Upwards From Here

I have to really acknowledge that Mystery Man makes me feel terrible in many ways, so much so that I have bad dreams about it.  Last night, I dreamt that Mystery Man just left me for another girl just like that.  And as I thought about it, he’s always just had one foot in this relationship and he never actually stopped looking.  Had he met someone that he felt that he liked more than me, and if seemed like there was a good chance that he could get with her, I have no doubts that he would definitely leave me.  He had absolutely no loyalty to me, none!

Breakups are just so psychological and I think that the reason why I wake up most mornings with so much grief and stress in my body is because I think I am going through the breakup and other insecurities that I had in this relationship in my dreams.  I feel like it’s maybe a mechanism that just makes the breakup so much more real and shocking to me.

What has always stressed me out, more than I should put up with is this group of mutual friends that Mystery Man and I share.  The drama and amount of stress that I endure from this group of friends is unreal.  So, Mystery Man and I essentially met through mutual friends, however this group of mutual friends that we have all met through an online app.  I am now in this inner circle, but I don’t want to be anymore.  This breakup has been especially difficult for me because in order for me to fully let Mystery Man go, I also have to let go of these bunch of friends.  Essentially, these group of friends are my single group of friends who often go out and do activities to meet new people and often times Mystery Man is using this as means to meet and flirt with other girls.  He doesn’t care about me and how I feel and that it makes me feel terrible.  I am not particularly attached to this group of friends nor do I think we have a genuine connection, but admittedly I care what they think about me.  Like what am I going to tell these people?  That I’m no longer going to hang out with them because Mystery Man and I are not together anymore?  I don’t want to look weak and unable to overcome my emotions.

I feel humiliated that Mystery Man is going around telling people that he broke up with me.  I also feel humiliated that this group of friends know that Mystery Man is this huge flirt and that he doesn’t treat me right.  I don’t want to be called out on the fact that I’m ditching all of these people because my relationship with Mystery Man has not worked out.  This is what causes me anxiety, but at the same time I can definitely see it from the perspective of who gives a fuck?  None of these people who are causing me anxiety mean all that much to me.

The bright side in all of this?  Today I signed up for Match.com, which is a paid dating website.  I took a look at all of the single guys and their profiles on there and typically when I do this on free websites it feels like I’m searching through a dumpster.  This time however, it feels like most of these guys are definitely better than Mystery Man… and when I think about it, I only need to find one.  I only need to find one man that is willing to pursue me, and to actually care enough to try connecting with me.

I’m not entirely ready to go out into the dating pool yet and at this point, I am just looking.  I just want to know what I am up against when I am ready.  I need to first figure out how to cope with shutting this group of friends and Mystery Man out of my life, or at least find a balance that works better.  And then I think I can feel more like I can move on.  I’ve been fortunate enough to be away and travelling for work so I think that helps.  I am giving myself until the end of December to just stop, and move on.




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