I’m not sure what Mystery Man wants, but from what I can gather, it seemed like he had an idealistic picture of the kind of person that he wanted to be with and the kind of relationship that he wanted to have. I don’t think he ever believed that I could be this ideal partner that he had in mind, but I think he really did liked me and enjoyed our relationship nonetheless. It’s like he was looking for this perfect strawberry cake and imagined himself enjoying this perfect strawberry cake, but instead he was presented with a blueberry cake that really drew his attention.
Internally, he struggled with the thought of having the blueberry cake, but there was also this thought that maybe if he searched harder that he could find this perfect strawberry cake! He struggled with this internal conflict for a very long time, and every day he would consider enjoying the blueberry cake except that he just felt that he couldn’t because he was holding out for that perfect strawberry cake. He told himself that his type was strawberry and what he didn’t realize was that he was mentally conditioning himself to not be satisfied with the blueberry cake. He set himself up to not feel excited whenever he saw the blueberry cake, and so that was enough for him to declare that the blueberry cake was not for him. Consider at this point that he has never been in the presence of the perfect strawberry cake or know whether it even exists.
When we were together, he would put pressure on me to be this person that I was not. He wanted me to be more girly, wear perfume and not be so outspoken. I mostly resisted these nudges at the time, not thinking much of it. Mystery Man often highlighted and pointed out what he did not like about me. Anything short of perfect was pointed out and scrutinized. I scrutinized him too, thinking that we were just being silly, but the big difference was that I tolerated his flaws whereas he seemed to have built up a personal case for himself that these were things about me that he would have to live with if he were to stay with me. Some of these little nit picking points are laughable because they are so superficial. He pointed out that I have a round face and that’s not his type. I’m hurt by these comments, but at the same time, it’s like, well… I’ve had a round face since day one, so there should be no surprise there!
My girlfriend was quick to point out that maybe he failed to realize that even though I don’t have the qualities of this perfect strawberry cake, that there were other very rare qualities that he is overlooking. I mean, was this perfect partner of his ambitious, caring, conscientious, a good cook, adventurous and outgoing? Did this perfect partner vision have a close network of friends and family, supportive of his career ambitions? So, he likes the blueberry cake and all of these exceptional qualities that it brings, but he still wants the strawberry cake.
I’m certain Mystery Man enjoyed being with someone who made him laugh, has a close group of friends and family that he got along with, has their own condo that just so happens to be in close proximity to the downtown area, shared some common friends with him, has an understanding of his career ambitions. Mystery Man enjoyed the lifestyle that we had together and it was certainly convenient for him to be with me. Underneath all of that, I thought we had shared values and views on most things. We’re both really close to our siblings, we care about our parents even though we may not agree with them all of the time, it helps that our family has a similar culture, we share similar political viewpoints, we both enjoy standup comedy and documentaries, we both enjoy watching basketball, we both enjoy long walks, we have similar views on money, we seem to have the same forward optimism in the technology industry, and we’re both not religious. While we disagreed with each other, we’ve never had huge arguments about anything significant. Surely, I thought that all of these things were more important than some ideal!
While I don’t think that I am foolish about these underlying shared values being more important, I’ve overlooked the fact that he is not at the point in his life where he can see this is the case and his immature actions should have been a good indicator of that.
Both my friends and I agree that I deserve somebody that enjoys blueberry cake and appreciate all of the goodness that it brings. I guess the idea is that, who knows if Mystery Man will ever realize whether blueberry cake was really the shit and that he totally missed out on blueberry cake but there is definitely someone out there who can appreciate blueberry cake more than him.