This is a cheat sheet to remind me of how this relationship was more dysfunctional than I sometimes like to remember. Basically, it is a reminder for myself as to why mystery man and I ought to not be together. In addition to this cheat sheet, another reminder is this other post that I wrote nearly a year ago titled Worst Partner.
Yes, this is a list:
The easy stuff to accept –
- Starting with the superficial stuff, he is honestly not that good looking, is short and his lack of trimming below the belt is unruly. Lumping this in together with superficial items, he is not a very good handyman.
- The vanilla sex and lack of effort and experimentation, not to mention his selfishness in bed. There are no massages or oral sex unless I adamantly request for it, whereas I am very generous in this respect. There is no curiosity when it came to sexuality. Honestly, I sometimes wonder if this alone may have caused me to eventually leave him anyway. I admit that the thought has crossed my mind when I get really frustrated at this.
- His flirtatious behaviour with other women in front of me – most recently a topless massage of the girl that he seems to have a crush on in our common group of friends – and on that note, how about the fact that he seems to have a crush on this girl while he was seeing me? Offering free drives to other girls, not giving me assurance to his fidelity and the fact that he had dating apps on his phone until I gave him shit about it.
- I would describe our relationship as comfortable, but in retrospect, it was a bit mundane. Most of what we did together included eating, sleeping, going grocery shopping, watching TV and hanging out with mutual friends. We’ve never really pursued an adventure together as a couple. All adventurous activities that we did has been either initiated by me or was a group event. I’ve always criticized my cousin who was with this guy who literally only wanted to have her over for movies, cuddling and some make-out action. It feels comfortable and domesticated like a real long-term relationship but it is essentially lacking all of the exciting stuff that a real healthy relationship should have.
- The fact that his parents have enough influence over him to have him break-up with his ex-girl friend is definitely a red flag. His family weighs heavily on him and he is highly dependent on them. He is his family’s financial provider, driver and he relies on his family to run errands for him and to cook for him. While I saw this as him being a family person, it really takes away from his independence as a person and definitely could take a toll on a relationship. He would never be someone to consider his own money to be jointly owned by his significant other because his family money is too intertwined.
- Another reason I’ve thought of leaving him is that he really does not appreciate what I consider as my best qualities. My straight-forwardness, speaking my mind and even my physical attributes such as my breasts. He almost never complimented me.
- He is this really private person. He finds it annoying to be featured on social media, which I can accept but what drives me crazy about this is that he really filters what he communicates to even close friends and family members. When he left his job where he was a start-up partner, he did not tell anyone (as far as I knew) until he left. He crafts his messages, even about our break-up he wants me to convey a certain message to others that minimizes the impact to himself.
- He has self confidence issues, often checking himself out in the mirror and sizing how he compares to others. I’m sure he does the same to me, always checking to see how much extra fat I have in certain areas. He has even questioned why my private parts look a little different than what he is used to.
- He made a lot of fake excuses to not be with me, and maybe it was to protect me but it was dishonest and maybe he should have just left long ago. He made a multitude of excuses such as how he needs to focus on supporting his family financially, how he may need to move to another city to grow his startup business. He also often uses the excuse of having too much work to complete, which is why he cannot do certain activities with me.
The hard stuff to accept –
- Mystery Man has never had the urge to pursue me romantically. His idea of being with me is asking me to make him food, coming over to my place and playing video games with me. Most things that we have done that were actually romantic have been initiated by me: vacations, couple’s massages, fancy dinners, weddings. In fact, he has resisted even doing some of these things. He almost backed out of the one vacation we went on and has backed away from the idea of going on more vacations with me, including a local vacation getaway. I have good recollection of breaking up with a boyfriend because he didn’t want to travel with me before.
- He still seems to be hung up on an ex-girlfriend of his. He references this long term relationship of 3 years that eventually didn’t work out because his parents had good reason for him to not be with her. He cherishes this balm that she gave him and also a necklace. As far as I can tell, he hasn’t let go of that ideal relationship, and cannot seem to hold on to any relationship since then for longer than a few months.
- Many of the decisions that he has made while we were together was to avoid making me feel like he was in love with me. He avoided buying flowers and shut down many of my ideas. In his mind, he doesn’t want to lead me on, but really, Mystery Man is indecisive.
- He takes me for granted and has the mindset that there could always be someone better out there. Never being able to accept the idea of being with me and always trying to keep that door open. He has never even tried in our relationship due to this reason and because of that, he hasn’t been able to see the potential.
- I think he really equates being with me as hanging out at my condo, feeling comfortable, having companionship, enjoying meals together and hanging out with friends. When we were on a break, he still asked to come over and I think what he missed most and what brought him back is that he missed this comforting activity. But really, that’s not a relationship. A relationship is making that effort to make plans to be together. Even simple plans such as going to go watch a live basketball game together, plans to watch a movie in advance does not happen. Again, these are reasons that have caused me to end a relationship in the past with an ex-boyfriend so I should not tolerate this from him. Whenever he did invite me out in cases where his friends were hanging out, they were last minute invites. He never plans ahead to have me come to any event. And when I try to plan future events, he just isn’t for it. Basically he was more of a house companion.
- He has been really direct to me about how he doesn’t see me as someone that he would marry or be with in a serious long-term relationship. This is really difficult to accept, but I think it boils down to him having a very narrow view of an ideal partner. I am experienced with these types of guys and basically there is actually a real life person that fits this ideal, except he cannot be with this person so mentally he is looking for a replacement. He’ll make comments on my weight, my clothes, my straight-forward personality as it doesn’t fit within this ideal of his.
- He doesn’t get the feeling that what we have together is special. It’s this whole concept that there must be something better out there that makes him unhappy. He holds on to the thought that there must be something better.
During the course of the relationship with Mystery Man, I overlooked many of his flaws, some of which had been deal-breakers for me in past relationships. Falling in love has a way of doing that to people, including me. If he had never left, I would have just continued to overlook these aspects, focusing on the good parts of the relationship that made me happy. Now that he has left, maybe I should see it as a blessing because this is quite substantial list of items.