Making a circle of friends with The Motivator is not my prerogative.

I just don’t feel good about the new situation that I am in with The Motivator.  So recently, we made some friends at the climbing gym.  They are a couple who also seem to be interested in us, as either a couple or couple-like friends that they are trying to recruit to come outdoor climbing.  Seems like The Motivator was interested in hanging out with them, in which case I said you know, if we are going to hang out with them, it’s kind of like we’re double dating them.  He didn’t like this idea and immediately backed out.  I knew it was kind of heading in this direction anyway because as we saw them at the gym on Friday, they asked us to go out for dinner and drinks.

So we go out for dinner and drinks, but even before that this couple really started digging in deep about what we are to each other (The Motivator and I) and they quickly uncovered that we’re in a “it’s complicated” situation.  I think they liked that about us…

So we go out for dinner and a lot of drinks, and the drinks just kept coming.  The Motivator said he would drive, and I was not in a state where I could drive.  I know I was secretly pushing the agenda of just staying over at his place, which I’ve never done before.  In the entirety of our relationship, he has only stayed over at my place.  He has never invited me to stay over at his, ever.  At the end of the night, which was around 4am, he very well knowingly offered to drive a bunch of the people in the group to his place with my car.  He asked me if I could drive, I said no, which was an honest answer.  I asked if I could stay over and then go home later.  He said sure.

He parked the car on the road because there were no visitor parking spaces, which means it had to be moved by 8am.  We all go upstairs.  I took my extra shirt and as we got settled into his place, I just assumed these people would just hang for a bit and then leave.  I go and shower.  The Motivator doesn’t even offer me a towel, and yes I’m offended by this because when he’s at my place, I do go out of my way to make him feel comfortable.  Strike one.

Seems like these other party goers who we don’t know so well have decided to get high with The Motivator.  I ask to join, but The Motivator said no and that I needed to be able to drive home… excuse me?  I thought the plan was that I was going to stay over!  I felt like he was trying to get me to sober up and leave asap.  Strike two.

I sit on his lawn chair, which is the only furniture that he has in his living room.  The rest of the crew slowly just start sleeping on the ground.  He eventually calls it a night and he goes into his bedroom.  He doesn’t ask me to join him in his bedroom.  I’m literally sleeping on an uncomfortable lawn chair!  Even in my drunken state, I am pissed off that he wouldn’t even invite me to join him in his bedroom.  I thought by me staying over, that I’d be sleeping in a bed.

I am now extremely uncomfortable trying to sleep on a lawn chair in his living room, and also pretty damn cold.  I thought about going home at this point, but I didn’t know where my car keys were.  I was actually really upset that he left me out there.  The thought that went through my mind was that if I joined him in his bed, that he didn’t actually really want me there.  Doesn’t matter.  I couldn’t sleep on a lawn chair.  I get my ass up, with the blanket and go into his room.  I announce that I’m cold and snuggle up against him and immediately took off my pants.  He seemed aware of who I was and what was happening and he just accepts it.

I snuggled next to him, find it difficult to fall asleep because of my position in bed.  My face was a bit too close to him, blocking my breathing a bit, but I was just lying there thinking that I should appreciate this moment that I get to be in his bed beside him.  I liked the way he smells and the warmth that he gave off because the whole apartment was quite cold.  I assessed the situation in this state of mind.  I’m fully aware that he will never be my boyfriend, that he sees the flaws that I have in myself and is the kind of person that cannot live with them.  I know oh so well that he is able to pinpoint my weaknesses as a person, and that he is even more so critical of myself than I am.  I didn’t mind not being able to fall asleep because, I knew that this was a fleeting moment that I’m having with him.  I think about how it might be better to be awake than to fall asleep where I might snore and disturb his sleep.  I think about whether he enjoyed having me in his arms.

I’m fully in love with The Motivator, illogically so.  I know this.  I know this in my drunken state also.  I also was just starting to see the flaws in him that I myself cannot live with, how he was starting to remind me of The Volleyball Coach, yet when I’m in his arms, this didn’t matter anymore.

I got up once to pee and another time to pee and also turn off the alarm that someone had that was going off constantly.  It didn’t seem like these house crashers were leaving any time soon.  At 8am, The Motivator gets up and he tells me that he will need to move my car.  I was actually concerned about my dogs and I told him that I’ll just get going and that he could just go back to sleep.  He seemed to genuinely care, and got up to see me to the door, even got me a bag to put my dirty clothes.  In the back of my mind, I had hoped to have some morning sex with him, but didn’t seem like that was happening with the other people still crashing on the floor in his living room, the car situation and the dog situation.  I’m glad I made the exit at this time.

I go home to do my thing, and I texted him to see how his morning went and whether the other people had left yet.  He said they all woke up and went to brunch together.  I think part of me felt that he had a bit of a connection to the girl in the group, who was quasi-seeing another guy who also crashed in the living room.  She seemed like a free spirit and I felt a little, just a tad bit jealous of her connection with him.  I think he really liked her for her free will and openness about her beliefs and values.  Maybe that’s what he likes in a girl, someone who has a strong sense of beliefs, values, ethics… very unlike me actually.

The whole night bothered me as I think about it in the aftermath.  I don’t like hanging out with a group of friends with The Motivator when we’re not exactly together.  Aside from climbing and having a meal together, The Motivator has made it really clear that he doesn’t want much else from this relationship with me.  Hanging out with a group of friends with him is an investment in time and investment in relationships that I’m not willing to make if my time with The Motivator or my role in The Motivator’s life is limited.  This is too much for me, and more investment in my time and energy to make connections that I don’t foreseeing going anywhere.

If The Motivator was my boyfriend, or hell, even if I see him as a good friend, I’d be fine with making friends with him.  I don’t actually see him as either.  He is someone new in my life, and me investing my time into people who may not be in my life for too long is something that I just don’t have time for at my age.  This group of friends has also invited us to go to Las Vegas in February next year.  Will I even be on talking terms with The Motivator in February?  Who knows?

I was okay with accepting that we had a friends with benefits relationship, and keeping this to a confined compartmentalized space in my life.  Go rock climbing, go eat, and possibly get high and have sex with The Motivator.  It was a good time, but I’m just not looking for more investment than that if The Motivator isn’t willing to be more commited about our connection.

I went on a date with The Tall Raver.  He finally had some time to squeeze me into his hectic life.  We went to a cafe where had had to work for a bit.  The conversation was good, but I think we’re both on the same page that while we think we are compatible, we’re just not sure where things will go.  For me, I think he’s too full of himself, which is a turn off.  And because of that I lack that feeling of romance with him.  On his side, I can tell he doesn’t know what he wants at this point in time in his life.  Even still, I feel like I need him though, to keep me grounded with what is going on in my life with The Motivator.

I feel really upset about The Motivator rejecting me, and while I was good with the friends with benefits situation as a standalone relationship, I’m just not good with dealing with the dynamics of this outside of these parameters.

In general, I just feel like there’s something wrong with me to make him not want me fully.  I know that’s not the case, but it’s like this tunnel vision that I have.  I go home and I look at my dating apps when I feel like this and see if I can fish for someone else who can give me something more fulfilling, but I realize that’s not the answer either.

I wanted it to be simple.  I wanted our interactions to be limited, and then still give me the confidence and freedom to go elsewhere in my search for a long-term partner… but the more I look at it, the more I realize that something has to change.  Either my entire mindset has to change, where I really have to give less of a fuck about this whole situation, or I need to actually distance myself from him, spend less time with him.

In the meantime, I’m going to avoid this situation again by saying no to hanging out with these couples and people.  I’m hoping that our climbing days just don’t line up, that our schedules don’t line up.

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