So here is a summary of how my short trip went down. Overall, the trip was so so positive and I am so happy with it. It was exactly the confidence boost that I needed.
The Motivator didn’t want to come over, and so it was a welcomed opportunity to leave the city even earlier than planned. I had so much anxiety about The Motivator not wanting to come over recently that I woke up in the morning and scheduled a call with my therapist. She texted me back and said she could do earlier, which I gladly accepted.
The drive was nice, but my original plan was to jam out to music as I drove. Instead, I was so fixated on The Motivator that I felt that I had to think things through. My girlfriend texted me, so we ended up on a phone call together, which took my mind off of things. I pulled over at a pit stop to talk to my therapist.
I had just sent her a text not more than 5 days ago to tell her thank you and that I felt really content now… how quickly the situation has changed. I did tell her that I’ve been feeling so happy, that I finally accepted that The Motivator was nothing but a friends with benefit in my life, that I started dating someone new to try it out etc. But that The Motivator not wanting to come over any more has really screwed up this balance. I felt rejected, and I didn’t expect it, yet again.
I went around in circles just saying the same things again like how I didn’t expect The Motivator to behave like this and that I thought we had agreed to being friends with benefits and now he’s just rejecting me. She told me that some time away would be good, and to allot some time to sorting through the issue, but not to be fixated on it. She said to think about what makes me happy and to do more of that. She also said to focus on the progress made, and make a list of what makes me happy.
Okay, so fast forward to getting to the destination. I checked-in and immediately seeing the AirBNB that I rented, I felt a bit depressed. The place was smaller than my place and in the back of my head I was thinking damn, I’ve travelled all this way to stay at a place that is so small. Luckily, my friend called me out almost immediately upon arrival, we checked out a really cool tavern that served some tasty food. So this “friend” of mine, is someone that I actually met over Instagram and who I actually have never met in person before. I wondered if we’d have chemistry. He’s a nice guy, but nah, I wasn’t into him. We had another drink at a fancy hotel afterwards and then he came over and got high with me. I was doozing off and so he left.
The next day, we did some rock climbing, went to another amazing restaurant, and then met up with some of his friends to go clubbing. This is where I got totally wasted. I had a lot to drink, we were also high, and we also did molly. It was a fantastic time. There were bits and pieces that I don’t remember, but the dancing was good and it felt like the girls on the dance floor was hitting on me and I felt so flattered. I was big time flirting with one of my friend’s friend. And he was totally into me also.
The night came to an end, but I was still high as a kite. This friend of his was also the guy who supplied the drugs, so let’s call him The Druggie. The Druggie drove the other two guys home, and then drove me home last on purpose. Apparently I invited him up, although I barely remember that. Things obviously got hot and heavy, he took my clothes off, I can’t really remember what happened after that. I honestly could not remember if he went down on me. I do know that we smoked more weed though. He came to kiss me, and I swear in my head all I could see was the face of The Motivator. I knew it wasn’t The Motivator though and I had to shake it off. At one point, I found him having sex with me, and it was intense sex. I was just too high for it, and told him to stop. He did.
I woke up the next morning, entirely naked beside The Druggie, who was also entirely naked. Our clothes were scattered all over the floor of this small AirBNB. We chatted for a bit, before he left. I didn’t cuddle or anything with him. I didn’t feel bad when he left. I was just entirely emotionless about the whole thing. What I did feel was, I felt hot, and I felt wanted and I liked that.
The next day was just a recovery day. We went out yet again, but it wasn’t as crazy as the previous night. We danced the night away. I was high again, but just on weed this time. I was previously quite skeptical about my dancing skills when I went to the festival with The Motivator, but honestly that second night, I felt on fire. Nobody could tell me that I can’t dance. I felt like I was killing it! I was so confident.
Going back to my place, The Druggie drove again and dropped me off last. I did not invite him up this time, and he respected that. He looked tired as hell also. We exchanged contact and texted a bit since I got back. Driving back, I felt so great. I felt that this was the getaway that I absolutely needed. I needed the confidence boost more than anything.
While I did feel emotionally unavailable toward The Druggie, I think it was just because I didn’t like The Druggie all that much. I thought about the other guy that I went on two dates with at home… what did I coin him? Oh yeah, The Tall Raver. I was kind of excited about the prospect of some sexy time with him. I need someone at home is what I thought. Someone that is not The Motivator.
Going home, I was thinking I’d try to get home in time to do our usual Sunday climb with The Motivator. He originally said sure, and then later said that he was going to RSVP to a dinner with friends and asked if we could do Monday since he’s off. Great, more time with The Motivator is what I thought.
Monday rolls around, I figure, I should do some grocery shopping so we can do dinner as per usual. We go climbing and he seems a bit off. I’m off, because I’m coming down with a cold. We end the session early, which was actually nice because I was thinking we could go back to my place, cook, eat, get high, snuggle. That was all I wanted. He said because he has an opening shift the next day that he should go home. Honestly, this has never been an issue before. I get him to piggy back me, which is a signature move of mine if I want to see if a guy likes me – he agreed. Eh, so he still has a crush on me at least. We go get fried chicken, bring it back to his place to eat it. We do the usual bit of show and tell at his place where he shows me a few things he recently purchased, usually fragrances. I talk to him about my latest and greatest business idea.
I’m about to leave, but not before trying out his ab workout gadget. The Motivator goes into a full-on training session with me to show me how to use the gadget, how to properly do crunches, full with side by side physical lesson where he touches me and all. He’s flirting with me, right? Who knows. His roommate comes home while I’m in a compromising position, I laugh and it’s almost as if we were caught in a sexual act. His roommate excuses himself. I hug The Motivator and I want to sit on his lap for a cuddle, but he helps me up. I drive myself home.
The Motivator tells me he’s definitely catching a cold, and so yeah it does make sense that he would want to go home. He had been feeling the onset of a cold for some time now, and even I felt under the weather. I’ll give that to him though. Coming over to my place is rough.
It’s been helpful typing this out. I think with The Motivator, if he felt like he wanted to have sex with me, then he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t come around, then he doesn’t come around. I think that is also the nature of a friends with benefit. And I’m also lucky to have a friends with benefit who cares about me genuinely and cares to listen to what I say and the ideas that I have.
At the same time though, I do have to continue distancing myself from, and being so emotionally dependent on The Motivator. He cares for me, but he is certainly less sure about me and the role that I play in his life.
What I need in my life I realize, is physical touch. I think I’m getting the quality time now with people in my life, but physical touch is difficult to find with someone. And since I’m not getting what I need from The Motivator, it’s time to find it elsewhere. Good thing though, is that I’m feeling as fit as ever because of the climbing! I’ve never felt hotter.