Steadily Moving Forward

As volleyball coach stayed over for maybe the third time ever at my place, I stared at him while he was falling asleep and I was thinking how not too long ago it was mystery man that was in the very spot.  I wasn’t confused.  I was just pondering about how it really doesn’t feel like it was all too long ago that another man was deeply intertwined in my life.  I can’t help but compare volleyball coach to mystery man.  The relationship that I had with these two men couldn’t be more different.  It was such a struggle to be with mystery man, to fight for attention and for what I wanted.  I was internally conflicted every time he disappointed me.  He and I were so similar, which made me think that we had something special.

I guess I’m thinking about the idea of love.  I felt that I loved mystery man, but that now I’m falling in love with volleyball coach though it feels so different.  I feel that I can move on with volleyball coach and live a full life, but I also don’t want to forget what I had with mystery man because I think it actually helps me appreciate what I have with volleyball coach more.

Volleyball coach could not be more wonderful.  We spent the entire long weekend together and basically babysat our dogs to make sure that they got along.  I introduced him to a few of my close friends.  My friends were so thoughtful to note that they liked him the most out of all the partners that I’ve introduced to them.  It makes me feel good to feel like my feelings about volleyball coach are validated.

So we decided to go to McDonald’s for breakfast and guess who I happen to run into?  My ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for 4 years.  This is the one that I left, and then he tried to get back with me, but then my best friend betrayed me and hooked up with him and they’ve been together since.  Our interaction was brief, and only slightly awkward.  Volleyball coach saw through it all and at the right moment he asked about it in a non-intrusive manner.  I’ve been wanting to share with him a glimpse of my relationship past and this was a good opportunity to do so.

Volleyball coach is surprisingly more experienced with relationships and is more emotionally mature than I had thought.  I’m very impressed.  I asked him later on that night (because he wanted to have dinner with me too) if he’s ever been in a relationship that wasn’t seriously going anywhere.  He said he had, but it ended because the girl wanted more though he didn’t feel that she was right for him.  This answer was profound to me in two ways.  First, it confirmed my thoughts on how men fall in love.  They have an image that they are looking for, and the other partner needs to fall within this image before they can feel that they can emotionally move forward.  For volleyball coach, I happen to fall within his ideal image of what he is looking for.  Second, I thought it was kind of sexy that he has standards and that he had that experience before.  A man that is sexually experienced is sexy to me.

What I really like about volleyball coach is that he wants to do things with me.  We do stuff together that feels like we’re not just living our mundane lives together like doing errands, chores, cooking dinner and dining out.   I say this because many of my past relationships felt like it it was on auto pilot in that way.  Volleyball coach actively thinks about what we can do together and even puts in effort to get to some of these things.  So after dinner, we played this computer game together and it was so much fun.  He suggested shopping during the week (though our weekday schedules are a bit packed) and this coming weekend we are taking the dogs out to a dog event.

My relationship with volleyball coach can best be described like climbing stairs.  It feels like we are steadily moving forward through a bit of effort.  I am confident that eventually we will get to where we want to get and the journey is enjoyable.  My past relationships however felt more like skiing over unknown terrains, blindfolded.  There were times where it was smooth, exhilarating even, but I have no idea where it was headed.  Sometimes I had to climb back uphill, and it sucked but I kept at it because it seemed that eventually I would go back to hitting those smooth slopes.  It was scary, though the thrill overcomes the fear.  Eventually though, I’d wipe out and it was over.  I am so over doing what is basically the relationship equivalent of going skiing blindfolded.



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