Pissed on NYE

I’ve done everything that I’ve set out to do in my post: Last Christmas .  Basically, Mystery Man left me around the same time he did this year and my entire relationship with him felt like it was repeating itself!  I took it as an opportunity to do what I should have done last year, which is basically to stop hurting myself by pursuing a relationship that was going nowhere due to his indecisiveness and non-committal attitude.

And maybe it’s because I’m down with the flu this year, but as I am hanging out with my puppies and watching Netflix I feel pissed at the situation that I am in and I am pissed at Mystery Man.  Basically, I miss my house companion.  When I’m hanging out at home, making food, relaxing and watching Netflix that’s what really reminds me of the best times that I’ve had with Mystery Man.  The best times with him were when we were alone and I did not feel anxious about his interactions with other – which is wrong in a whole different way but I still miss him.  I think about how great it was to just be relaxing with him, his mannerisms, how he likes certain things and I was just so used to that.  What I had in him as a house companion, is something I’ll never have again.

I feel like I’ve lost something, and I have, but I feel like it’s so much more than that.  If he only he had the mental capacity to have put in the effort to try then maybe we could have had both that comfort and so much more than that.  I’m pissed that we had so much going naturally, that it was a waste.  I feel pissed that he took me for granted.  I have thoughts about him missing me, but then realizing it’s too late now, you can’t rebuild that relationship anymore because it’s been ruined.  I feel self-pity that I again spending new years eve without him.

I’ve been dabbling on these online dating apps and it pisses me off that I am back to square one when it comes to having a meaningful relationship.  Sure, I still see it as an opportunity, I’m not backtracking mentally in this breakup, but I also can’t help but be pissed that I have to do it all over again!  It’s like accidentally deleting a piece of work that you’ve worked hard to achieve, and likely by re-doing all of it, you end up with an even better piece of work but of course I’m pissed that the original got deleted and now I’m again working with a blank canvas.  Sure, it could be exciting but frustrating at the same time.

I miss Mystery Man, but really I miss the thought of Mystery Man.  I miss coming home to him and feeling like someone enjoys being with me, enjoys my cooking and then enjoys cuddling and doing mundane things like watching shows together.  I enjoyed feeling comfortable and the playful bickering.  I know it’s because I’m still emotionally attached to him and that these feelings will eventually fade, but I can’t help feeling this way at this moment.

Sometimes I feel like he made it easier on me by leaving, but then I also feel like he allowed this effortless relationship happen by being a passive asshole.  That he wanted it too, but just not enough to be decisive about it or put in enough effort.

I’m pissed because I feel like I deserve more from him.  I wish he could just see that me being in his life is better than the alternative… except he can’t and I think that’s the real reason that he is unhappy with me.

He always said that he likes me, but he’s not sure if he likes me enough.  I think he’s naive and it’s the whole grass is greener on the other side bullshit and that if he actually were made to see the grass that it really isn’t greener.  I have this thought on the back of my mind that maybe I can reel him back, kind of like setting him free and then have him come back when the time is right.  I just can’t get these thoughts out of my head,

But of course I know the best thing that I can do right now is just to sit back and respect his choice to not be with me.  I’m just saying that I’m pissed about it though.

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One thought on “Pissed on NYE

  1. There is so much here. I like your honesty, I can relate. Ive been here too. But the fact is, you should never ever long/beg/wish for anything that isn’t 100% yours and natural. And the fact that he is gone, just means there is now room for the one who is yours to come into. Please don’t be so hard on yourself – this is so not about you. xx

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