Stability

I realize that I’ve never been a relationship quite like the one that I am in with volleyball coach.  I’ve never been in a relationship where my significant other had a stable routine that he is content with.  Volleyball guy wakes up every morning to walk his dog,  shows up at work before 9am, then leaves around 5pm.  After work, he either has a social activity, sports activity or just goes home.  He sleeps at roughly the same time everyday.  This may  sounds like a typical routine for many people, but definitely not characteristic of the men that I’ve ever dated.  It is the first time in my life where I am coming to a realization that having a routine can be a good thing, and can bring about productivity.  I feel like volleyball coach is good for me in that he brings stability in my life, something I don’t think I’ve ever had before.

While I’ve worked a regular corporate jobs before, I’ve always been the ambitious kind and outside of working the usual core working hours I will also sporadically put in extra time in the evening and on weekends.  I seldom made an effort to make anything a routine, because I thought that was boring and so I guess I was also attracted to the same traits in the men that I dated.  I previously identified that all of the men that I like were really ambitious, but I think what really threw me for a loop were the lives that they lived.  

Thinking back, mystery man was self-employed.  The few months where he did have to go into the office he still had the freedom to come and go as he wished and he became so fed up with having to be in the office and that along with a few other factors had him leaving the company.  Socks jock was a student with 4-month co-op rotations.  I met him when he was on a work term, then he returned to being on a school term, and then he left to Miami on a work term.  We finally broke up when he moved back to school and decided to join a program that required him to live on residence.  After we broke-up he spent some time in Hong Kong.  It was an extremely turbulent relationship and we were not at all in the same spot in life.  Before that, I dated the traveller who was at first unemployed, then he worked an evening gig over the phone and eventually became an outside sales person that travelled very frequently.  My ex-boyfriend of four years before that was juggling full-time school with full-time hours doing pizza delivery until past midnight and a full social life.  We saw each other almost every day for a coffee and I would go stay over his place sometimes when he picked me up past midnight after his delivery shift.

Actually, dating these guys made my life crazier as I would sometimes meet them in whatever city they were currently staying.  I am myself a bit of a jetsetter and it’s no big deal for me to get on a plane to visit my significant other.  My previous job required me to travel roughly one month a week and that was one of the reasons why I took it.  I could travel and get paid for it, plus all of the additional bonuses of collecting frequent flyer points.  It made me feel like a big shot, and kept my life exciting.

More recently my life has been very structured.  I’ve been working a contract position that is relatively stress-free and has a bit more of a rigid schedule than what I am used to.  My life is more predictable and stable, and similarly my relationship with volleyball guy has become more predictable and stable.  Though it all seems very normal, especially when I type it out, the whole not being in a crazy relationship is all very new to me!

I do like volleyball coach a lot and this relationship has so much long-term potential.  It is just something that I am not used to, and I wonder if I can come to love volleyball coach as much as I loved my past partners.  Those partners that I’ve mentioned were all people that I thought I could be with long-term even though our relationships were so dynamic.  I was drawn to the volatility of those relationships and I know that being with volleyball coach will likely not feel quite like that.  I just don’t think that the love that I might feel for him in the future will compare to the intense feelings that I had for say, mystery man.  

I know that I am done with being with someone like mystery man ever again in my life.  There is no way in hell that I would knowingly sign myself up for that kind of rollercoaster of a relationship (if you’ve seen my Mystery Man series, you will see how insecure and unstable I was).  But to never feel that crazy high of a lover that burns hot and fast is something that I am afraid to come to terms with.  

Every morning I wake up now and I think about volleyball coach.  I think about volleyball coach throughout the day and I think about him when I am aroused.  When he sends me sweet messages, I gush and I appreciate all of the small things he does for me like opening doors and showing up at my place when he misses me.  I like him a lot.  The way that I am falling for him is different and I can’t help but wonder whether I will have to let go of this relationship high feeling that often comes with these unhealthy relationships that I was in before.  

If you’ve never felt this feeling before, it’s like an addictive feeling, like some kind of drug and when you break-up it’s like a crazy crash where your entire life is going through withdrawal from the toxic relationship mentally, physically, everything.  

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