From the Heart

I felt a sense of relief when I finally told sales man that I didn’t think we would work out.  It was only when my life became busier that I realized that dating him was taking more from me than I wanted to give.  It’s difficult for me to imagine being with someone right now.  I feel like I’m still coming to terms with my break-up.  For such a long time, I was sharing my life day in and day out with Mystery Man.  Even though it feels like something is missing when he is not here, it feels wrong when I’m with someone else.

I know that it has been months since I’ve spoken to mystery man, but I still think about him every day.  I don’t forget all of the reasons for why we are not together and should not be together.  Especially now that I am regaining my confidence, I don’t forget how awful he made me feel at times, but it’s a part of me now.  I think that if I had the chance to do it all again, I would.  I would choose to be with him a million times over, and I would choose to fall in love with him a million times over.  I also don’t forget how elated I felt when I thought it was good, even if much of how I thought he felt for me was fabricated in my head.  I loved him whole-heartedly and to me, it was a pure kind of love, a blind love.  And because of that I know that whenever he decides to think about what we had, in his heart, he will know how I felt about him.

Even now, I know I still love him.  I just need time.  In time these feelings will fade and our lives will drift further apart.  I feel confident that in time I will find someone that will be a better match for me than mystery man.  I know this because I know that there is someone that can love me more, and love me better than mystery man did.

My life without mystery man is different now.  Aside from my career change and all that, I feel much more in control of my own schedule and focused on what I want to do.  I spend more time on building my own confidence by pampering myself, exercising and meeting new people.  When I spend time on mundane tasks such as cooking, cleaning and organizing things, it feels good and I enjoy it a lot more these days.  It was completely different when I was with mystery man.  I had little focus, and life felt much more like a revolving door of social events, one after the next.

We had lots of down time too, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew things weren’t working out and so when we did spend time together it always felt fleeting.  I think it felt this way because I was looking for a deeper connection with him and I wasn’t getting it.  Every night together felt like an opportunity to talk, to connect, to get to know him better and share more about my own self; except that it just seemed to go by so quickly.  He would often seem distracted, stressed or just not fully present.  At times it made me feel stressed too.

In many ways, his demeanour then seems a lot like how I am today when I’m trying to date.  He never spoke openly to me about his problems, and so even though I feel like I knew him well, I don’t actually know his full story.  Of course, this doesn’t excuse all of the things he has done and how he has made me feel, but this is just my retrospective thoughts on it.  It’s easy to just be mad at someone for breaking-up with you, but there are some things I think I have the right to be mad about, and other things that maybe neither of us had control over.

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