Needless to say, I had to let the Old School Man go. It was clear to me that we would not be a good fit together. He just seemed too sheltered.
I was speaking to another man online who insisted on calling me to chat over the phone. Let’s call him Cuddle Master. He told me after our phone conversation that he was into going to raves, taking ecstasy and being touchy, feely and cuddling with strangers. He also said that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend because she did not seem to support this new interest of his, which he thinks is very important. I immediately said that I am not comfortable with this, and that was the end of that.
This time around, I am more aware that I will meet people who will not be right for me. This is especially true with people who are in the online dating scene – there are usually reasons for why these people are single. I knew that this would happen, and the idea is to just keep moving forward.
I’m finally better from the flu, and treated myself to a facial. I went to shoot some hoops at the local gym that was offering a 2-week free trial. Though I had a lot of fun, the demographic there was generally too young. I’ve been spending more time with close family and friends and keeping myself busy.
One of the close girlfriends that came out to play basketball with me was from the social group that I said I would avoid since they are mutual friends of Mystery Man and I. It seems like she is also done with the same usual shit and shenanigans, and is looking to get out there to do wholesome activities and not just get shitface drunk. Even though I said I’m leaving that group of friends, if that is how she feels and she wants to hang out with just me then I am okay with that. If she is willing to put in that effort, then she would be a true friend.
I’ve come to accept that Mystery Man and I will not be together. I had a dream last night where we were just laying in bed, and I told him that we cannot be together. Even as I said it, the dream became a lucid dream and I kept trying to hang on to the feeling of being beside him. It feels like I’ve internalized the idea of not being with him, but I still feel lonely when I am by myself with the dogs at home. It feels weird to not have him around. It feels weird when I’m cooking, and he’s not there to eat it. Part of me even thinks of the idea of inviting him over, but of course I won’t be doing that. I need to continue to distance myself further and further from this idea of us being together.
Understanding that I have to get over Mystery Man was a logical decision. There were so many reasons for us to not be together. I’m still finding it difficult to adjust to just living alone again. It makes me sad to not have someone to come home to, to cook for and to help with the dogs. He has left this vacancy in my home life that I now have to deal with somehow. I think I’m doing a good job with keeping myself busy and just re-jigging my life, it certainly feels like I’m moving in the right direction but it is so difficult.