If you have been following my blog, you would know that I’ve been through a lot of hardships and pain when it comes to romantic relationships. Heartbreak was difficult and it did not get easier each time it happened. Now, when others tell me their dating stories or share their pain in looking for love, it just feels so real. I can empathize and understand the kind of emotional pain that they are going through and how difficult it is to remain objective and make decisions with the brain.
I think my perspective on love has really changed. I think I know what true love really is now, and it scares me. So what I used to think was that I wanted a guy that excites me, someone adventurous that can show me the world, teach me new things, provided for me in ways that I could not provide for myself. I thought that we would fulfill each other emotionally, be dedicated to each other, be appreciative of each other and be supportive of each other’s life goals. I had a vision of the role that I would play in the relationship, the adorable, lovable wife that was amazing at cooking and while at little clumsy and stupid in certain areas, was also organized and surprisingly capable. It’s a bit of a traditional vision, but I wanted that for myself. In my vision of love, I imagined us to sometimes disagree too but still feel this sense of completeness when we were together. To be honest, I didn’t think that this vision of what I wanted was so unattainable.
Now I know that being compatible with someone and being able to see them as my life partner is not enough. Even if I feel like they can fulfill my needs and be this person for me, there may be other challenges like if they are not in the mindset to settle down. A person that is exciting, dynamic, knowledgeable, ambitious, independent is also someone that has a lot of potential and is, in my experience, less likely to want to settle down. I know the telltale signs of a partner that isn’t sure whether they are ready to be with someone for the rest of their lives and think that there is just so much more in the world that they need to experience for themselves. There has been so many times where I’ve tried to instill my vision of everlasting love into a partner that just did not want it, or maybe just did not want it with me. I mean, I still believe in love and I truly feel like I have loved, but in some cases I find that the person that I love cannot love me in the way that I want to be loved or they just don’t love me back. This has made me really question what I am searching for when it comes to love.
I realize that maybe I am too idealistic when it comes to love. In seeing the relationships that seem to work, it seems that lasting love is much more steady and the men who are good and supportive partners are the ones that understand this concept. These are the men who have their lives together, have stability in their lives and take care of themselves. They are also the ones that strive for a stable relationship and do not take their partners for granted. In the past, I may have consider these men boring, not spontaneous enough and not sexual enough. These are the men that make for faithful, loving lifelong partners.
What scares me every time one of these men who who actually have the potential of being a loving, honest, supportive life partner shows interest is that the idea of being with them feels too easy. It’s like the equivalent of taking a government job that pays a decent salary doing the same thing everyday with little room to shake things up. Once the decision to settle down has been made, that is it. As much as I hated the breakups before, I was absolutely elated when I quickly fell for someone that I found exciting and interesting and thought that they could feel the same way about me. These relationships were rollercoasters, but when there was a high in the relationship it felt really good and fairytale-like. I really did hope that one of these men would fall hard for me, but that never happened. Instead, I am now oh so familiar with all of the excuses of a man that is just not interested enough.
The idea of having exciting sexual escapades is something that is still alluring to me, but now I know that the sex in these types of relationship is very superficial whether they are hot or not. Taking one of these guys for a ride is like getting a rental car. Sometimes it’s a short rental and sometimes it is a longer rental, but either way at the end of the day you have to return the car to the car rental place and you don’t get to keep it. I think it might be time for me to invest in buying my own car for the long-run. No more test driving cars, and especially no more test driving cars that I cannot afford.
I also believe now that despite all of the societal pressures to be in a monogamous relationship for a lifetime, it really isn’t in the human nature to do so. Mentally, I don’t believe that humans are meant to or are naturally inclined to be with and love any one person the same amount forever. Even in familial relationships there are ups and downs and periods where you are closer and more distant. It’s hard for me to, but I feel like I should cherish the relationships that I had that were meaningful to me yet did not last a lifetime too. For that moment in time, that person meant something real to me and to dismiss or try to forget it seems as if I am trying to write-off a part of my life. It wasn’t a loss or a waste of time actually, it was just time to move on.
I struggle because I don’t like that concept of having to move on and maybe I am being close-minded, but I feel like there could be something that is closer to a life time of love that is attainable. I mean, I’ve seen relationships work out in my own family. My paternal grandparents loved each other, even in death I feel like they are together. I have an aunt in her 50s who says that her relationship with her husband is one of the few things that she is proud of in her life. I want that, and I know it’s out there. I think I do however have to change my mindset of what love is to attain it.