It’s been a few weeks now since Mystery Man has left and I miss him a lot. There are just days where I feel so down even though I am away on business travels. I think a lot about what exactly I miss about being with Mystery Man, because in all honesty there was a lot of bad stuff too.
I think I just really enjoyed having somebody to come home to and having a house companion, as I called him. Someone to be lazy with, someone to just watch movies with after work hours. I really enjoyed having to tell someone when I’d be home, and planning to do little things like pick up the dog food together. I enjoyed planning meals together and even cooking them to enjoy together.
We used to go on a lot of walks downtown, and I like walking but I don’t think I miss that part all that much. I feel like those were one of those mundane things that we did that had no meaning. In retrospect, we didn’t have a lot of meaningful conversations on those walks.
In general, there are things that I thought that I liked about him that were maybe not that special. I thought that he was well put together, always thinking up ideas of what was the next hot investment and giving me tips on how to manage the family money. He was good at those things, but on the other hand he was always late and had poor time management. I was attracted to his ability to be reserved and what I thought was emotional maturity, not getting upset, mad or stressed out easily, but actually his reservations in his emotion was him not knowing how to deal with his emotions. He doesn’t know how to cope with some of these things, and even with stuff that causes him stress, he just bottles it up. He is a very private person, and because of that it is difficult for him to seek advice from others. I feel like most of his social interactions are superficial because he isn’t able to open up.
The issue that I have and am realizing now is that I’m very attracted to people who are reserved. Maybe because I feel like only I can reach them and that only I can understand them and that we have this special connection. I also get this false sense that they can deal with their emotions in a healthy way, when in fact, the opposite is more likely to be true. Part of me wonders whether I’ve been traumatized to select for this type of guy. My father was terrible with dealing with emotions, constant flares of anger and was not able to manage it properly. My first boyfriend too was very sensitive and was not able to communicate when he was often overwhelmed. Even when I look at other guys, I sometimes mentally have a flag for when a guy has a short temper. I’m easily able to tell that one of my coworker has a short temper and it was something that others did not notice until I pointed it out.
Mystery Man and I had constant playful bantering. We called each other playful names and picked at each other. It was one of the things that I enjoyed and I thought it was unique to our relationship. Some of the stuff that I said to him was maybe a bit much and vice versa, but I thought I liked a guy who could bite back at me like that. One reason why I don’t go for some “nice guys” is because I feel like they put me on a pedestal and it felt boring. I wonder if my relationship with Mystery Man was too far on the other side of this that it was unhealthy because of it. When I think about it though, it makes sense for a guy who really likes me to put me on a bit of a pedestal.
What I am not going to miss about Mystery Man is how he made me feel when he flirts with others. We once went to do a fun obstacle course, and he wasn’t feeling very well. Normally, I’d expect him to naturally finish well ahead of me but on that day he was lagging behind due to his cold and I eventually caught up to him. We were running together for parts of the latter half and what made me mad was when he decided to wait for and then go ahead with another girl that we were racing with. This girl is an acquaintance and was just part of our race group, but she wasn’t aware that we were together and of course why would she be if he acted in this way? It’s just little shits like this that makes it clear that firstly he is not committed and that he doesn’t see us as a team.
Even though I feel sad and lonely at the moment, I am reminded when I go on my business trips that Mystery Man didn’t really care to call me. He would message me a few times and reluctantly call me if I asked.
I do wonder what Mystery Man’s ex-girlfriend was like and what this unrealistic ideal that Mystery Man is pinning me against. The fact however is that he is no longer with his ex-girlfriend, so obviously there was something that wasn’t working there either. I wonder if he is actually unrealistic or that maybe I just didn’t fit into this narrow-minded ideal. I want to say that I want the best for him and that I hope he finds what he is looking for, but I just can’t at the moment.
I am selfish and part of me wants mystery man to snap to his senses and realize what a great relationship we had. I think he realizes that we are a great team when we do work together. Yeah, part of me still believes that if we really wanted to, we could make it work. The other part of me knows that for it to work, Mystery Man actually needs to be completely different in some major aspects that seem to define who he is today. It would be difficult for him to come to a realization that what makes a great relationship are the underlying values, the partnership and the effort that is put into it all.
I remember there was a phase when we were really close where Mystery Man almost started realizing that a lot of our mutual friendships were superficial. He saw that the friendships that I had with my friends were actually wholesome and genuine. I think maybe he wanted that for himself too. He suggested hanging out with my friends more often. But now everything seems like it has turned backwards. I mean, now all he’s got are these superficial friendships. I guess he didn’t so much see it coming, but by leaving me he is losing both me and the circle of friends that we’ve come to enjoy together.
I guess when it comes down to it, he doesn’t know what he wants. It’s not like he doesn’t want me, he just doesn’t know whether he wants me enough. He’s said this to me many times. He had to choose to leave because it’s not fair for me to stick around not knowing if he really wants me and having me have certain expectations of him. It’s almost like he is fighting some kind of internal or mental issues of his own for him to feel this way.
Not that it really concerns me now, but it definitely feels like he is taking a step back. He is continuing to isolate himself with mostly superficial friendships, and actual isolation it seems. I almost wonder if he has feelings for someone else, maybe it’s the blonde girl in the group (she has a boyfriend). I see him going above and beyond for her many times and maybe he’s stuck in something that I just can’t help him with.
If we ever get back together, it will absolutely have to be without this group of friends. We can maybe hang out with a select few if they’d like to have a genuine connection, but that is it.
The other things that would need to change about Mystery Man is this narrow-minded ideal that he has of what he wants combined with the idea that something out there is certainly better than what he has now. That it would come to him and at that point he would feel compelled to work for it.
The more that I think about Mystery Man, the more I feel like he has a bit of a depression problem. The symptoms certainly fit:
- Inability to maintain close relationships
- Anxiety and stress
- Low sex drive
- Significant improvement in mood after physical activity
This really is the power of writing and coming to new realizations while writing. And now I am convinced that Mystery Man is depressed. Although I’ve never seen it, he’s also mentioned to me that when he is mad, he gets really upset.