The FWB Wants to go on Vacation

The Rock Climber, who is in essence, my FWB (friends with benefits) messages me tonight (Friday night), and I’m thinking he wants to go for a booty call again and I’m not really feeling it tonight.  My sex drive is low all of a sudden, maybe just where I am in my cycle.  He surprises me, and asked if I want to join him on a two-week trip to Thailand!  He’s leaving on Sunday, which is in two days.

Okay, so yes, this is crazy and I politely declined, but it isn’t all that out there.  We were both world travelling consultants before, and now he’s in sales.  We live or at least I lived that lifestyle where I could just up and go.  At any given time, we have thousands of travel points racked up and travel status for some extra perks.  A weekend getaway to another city is totally not far fetched, but Asia for two-weeks on a two day notice is most certainly pushing it.

And okay, yes asking your FWB to go on vacation is also shocking, especially since he has a significant other.  I’m not going to lie, I considered it.  I need a vacation, but the next two weeks for me are scheduled out already.  So when I declined, he also mentioned to me that he is going to Las Vegas with his boys, gave me a specific date that he’ll be there and told me to “swing by” if I happen to be around either Phuket or Vegas.  Great.

And maybe the crazier thing out of all of this is that I actually considered it.  I actually gave it some real thought.  I think I like the idea of being able to just be spontaneous and just get up and go.  What does that say about me?

So let’s recap the facts.  He is my FWB, but actually, it sounds like he has a significant other in a nearby city (7 hour drive, 2 hour flight away).  While my work allows me to work remotely most of the time, I actually have a packed schedule the next two weeks including a few days of mandatory face time.  This aside, I’ve also been dating Mr. International for approximately 3 months now.  Even if I go away on a long weekend getaway, what am I going to tell him about who I’m going with!?

And okay, going away to these party cities, Rock Climber sounds like he’s just trying to get really wasted, meet people and very likely, hook up with them!  I mean, if having an affair for him is not a big deal, then what’s another to add to the books?  And really, let’s be honest, I’m not as much of a partyer.  I come out with him, I enjoy having a few drinks and I enjoy getting wasted, but I hate meeting people at the clubs, dancing in a crowded, dark environment and having superficial connections with people – skip all that shit for me, I was into it for the hookup with him.

Anyway, in short – no, I’m not going on vacation with him because that is crazy, but it is concerning that I even gave it this much thought.  It kind of scares me and makes me feel like I’m addicted to this crazy adrenaline-filled lifestyle.



A Moment of Happiness

I write about a lot of things on this blog, but I want to capture this moment that I’m having today where I can say that I truly feel happy! And it’s not actually because my love life is so great, but overall, I feel fulfilled.

I’ve been struggling with starting my own business for about a year now and letting go of a significant salary was hard for me. Today, I reviewed my financials and for the first time it is looking like my company is stabilizing and in the green. It’s finally in a spot where I can say that it looks like it’s sustainable and trending well.

It was beautiful out and so I went for a jog at my own pace. I really think that I prefer physical activities where it is me against myself. I just feel so much pressure pinning myself against others.

I don’t feel burdened by my romantic relationships. Mr. International came over yesterday and he seems to consistently be making plans with me. Even though we didn’t text much today, I didn’t care. I wasn’t obsessed about it. Our relationship isn’t what I envisioned my ideal relationship to be, but I’m comfortable and not on edge all the time like I was when I was with Mystery Man. I’m very comfortable that we’re not yet exclusive – I mean, I still have this ongoing fling with the Rock Climber.

My family is well and happy. I now have a good relationship with them, as compared to when I lived under the same roof as them.

I mean, things aren’t amazingly overly great, and all these aspects that I mentioned can change in a moments notice, but I do feel like there is some stability. I feel content, and as much as I miss the consulting life I also remember how lonely it was to travel, hang out with myself, work like crazy and go home to this partner that had little respect for me and made me feel on edge! At that time, I felt that each moment was fleeting, and it kind of was. My mood was very dependent on how the relationship was seemingly going.

I don’t feel the urgency to move quickly into the next stage of my life. I feel like I’m just enjoying this stage right now. I used to feel like I’m falling behind and should look for that forever partner, but now, I can see how hard it is to make a relationship work that I’m okay with being single for a little while longer.

I think right now, the success of my business is driving my happiness more than my romantic relationships. I’ve always been career driven, but this entrepreneurship success means more. It means that I can have more control over my work life and thus have more flexibility in my own life.

I’m writing this blog because I think I wanted to capture what it is that makes me happy. Happiness is such a delicate balance. Sometimes I go on these crazy wild adventures, and while it’s crazy fun, I don’t think I need that to feel content. I’m not going to kid myself and say that I don’t need a partner to be happy though, that’s bullshit. I’ve been somewhat content and even felt refreshed being single but I always knew that there was something missing at the same time.

Drunken Affairs and Distractions

So as I mentioned in my last post, Mr. International did not give me much attention this week as he was understandably busy.  Friday night however, I think we could have done something, but he called in a quiet night and just stayed in.  This is when the Rock Climber called me out, so I got excited and was down for that.  Just as I’m getting ready to meet Rock Climber, Mr. International calls me and talks to me over the phone for about an hour, before I decide that I really need to leave.  Although his gesture is sweet, it didn’t change my mind about having a fun night out with the Rock Climber.

I go pick up some beer and get to the Rock Climber’s place.  Turns out, his house party was just a few people.  We had some time to ourselves to pre-drink as his friends headed to the club first.  I joked and called him a loser since nobody showed up at his “party”, and he also gave me the same attitude and said that it was easy to convince me to come out since I’m so into him.  I denied that was the case.  We had a few drinks, and as we walked to the club, he made a note to ask me if I was seeing anyone, I said I was seeing someone, but it’s fairly new.  He said he wanted to let me know that he’s seeing someone.  He said he’s been seeing her for about a year now!  That’s a long time.  I asked if they talked about being exclusive and he said no.

I’m usually really respectable of someone else’s man, but it cannot erase what we’ve already done together because I didn’t know he was seeing someone else.  And at this point in the night, I felt like we were too far into the idea of hooking up already.  We meet some of his friends at the club, a small group of guys and another girl.  Honestly didn’t feel like we were there for that long, had a few drinks talked to the guys and caught back up with him.  At this point I’m getting pretty drunk, although this time around he told me to keep it together because it seems like this girl that he brought “knows people” and that to me sounds like she has some kind of connection with his girlfriend.

We stumble back to his place, and like the first night that we hooked up, this part is quite a blur to me.  From what I can piece out of it, I came back to his bed, he took my clothes off and I think he asked me to be on top.  We did not use a condom initially, but he later put one on before he came.  It’s a bit of a blur what happened next, but I know we had sex yet again and this time he was behind me, and he eventually used a condom when he came.  I enjoyed the drunken sex, even though it was really hazy.

I woke up in the morning.  I wasn’t even cuddled up next to him like I was last time.  I have no feelings of guilt.  In the morning, my head hurt like crazy and I don’t know why i was in such a rush to leave.  Oh yeah, that’s right, he mentioned the night before that he had to get up early to drive up to the cottage but instead decided to stay in the city (possibly to hook up with me?).  I didn’t want to impose and yeah I just felt an urgency to leave.  Before I left though, I snuggled up over his covers to kiss him and although it was not my intentions, I could feel his hard dick right against my body.  I made a conscious decision to have sex with him again.

I was on top, didn’t use a condom initially again, but eventually he put one on.  I could feel that I was a bit sore from the night before.  I didn’t cum, but it felt good to make him cream one more time.  I look over on the night stand, and I see two other filled condoms from the night before, which is what jogged my memory about what happened.  I smiled, said that he was so much fun.  As I got dressed he said it’s funny that our relationship is purely sexual, and I said we should do it again.  He made a joke about how we should go rock climbing, have some beers and do it again.  I felt good that we were able to establish that this was casual.

I go home and get along with my life.  Later that evening when I was at my parent’s place, I get a phone call from the Rock Climber.  I thought maybe I forgot something or maybe he decided to not go to the cottage and wanted to do something (okay, long shot).  I pick up the call, and he seemed to be having a mini panic attack about whether we were responsible the night before about using protection.  He asked what day of my cycle I am on, I said that I would check my app and text him.  I kind of got irritated that he was calling me to freak out, and it didn’t help that I’m at my parent’s place and not able to freely talk about it.  I recall saying, “why would you call me to freak out about this?”.  I just felt like I wanted a fun night.  I was on day 20 of my cycle, not entirely safe, but I also knew we used condoms.  I think the risk is relatively low and the other part of me wants to just put it behind me, although I did start seriously contemplating that I need to consider other methods.

Sunday rolls around and I go over to see Mr. International.  We had planned to go to a conference and check out the outlet mall together.  Mr. International seemed to be coming down with a cold.  We went to the conference, fell asleep for a nap and then headed to the outlet mall.  Mr. International paid for dinner and he even tried to pay for my gas, which I adamantly refused to let him.  He was thankful that I drove him to the mall.  While filling up gas, I received an urgent text message from one of my clients.  I called them back and the situation just escalated and my client is just spazzing at me over text messages after our phone conversation.  This really threw me off mentally.  I was distracted the whole time after the gas station call.

We got back to Mr. International’s place, and here I am trying to put the situation behind me as there was nothing I could do about it until Monday morning!  We started watching a show and Mr. International seemed to be getting a bit frisky.  I actually wanted to see if he would make a move this time since usually it’s me.  I figured since I got my fix this weekend already, that I would play it cool.  Mr. International loves foreplay, we did some massages, but when he put a condom on, he went soft and it took a long time to get him back up.  And even as we were having sex, he lost it again.  This had never happened before.  Finally he took the condom off, and we enjoyed it for a bit, and he eventually finished by rubbing himself against my stomach.  It seemed really like a lot of effort.

I told Mr. International afterwards that I should consider going on the pill.  He said surprisingly that even if I did go on the pill he wouldn’t finish inside.  Interesting, that’s really quite conservative of him.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I start talking to him about contraceptives and aside from saying it’s my choice, he actually was really trying to avoid the conversation!  We cuddled a bit, and we talked a bit about my work, and also his career trajectory and how he will need to do a part-time MBA program to get to the level that he wants to be at.  He’s quite career-driven.  I think I’m now a bit uncomfortable because of my work situation, my mind is on that, and at the same time I felt that we haven’t really talked about our own relationship.  And I don’t think we need to have the talk about being exclusive, but really, there is no future planning together.  It’s a week by week relationship, and while he plans more than other guys that I’ve been with, I don’t necessarily get the idea that he’s serious yet.  Anyway, as I put my clothes back on after having sex with Mr. International, I see him staring at my chest / stomach.  I feel so self-conscious!  I feel that maybe I’ve gained some weight.  I hate the way we ate the whole day starting with fries that he made on a whim, skipped lunch and had me getting by on chocolate covered pretzels and jelly beans and then had a huge sit-down dinner.  I don’t know, overall I think I ended the weekend off on a bit of a sour note, maybe it was the client getting to me.

I guess I’m a bit of a disaster.  I think at the very least I should be monitoring when I am ovulating, I’m considering Natural Cycles.  I wouldn’t mind going on birth control pills, but I’m really riding this sex drive high at the moment.  I find that birth control pills make me feel complacent and I never get that feeling of excitement, which apparently in the past works well for long-term relationships, but I’m not so sure this is what I have with Mr. International yet.  And if we’re not going to have unprotected sex when I go on the pills then what is the point even.

I leave Mr. International’s place entirely distracted by my work situation, and also feeling negative because I don’t feel that he is what I want.  I feel that maybe I realize that he’s not yet giving me 100%, which is why I feel the need to go elsewhere.  Mr. International cannot satisfy my sex drive as it is, and above that, emotionally I don’t feel like I get what I need.  I don’t feel guilty about going to the Rock Climber for that extra attention, excitement and sexual satisfaction.  And honestly, I’m not so sure that Mr. International is entirely dedicated to me at this point.  Sometimes I think he is, but if opportunity knocks at his door, I’m not so sure that he’d turn it down because of me.

I think that maybe my relationship with Mr. International can continue developing, but I don’t know if it will.  I also am not entirely certain that I could be with someone like Mr. International forever.  I think having the fling with the Rock Climber has made me less blinded to his quirks.  He is very particular in how he lives his life, how he organizes his life, and he is actually a bit OCD.  Furthermore, he has certain qualities that I’m not sure I can live with like how he is generally not a very nice person to those outside of his circle.  And while the sex with him is good, I don’t like that he cannot come from just a handjob or blowjob alone.  I see this as being kind of difficult to please him, and that he is also particular in that respect.

As difficult as it is for me to say it, but I think having this perspective and keeping a level head (by having a fling), has made me have a realistic view of this relationship, and it is most unfortunate for me to say that I think Mr. International and I are a bit of a long shot, at least at this point.

I Still Feel Single

So after spending a whole weekend with Mr. International, there wasn’t much weekday activity.  I know he said that he would be going to a wedding on Saturday and even made plans for us to hang out on Sunday together.  It was really starting to feel like we’re in a relationship together, and so I was all about focusing on it.  Earlier in the week, he went to do archery tag.  He hadn’t gone in awhile and when asked about it, he said that he was going to take a step back from that.  Is it because he’s in a relationship with me now?  He asked me whether I think he should do archery tag – I said that’s up to him.

I asked Mr. International to go rock climbing with me.  I was getting this hint from him that he wanted to do activities together with me.  He was up for it, but then at the very last minute (morning of) he backed out and said that he was going to go for a massage instead, one of his sketchy Chinatown massages.  I went rock climbing with Raspberry and he was impressed to see how much I had improved!  Must be all the climbing with the Rock Climber.  He also told me that he’s seeing someone now in the west coast and that made me feel happy for him and more open about me seeing other people.  We’re platonic, but I do feel bad going on about my dating stories when he’s having a hard time getting any.

The Drummer guy who I had a thing with back around Christmas messaged me in the middle of the night and told me his girlfriend broke up with him.  I just don’t feel anything for him at the moment because we just haven’t maintained that connection.  I texted him about his situation and we’ve been exchanging some messages.

Mr. Photographer still messages me, but I think he’s pathetic now.  He just can’t get his life together.  He can’t get over his last relationship, but he just wants to booty call me the last time we spoke.  I really had high hopes for him before and he just fell short.  We still have some playful texts and I nearly agreed to do a sexy phone sex call with him, mainly because he said he’s never done it before.  But then I thought about it again and was like, why am I even going through the effort for him?  He told me he has some new business ventures and might go and live in Vietnam for awhile, he’s so much more immature than I thought.

Friday night, Mr. International got excited about getting his unicycle.  That made me excited and I suggested that we take it out for a test spin and I can clean and bring my bike.  Mr. International said that it needed to charge and then went MIA.

I called out my girlfriend on Friday and she said she’s working.  So here I am chilling at home on a Friday night when the Rock Climber, who I said was acting really odd around me after we hooked up a few weeks ago messages me back!  I sent him a message to tell him I did well last time we went climbing.  He messages a day later to invite me over to party at his place, party starts at 10pm.  Clearly this is a booty call, but I got nothing going for me, why not?

I did say that I was going to focus on Mr. International, but even Mr. International is not 100% there for me like that at this point, or at least it doesn’t feel like it.  I just don’t feel like my sexual needs are being fulfilled by Mr. International and right now my sex drive really high for some reason.

Faking My Fitness Level

I spent the weekend again with Mr. International.  We went to a marathon expo (he’s really into running) and we just relaxed at his place and did our usual making dinner and cuddling.  I won’t get into too much detail because it’s just our usual weekends together now.  Although we won’t be seeing each other next weekend since he’s going to a coworker’s wedding and I have a mother’s day family get together.

So Sunday comes around and we were thinking about going to the mall together, but then I threw out the idea of going for a run.  I remembered that his Tinder profile said he was looking for someone to go running with.  I’m intimidated, because while I do a bit of running, I’m by no means a runner.  He seemed up for the run, but was worried about my recently injured ankle.  I told him it was fine, and it is not my ankle that I’m worried about, but my fitness.

We started out walking.  I suggested that we go for a light jog (I’m not sure what his usual speed is).  He agreed, and we started jogging at a moderate pace along the lake.  It doesn’t help that I was not wearing a sports bra and wearing glasses that were falling down my face.  Excuses aside, I really just wasn’t in shape, but I wanted to suck it up.  The first stretch wasn’t so bad, and we started walking across a busy intersection area.  Then we went for a second stretch, and at some point I stopped and I think he took my cue to walk.  I was so winded!  My back hurt, I was cramping heavily in my stomach.  I was thinking he would suggest walking back but it was too much for me and so I said I needed to use the washroom.

I’m totally trying to hide how winded I am at this point.  I go use the washroom and plop myself on a toilet that wasn’t flushed even.  I didn’t care.  I was cramping so badly.  I sat there for probably 15 minutes as waves of cramps hit me.  I felt so shitty, but I wasn’t going to let him see me like this.  I finally get up, wash my hands and exit the washroom with a smile.  He joked about me taking so long, and I just said I was doing my business.  I would rather tell him that I’m taking a dump than admit that I’m already exhausted from the run.

As we head back to his place, it started raining lightly.  I’m still trying to play like I’m fine and hoping that my body gives me a second wind.  I boldly say that if we were going to head back that we should run since it’s raining.  He seemed reluctant to run further, and that made me feel bad.  I feel like either he knew I was winded, or at this point he figured that I can’t keep up with his pace.  He told me to run ahead and he would catch-up, which makes me think for sure that I’m going too slowly.  There was a small stretch where I sprinted around the corner, hid and tried to scare him… but really it was just another excuse to stop running.

I thanked him for entertaining me with the run, and said I realized that I’m a bit out of shape.  In reality, I’m not just out of shape… I’m just not a runner and I think I’m putting myself up for failure like that.  We both are active, but he is good at things that require endurance and agility like ultimate frisbee, soccer, archery tag.  I’m more about exercises with core, balance and a bit of strength like yoga, rock climbing, pole dancing.  It doesn’t make me feel any less shitty though.  I think I want to be this girl that he is looking for, this running buddy that he posted for on Tinder.  He asked me to join a muay thai gym with him.  I like trying new things, but being active doesn’t mean you can do anything I think.  I want to do everything with him, I do.  I like him a lot and I think a shared hobby would be great… except the sports that he likes are totally outside of my comfort zone.

I guess my choices are to say no, or to just suck it up and get in shape.  I guess it is a good motivator for me.

It Meant Something to Him

I was thinking more about what happened with the Rock Climber, and I think the reason why it was so awkward after we hooked-up is maybe, in some way, it meant something to him.  I’m sure he gets his action in with other girls, but at our age, there is still that mindfulness and thought that goes into who it is we decide to sleep with.  If he really didn’t care about the fling, he wouldn’t have over compensated and acted awkward about it or purposely keep a distance between me.  Of course we had a connection, but clearly we both don’t want it to progress.

I am more seasoned now, and maybe it can be seen as being jaded, but I’ll call it seasoned.  I’m more aware of the situation now.  I know that yeah, I felt a little hurt that he is purposely ignoring me because we clearly clicked and have a lot in common but at the same time I also understand where he is coming from.  He doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he is not in the spot to be in a relationship, and he is the kind of person that wants to just keep going and living his life.  Actually, I’m not going to even use the word relationship – he’s not even in a spot in his life where he can genuinely have this type of connection with anyone.  He purposely chooses this life that he lives, a travelling sales person who lives it up in a big way.  Not only that, but I can tell from the get-go that I’m not the kind of person that fits into “his type”, and as someone that is more seasoned, I realize how much more important that is for a man than it is for a woman.  I used to live this life of his, and I think seeing a piece of it dangling in front of me made me miss it, made me feel a bit insecure about what I’m currently doing, particularly career-wise and for a second I wanted the thrill of it.

I’m going to be honest and say that I also did it because I was insecure.  The truth is that I don’t know where this relationship with Mr. International (the man that I’ve been dating for awhile now) is going.  It seems like it is going well.  He seems to genuinely care for me and wants something longer-term with me, but it isn’t entirely clear where it is going.  It felt like I was getting really into him, and I could feel myself losing control over the situation.  I wanted to think that by sleeping with the Rock Climber that I was regaining that sense of control while at the same time getting a taste of what it feels like to live that free life.

There’s a lot of good things happening in my relationship with Mr. International.  We see each other even more often now.  This past week, I think I saw him three times and I even stayed over on a weeknight.  I’ve seen him every weekend now since I’ve known him.  I know that I fall into this “type” that he is looking for, and that’s a good thing for the relationship.  I don’t want to rush into defining it, and I’m actually trying to figure things out on my side too but maybe that’s because I’m trying so hard not to fall for him.  I’m jaded, and maybe we both are, yes, we both are.  We’ve seen so many relationships come and go that I can sense that we’re both apprehensive and want to be sure about it.

I’m scared.  I’m no longer this person that freely loves.  I’m afraid to fall for him, and I’m afraid that he might hurt me and I don’t want to go through all of that again.  But what really is the alternative, right?  It’s kind of like that time when I was one kilometer into a five kilometer obstacle course and couldn’t exit, because there simply was no exit.  I just had to finish it.  I have to see it through with Mr. International.  Even if I’m being apprehensive about loving him, there is just too much potential here.

Every time he expresses his love to my dogs, I know full well that it is truly him expressing his love for me indirectly.  I’m sure that when he says, “I know we’ve only known each other for over a month, but I really think I’m falling for you” to my dog, that maybe part of that message is meant for me.  I love that he loves my dogs, and that he’s smart and actually that our lives click together quite well.

Trying Not to Look Desperate

So I’m playing it cool the whole time with the Rock Climber.  I did not text him, he initiated rock climbing with me.  So he texts me today to see if I want to go grab a drink before the rock climbing and I say that I’ve never done that before.  He texts back to say that he’s going out with his managers anyway.  So I text him to say that I’ll be there for 7:30pm as we had agreed and he said he would be there closer to 8pm.

Luckily I found his other friends and we were getting along well and climbing together.  They were a lot better than me.  When it came to the top roping bit (when we have to belay each other – in other words, hold on to the rope for each other), I figured we’d be partners because we had always been partners, and the other girls were friends.  I can tell that he is over compensating by creating distance between us and asked the other girl to go have a beer with him in his car.

Afterwards, the other two girls decide to call it a night.  He asked if I am heading out too and said that he would continue bouldering.  I was tired, and I didn’t climb very well.  The reason why I came out with him to begin is because he provides good tips and he didn’t give me any tips this time.  I said I think I’m going to head out, and he said, “Later”.

I think about it and I didn’t want to leave the rock climbing gym.  I asked myself, “What is it that you want?”.  And I knew it.  I wanted him to take me out for drinks again and go for another crazy night where we end up hooking up together again.  I wasn’t even horny, I just wanted it.  Isn’t that sick, I’m just addicted to his approval of me, and I just wanted him to want me, but he didn’t.

I regretfully stuck around and went back to the bouldering area to see what he was climbing.  He asked if I wanted to pepper with the volleyball, and maybe that was his in with me, but I kind of gave him a hard time and said he was just trying to test my skills.  I said I’m going to do some of the auto-climbing walls first.  I do that for a bit, got tired, texted Mr. International because I felt shitty and wanted to look like I’m making other plans (I wasn’t).

He came back around as I was packing my stuff up to leave.  I’m now at this gym at 11pm, and looking at my phone pretending to be making plans.  I got dressed and said, “Later” to him.  He didn’t hear me?  I said it again and he awkwardly said it back and I went to my car and drove home feeling like utter shit.  In my head, I realize that me sticking around for no reason probably made me look so desperate.  I was also really disappointed in my climbing abilities.  I’m clearly not in the same league as him and his friends.  I felt so shitty about everything.  I don’t even want him, I’m literally seeing Mr. International and we seem already quite steady.

I get home, and Mr. International video calls me, but turns out it was by accident.  I tell him how shitty I felt, told him I was disappointed at myself because I climbed poorly today.  He was so nice and got on the phone with me to talk about nothing at all for an hour.  He’s the sweetest.