Creating Space for a Significant Other

I read in some relationship advice book that in order to find someone, one must first create space in one’s life for this person.  I really took this advice to heart and started donating my clothes and trying to declutter as much as possible.  Surprisingly, I found a lot of joy in the act of decluttering and just throwing things out.  Taking this advice, I’ve most recently made the decision to ask my cousin who has been staying on my couch for over a year to leave.

She was working a low paying job near my place and asked to stay over.  At the time I was single and was living alone so I extended the offer to have her stay any time and she ended up staying with me during the workweek.  I learned a lot from living with her, and I even introduced her to her current boyfriend.  We always got along, but the longer she stayed, the more I felt her presence in my small one bedroom apartment.

I was in denial about her being there negatively impacting my life, because she was always there for me through the ups and downs in my life.  Though it became more and more apparent when I found myself complaining about it to everyone.  I was annoyed that every time I came home from work, I would see her and her boyfriend watching TV on my couch.  I would be confined to my bedroom and my small den space.  I couldn’t have anyone over during the weekdays and when I did, it was awkward.

So now she’s moved out and I am now just realizing that was probably exactly what I needed to continue growing my relationship with mystery man and be comfortable.  I needed this space to grow myself personally and make room for my budding relationship.  Previously one of the concerns that I had with the relationship was that it felt like he was just my weekend fling.  He would stay over at my place between going out with our common friends and then during the week we would just exchange a few messages.  It didn’t feel real and it made me really insecure.  The relationship didn’t feel comfortable either.

Now that the cousin is out, I think mystery man feels a lot more comfortable and now he would sometimes come by during the week to see me.  At times, he would also invite me to his place on the weekdays, but this is rare since his place is even smaller than mine.  He had a few suggestions on how I could redecorate and there’s no longer this question of what he can touch or use since almost everything belongs to me.  We can now hang out on the couch and even sleep on it if we felt like it.

It’s starting to feel like our lives are coming together, and not just because we have mutual friends.  He comes up with excuses to come see me downtown.  Most recently we’ve been watching the NBA playoffs together, and with many games occurring during the week, this is not something that we could have done had my cousin still been hanging around.  I have to say that this is the closest I’ve been with anyone and I’ve spend more on-going time with mystery man than I have with anyone else.  There is no question of too much time or whether we would get along or not.

As for my cousin, we still get along although I do feel like there is a bit of a barrier now since she felt like she overstayed her welcome.  I initially asked her to stay with my parents, but she insisted that she would quit her job to pursue more school and part-time work.  What irks me about her is that I felt that she lacks drive in life and it made me feel resentful when I would work long hours and come home to her lounging around, hanging out with her boyfriend.  I felt like she wasn’t making something of herself, but sometimes I forget that my drive for these things are high.  I was hard on her, because I held her to similar expectations that I have for myself.  Though I feel some guilt, in retrospect I know it was the right decision for the both of us.  I need my space and she needs to figure out what she wants in life and not continue to be a couch surfer.

Mystery man still has his doubts about the relationship, but a friend has advised me that doubt is good.  It means that he is thinking things through to make sure that he isn’t diving head first into something that he isn’t sure about.  He is logical about it.  Thinking about it more, my relationship with mystery man is slowly becoming the most mature and adult relationship that I’ve ever had with any man.

Weakening Network of Friends

My relationship with mystery man is shifting, as is our network of friends.  Minion guy, who generally leads all of these social activities and spearheads the group is redirecting his efforts elsewhere.   What this means is that the group is just not getting together as often.  I’ve known for some time that this group of friends is kind of superficial for me.  I like them and I get along with them, but it really is more of a good passing of time.  I think that this group of friends means more to mystery man.  Aside from the one girl that I think he has a crush on, he really doesn’t have a close connection with many of these people, but I think he does like the group mentality.  He enjoys just getting together and doing something fun, getting out and trying new things.

I can tell that he is trying to keep the group together.  He is organizing events, which he never did before.  He talks about turning the group around and not getting stuck in a rut and doing the same thing such as just getting wasted every weekend.  I am very much supportive of this, and he has good ideas too.

On the other hand, the group falling apart is I think one reason why mystery man and I are getting closer together.  There are a few reasons why this is.  Firstly, the minion guy who originally had a crush on me had this passive aggressive attitude towards mystery man and I being together.  With the minion guy out of the picture, mystery man is a lot more open about our relationship.  Most recently he openly accepts my affection in front of others, and he openly stayed back at my place after everyone left.  He’s open about us coming and going to social events now too.  I’ve always hated the charades of pretending that we aren’t together, and it was mainly for the sake of minion guy.  I also felt uneasy and insecure about mystery man using my downtown place just to get to social events with the group, but now I feel more at ease realizing that he does come down to see me.

Secondly, I think there is more distance between mystery man and the other girl in the group whom I think he has a crush on.  I’ve always felt uneasy about mystery man’s crush on this other girl.  This other girl is in a relationship with someone else in the group though I find that mystery man and her flirt a lot, which bothered me.  So Minion guy and this other girl are quite close too, and he has recruited her to be part of his new social group.

Finally, I think mystery man is coming to realize that he and I share something deeper than this group of friends, and that our relationship is beyond this social group.  There are friends that come and go, but we have a lot in common and we want to do a lot of similar things.  I’m becoming a bigger part of his social life and he is realizing that he enjoys being with me more than not being with me.  We make our lives easier and more enjoyable.

That said, I want to keep this group alive because it is important to mystery man.  It is a huge part of his social network and his life.  He needs something to keep him busy, and his entire social circle can’t just be revolving around me, not to say that it is.  I don’t see that he has many close friend.  And I enjoy having fun with this group at times too.

Aside from mystery man being closer to me due to the distancing of this group, it also means something else to me.  In a way it makes me feel free.  When mystery man and I split up, I felt obliged to continue coming out to social events with this group because I like them and I didn’t want to lose that even though it was hard for me to face mystery man.  If we split now, it would be different because I just wouldn’t see him.  It would make it easier for me to split from mystery man, and that’s a good feeling because at times I felt stuck having to see him even though things weren’t working out between us.  Now it feel like when we see each other, it is by choice.  We see each other because we choose to spend time with each other, not because we are part of the same group of friends.

Kicking Out a Couch Crasher

It’s been a year since my cousin has been crashing on my couch and I am reaching my breaking point with this living arrangement.  She’s a great person, and she’s taught me a lot.  I never thought I would have a roommate but I guess she’s the closest thing to that.  I just need my own space, but it’s rather difficult because she can’t afford to live anywhere other than her parent’s place.  It’s also a rather difficult situation because she is family.

I just can’t have her on my couch in the middle of my living room and I’m getting annoyed when I come home to see her and her boyfriend (which I introduced her to) watching TV on my couch.  I can’t even feel free at my own place.  This arrangement has on more than one occasion impacted my dating life too.  Arranging a time and place to have casual sex with the Greek guy when we had a fling was difficult.  Even though mystery man and I aren’t exactly serious, her being on my couch means that we have to plan around this.  He only comes over on weekends, when she’s not around and sometimes I have to ask her to stay at her boyfriend’s place if we’re having a special night out.

So, I’ve given this some thought.  What I really want is to move in with mystery man.  This is my plan A.  I’m just going to admit that.  I can see myself living with him as we’ve spent a lot of time together and it already feels like we’re living together on weekends.  If my significant other moves in with me it would be understandable that my cousin would have to move out.  This would be my perfect situation.  However… he’s not quite there yet and logistically it’s actually better for him to be uptown and for me to be downtown.

A compromise to plan A is that I tell my cousin that mystery man will be moving in with me, even though he isn’t really fully moving in.  This is plan B.  This makes me a bad person because I’m kind of lying to my cousin because he wouldn’t fully be moving in, but it would probably be more of an extension of our current weekend living situation.  He would still keep his own place, but that’s a minor detail, right?  Maybe he’ll reconsider renewing when his lease is up.

See, plan B isn’t too bad if eventually mystery man and I do move in together, but I don’t have that much faith in our relationship.  I’ve known mystery man for about 9 months now, and we’ve been dating on and off.  Him not being at the same place mentally as I am is another thing that has been on my mind.  I’m not sure if things will work out.  If I had to place a bet on whether our relationship would work, I would put my money on it not working.  Even though things are progressing, and everyday I get a sense that he is growing closer to me, it seems like we are still at different places in the relationship.  I can see that he is trying and he is putting more effort into spending time with me, getting to know me and asking those types of questions, being a little more open about our relationship in front of our friends and his own family, prioritizing me.  On the other hand, I am trying to give him his space to choose to spend time with me, not incessantly message him all day and being understanding and realistic about how much time he can spend with me.  Part of me wants to just ask him whether he is serious about me and where he sees this going, but the other part of me already knows the answer.  He still isn’t sure whether this is right for him, but he is trying to meet me in the middle.  That’s fair if we’re both trying to make it work, right?  Finding a balance of how much time we spend together is a challenge for many couples I’m sure.

I’ve been living in my condo for 5 years now and that is a long time for someone in their 20s.  Plan C is to rent out my comfortable condo and accept a change in scenery.  If I move to another place, especially one that is slightly smaller, it would be understandable that my cousin would not be moving with me.  I like this plan because as I think more about it, I get excited about the change.  This would be an opportunity to decorate the place how I want, get rid of a lot of junk that I don’t need at my current place, and really clear the mind.

My current place reminds me a lot of my many relationships that did not work out.  I split with my long-term ex-boyfriend when I first moved in and actually one of our major disagreements was the purchase of my condo.  Then came a string of guys one after the other that just didn’t work out.  What disappoints me is that I can’t say that I’ve had a boyfriend since I broke up with this ex-boyfriend.  None of my relationships have gone that far yet for some reason or another.  Even now, mystery man and I aren’t official and it makes me disappointed.  If I move out, it would be a new start for me.  Sometimes I think that I just need a new start.  I think about breaking it off with mystery man because it’s just not what I want.  I want more for myself, and maybe a fresh start could also mean meeting new people and re-entering the dating scene.

So plan D is kind of the obvious answer that some friends have advised me on, which is just to ask my cousin to move out.  It’s not that easy because we’re family, and she really has nowhere to go except back to her parents.  Yeah, I feel like she’s mooching off me and is becoming complacent about it but that’s not for me to say.  Although I’ve hinted at the fact that she cannot continue doing what she is doing, I already know that her exit plan is to wait for her mother to buy her her own place.  I can’t really respect that given that I work hard for the money that I earn and for my independence and it just annoys me even more.  I can’t wait for her exit plan to pan out, and so I’ve told her that I plan to move out so that she can prepare to stop living with me in the near future.

 

 

 

I Think My Vagina Smells

So, I’ve been dating mystery man on and off for some time now and he rarely ever goes down on me.  I’m thinking he has probably gone down on me less than five times while I’ve given him oral countless times.  Oral sex on him is just part of our normal sex routine, and if I’m not feeling like it, I’ll just give him a blowjob.  I’m starting to think that he is put off by my vagina.

I’m starting to think that maybe my vagina smells bad to him.  I do notice that there is a smell to my vagina, but I always figured it was normal.  I only started becoming more conscious of it a bit recently when I think the scented soap from the hotel I was staying at has been irritating me.  I thought I was just ovulating, but I think the extra discharge was my body trying to clean itself.  The extra discharge and fluids made sex really wet, and you’d think that was good, but if it’s too slippery there is no friction and then it’s not good for either partners.    It was also a little itchy down there.  I’ve since purchased a pH balancing soap for my lady parts and have started taking a probiotics to help with the balance.

I never really thought about the lack of oral sex before.  I figure it was just not something that he liked to do or that he was just kind of selfish and lazy in that regard.  But the recent events have made me feel really self-conscious.  Is my vagina not balanced (i.e. the good bacteria and yeast is not in good balance) and that is causing a strange smell, or is my natural vagina smell just off-putting?

I guess the smell of my own vagina has never been something that I thought smelled good, but I figured that was normal.  I didn’t think it was horrendous.  I bathe and shower every day and am overall hygienic.  I go for annual check-ups and test for STDs and I’ve always been STD-free.  None of the doctors have mentioned any issues with my vagina before, but I think now I’m curious enough that next time I get a pap I would ask them whether my vagina smelled like it was out-of-balance.

Well, one good thing about having had multiple sexual partners before is that I can compare sexual experiences.  Aside from a few very short-term partners who were more reluctant to deliver oral sex, probably because they were selfish or felt it was dirty on someone they didn’t know very well, I’ve not had longer-term partners been reluctant to go down on me.  They were all very willing, and I never orgasmed from oral sex before but it was a good way to get me going, especially if I wasn’t in the mood.  Come to think of it, mystery man also doesn’t suck on my nipples very much so I feel like there could be a correlation there.  Maybe he doesn’t think these foreplay things are are necessary or are important and he’s going straight to the stuff that delivers the most pleasure?  Who knows.

While I am vocal about what I like in bed, I find it difficult to ask him to go down on me, because I feel like he doesn’t enjoy it.  I feel like it is one of those things that would be better appreciated if a request did not have to be made.  I’ve also thought about asking him whether he enjoys it, but of course I feel like that would be too awkward.  Do I really want to know it if he doesn’t enjoy it?  It’s a rather difficult thing to discuss.  I’d be mortified actually if he told me he didn’t like the way I smell.  It wouldn’t matter if it was on me not taking care of that area or on him for not liking my natural smell; it would be too much of a hit to my ego.

When it comes down to it, not receiving oral sex is not a huge deal in terms of sexual experience, because I can’t get off just receiving oral and there are other things that I like much more.  What is at the core of this issue is that I don’t feel like I am appreciated when I don’t receive oral sex and it makes me lose confidence in bed.  Huh, that’s really what I should say to him isn’t it?

 

Second Time Around

This time around with mystery man seems a little bit different.  We are not officially together, and I am more aware of that fact now.  As I am starting to feel like I’m falling for him all over again, I am a little bit more grounded this time.  I’m more reserved about getting carried away about where this can go.  I am more apprehensive and feel like I should be hedging my bets.  Mentally, I acknowledge that I am still single and that I should continue meeting people at the very least even if I am not dating them.

Although I am not seeing baseball guy or dating anyone else at the moment, I keep myself occupied and continue to have an active social life outside of mystery man and our mutual group of friends.  Our mutual friends are fun, but I do acknowledge that I sometimes just go out to see him, and that isn’t genuine at all.  These events shouldn’t be about us, it should be about just coming out and having a good time with our friends.

I also don’t like his behaviour around our mutual friends because at this point I feel like we are trying too hard to cover the fact that we are together.  That feels fake to me too.  Because we are trying so hard to cover up that we are together, we end up rarely talking to each other when hanging out with mutual friends and it seems rather unnatural.  I also see that he tries to talk to other girls at these events, maybe as a way to cover things up, but this also makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes unnecessarily jealous.

Do I want to come out and just say that we are together with our mutual friends?  Well, I know that they all believe that we are together, but it’s just not something that is openly acknowledged.  Confirming it would hurt the ego of somebody in the group who had a crush on me.  For him, it would be openly admitting that he is serious with somebody to someone that he likely has some kind of feelings for even though she is in a relationship.  These are social complexities that I myself would rather not deal with right at this moment when we aren’t even sure if he wants to see where this could go.

I just want to be able to enjoy the moments that we have together and not have to worry about external drama, because I believe that is what matters most.  If we can both agree that we want to see where things can go, then I would like to be open about our relationship.

The difference now is that I no longer feel obliged to go to these social events just to see him.  Actually, in order for me to feel content in this relationship, I need to feel that we are both actively making time to see each other because we want to see each other.  I don’t want to feel like we are just conveniently being together because we see each other in passing so often.  I need to feel more confident that he is choosing me.  I feel so strongly about this now and I think it would give me a clearer perspective on where we are.

Back with Mystery Man

So… I’m back on with mystery man.

I was shifting between mystery man and baseball guy for quite some time now and was starting to decide that I couldn’t date either of them.  I was set on letting baseball guy go first, because he was getting way too into me and I didn’t want to lead him on.  I told him more than one time that we cannot continue, but he continued to insist that we should just take things slower.  While he talks about taking things slower, he continued to impose himself on my life, asking me to make time for him and trying to self-invite himself to my social events.  It started to get a little scary, his persistence and manipulative behaviour.  The final straw was when we went to a party at a coworker’s place, he tried to have me stay by hiding my shoes (one out in the hallway, and one in my coworker’s guest bathroom shower stall).  That was it.  I was freaked out and just stopped talking to him, although I knew that we had to talk things out eventually since he is my coworker.  After some long-winded conversations over the phone and in-person, he has finally accepted that we are in different places and that it would be best for us to remain friends and maintain our professional relationship.  I’m really relieved that he was able to be mature about it, although I also know that he still has a glimmer of hope that we could still be together.

It feels right to let baseball guy go, especially because I was starting to sleep with mystery man again.  It felt confusing, because I didn’t know how I got into the situation.  One minute we decided that we would be friends, and then I’m trying to respect that boundary but he shows that he misses me.  He wants to hang out as friends, and it’s clear that we both enjoy hanging out with each other and so I found myself in a situation where we started sleeping with each other again.  Emotionally, I tried to keep a distance, which was why I was glad to have baseball guy in the picture initially.  I was even glad when baseball guy suggested that we keep trying because I really did not want to be hurt by mystery man again.

I questioned whether mystery man and I were now friends with benefits, and I tried to accept that for awhile.  I kept an emotional distance, but there’s something that pulls mystery man and I together that is beyond just sex.  We would gladly hang out with each other without having sex, and we’ve done that many times.  I asked him whether we were just friends with benefits now, and he initially ignored my question.  I continued to keep as emotionally distant as I could and decided to give this undefined relationship a time limit.

Just as I began to do that, it seems like something started to change with mystery man.  I asked him if we could kiss more outside of bed, and he was silent.  He responded and said that he is thinking about how he could tell our friends that we are together.  That was a bit unexpected I thought.  He says that he is worried about the challenges of being in a relationship (as he has mentioned before) and not being able to overcome them.  The challenges mainly being whether he might have to move to a different city and having to work long hours.  He said that he is worried that if he doesn’t spend enough time with me that I may stop liking him.  I asked him what he really wanted, and that I felt that challenges like these can be overcome if he wanted it enough.  He said he isn’t sure, but he thinks that we should continue spending time together to get to know each other more.  He acknowledge that he doesn’t want to waste my time too as he realizes that I may want to settle down in the near future.  I said I just want to enjoy him and that I don’t need to announce it to the world but that I don’t want to be with anyone that doesn’t want me.  There was a small shift from our previous conversations where he felt that he wasn’t yet ready for a relationship.  This was good, but again, I continued to keep my distance as he is still unsure.

After that conversation, I felt that he really is putting in a conscious effort into dating me and getting to know me.  He makes an effort to spend weekends with me, go to brunch with me and take me on walks.  He makes an effort to kiss me more often because I mentioned that I would like that and he has decided to pay for every meal.  We talk a lot more about our work and our families and I think he realizes that we have a lot in common in that respect.  I told him that I got a bonus at work and he asked me to take him out.  So, I plan a fancy date with him, and last minute he cancels due to work!  I was a little devastated because there was some excitement build-up to that night, but I was okay because I felt like I still have a barrier up with him.  I questioned whether he wanted to do this with me or whether I was pushing it on him.  He was okay to re-schedule it the following week.  So, we finally go and it was such a sweet and romantic time.  It was at a really upscale restaurant and the bill came out to an exorbitant amount, which I was fine with but to my surprise, he paid for the bill!  I was baffled and taken back by this unseen generosity from him!  This was supposed to be to celebrate my bonus.  This really took me off-guard because I think it shows that he is really trying to make things work with me and taking it upon himself to be a good man.

Sex with mystery man has been better than ever recently.  The fancy dinner was followed by some sexy lingerie sex.  We spent so much time together this past weekend and it was just so good.  Valentine’s day was yesterday and he spent the whole night with me.  He’s not a chocolates and flower kind of guy, but we cooked lobster together and he asked me to wear my sexy stockings again for some sexy time.  How could I still keep my emotional guard down after all of this?  It feels like our relationship is better than it ever was and that he is actually trying to see where this can go as opposed to being apprehensive about leading me on.  I see the way he looks at me and he doesn’t have to say anything but he seems smitten.  In the morning, I packed him some lunch and I can tell that he feels like he is the luckiest guy in the world with that grin on his face.  He kissed me like a hundred times before he left.

I think I learned a lot from baseball guy and I am thankful to him for reminding me how not to act while in love.  Coming off as a crazy person is not ideal under any circumstances, and especially when the other person is a bit apprehensive about where the relationship could go.  I learned to just live my life and if we can find those moments where we can spend time together then just to cherish those moments.  Saying no to things is okay, and sometimes preferred.  The other person can tell when you’ve conformed your entire life to be with them and that is a huge turn-off.  So now I am keeping busier with reviving my foodie meetup group, having a side business project, my hectic career which involves a lot of travelling and hanging out with my coworkers and school friends.  I don’t have to go out with our mutual friends just to see mystery man, and actually I prefer not to sometimes.  I don’t like seeing him flirt with the other girl sometimes, and this way he needs to make a bit more of an effort to see me.

I do realize that I have a trust issue with mystery man, but his recent actions have left me feeling reassured.  He makes me feel more comfortable in his actions and it’s clear that he comes home to me, and he spends Valentine’s day evening with me.  Isn’t that enough reassurance?  I don’t need to know who he hangs out with the rest of the time and I won’t pry and ask as I’ve learned from baseball guy that that is extremely annoying.

I see that baseball guy’s approach to thinking with his heart portrays him as a crazy, self-imposing, selfish and manipulative person.  I don’t want to fall into the same trap.  I must think with my head, show confidence while at the same time allow mystery man to also feel comfortable with opening up to me.  He need to feel that I don’t need him, and that I don’t need him to be happy but that he does make me feel happy and vice versa.

So there you go… I’m right back into this relationship with mystery man and I am okay with it.

Lessons Learned in Dating

So if both mystery man and baseball guy are not what I am looking for, then what is it that I am actually looking for?  Being so exposed to all of the things that I don’t want, I must have learned something about what I do want.

Here’s a list of what I found to be more important to me:

• Someone who is genuinely a nice person, even when they are in a unideal situation.  They are not vindictive or manipulative.  A person that I can connect to on a down-to-earth kind of way, someone that is real and can speak their mind, isn’t reserved, but knows when to hold their tongue when the situation calls for it.
• Willing to do things with me like go to shows, on vacation with me, and just try new things with me that may be outside of their comfort zone
• Someone who doesn’t make me feel insecure about who I am to them, and takes it upon themselves to reassure me that I am special to them
• Always bettering themselves whether it is learning a new language, challenging themselves at the gym, has a hobby and just generally striving for more in life and is ambitious
• A good listener and remembers things – not only towards me, but to others.  Genuinely likes to get to know others for non-selfish reasons
• Someone that doesn’t impose themselves on my life and expects me to share everything in my life with them immediately
• Someone that phones me, and puts in an effort to connect even when they are busy and doesn’t ignore me.
• A giving person, one that isn’t selfish and is looking for some kind of reciprocation.  Someone that doesn’t allow the relationship to get out of balance in terms of giving and receiving.

 

 

A Shameful Balance

I continue to juggle mystery man and baseball guy in my life to the point where I feel like it’s shameful.  Although I’m not committed to either one of them, I don’t think they know the extent to which I am involved with the other.  Mystery man knows that there is someone else that is madly in love with me, and whom I spend time with although based on the way I’ve communicated it and just by knowing me he’s concluded that I’m just leading on this other guy.  Baseball guy knows that I was dating mystery man who is in my close group of friends, and I continue to spend time with this group of friends whom I’ve decided not to share with him.

So, where exactly am I with these men?  I really like mystery man and somehow he’s sneaked his way back into my life and we continue to be undefined.  As much as I hate to admit it, we are friends with benefits and the sexual part of our relationship has been better than ever.  I feel shameful about it.  I don’t like baseball guy in this way and for quite some time now, I’ve been trying to like him in this way.  He’s everything that I could ever ask for, kind, romantic, intelligent yet I just can’t love his quirkiness.  We don’t connect on the same level, but I continue to enjoy spending time with him.  Although baseball guy and I kiss, I can’t get myself to sleep with him, because I’m just not there with him and I am sexually active with mystery man.

In summary, there’s one guy that I like but he continues to disappoint me, and there’s the other guy who is in love with me but I just don’t love him back.  It’s kind of a good balance in a sense as I get love from one guy and feel fulfilled in that way and then I enjoy a strong sexual passion with the other guy.  It’s a shameful good balance.

I can’t keep going like this though.  In speaking to my close friends and family, they all think that neither guy are right for me.  It’s true.  Of course mystery man is not right for me for the many reasons that I’ve mulled through in my previous posts, but essentially he is not interested and likely seeing other women.  Baseball guy is also not right for me because we are just not compatible.  I try really hard to like him but I just don’t feel like he is genuine when he is around me, he often imposes himself onto my life, and I just don’t get his quirkiness.  There are other things about his lifestyle that just doesn’t fit well with mine too.  He is very religious and has a strong root in his church while I’m not religious at all.  He isn’t genuine and I’ve seen him be vindictive towards others.  He doesn’t have eating habits that I can live with.  He eats really little and he doesn’t really understand the basics of nutrition or trying to eat healthy.  So this isn’t specific to eating healthy, it’s that he lacks some common sense and I just can’t pin point it.  I cannot be with him because I cannot seem to oversee his flaws.

Neither of these men are right for me, yet I’ve been going back and forth between the both of them trying to find the better fit.  It’s like trying to fit two keys that are not the right fit to a lock.  I keep alternating to see which key fits better, but really, neither one of them fit.  I need to open my eyes and look elsewhere, but before I do that, I need to somehow just stop it with these two guys.  I just need to stop it.

I’m not really emotionally attached to these guys and can do without them.  Although I like mystery man, I know that I don’t need him.  I’ve already gone through too much heartbreak because of him.  I would be hurt to discover that he liked someone else, but I know that he isn’t into me.  I just would like to think that he isn’t into anyone.  I work with baseball guy, so I hope that he would understand and just accept that things didn’t work out.  Somehow I don’t expect that to be the case given his vindictive nature.  It would be difficult to end it with both of them, for different reasons.  It doesn’t help that the both of them are so integrated in my life, through work and through my close friends.

It’s difficult to get away from it all, which is why I enjoy my business travels so much.  For a moment in time, I am literally away from my life.  But I slowly need to find other things to distract myself.  The fact that I have enough time to juggle two men in my life means that I can redirect that energy elsewhere.

Can’t Trust Mystery Man

I had a dream that I was with mystery man in a car, but there was another girl that joined and she got into the car and took up two seats so I had to exit the car and try to go around to fit in the seat behind the driver.  As I got out of the car to move around to the other seat, mystery man starts to drive off, as a joke but as he sped up a police officer pulls him over.  I was pissed that he would pretend to drive off, and I’m also pissed that this other girl in the car has taken over two seats and I’m jealous because that makes her the main girl.  Even still, I go talk to the police officer and I try to convince him that it wasn’t mystery man’s fault that he sped up.  I made up some lie about how there was something stuck underneath his gas pedal and that it was released, which resulted in the sudden acceleration.

It was just a dream, but it was significant.  I think how you feel in dreams is usually more important than what is happening.  I felt threatened and jealous by this other girl, and I felt that he valued her more than he did me.  I’m angry at the situation, but yet I still defend him when he needs me.

I’ve never been a jealous or insecure person, but mystery man just brings that out in me.  I noticed that he hasn’t flirted with other girls in front of me recently, and I’m not sure whether that is a conscious decision or not, but I still cannot stop speculating shit.  I notice stuff like when he has an opened bottle of wine at his place, when he has an odd number of condoms, when he goes through a new pack of condoms too quickly.  I also freaked out when he said that he was going to bring a female friend whom I don’t know to dinner with the mutual friends because I begin to think whether they are dating.  If he’s going out on a weeknight and I don’t know who he is with, or I think he is with a female friend, I start to speculate too.  The reason is because I’ve stereotyped him to be a man-whore.  I don’t think he has any self-control and if they are attractive and are willing, I think he’d go for it.

We’re not together, and according to him, we aren’t even dating really, so really it’s none of my business.  It isn’t my business, but I have feelings for him clearly, so it makes me feel bad anyway.  I would be surprised if during the duration of us being together that he has been completely loyal and monogamous with me.

I talked about keeping the balance in my previous posts, and I am actually so relieved that baseball guy is still in my life, despite me trying to cut him out.  I don’t see mystery man changing his mind and wanting to be with me in a serious way.  I really wish that I could like baseball guy.  I trust baseball guy, unlike mystery man.  Even if mystery man decides that he wants to be with me seriously, I just don’t know if I could trust him.

I think that if he could, he would be juggling multiple different girls.  And even if that’s not the case, that’s kind of how I see him at the moment and it would be difficult for me to change that.  This reason alone should be good enough for me to decide that I should not be with mystery man.

 

The Comfort of Mystery Man vs. Baseball Guy

I’ve been travelling a lot for work and I find that it keeps me feeling centred, because I’m away from my life and I have more time to spend on my own and more time to really evaluate what I want.  Travelling can be lonely sometimes, but it helps that the men in my life recently have been good at checking in with me.  The baseball guy is especially good with his scheduled phone calls with me, and now mystery man also checks in on me via messaging and when prompted he would video call me.  I struggle to understand the dynamic with both of these men in different ways.  With baseball guy, I sometimes feel that he is coming on too strong and it doesn’t leave room for me to miss him or develop feelings for him.  At times, I feel like he’s a bit intrusive.  With mystery man, well, I’m still struggling to understand our dynamic, though he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like me enough to have a relationship with me it’s very confusing as he continues to lead me on.

Mystery man confuses the hell out of me.  We’ve had two separate conversations now about how he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, and I’ve tried to keep my distance from him by not inviting him over and not initiating sex, going home from his place and not staying over – except this doesn’t seem to be working the way that I hoped.  I do find that mystery man continues to initiate with me.  He checks in on me while I’m away and now when I ask him to do things with me, he is way more willing to do these things with me – something that I had a huge issue with before.  He now video calls with me, works out with me, cooks with me, goes shopping with me, takes me out for food and offers to pay, pays for things for me when we do group activities.  He was even okay with me meeting his mom the other day, but maybe that was just logistical reasons as he had to drop her off at the station… though he messaged me the next day just to tell me that his mom really likes me and thinks that I’m pretty.

I think there are a few factors in his change in behaviour.  Firstly, his workload has eased off a bit and that was a huge looming factor in why he was so distracted.  Secondly, I think whatever lady friend of his that may have temporarily been in the picture, is no longer in the picture.  He too is lonely and I get that sense when we video call and hang out, he just wants companionship.

As baseball guy was a little out of the picture because he was also travelling for work in Europe, mystery man and I have been rekindling what we once had.  Our video calling and messaging cumulated in spending the entire weekend together.  He came over on Friday night and we cooked together, watch Netflix and just slept.  The next day we went for coffee, a walk, then worked out together.  He felt sick after working out so I played nurse and he even almost missed part of the birthday party of the other girl in the group that he seems to have a huge crush on.  It was like we were back together again… but even better.  He’s more relaxed than usual, and he seems to be more appreciative of my nurturing ways.  He hasn’t flirted with other girls in front of me after we had a conversation about that, and we left the birthday party together and he stayed over yet again.  He initiated some sexual play the next morning, which we couldn’t finish because he had to go meet his parents.

As he left to go meet his parents, I also left to go to my parent’s place.  I called the baseball guy because we were supposed to meet this weekend too.  He had other plans, so I was kind of relieved.  I was too deep into mystery man, and I started to think about how I needed to cut out baseball guy from my life in that way.

Since baseball guy couldn’t hang out, I went back home and mystery man came back to my place and we continued our sexual activities where we left off.  Sex with mystery man is kind of the same old shit.  It’s good, and he’s good at it, but it lacks exploration and spice.  I’m glad it’s the same old shit though, it’s kind of what I needed.  We then headed to meet up with friends to do a fitness course after dropping his mom off at the train station.  I admit that I felt a very deep connection with mystery man once again, especially after the sexual activities.  The physical component just pulls me towards him and all I want is just to physically be with him.  I hugged him goodbye as he dropped me off.

I went home, got on the phone with the baseball guy and felt kind of guilty for blowing him off.  I didn’t want to drag him into this disastrous mess that I was in.  We made some plans to spend a weekend together skiing, but I just can’t do it.  I’m too emotionally conflicted is what I was thinking.  I also felt that he was coming on too strong, and it scared me.  Even if I wasn’t involved with mystery man, I didn’t want to be smothered.  I told him that at this point in time, I just wanted to be single and hang out with my friends.  He was extremely disappointed, and he actually talked me into agreeing to just be open to where things could go.  He said he’d dial it back and that I can make my own decisions.  I had planned an evening for baseball guy and I, and he agreed to go.  He was still interested and he promised to take things back a bit.  He admitted that he was too much too soon as well.

The weekday comes around and I’ve now fallen sick, probably over exhausting myself with worldly travels and weekend activities with mystery man.  Baseball guy is a sweetheart and he is okay with not hanging out with me.  He takes things slow and asks me to grab coffee with him at work.  He makes me soup because he knows that I’m sick.  He agrees to go grocery shopping with me, even though I became a little engrossed in some drama with the group of friends (friends prying and trying to figure out if I’m still with mystery man).  Baseball guy is taking it easy for once, and I find this to be really attractive.  It also helps that he’s dressed really nicely, and got a haircut!  I’m so glad that I haven’t yet shooed him away for good, and now I’m really looking forward to getting to know him slowly and spending time with him.  I do believe that there is something there, but he needs to allow it to grow and not try to smother it with everything he’s got.

Things are easy with mystery man because we have a history.  It’s easy to get back into the jive of things because we know each other and we know how to enjoy each other’s company.  We have comfort, but it’s not perfect.  With baseball guy, things are new and they are dynamic.  We’re still scoping each other out, and figuring out what we like and what we don’t like.  I don’t know how to like him yet, and I don’t know what he has to offer, or what I have that I could offer him.  It’s much harder because I don’t know if I could love him and I don’t know what might happen if it were that case that I realize that I can’t love him.  It’s scary.  I don’t know what I might feel like if I were in love with him and become attached.  I’m scared to let go of mystery man.