My focus seems like it is waning. When I am away from Volleyball Coach, I miss him, and I get excited to see him next. Then when I actually am with him, I feel so bothered. I want to be this nice girlfriend, but I don’t like the way he treats me. Though he’s nice to me, it’s like I want more and it makes me wonder if I’m being unreasonable.
Dating someone that is very different than you is really difficult. He wakes up early and makes breakfast for me, serves it to me and even responsibly goes to walk the dog and buy me coffee. He’s wonderful in that way, though he nags me about wanting to stay in bed and this particular morning he wondered out loud whether I would be ready for the responsibility of children. I’ve just not been feeling well recently because we’re trying this diet, and although I am losing weight and feeling thinner, my mood is just so variable and it is really taking a toll on the relationship.
I’m tired when I see Volleyball Coach, and when I’m tired I want to relax, and cuddle. On the other hand, his idea of relaxing is watching videos together. If he is really tired, he will sleep. Today, he fell asleep next to me and I just looked at him wondering whether I can be with him for the rest of my life. I laid there with my eyes wide open, just staring at the ceiling and pondering. Every guy that I’ve dated comes with a nugget of shit, every single one and I guess the question is whether I can deal with his.
Volleyball Coach is a loving, emotionally invested and caring guy. What I seem to look for is someone that I can trust to take care of me, so that I can mentally feel like I can relax. Volleyball Coach is that guy for me, which is why I did feel something special about our relationship. The problem is that he doesn’t let me slack off. He calls me out for things such as not eating properly, being lazy in the morning, not exercising enough, not cleaning my sink, not disciplining my dog. I honestly have not had anyone call me out in this way before, and it feels like he is criticizing my life, parenting me even. I’m sure he doesn’t mean it in this way, but it certainly feels like it. What I want is for him to take care of me and make my life easier. Rather than helping me, he is this life coach that just preaches idealistic shit to me.
One example – he says that I can better optimize my place so that I can have more storage space. I completely agree, but installing additional shelves and furniture for me is difficult because I don’t have the proper tools and I am not good at it. The last time I got furniture I hired a handyman to help put it together, and Volleyball Coach is all about doing it himself and convinces me that is the way to do it and says he would help me. We had a full conversation about how I am too quick to just hire someone to do things like this and it is a waste of money. I start making notes about what pieces I’d like to buy, and eventually ended up getting just one big piece for the foyer. Well, this big piece has been sitting in my foyer, still in the box for over a week and Volleyball Coach has almost forgotten about his promise to help me. He’s now opened to the idea of me hiring my handyman again… which is kind of not the point here.
Second example – So we’re trying out this ketogenics diet, which in a nutshell is an extremely low carb, high fat diet. The reason for this is because he had been gaining weight, apparently since we’ve started dating. He implied that we were both getting out of shape, which threw me off because I’m quite happy with myself actually. Anyway, I decided to support his diet, though I don’t have a weight loss goal I was curious to see if it worked. I’ve been really diligent on the diet, but after 3 weeks of being on this diet, I am seeing too much fluctuation in my mood and how I physically feel. He’s telling me to push through it and implying that I’m probably not doing the diet correctly and not eating properly. He’s basically preaching the ketogenics diet like it’s a bible, which kind of scares me. It’s something new that we’re both trying and we’re not sure the effects it will have, and I think a proper response if I’m not feeling well should be concern, and not continuous preach.
What it comes down to is that I feel like for most of my life I have to fend for myself. I fought for my career, worked hard for a lot of things in my life. What I’m starting to appreciate as I grow older is that sometimes I have to take it easy for certain things in life. What I look for in a man is one that I can trust to take care of me (should I need it) and to help me simplify my day-to-day life. While dating Volleyball Coach, I felt that he was a simple man that I can take notes from to enjoy the simple things in life. Though recently I just feel like it’s not that simple. This relationship is bringing on new challenges in my life and it makes me question whether I can be more flexible.
I do feel like when someone has been single for a long time, or not in a serious relationship for a long time, they get used to it and there is some adjustments that need to be made to allow them to adapt to being in a relationship. I wonder if that is the case with me, and that maybe I am more difficult to be with than I think. Two people, with two very different lives, I mean how could I think that it would be easy to just combine our lives?