Self Reflection

I’ve been on a vacation adventure that is only 1.5 weeks, but because there is so much happening, each day seems like two full days.  I don’t think much about vacations when I book them and only get excited about it when I am boarding the plane.  All of my vacations without a significant other have been very introspective.  Just being away and being able to think about things outside of my usual routine at home allows me to have clearer thoughts.

That said, I feel much more aware of how good this healthy relationship with volleyball coach is for me.  This is exactly what I needed.  When people say they just “know” when they’ve met the one, I never thought that could happen to me, but now it has.  In my last post, I expressed that I didn’t know how I felt about never feeling that crazy excitement from being in an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship again.  Now after having time to contemplate on things, I can say that I am done with that forever.

I just want to go home and be content with what I have with volleyball coach.  It isn’t about settling, and more of being able to feel a stable and content feeling.  It is what I’ve now realize is true happiness in a relationship.  What I had in my past relationships were feelings of fun and excitement.  I recently heard someone preaching about how those feelings are just distractions to what true happiness actually is.  I couldn’t agree more.  My relationships with some friends in the same circle of friends as mystery man fall under the same category of just distractions too.  I finally feel like my life is falling into place, and this vacation has helped me to just accept it.

It’s not that I believe that volleyball coach and I are perfect for each other, we are not.  We are imperfect in our own ways and even together we are not perfect.  What I think makes it work is because we’ve both mentally decided that we want to be with each other.  This goes beyond compatibility and chemistry – while those things are important too, and is a factor in the decision, it is the actual conscious decision to want to be together that is more important.

I remember doing an internet search when I was feeling insecure while being with mystery man of whether chemistry is important in a relationship.  I didn’t receive a clear answer from the internet, but I think I got my answer by reflecting on my experiences.  Mystery man never made the decision that he wanted to be with me and that is why our relationship would never work.  It was as simple as that.  I cannot resent him for it because I’m sure he has his own personal reasons, but now I can move on from it with that understanding and an actual explanation that finally makes sense to me.  I feel like I absolutely made the right choice in distancing myself from him and our mutual group of friends.  I had to put myself first and discover what it is that I wanted to find my own happiness.

At the time when I was with mystery man, there was nothing more that I wanted in the relationship than to feel that my love for him and feelings to be with him were reciprocated.  Even after we parted, I still wanted these things.  I am now more at peace with what I have and I am able to accept that we will not be together.  I know that with each passing day, what we once had together will become more distant and I will be able to accept it as part of my journey.  It will help me find more appreciation in what I come to find in the future of my relationship with volleyball coach.


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