Unrealistic Relationship Expectations

I’m having a moment with volleyball guy where I am having a hard time coping with his personality.  I know we’re very different people, and some things are making me feel unsure and not comfortable.  I still believe that he has the best intentions, but he is really set in some of his bachelor ways and it seems hard for him to maintain a relationship.  It seems hard for him to find time to simply be with me.

We see each other fairly consistently, twice a week.  We usually do dinner and we’ll usually spend one to one and half days during the weekend together.  I guess the amount of time is alright, but I’m just unhappy about the quality of time that we spend together.  Okay, so as I am writing this I realize that I have this complaint about pretty much every single guy that I’ve dated, so maybe it’s just me.  My complaint specifically is that guys are often mentally distracted and not focused when they are with me, and this makes me feel like they aren’t trying.

Today, volleyball coach came over for dinner at my place.  I thoroughly enjoyed cooking this meal for him, and he is grateful but I can clearly see that he is mentally exhausted from work and he had a bad day.  We talk about it a bit, and I allowed him to rant on about it while I listened then I asked if we could take a moment to enjoy the meal and said we can resume in a bit.  We never have plans for these weekday dinners, so we go walk the dog as usual, and then ended up vegetating in front of the television until he went home.  We did talk a bit, but as I talked to him, he didn’t seem so focused.  I wanted him to stay the night, but he decided to go home and I was a little annoyed by that.

I think I expected a relationship to be a companion, and I feel like volleyball coach is just not around enough to be a companion.  He coaches volleyball 2 days a week, and if he doesn’t coach, he is playing volleyball.  He likes his after work routine most weekdays and he always tries to find time once a week to spend with his parents.  Frankly, I think he’s got his life figured out, but to fit a significant other into this picture seems a bit difficult.  I honestly want to come home to somebody, and be comfortable enough to spend long durations of time with them… and this isn’t what this relationship is, at least not at this time.  I do wonder if expecting that so soon in the relationship is unreasonable, after all, we’ve only been together a few months.

I want to do things with my significant other.  I want to do rock climbing, go on adventures, take photographs, make memories together.  I think I just like the idea of going out there and doing things, though sometimes just chilling is fine too, but I find that we do the latter way too often.  I think we have a lot of ideas, we talked about going to wineries, making yogurt, going to food festivals, but when we do hang out we always have no plans or he seems way too exhausted so we just take it easy.  Again, this has been something that has been a recurring problem in my past relationships too.  I think I just want to do things more than other people do.

He does seem willing, don’t get me wrong.  This coming weekend, he’s voluntarily coming to one of my friend’s birthday party even though it’s totally not his kind of thing (it’s a totally over the top planned birthday party with all sorts of over the top, elaborate things).  He willingly goes to my family wedding, and has invited me on a camping trip and is trying to plan a vacation together.  I have no doubt that he wants to be with me, and that he has every intention to do things with me, but I guess I get tired of what I feel is a relationship that feels like it is on autopilot.

But as I think about it, it makes sense.  He is a man of routine.  I keep saying that, but it’s true.  Maybe a relationship on a bit of a routine is not a bad thing if the intention is good.  Maybe it is actually a mature relationship as opposed to two people just wanting to be together to do things together and for the sake of companionship?

Maybe I just need to get my life together.  I felt that I was doing well with having my own things going on.  I mean, starting a business, working a full time contract and taking care of 2 puppies is quite a bit already.  I was even in a weekly volleyball league up until last week.  It’s possible that I feel this way because I’ve been working from home and feeling all cooped up this week.

Maybe I need perspective.  I have someone that really cares about me, wants to be with me.  It’s a new relationship, and he is quite introverted.  We complement each other, and maybe more time to focus on me and my business is something that I should embrace.  It’s certainly not a deal breaker, but it is causing me some frustration.


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