So I’m about to go to sleep and decide to take a look at my OKCupid account to take a quick peek at some guys. I have two guys that I’m currently talking to that I have a mild interest in, so that has been keeping me busy and feeling positive about the dating scene. I was not prepared to see my ex-boyfriend’s profile however, and immediately started panicking. I just stared at his photos and felt my heart racing and my stress level increase.
Immediately, I thought about the possibility of him seeing my profile, but then felt thankful when I remembered that I was using OKCupid in incognito mode, which means users cannot see me unless I like or take other actions on their profile. I thought about reading his profile, but I was just panicking about all of it so much and decided to dislike his profile (so that he doesn’t see me) and so that I am not left staring at his profile in shock. While I know full well that he is absolutely looking to date others the moment we broke-up (and arguably leaving his options open even while we were dating), I just didn’t expect to run into his online dating profile.
When we first met, he told me that he hasn’t had luck with meeting quality people online. While we were closest in our relationship, I noticed that he had dating apps installed on his phone. I was livid when I saw that he had Tinder and OKCupid. I had him delete it immediately.
It is actually my experience with these dating apps myself that I was able to identify the app icons on his phone while he was browsing it. He never shared his unlocked phone with me, even to browse his photos even though he had the password to my phone. Well, the fact that he deleted those apps immediately when I told him to means that he didn’t care to actually close down his accounts. I do wonder if these were existing accounts that he just refreshed with new information, though at this point I realize that it doesn’t matter.
I thought that I was doing so well with being single, getting myself out there, meeting people and strengthening my friendships that I almost believed that I was over Mystery Man. I even started feeling that I had emotionally distanced myself enough to take a peek at the group chat that we belong to and make a few comments. Seeing his online profile has brought me back to the reality that I am not completely over Mystery Man yet. I would be upset to see him with someone new.
I think that of all the men that I’ve dated, I think Mystery Man has hurt me the most and it’s going to take me some extra time to get over that. Mystery Man has hurt me in ways I did not think I could be hurt. I never thought that I could be a jealous person in a relationship, and I never thought that I would ever decline an offer of friendship after a break-up until Mystery Man. I’ve also never felt so insecure as I was immediately after my break-up with Mystery Man. I also had to make some really tough decisions to discontinue friendships after our break-up in order to distance myself from him. In some ways, it’s crazy but I feel grateful to have the experience to feel these emotions. I think it helps me be more appreciative of a healthy relationship, and more understanding of those who are in relationships that make them act irrationally. I am done with that now though. I don’t want to feel anymore hurt from this man.
I can say for certain that I am much better off being single, and would rather be single than to continue to be with Mystery Man and continue to feel insecure, under-appreciated, jealous, and all of these negative feelings. I’m hoping that my temporary panic in seeing Mystery Man’s online profile is the very last time that I ever let this man make me feel this way.