Self Reflection

I’ve been on a vacation adventure that is only 1.5 weeks, but because there is so much happening, each day seems like two full days.  I don’t think much about vacations when I book them and only get excited about it when I am boarding the plane.  All of my vacations without a significant other have been very introspective.  Just being away and being able to think about things outside of my usual routine at home allows me to have clearer thoughts.

That said, I feel much more aware of how good this healthy relationship with volleyball coach is for me.  This is exactly what I needed.  When people say they just “know” when they’ve met the one, I never thought that could happen to me, but now it has.  In my last post, I expressed that I didn’t know how I felt about never feeling that crazy excitement from being in an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship again.  Now after having time to contemplate on things, I can say that I am done with that forever.

I just want to go home and be content with what I have with volleyball coach.  It isn’t about settling, and more of being able to feel a stable and content feeling.  It is what I’ve now realize is true happiness in a relationship.  What I had in my past relationships were feelings of fun and excitement.  I recently heard someone preaching about how those feelings are just distractions to what true happiness actually is.  I couldn’t agree more.  My relationships with some friends in the same circle of friends as mystery man fall under the same category of just distractions too.  I finally feel like my life is falling into place, and this vacation has helped me to just accept it.

It’s not that I believe that volleyball coach and I are perfect for each other, we are not.  We are imperfect in our own ways and even together we are not perfect.  What I think makes it work is because we’ve both mentally decided that we want to be with each other.  This goes beyond compatibility and chemistry – while those things are important too, and is a factor in the decision, it is the actual conscious decision to want to be together that is more important.

I remember doing an internet search when I was feeling insecure while being with mystery man of whether chemistry is important in a relationship.  I didn’t receive a clear answer from the internet, but I think I got my answer by reflecting on my experiences.  Mystery man never made the decision that he wanted to be with me and that is why our relationship would never work.  It was as simple as that.  I cannot resent him for it because I’m sure he has his own personal reasons, but now I can move on from it with that understanding and an actual explanation that finally makes sense to me.  I feel like I absolutely made the right choice in distancing myself from him and our mutual group of friends.  I had to put myself first and discover what it is that I wanted to find my own happiness.

At the time when I was with mystery man, there was nothing more that I wanted in the relationship than to feel that my love for him and feelings to be with him were reciprocated.  Even after we parted, I still wanted these things.  I am now more at peace with what I have and I am able to accept that we will not be together.  I know that with each passing day, what we once had together will become more distant and I will be able to accept it as part of my journey.  It will help me find more appreciation in what I come to find in the future of my relationship with volleyball coach.

Stability

I realize that I’ve never been a relationship quite like the one that I am in with volleyball coach.  I’ve never been in a relationship where my significant other had a stable routine that he is content with.  Volleyball guy wakes up every morning to walk his dog,  shows up at work before 9am, then leaves around 5pm.  After work, he either has a social activity, sports activity or just goes home.  He sleeps at roughly the same time everyday.  This may  sounds like a typical routine for many people, but definitely not characteristic of the men that I’ve ever dated.  It is the first time in my life where I am coming to a realization that having a routine can be a good thing, and can bring about productivity.  I feel like volleyball coach is good for me in that he brings stability in my life, something I don’t think I’ve ever had before.

While I’ve worked a regular corporate jobs before, I’ve always been the ambitious kind and outside of working the usual core working hours I will also sporadically put in extra time in the evening and on weekends.  I seldom made an effort to make anything a routine, because I thought that was boring and so I guess I was also attracted to the same traits in the men that I dated.  I previously identified that all of the men that I like were really ambitious, but I think what really threw me for a loop were the lives that they lived.  

Thinking back, mystery man was self-employed.  The few months where he did have to go into the office he still had the freedom to come and go as he wished and he became so fed up with having to be in the office and that along with a few other factors had him leaving the company.  Socks jock was a student with 4-month co-op rotations.  I met him when he was on a work term, then he returned to being on a school term, and then he left to Miami on a work term.  We finally broke up when he moved back to school and decided to join a program that required him to live on residence.  After we broke-up he spent some time in Hong Kong.  It was an extremely turbulent relationship and we were not at all in the same spot in life.  Before that, I dated the traveller who was at first unemployed, then he worked an evening gig over the phone and eventually became an outside sales person that travelled very frequently.  My ex-boyfriend of four years before that was juggling full-time school with full-time hours doing pizza delivery until past midnight and a full social life.  We saw each other almost every day for a coffee and I would go stay over his place sometimes when he picked me up past midnight after his delivery shift.

Actually, dating these guys made my life crazier as I would sometimes meet them in whatever city they were currently staying.  I am myself a bit of a jetsetter and it’s no big deal for me to get on a plane to visit my significant other.  My previous job required me to travel roughly one month a week and that was one of the reasons why I took it.  I could travel and get paid for it, plus all of the additional bonuses of collecting frequent flyer points.  It made me feel like a big shot, and kept my life exciting.

More recently my life has been very structured.  I’ve been working a contract position that is relatively stress-free and has a bit more of a rigid schedule than what I am used to.  My life is more predictable and stable, and similarly my relationship with volleyball guy has become more predictable and stable.  Though it all seems very normal, especially when I type it out, the whole not being in a crazy relationship is all very new to me!

I do like volleyball coach a lot and this relationship has so much long-term potential.  It is just something that I am not used to, and I wonder if I can come to love volleyball coach as much as I loved my past partners.  Those partners that I’ve mentioned were all people that I thought I could be with long-term even though our relationships were so dynamic.  I was drawn to the volatility of those relationships and I know that being with volleyball coach will likely not feel quite like that.  I just don’t think that the love that I might feel for him in the future will compare to the intense feelings that I had for say, mystery man.  

I know that I am done with being with someone like mystery man ever again in my life.  There is no way in hell that I would knowingly sign myself up for that kind of rollercoaster of a relationship (if you’ve seen my Mystery Man series, you will see how insecure and unstable I was).  But to never feel that crazy high of a lover that burns hot and fast is something that I am afraid to come to terms with.  

Every morning I wake up now and I think about volleyball coach.  I think about volleyball coach throughout the day and I think about him when I am aroused.  When he sends me sweet messages, I gush and I appreciate all of the small things he does for me like opening doors and showing up at my place when he misses me.  I like him a lot.  The way that I am falling for him is different and I can’t help but wonder whether I will have to let go of this relationship high feeling that often comes with these unhealthy relationships that I was in before.  

If you’ve never felt this feeling before, it’s like an addictive feeling, like some kind of drug and when you break-up it’s like a crazy crash where your entire life is going through withdrawal from the toxic relationship mentally, physically, everything.  

An Easy Love

Volleyball coach makes it easy to be with him.  He makes the effort and reassures me of his desire to be with me.  Last week he was away for a few days for work.  When he got back, he asked what I was up to and made the effort to drive all the way downtown to see me.  We went for late night eats and ended back at my place where things got hot and heavy during a comedy special we were trying to watch.

We had sex together and he performed oral on my butt, yup, he tossed my salad.  I’ve never had that before and it was certainly a new feeling that threw me off.  It wasn’t so much of a turn-on as it was exciting and weird.  I think that would enjoy a move like that more if I was more comfortable with him.  I already know that volleyball coach is kinky from the way he puts his hands around my neck when he kissed me once, and I like it.  The idea that there’s so much more to discover and try is what excites me.

I wanted him to stay the night, but he couldn’t so he said he would stay over on Saturday instead.  Saturday we took the dogs out and he was so patient with the pups, we watched a late night movie and I was too tired afterwards so I just fell asleep.  We had our own things to do on Sunday morning, and Sunday evening we arranged to meet with my cousin and her boyfriend on a dog play date.  We had 3 troublesome puppies in the mix and he was oh so supportive and patient.

After that weekend, I thought he’d be sick of my company, and in past relationships, I usually try to give a little bit of space after a weekend spent together.  Volleyball coach still continued to message me and even phoned me for a chat before bed!  I am so impressed!  A man that picks up the phone and rings you is so rare to find these days.  He makes it easy to be with him.

I realize that I am so much more appreciative of these things that volleyball coach does, because I’ve been in one too many relationships with men that just was not ready to love.  Volleyball coach is not at all perfect, but all of the things that need to be there for this relationship to work seems to be there.

I realize that a smooth and steady relationship is not one that is interesting to read about, but if you want a crazy and turbulent kind of story, there are plenty to choose from in my past posts.

Making Space to Feel Content

I’ve not felt this content in a very long time.  I’ve been working a lot on my body while being single and it has paid off.  Dating volleyball coach also means volleyball classes every Saturday and I’ve really been enjoying that.  Every time I pass by a mirror, I can’t help but check out how my body is looking ultra sexy.  Since leaving my stressful job, I am feeling a lot better mentally and have more time to focus on other areas of my life.

The one thing that I learned that really paid off has been the concept of creating space.  I spoke before about literally cleaning up and decluttering to create space for better things in life.  I’ve applied that idea to everything.  Everything I do now, I ask the question of how it makes me feel and I’ve learned a lot about myself in doing so.  Cutting out people in my life that I do not necessarily enjoy spending time with.  Spending time with others as just a past time, and not really connecting with them is not a good use of time.  I am now more selective of who I spend time with and how often I spend time with them.

I am so grateful to have met volleyball coach and he makes me feel like we have a high school kind of love.  It is sweet and it is simple and I feel like it is exactly what I needed.  I know that it is really early on, and probably too early to say this, but I think that he might be “the one”.  I mean, why not?  It’s not like I’ve his this feeling with anybody else.

It’s not the feeling of being infatuated or a deeper connection.  It is simply that we are on the same page about where we would like the relationship to go – simple as that.  And we are ready for it.  I mean, imagine if I was still working at my previous job, travelling every month, managing multiple projects that all seemed like they could fall apart any minute.  I would not be ready for this kind of relationship and it would probably deter me to live that kind of lifestyle.

It really has been a long time since I’ve felt this content.  As I was driving home today I was thinking about how much calmer I am.  I felt so much anxiety in my life in the past year, so much need to appease other people and to be wanted in a relationship that was not working.  Right now, things feel so easy and it makes me feel at ease to know that I just need to keep doing what I am doing to see this relationship progress.

It seriously feels so good and refreshing to be with someone that reciprocates my feelings, cares about me, and is openly affectionate.  I’ve spent such a long time being with someone that I was trying to pry open, trying to show them how great I am and trying to convince them that we made a great team.  I was disrespected so many times and had so many doubts about myself because of it.  The one thing that I can take out of the relationship that I had was that at least now I can truly be grateful.  Every time he says that he is so lucky to have met me, I think that I am so lucky to be with someone that thinks he is lucky to be with me.

Hot and Heavy with Volleyball Coach

Last week was really busy and so I didn’t end up seeing volleyball coach again until Saturday during volleyball classes.  He keeps things casual as I walk into the class.  I thought he would be coaching my intermediate class, but he ended up getting the beginners class.  I realized that I was relieved because I actually feel quite nervous with him.  It’s a good kind of nervous though, but probably not helpful when I’m trying to focus.  I could tell that he was planning how to spend the most amount of time together this weekend given our schedules and I love that he is the planner and he is considerate about the fact that I have my dogs.

After class he was asking me if I wanted to go out for food, and I was debating it, but another girl in the class chimed in to say that she’d be up for it.  I don’t think she realized that we were seeing each other until we got to the restaurant and volleyball coach was holding my hands, but luckily she brought another friend with her.  After lunch we went to our separate homes to shower, walk our dogs and I had to do a bit of work that morning.  He came over in the evening and was clearly tired but still tried his best to bring some activity to the evening.  We went shopping and held hands the whole time.  Volleyball coach affection makes me feel like I’m in high school again.  He even sends me kissy emojis.

We got take out for dinner and I paid.  It seems he doesn’t like to fight for the bill, but he did voice that he would like it if he paid next time and I agreed.  After dinner, we watched some stand-up comedy but things got hot and heavy as we made out on the couch.  I felt like it was too early to be intimate with him.  I think I’ve become so much more reserved now since my last relationship.  I know that sex means a lot to me, and can make me feel attached.  It scares me and  I told him that we were still just trying to get to know each other.  He tried really hard to get with me, but in the end we just made out and he went home.   I’m sure he was frustrated, but definitely not disgruntled.  He understood and was nice about it.  He talked about deleting our dating apps earlier which I brushed off, but I brought it up this time and he was very willing to do it. He said he would see me the next day (Sunday).

Sunday evening, he asked me to come to his place.  We went grocery shopping and tried again to get through the same stand-up comedy show, but again things just got really hot and heavy.  Being at his place felt more comfortable for me, because I really do feel like my place holds a lot of memories of my past relationship that makes it not feel right for me.  We had a little bit of sex, meaning we gave oral and we had sex for a little bit, but I felt uncomfortable and asked him to stop and I finished him off orally.  Actually, he isn’t very big, but it feels like it has been so long since I’ve had sex (nearly 6 months) that I just didn’t physically feel ready.  It also doesn’t help that the lights were on, all of them!  And while I am currently loving my new toned body, I still couldn’t get over the fact that our first time is with all the lights on.

I love that he is great with communication.  There are no games when it comes to him, he just a really simple and basic man and that’s exactly what I realize is best for me.  He asked me after if I wanted to have kids, if I was willing to move uptown and live the suburbia life.  I said yes and it was a simple and easy yes to all of those questions.  At dinner afterwards, I asked him questions about our viewpoints on tattoos, past relationships, what our strong personality traits were.  I think we really connected in a deep way.  I shared about my past relationship with ex-boyfriend which I was in for 4 years and I talked about how I realize that shared values are important.  I also shared that communication about serious topics and being confrontational is very difficult for me.

When I got home I texted him to thank him for the lovely night and he said he thought I was amazing.  It feels so good to be dating someone that actually reciprocates and addresses the serious thought of where the relationship could go.  A man that is straight-forward with what he thinks, able to connect and have serious discussions, and has control over his life.  He is a simple kind of man, and the kind that I never would have piqued my interest before.

While I haven’t shut down my dating apps yet, it’s more out of pure laziness than anything.  It is so much work just to shut down an account, and it’s not as simple as deleting the app.  I’m thinking that I can do it next week and make it a cause for celebration together!

Filipino man has not initiated any conversations with me in over a week, and right now I am too focused on volleyball coach.  I have such a good feeling with volleyball coach and I think I just need more time with him to get to know him better and feel more comfortable with him.

 

Volleyball Coach Making Strides

Volleyball coach is making good strides in the relationship.  We cooked together on Sunday and we had planned to watch some comedy and have dinner together… except I forgot that I had to go to dinner with friends so I asked if he wanted to come.  He totally just went with the flow, even though he was trying to be on a strict diet.  He drove to dinner and then back down again to pack up the food, help me clean and squeeze in some time to make-out.  I love that volleyball coach likes to hold hands.  He initiates it a lot and even holds my hand under the table.

Volleyball coach invited me to dinner with his friends on Monday.  Turns out, I knew two of the friends… I’m not sure if he was completely okay with that.  I guess, it could be awkward if you don’t know what the relationship was.  Of course he is unsure whether I’ve dated them before or anything like that.  I seem to know a lot of people that he knows, but not so much the other way around.

During dinner, I think I may have taken more than my fair share of the delicious brisket… and I feel bad about it because I didn’t realize.  Volleyball coach however did realize, but I’m not sure if he is okay with it.  Another uncomfortable moment was when the bill came.  We had our bill separated out and he didn’t quickly offer to pay, even though I think there was room to offer.  My opinion is that in front of his friends, I want to let him be the man and pay for the bill but his hesitation had me putting down my credit card.  Then he offered to pay his half, but he didn’t have enough cash so he said he would owe me.  This was awkward for me.  I insisted on paying and he accepted.

I think some of this uncomfortableness comes from his not realizing what he is doing is making me feel uncomfortable.  And the other side of that is that I have expectations that might be a bit unrealistic.  I can tell that he really cares about me.

What is different about volleyball coach is that I do actually see him in a sexual way.  Even during our first meeting, I can see that side of him, even before I thought I could be interested in him.  I’m less reluctant now and I look forward to seeing him.  I don’t want the relationship to get sexual because I just don’t think it has that much substance quite yet.  I am feeling that excitement when thinking of being with him, and I think that needs to linger a bit longer to build up that fire, that passion.

 

Volleyball Coach and Filipino Man

I’m dating both volleyball coach and Filipino man right now.  On Friday, I went out with Filipino man for dinner and a movie.  I was not impressed that I offered him my Friday and he didn’t make plans until the day of.  It’s funny because I used to be okay with that all the time.  My standards are higher now.  He picked a movie and bought us some nice reserved tickets in the IMAX theatre.  We went for ramen and he told me how his work contract will not be renewed and he is planning to do some travelling for an undefined amount of time.  That all sounds great and exciting and I like a guy that appreciates travel, though it doesn’t sound he’s looking for anything serious.  He is quite a bit older than me (7 years).  He doesn’t seem more mature than me and does not seem to have stability.  He is looking for a new place, looking to travel and live elsewhere.  Filipino man was touchy at certain points throughout the date, just a brush here, and his arms was around me at some point too.  I appreciated the touchiness because I want to see how I felt with him physically.

Saturday morning, I agreed to go to a volleyball training session with volleyball coach.  I thought we were going together, but turns out he was coaching on that particular day.  I admit that it was really sexy to see him in his element.  He’s a great volleyball coach and clearly knows what he’s doing.  He made me feel nervous about my own skills!  Nervousness was a good feeling because it means that I care enough to be nervous about it.  He coached me like the other players, but we still got to chat in-between breaks.  After volleyball, we went to grab a bite and I was waiting to meet up with my family but it took longer than expected.  We walked around the local mall.  He initiated holding hands and then kissing… our first kiss was in a ghetto grocery store in a local mall.  It was sweet, and my type of romance.  The date continued on as my family was really late and he invited me back to his place to shower.  We took turns showering and I met his dog.  He initiated more kissing and it felt nice, but I admit that I was nervous again.  I enjoyed it a lot to my own surprise though I wanted to keep things slow.

Volleyball coach is really breaking down this barrier that I had and even I am surprised.  This is the first time after my break-up that I’ve felt nervous about someone, because I’m actually starting to like volleyball coach.  I have no doubts that he also feels the same way.  He asked me to stay, but I said that I had to go meet up with my parents.

I’m quite certain that I like volleyball coach.  And I’m glad that it is volleyball coach and not Filipino man.  Filipino man is not ready for something serious.