A moment of clarity with The Motivator

Sometimes I really do have a moment of clarity with my situation with The Motivator.  I think he has more recently shown, on multiple occasions that he wants to take a step back.  Specifically, he doesn’t really want to come over as often, and he doesn’t seem to share an interest in having sex with me at this time.  I think the best thing to do is just to respect this and not try to convince him otherwise.  Convincing him otherwise leads only to me feeling shitty because I feel rejected, and I hate the feeling that I forced this man to do stuff with me and it makes me feel unwanted.  On his side, me convincing him to do something he isn’t sure he wants to do isn’t that nice either.  So for now, I’ve decided that I’ll stop proactively inviting him over.  I will focus on our friendship, and our friendship connection.

I think I was a bit obsessed with having sex with him.  He’s great at it, and I just wanted to have sex with him.  Sex makes me feel great, it makes me feel fulfilled and it makes me feel happy.  Just as I was starting to accept having casual sex with him as something that didn’t leave me with pangs of insecurity, he took that away from me.  But it’s okay, I don’t need to have sex with him, plus I don’t want to have sex with him if he doesn’t want that from me, or if it makes him feel guilty.

I think it was difficult for me to feel rejected, and I’m someone that wants to feel wanted.  I like it when someone chases for me, and that drives me.  And now that he isn’t chasing me, it shouldn’t be something that I strive for (to make him chase me).  Especially, because the more I think about his situation and try to make sense of it, the more I realize that it has to do with him.  I have a lot of insecurities thinking that I’m just not enough for him, but I need to stop thinking that because it doesn’t do me any good.

I honestly don’t think I’m too far off with my prediction in why he doesn’t want to proceed.  I think it’s difficult for guys to figure out why they feel a certain way i.e. they don’t feel excitement about proceeding with the relationship but they don’t know why.  My friend asked me if there was a situation that perhaps triggered his actions.  Immediately, I thought about his female best friend’s situation.  He’s hung up over someone else is my honest best guess.  There are a number of reasons that support this idea, and if it’s true that that totally sucks for him.  It sucks that he is hung up over his best friend, who just recently delivered a baby with her current/ex-boyfriend.  It sucks that he wishes that he could live with his best friend, but he can’t.  I can also sense the way he feels when he gets a piece of mail with her name on it.  I guess I can understand, because I’ve felt this way about someone in my life before, Mystery Man.

On the other hand, I also don’t think he realizes what he is forgoing with me by being hung up.  I know that I’m important to him, but I’m just always around.  It’s like I’m available to him, I can be that back-up, I can be the emergency friend/significant other figure in the meantime if he needed it.  For me, that’s not fair.  And if I continue to let him think that I will be there for him, he himself will also not realize what he is forgoing with me also.

On my side, I should just distance myself from this.  Do I really want to see him either pine for this best friend situation of his?  Do I want to see him fool around with others to see if he has more feelings for some other girl who is not me and not his best friend?  Do I want to witness him “find his way”?  No.  This is why I feel extremely uneasy about making common friends with him.  I do not want to invest in this more than I already have.  I don’t want any part of this.

All I want is to continue progressing in my rock climbing game.  I want to get better at it.  I do not necessarily need or want to go take this sport outside, so I don’t need to form into a group to do this.  I like having him as a rock climbing partner and to an extent, a friend to have dinner with and vent some life frustrations with.  That is it.

Last night, I also noted that I no longer feel heartbroken over The Motivator.  At one point, I’d wake up and have that sinking feeling that I usually get when I’m heartbroken and let down about something.  I was really proud of myself for that, and for also noticing that it has been a very long time since I felt this way about him.  I’ve already accepted that we would never be together.  The only other thing I need to do is just to stop being disappointed when I see him and he seemingly continues to drift away.  Let him drift away, but I don’t have to be the one drifting with him.  He lives his own life, he follows his own path, and it has nothing to do with me.  I need not be disappointed in the path that he chooses for himself.  I know that he could have had it all with me.

I guess also important to note that some of this clarity stems from me being on my period, not having a high sex drive really  helps.  I think sometimes I’m blind-sighted by my hormones and during some peak times in my cycle, I feel extremely unjust that nobody is having sex with me.

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