A Whole New Life

The way I act around volleyball coach is starting to feel more natural.  I feel less judgemental than when I first met him, and am finding myself feeling giddy, goofy and happy just being with him.  We see each other about twice a week, and it’s quite consistent.  It feels a bit planned and calculated with him, and he likes to think ahead for these kind of things.  Sometimes I feel like that’s not enough, and it feels like he has to put in quite a bit of effort to orchestrate the whole thing.

I’m more spontaneous and I’m used to being with people who are more spontaneous, so this is new to me.  I know that he coaches volleyball every Friday and Saturday, so it makes it easy for me to make sure that I have something else to do during those days.  I remain connected with my coworkers and foodie friends, and he seems very okay with that despite me having many male friends.

I’ve thought about hanging out with some of my old drinking friends, the ones that mystery man and I shared in common, but I’ve realized that even now that I’m not heartbroken about it anymore, it was still the right decision to let them go.  When I made the decision to not see those people anymore, I figured that it would make me feel less awful about mystery man and I.  But, as I’ve come to realize now, letting them go also allowed me to open my life up to new groups of friends that I would otherwise have no time for.

I used to always tell people that I was too busy, and even joked and said that I’m in a cult.  I was spending a lot of time with people who were at times fun, and had good intentions but did not have a real connection with, or lived a similar lifestyle as I did.  Now, if I saw these people I would be friendly with them, but we just aren’t in the same walk in life and that’s okay.  Is there really a point in maintaining friendships for the sake of maintaining them?  I’ve always felt guilty about this, but I think it should be a conscious decision who you spend time with.

I’m grateful that more people want to spend time with me than I have time for.  When I first became single after mystery man, I felt so lonely.  Keeping myself away from all of our mutual friends made me feel like I had nothing, that I was starting from scratch.  I kicked myself for not keeping in closer touch with my high school girlfriends, but in reality, those friendships also became more distant for other reasons.  Removing those people from my life really created the space that I needed to figure out what I wanted to do with my career, and go out and meet people.

I told myself that I would put myself out there and my intention was to find a partner, but not only have I found my boyfriend, I also found new friends, and reconnected with old friends.  Of course I found many people that I didn’t enjoy the company of, and activities that were not as fun as I thought they would be, but my life feels whole again now.  There is no need to try to keep these superficial ties to people whom I don’t feel a genuine connection with.

I feel like I’ve basically created a whole new life for myself that I’m much happier with.  A new boyfriend, new groups of friends, rekindled old friendships, new career trajectory, new hobbies.  I feel empowered to choose these things for myself now and it wasn’t too difficult because I made the space in my life to bring in these new things.  I feel proud of myself that I did something about it.  I didn’t wait for these things to come to me.  I really did work for it.

Now, when I wake up next to volleyball coach, I still feel like I’m just starting to get used to my new life.  The idea of being with him, and even the idea of being content feels foreign, but I like it more as I become more aquatinted with it.

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