The Decision to Not Be Friends

So many ups and downs with breaking up and now that I am about 4? weeks into it, I can say that there are more good days than bad, although waking up in the morning is still tough.  Spending this much time away from Mystery Man has really given me a more realistic retrospective look on the relationship.  I definitely let him get away with too many things and if he hadn’t left, it would have been the right decision for me to leave.

Throughout our relationship, the reason why I was so insecure is because he continued to be open to possibly finding someone better than me.  Even though he was with me, he was still looking elsewhere to see if there was better out there.  I was not unaware of his behaviour, I just dismissed much of it.

I know I’ve mentioned some of this stuff before, but I think in summary the fact that he never committed to trying in the relationship and that he was actively seeking someone better was the worst part.

  • He had several dating applications still installed on his phone that I had to nag him to remove!  That should be reason alone to just leave him.
  • The incident where I found him giving a massage to the blonde girl in our group of friends.  I should have left him then too.
  • When we went to a bar with a dance floor, there was a girl that introduced herself to the group and he went out of his way to speak to her and invited her to come dance with our group.  Sure, this can be seen as just being friendly, but he really went out of his way to talk to her leaving me to be awkwardly joining the conversation or pretending to not notice and talk to others.
  • The time when he offered this girl a ride home, even though it was kind of out of the way to ask her to follow us home first so he can grab his stuff.  She could have just taken the public transit.  On one hand it’s a nice gesture, on the other hand it made me really uncomfortable that he really is reaching out to this girl, talking to her all night and then offering her a ride.  We barely knew her and as with these other incidents, it’s not a coincidence that these girls are not bad looking either.
  • Of course that time when he brought his female friend to a party and didn’t bother to talk to me all night – most humiliating night of my life!
  • At one point he was constantly texting this other girl (also in the same social group), and helping her with her resume editing.  She ended up buying him a birthday cake on his birthday, and it was awkward because I also bought him a cake.
  • All those times where he would hideout with the blonde girl in random places during house parties including bedrooms, on the rooftop, out in the parking lot and just dropping everything during parties to drive her home.  He even insisted on having me drop her off.  Pretty much the fact that he has a crush on this girl even though she’s taken.

These incidences are each hit me like a dagger.  I know it, and at the time I knew it too except I rolled with it because I felt like I didn’t want to overreact.  I’ve calmly spoken to him about some of the more severe incidences in the list above and his response is always the usual he didn’t realize what he was doing and sometimes that he didn’t realize and he’s sorry for hurting my feelings and being inappropriate.

When I think about all of these things, I feel like finally cutting him out of my life, not being friends with someone who has been an asshole to me and cutting out that social group altogether seems quite reasonable.  I don’t think it’s overreacting and I don’t think it’s because I don’t invest in relationships or because I’m overly jealous!  These people are toxic to my life, and like many times before, I need to decide how to move on.

I feel justified.  I’ve given a lot more effort into this relationship than Mystery Man has, and though I am not perfect, I was willing to try to make changes to make things work.  I talk about making space in my life for something new and just cutting out Mystery Man is exactly that.  There is no need to continue to have a superficial friendship with him or this social group.  I do not want to continue watching him whore himself out.  And I do not need to give an explanation either.

I was thinking of giving him the rest of his stuff back and telling him why I am no longer going to go out with the social group anymore, but I don’t think he needs that explanation.  He should just know that he has wronged me, and even if he doesn’t then I don’t care either.

This ordeal and my decision to just cut everyone off has taken a toll on me.  I have tried to mentally go through the scenario of staying friends, but I just can’t.  We tried being friends last year, and just ended back together and this needs to end once and for all.


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