coach (safe, but utterly boring with no physical attraction).

 

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The Craziest Night

I don’t even know where to begin for this blog.  There is just so much that happened in the last 48 hours or so.  So a friend of mine decided to host a singles mixer event and I was supportive of it and agreed to co-host.  I invited a bunch of my single friends and just pitched it as – come out for a casual drink.  It was meant to be a casual, hang out by the bar area type deal.

I invited my single platonic guy friend, Raspberry, who brought two of his married friends to wing man him.  I also invited my single elementary school friend – let’s call her Fashionista.  Raspberry’s two wing men arrived after I did, and I was socializing with them.  I teased about how they were allowed to come out to a singles event given they were married and about whether they are wearing their wedding rings.  They said they find the wedding rings uncomfortable and don’t usually wear it.

My girlfriend, Fashionista and Raspberry arrive and now we’re starting to buy round after round of drinks.  I told Fashionista that Raspberry’s friends were married, and I think she felt comfortable to have guys who were “safe” to talk to, no pressure.  The two wing men start to really show an interest in Fashionista and it was almost like they were one-upping each other.  In fact, the two wing men did that the entire night and did not even do any wing men activities.

So we had the two wing men, talking to Fashionista, the whole night.  I did make my way around the event to meet some of the guys but I felt that I was pulled back to what I’m going to call the “entourage” now – which is Raspberry, Fashionista, and the two wing men.  We head out to a club, and we continue drinking.

At the club I got hit on by two 24 year old guys, both cute.  One of them was really muscular and was very physical.  We kissed on the dance floor.  It was exciting and he definitely wanted to take it all the way right away but I was not having that.  Fashionista got hit on by a half Vietnamese, half French guy who was also hot.  I introduced Raspberry to some girl at the club who was a friend of a friend’s who just so happen to be there celebrating her birthday.  He bought her shots but it didn’t go anywhere.

We leave the club and head to a Vietnamese restaurant.  Raspberry drives the entourage.  The two wing men now are getting quite touchy with Fashionista.  Wing man #1 kissed her on the head.  I think wing man #2 was holding her hand.  They are both married and I’ve met their wife!  Everyone who drove had left their cars at the original bar that we met up at.  So now we’re having Vietnamese food, and wing man #1 is looking clearly drunk and falling asleep.  They joke about going to do karaoke afterwards, but it seemed more like a joke because it didn’t seem like wing man #1 could make it.

We end up at karaoke anyway, 30 minutes before last call.  Wing man #1 finds a second wind.  We order another bottle, and belched out a few tunes.  Do we end the night here?  No.  They talk about going to my place to continue drinking because Fashionista left a bottle of  whiskey at my place on another occasion.

We’re now at my place, and it’s now 4am.  Wing man #1 is now done, and lying on my pull out couch.  It’s safe to say that it wasn’t a good idea for anyone to be driving at this point and Raspberry suggested just crashing at my place.  Problem was that I only have one double bed and one queen size pull-out couch.  There were 3 guys and 2 girls.  Not only that, but wing man #1 is now sleeping diagonally on the pull-out couch and wouldn’t move.

I found some large patio cushions that Raspberry turned into a make-shift bed for himself on the ground.  The original plan was for the girls to take my bed (Fashionista and I), and the two wing men would take the pull-out couch.  Wing man #1 refused to move over on the couch, so wing man #2 plops himself on my bed… then he made himself another make-shift bed that wasn’t very good so we felt bad for him and said that maybe all three of us can share my bed.

When wing man #2 gets into my bed, we quickly realize that there was definitely not enough room for both myself and Fashionista.  We’re tired and so I take the other half of the bed, and Fashionista pushes wing man #1 aside on the pull-out couch – and he gladly made space.  So at this point, Fashionista and I are both in bed with married men.  And to make things worse, I know their wives.  It was just a really terrible, and unnecessary situation that I think was pre-meditated by wing man #1 to get into bed with Fashionista.

Now, I hear giggling and whispering coming from the pull-out couch.  Wing man #1 was making a move on Fashionista.  Raspberry who was sleeping in the same room had had enough so he got up and just drove home.  I later hear from Fashionista that wing man #1 was fully pulling all moves on her, but she refused and tried to sleep.  Wing man #2 was behaving in my bed and we stayed on our respective sides of the bed.

8am, wing man #1 gets up and wake up his friend wing man #2.  Seems like they snapped back into being married men, and decide they need to leave asap.  They leave and Fashionista and I looked at each other like, “What the fuck just happened?”.  That was fucked up!  And as we just get into it, wing man #1 (the one making moves on Fashionista) knocks on the door saying he forgot his keys.  He comes in looking at his pull-out couch area… and he’s not looking for his keys, but his WEDDING RING!  Fashionista and him found his ring at the exact same time, she hands it to him and he leaves on what I can only describe as the true walk of shame.

Holy shit.  So much of this was unnecessary.  And in hindsight and with sober brains, Fashionista and I should have just taken my bed and forced the guys to figure out their situation whether that means sleeping on the uncomfortable ground or taking a cab somewhere else.  I just feel uncomfortable that I’ve met their wives.

Actually, this entire experience made me feel like this type of infidelity must happen all the time.  Nobody slept with anyone, but it could have happened, and lines were definitely crossed.  I later hear from Raspberry that this happens all the time except the guys would normally end up going back to their respective homes.  Even if that were the case, I’m not sure if that is okay.  Anyway, more on how I feel about this in the next post.  This is a lot to process.

OKCupid Pen Pals

My OKCupid experience this time is quite different.  I’m a lot more selective in the men that I want to talk to.  I’m in incognito and I’m quick to block someone who doesn’t seem to fit the bill.  I’m looking for a guy that is not so sex-driven, is a bit more introverted and seems to have his shit together and has a similar lifestyle as me.  I’m looking for someone that doesn’t seem so sheltered and has a bit of life and relationship experience behind them.

Well, turns out these men that I’ve filtered out and am talking to are nice, and seem like really normal people but it just seems like the conversations either die off or they just keep going.  I now have at least two pen pals.

I can’t seem to even get one date!  But to be fair, my calendar has been so packed that fitting one in would be a bit hard – but I can make it happen.  I think that part of me wants to go on that first date, but I want it to be a decent date.  I don’t need it to be great, but just not a disastrous disappointment.  I feel ready to move on and I think that going on that first date will be significant.

I’m hosting a mixer event on Friday.  Actually, I’m going to a mixer event that a friend is hosting and I agreed to be put on the list as a co-host.  I’m going to see how that goes.  Part of me just wants to go home and curl up after a hectic week though.

Maybe Just Not Meant To Be

I was thrown off guard today when drummer guy mentioned his girlfriend in our chat.  As I glanced at the text message notification on my phone I was immediately put off and didn’t want to read it.  I was out at a networking event and just wanted to go home.  It’s now becoming clearer that him having a girlfriend makes me feel uncomfortable.

Come to think of it, I always had a thing for drummer guy.  In fact, it was a toss up between him and my ex-boyfriend of nearly 4 years at one point.  And when I met with drummer guy and was in that relationship, I recall telling him that the relationship wasn’t all that serious.  At this point, I was well into the relationship too.  I always said that my relationships weren’t that serious because a part of me wanted to keep an open door for drummer guy.

I did feel validated when I picked someone else over him because he has a tendency to be a bit of a downer.  Drummer guy loves to complain (usually over text/messaging) and he someone that seems to be stuck in the past.  I’ve known him for a long time and so I know these things about him.  I remember thinking that it was good that I didn’t pick him, because I felt that he was the kind of person that wouldn’t do things with me.  There are certain things where he would just outright say no to such as going to social events and sporting activities.  I was also afraid that he would be the kind of person that could descend into a bit of a depressed state.

I want to just feel happy for him having a girlfriend now.  But it’s difficult for me not to love him.  I use the word love because I’ve known him for a long time and feel that I can use that word.  My love language is acts of service and drummer guy has done so much for me when it comes to acts of service.  At this point, I don’t know how I can not love him.  We’ve spent so much time together, and he’s done so much for me.

At the same time, even if he didn’t have a girlfriend it would be difficult because I’ve known him for so long.  We sometimes grow apart, but we come back again.  I’ve told him things about my past relationships that are pretty embarrassing.  I’ve shared with him when I was heartbroken, everything and he listened.  He has even shared with me his own heartbreak stories of girls that he liked when we were younger.  It would be too risky, plus another part of me thinks that if it was meant to happen then maybe it would have happened already.

 

Mystery Man is Moving to Asia

It’s now been over one year since mystery man and I broke-up.  With the break-up I also decided to cut out our group of mutual friends.  Only more recently did I decide that I am okay with passively reconnecting (mainly via social media) with a few of the people in that group.  Well, this morning I found out via Instagram stories that mystery man is moving to Asia!

Somehow this is still meaningful to me, even though I thought I had closed out that chapter.  It made me feel relieved, and I thought, “Yes, please move to Asia so that you will really be just a distant memory for me.”.  I thought about not having to worry about running into him (my close friend Raspberry lives in his building complex).

I’m over mystery man, but there is a part of my self-esteem that got hit really hard when we broke up and has not yet fully recovered.  A part of me still feels like I wasn’t good enough for him – because frankly, that’s what he told me and what he showed in his actions.  Him moving away validates that it wasn’t me.  And the self-conscious side of me very much needed this self-esteem boost.

 

 

Can’t Meet Love Interests at Business Events

I’ve been really busy with work and while I’m feeling quite content being focused on work, I am realizing that maybe I’m not getting myself out there enough.  I have zero dates lined up, none, zip.  And even if I did, putting it in my calendar might get a bit messy.  I’m starting my own company and the schedule is just insane.  I don’t even know how I was able to find so much time with volleyball coach before.  I mean, I do, but this was time that I could have spent building the business.  I feel like I wasted time with him, it didn’t feel productive because I don’t even think I got that much joy out of it.

I think that for the right person, I can find time.  Though, I know that is not the right mentality.  I need to make time and space for someone in my life.  See, I think the problem is that I thought that I could go to all of these networking events to meet people and it would serve dual purpose – business and personal.  I’m quickly finding out that there is little chance that these business networking events are going to lead to anything like that.  It’s not formal, but it’s just not the right setting and guys seem to have this switch for when they are in business mode.

So I need to think of something else.  Luckily for me, another single female friend of mine thought of this brilliant idea to host a singles night at a bar.  I’ve convinced her to call it a mixer.  I’m really excited for this.  It’s really exciting to think that there are so many opportunities out there.

In the past, when I’ve tried getting myself out there, some activities were just not so good.  I found that sports leagues are not good, people are really into the sporting aspect.  I found that singles events were terrible and attracted all sorts of random, weird and odd people of all ages.  Joining a fitness class, and doing yoga were not good activities because there’s not much social aspect after it is done.

What worked well?  Social events, like board game Meetup events.  In general, Meetup events worked well for meeting people who showed a love interest.  I’m part of a group that hosts exclusive food events, those were good too.  Online dating yielded a lot of dates, though I’m not sure the quality is there.  Although singles nights aren’t good, the singles events where there is a certain activity like a show worked well.  Going to parties where there are a lot of second degree friends were great provided that there are a lot of single people there.

So in short, I’ll be doing less networking events, and more social events.

Fuck Keeping an Open Mind

Since I’ve started writing this blog, I’ve been in the dating mindset of just keeping an open mind and giving people chances.  This may be the first time that all of that is out the door.  Sure, I’m all about keeping the door open to opportunities, but as soon as I see something that I feel is unfitting in a partner, I immediately close it.  I think that after years of keeping an open mind, I feel like I should be allowed to say that I know what I want and I’m going to go after just that!

On my online dating profile, I’m in incognito mode and I’m super selective of who gets to see me.  And then when a conversation starts and I find out something about them that doesn’t jive with me like if they are here visiting on a student visa, if they are only in town for the weekends and live in a different city, or if they seem a bit odd then I immediately block them.  If I’m at the stage where we’ve made it to chatting outside of the dating app, then I also just stop responding.  I used to keep an open mind and let the chatting continue, but I’ve decided against that now.

I really think that I have good judgement of people, and naturally, I think I err to giving people the benefit of the doubt.  And for most things in life, such as friendships, and business connections, this might be a good thing.  I even admit that in dating, it is a good thing too since it helped me learn a lot about myself.  When it comes to finding someone special however, I think that going with a gut feeling might be better.

I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what I’m looking for now, and I’m going to be picky about it.  I’m not going to waste my time trying to keep an open mind, when in fact, I know that it’s not what I’m looking for.  I’m changing it up and I’m putting my foot down.

I’m starting to feel really excited about being single and thinking about the possibilities of actually doing it all over again.  In some sense, it is incredibly fun feeling that maybe I can fall for someone new and feel excited and giddy all over again.