Coming ’round full circle again, and pissed at The Motivator

I have a friend that now lives in Asia and comes back every few months to visit.  He asked me to get together sometime this week.  The last time he was back, my life has come full circle.  Funny thing.

The last time he was back, I had just come back from a trip out of town.  I had some idea that The Motivator had a crush on me, but I didn’t think much of it.  I had just enjoyed a whirlwind of activities and new sexual relationships from out of town.  I was away for about two weeks and it was a blast.  I came back with a clean slate and I didn’t know where it was going to take me.  I was lost, of course, and I told him how I was just going to focus on work.  As my friend and I were getting a drink, I received a phone call from a female friend of mine who was in a relationship at that time and turns out, I know who her boyfriend was.

This time my friend’s back, again, I had just come back from a trip out of town.  This trip was a bit shorter, but it was just as action-packed I guess.  I guess this time around, I also have a clean slate, but so much has happened since.  I’m going to be honest and say that The Motivator has truly fucked up my life in the past few months since I saw this friend.  When I say fucked up, I mean equally in a good and bad way.  There was so much good, and then so much bad that came out of what he put me through.  His coming on so strongly, and then almost immediately him backing away, distancing himself more and more.  He’s taught me so much about so many things, but he has also hurt me very deeply.  But here I am, back to square one.

I will tell my friend once again, I am back from a trip out of town to clear my mind, and I am still single having recently gone through a whole roller-coaster of  something that I can’t even call a relationship.

I am angry yet again.  Since it feels like he has taken both the friends and the benefits part out of our relationship.  When shit goes down, I don’t really feel like I can confide in him.  I mean, I tell him stuff about my life when I see him, but I don’t feel like I can turn to him.  Nor, does it feel like he tells me when things happen in his life.  So really, there’s no friendship.  And there’s no benefits, because well, it seems like he has taken that off the table as of late.  Nowadays, talking to him almost feels like I’m talking to a wall.  And when I see him interacting with others, I feel like wow, he’s actually a human being to others.  When it comes to me, it’s reactionary.  If I’m cheerful and talking, he’s a stone.  If I’m upset, he will react to it, but it feels like it’s a reaction.  It’s like he’s on coasting mode with me.

I’ve talk to my therapist about him a number of times.  And, she asks me how I feel when I’m with him.  I say that I feel great, I feel present and I feel happy when I am with him.  Now, I don’t know.  I feel like I think I’m happy because I feel like I’ve conditioned myself to feel happy when I’m with him, but when I think about it, the interaction is incredibly shallow.  Incredibly shallow.  It’s shallow because he’s so caught up in creating this distance between us.

I really don’t care why he is doing this and at this point, I am again questioning whether I want to continue to see him.  If he wasn’t my climbing partner, it would be done.  I’m fine without him, I really am, it just kind of difficult when I see him actually.

Anyway, I have a third date tomorrow with The Tall Raver.  And right now, for some reason I am so horny.  I wish I could just call up someone and just casually fuck them.  Absolutely it has to do with The Motivator.  I’m pissed that I even saved him a spot on my roster, and he’s just not someone I can call up to fulfill that need.  At this point, I don’t even feel like I can ask him to just come chill with me, what kind of fucking friend is that?

I really hope that The Tall Raver is up for some casual sex, while I figure out my situation.  I think I do need someone that can give me that, someone that can be my fuck buddy really, let’s not call it friends with benefits because I don’t even know him.

I’m just pissed.

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