Scared of Physical Intimacy

Third date with sales guy went great, with the exception that his place of residence inconveniently brought back memories of mystery man.  I invited sales guy out to fitness class with my friends.  I’m impressed that he was game to go to my intense bootcamp class.  It shows that he’s willing to try, and I really like that about sales guy.  Actually, I think I like everything about sales guy except his physique.  My friends seem to like him too and they really hit it off.

Things just get better with him, but for sure it scares me.  The prospect that I can actually be with sales guy, he would be the kind of guy that would whole heartedly love me in the way that I am looking for.  He is basically everything anyone could ever ask for in a boyfriend.  The part that scares me is whether we have physical chemistry.

The physical intimacy really scares me, though I recall the first time I was with mystery man I asked myself the same questions.  Initially, he did not seem all that physically attractive to me and so maybe this is the case with the sales guy.

There’s more things at play than just this.  Part of it is my own self-esteem.  My self-esteem has been a bit shot when it comes to this.  After mystery man and all the things he said to me about not feeling that passion for me… I just don’t have the confidence to feel like I’m good at that stuff, nor do I have the urge to do that.  Prior to mystery man, socks jock and I also were not that compatible in the sexual department, but I was okay with that because I knew it was because he had his own struggles with steroid drugs and so the issues I figured were on his side.

I hope that sales guy has experience in bed, because I’m not in a place in my life where I can deal with someone that is inexperienced on top of all of my own insecurities.  I’m unsure because although sales guy does seem to have experience, I’m not certain that he has enough.  I feel like someone with experience could help me overcome my fears, although maybe someone that is loving and willing could also help me – I’m not sure.

I think that if I have a bad experience with sales guy in bed, I would just be devastated.  There’s a lot of pressure on me for some reason.  I think this is why my sex drive has been so low.

There are certain things that I believe that I am really good at in bed.  I’m good at oral sex, and I am proud that I am quite open minded.  The traveller and I had amazing sexual chemistry and so I know that I can be really good.  I’m willing to put in effort and do some of the work.  I admit, I find it really hard to orgasm, especially when I am doing the work.  I am embarrassed when I get tired of being on top, and I am embarrassed that I can’t reach orgasm most of the time.  I am okay with not orgasming, but I usually feel the pressure from the guy to orgasm and it is really annoying.  These things were never huge issues, but just my past two relationships have really exacerbated the anxiety that I have with being intimate.


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