After writing yesterday’s post about my own personal growth after the relationship with Mystery Man, I came to a really big conclusion as to why things ultimately did not work out. When it comes down to it, the simple answer is that our relationship was superficial. This was the answer to what I’ve been searching for.
For a long time it was difficult for me to accept that it was a lack of passion or that it was my shortcomings that resulted in the breakup. I spent a lot of time thinking about why we couldn’t overcome our challenges with the relationship. Looking back at several videos of us together made me realise the reality and true dynamic of our relationship. Only through my writing was I able to understand that I was actually bored of this man who didn’t want to or couldn’t connect with someone beyond a superficial level. This comes as no surprise either as he had nobody that I would consider as being close to him.
This lack of connection, mental checkout feeling really impacted my sex drive. I tried to use sex to connect to him too, but it just didn’t work because we didn’t have a deeper emotional connection. I remember that I used to be pissed every time we finished and he immediately goes to the washroom to clean up. It was offensive and I felt like I wasn’t getting the emotional follow-up to the sex session. I didn’t feel like he wanted to take care of me, and this also applies to sex too. He was selfish in bed. There was absolutely a lack of passion, but it goes hand in hand with everything else. What he doesn’t realise, at least at the time is that he gets from the relationship what he puts in.
He also has said to me at the time that he didn’t feel the urge to woo me or put in that kind of effort. He had no urge, and I didn’t know why and wondered if I didn’t let him pursue me enough. In retrospect, I believe that there wasn’t anything that I could do. This general attitude ties back to his depression. There were things about him that makes me think that he wasn’t so satisfied or happy and this lack of drive is the real reason why he didn’t want to put in effort. He was only interested in obtaining initial approval.
It sounds a bit like I’m putting the blame on him, but I think I’m calling it out for what it was. I was stupid and needed to realize that I don’t need this. I allowed myself to continually be in a state where I was displeased. It was a lesson that I needed to learn. I don’t think that at the time I could have done anything differently. I did think about leaving him, but I couldn’t because I thought he could come around to realize that I was amazing. I felt that if we could have overcome the challenges that it would make us stronger. I wasn’t completely ignorant to the issues, I just had faith in being able to resolve them.
My mom says that men who are constantly on the look for other women because they are not satisfied in their life will always continue to do this. I know several friends who have dads who are like this and will bounce from one long term relationship to another for the rest of their lives. I don’t want that kind of life for me. I don’t want to be another notch, I am looking for dedication and loyalty.