My Biggest Dating Mistake Identified

I think reflection is important and I’ve learned a lot about myself from the Mystery Man relationship and more about what I really want in a partner.

What I learned about myself:

  • Even though I’m the kind of person that can roll out of bed and just start my day like that, it does actually make me feel more confident to put the effort into looking good.  Shopping for new clothes, wearing makeup, going to the salon to get my nails done and even the longer-term stuff like laser hair removal are investments that I need to continue to make for myself.  Priorities shift in long-term relationships but others around me also appreciate this effort more than I think.  Embracing femininity is something I seldom get to do in my professional life so I need to allow myself opportunity to do this, because it makes me feel good about me.
  • I’m pretty damn good at cooking and making something out of nothing.  That’s a huge value that I bring to any relationship.
  • Dating, relationships and sex have been a huge part of my life because I am striving for something good.  That said, I feel that I talk about this aspect of my life to potential partners too much and it actually takes away from them getting to know me.  I don’t want to give off the impression that I’m the kind of person that dates a lot of people and doesn’t put value into developing relationships because that is not true.  Moving forward, I will talk about this topic less and it will be something that I share with my close circle of friends if I feel the need to divulge.
  • I’ve picked up a bad habit of swearing somewhere along the line.  It wasn’t always something that I did and I think it is kind of unnecessary and unladylike.  It also gives off the impression that I am a “bro” type of girl, which I am to some guys, but not the kind of impression I’d like to give off to most people.
  • I need to be happy in my work life.  Dissatisfaction in my work life (not everyday stresses, but just general dissatisfaction) gives off negative vibes in my relationship.

What I really want in a partner:

  • A partner that understands why certain traditions are important, such as marriage though at the same time understanding that making derogatory remarks about women and a woman’s place is wrong.  Even as a joke, it shows that they value their women less.  I want a partner that puts a high value on quality women.
  • Many of these wrong guys that I am with make me excited, but also stressed out because I didn’t feel like they gave enough.  Every opportunity that they gave me to spend time with them, I took it.  I never turned any of them down because I just gave whatever they dished out.  This made me stressed out.  I need a guy that will allow me to feel secure and calm about the relationship.  If I feel secure and calm, then I can then also bring that sense of security and calmness to the relationship too.
  • Sexual compatibility is important, and quite possibly more important than being able to feel immediately comfortable.  That passion, that zing and a partner that is not selfish in bed and willing to be experimental is key.
  • A partner that wants something meaningful, commitment and a real future together.  I used to think that it was normal for a partner not to know these things, and be able to feel it as we progressed but I’ve changed my mind on that.  They need to want these things, otherwise their feeling of indecisiveness, confusion later down the line will have a negative effect on me and make me feel insecure about the relationship and that’s not what I want.  A partner needs to show that in their actions and flirting with other women and the kinds of activities that Mystery Man was doing is not indicative of that.
  • A partner that explicitly says that he loves me and shows it too.  Not being able to say the words “I love you” in a long term relationship is definitely a red flag.
  • I have a tendency to be drawn towards like-minded men who are super ambitious in their career life and like to think they are above average in terms of intellect.  These are the same kind of men that are not looking to settle down and have unsettled business before they feel like they can settle.  If I want a stable relationship, I need to find a man that is either okay with a simple life and be able to see me as an equal partner that they need to fulfill their life goals.

My biggest problem identified:

Often times when I am single, I kind of look for a guy within close proximity for which I think I have potential with.  I also pick a guy that I think should most definitely be happy with me and what I have to offer.  Often times these guys initiate flirtatious behaviour with me and I see that as a green light that they like me.  They sometimes reciprocate and get comfortable, which is what typically leads me to some of my longer term relationships.

This time, I am going to just get myself out there, meet a lot of different guys and I’m just going to wait for one that actually goes for me completely and decide whether I like him or not.  This is a much more passive approach, and it is also difficult because I find it difficult not to intervene to “help the process along”.   This will be the most difficult thing for me to do, and I am now prepared to do it.

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