Biggest Dating Lesson of My Late 20s

As I talk about my situation with mystery man to others, I feel more justified that ignoring him is a good choice.  As I look back at our relationship, there were many good moments, but there were also many moments where I felt so unfulfilled and disrespected.  So many times where his flirty behaviours and judgement made me feel terrible.  I think one aspect that I overlooked too easily was his inability to put the effort into maintain friendships.  And as I thought about the possibility of him coming back to me, I am realizing that it is highly unlikely because he is not the kind of person that invests himself into relationships.  Often times, I hear him complaining that it is too much trouble, requires too much effort and I’m usually the one that encourages him to maintain connections with others.  Mystery man is the type of person that moves from one group of friends to another as he sees fit.  It’s almost as if these friends of his are so superficial that they are disposable.

I think right now, I think about what it would be like to be with him, if only he could change a few things about himself.  I wished that he was a more caring person, a person that values friendships and relationships enough to put in an effort.  I think about it, but then as I do, I realize that the man that I am imagining is not at all Mystery Man.  I used to think that we had similar values when it came to family, money, and career ambition, but a huge dissimilarity that we have is our value of friends and romantic relationships.  So in fact, we actually do not have similar values at all.  If he continues down this path, I think that he will find himself to be lonely and maybe by him leaving me it is better this way.

Though I admit that part of me still wants him to sudden realize the mistaken he has made by leaving me.  Mystery man hasn’t actually been gone for that long and if his history says anything it seems like it takes about a month or more for Mystery Man to truly realize what he is missing.  A piece of advice that I was given is that in situations where they leave like this, the best thing that I can do is to give them the gift of missing me.  Being able to miss me will allow Mystery Man to discover what it really feels like to completely not have me in his life.  It will give him perspective, maybe realize what it is like to be a truly single man.

A large part of me is coming more to terms with the fact that he won’t ever come back, and maybe I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now.  I’m actually a really happy person, and I don’t need Mystery Man.  There was so many negatives that Mystery Man brought into my life, so much anxiety that he has caused, mostly with his indecisiveness to be with me.  He has never had both feet in this relationship, and in retrospect, had he met someone who he liked more that he had a chance with, seems like he would have had no hesitation to leave me it seems.

Why I held on to the relationship for so long is because I’ve seen many relationships with so much ups and downs, where the man is less committal than the woman.  I have many close friends that keep on going out with the same person after multiple break-ups.  In one such example, the couple is now living together and in the other example, the couple has just welcomed their second child.  It seemed like preserverance was a key factor.  I am told that every relationship has their problems.  So it is hard to make that black and white call about anyone.

I think it’s always easier to look ahead, especially in my case where Mystery Man has left me.  Looking ahead means moving forward, and even if Mystery Man comes back, that just opens an old opportunity, and it should not be something that I should consider unless it happens.  I completely understand my friend’s stance, and also see that they don’t want me to be hurt by this relationship anymore.  The flip side of that coin is the idea that every relationship has its problems.  It’s difficult to tell, especially if you’re in the midst of it which type of relationship you are in for sure, one that will work out through effort and perserverance or one that will just not work out.

That said, I do look at these relationships and can tell that at least one of the parties are not exactly feeling completely fulfilled.  With a close cousin of mine who is in one of these relationships, it’s like she is constantly expecting to be disappointed so that when promises do come through, she can feel excited.  I’m not so sure that is something that I wish for myself though.  Being with Mystery Man, I was just like her and was not emotionally fulfilled.  I see healthy and supportive relationships and I feel confident that I can find someone that can give me that too.  The emotional rollercoaster can be a fun ride with the ups being just fantastic, but the overall ride is actually quite taxing on me.

When I started this blog, I was in my late 20’s and now I am 30.  I need to shift my way of thinking and stop wasting my time with these guys that cannot seem to commit.  I think the biggest realization is that I am really attracted to guys who are ambitious in their careers, cheatingly smart and somewhat conniving.  These are great traits to have when climbing the corporate ladder or finding success in the business world but I am seeing now that those are not the men who value relationships.  I think I need a man who is not unintelligent, but just more simple and would be happy with having a simple life fulfilling their life partner.

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