Tears of Selfishness

These types of break-ups always makes me cry, because I’m too immersed in the relationship and the long-term prospects.  But this time it is different because we had already broken up almost exactly one year ago.  I went against the advice of many friends to get back together with Mystery Man.  In some ways I feel like I chose this path knowing that there was a likely chance that it would again end up in heartbreak.  Last year when we broke up, I felt heartbroken because it could have been something more because the connection was so strong.  This year, I just don’t think that I could say that again.

I do want to cry right now.  Just seeing him take all of his stuff and going home is so hard for me.  It’s not like we had a huge fight and I feel hatred, it really is nothing but sadness.  But these tears are really tears of selfishness.  I’m not saying that I shouldn’t cry, but I am trying to say that I don’t have good reason to.  I’ve already cried about losing him, about being humiliated in front of my friends, about all the good times that we have shared.  I don’t even have the reason of saying that we didn’t try for the relationship, we had an entire year of trying and being in a relationship together.

Crying right after a break-up is perfectly normal, but it is also just out of self-pity.  I’m crying because I feel a sense of personal loss.  This self-pity crying is me facing all of my fears of losing the stability that was the relationship.  I’m scared of how to move forward and I feel insecure about my next steps.  I am engulfed in emotions and memories (typically all of the good ones) of how great we were and how it will never be again.  As much as I feel like this is a necessity in me getting over the break-up, I also feel like all of this means nothing.  All of the crying, ranting to others, writing blog posts about the subject, reminiscing – all of that is just to make me feel better.  That’s all, it’s just to make me feel better, but it doesn’t actually produce any real results.

The feelings right after a break-up is because of being sad at the idea and not so much the actual situation.  He’s been gone for one day!  Nothing else has changed.  The real sadness in ending a relationship is really after that initial hormonal period; years after the fact and still thinking about the good times and what it could be.  And I know based on past experience that there are very few relationships that I really look back and say hm, I wonder how that would have went if we hadn’t ended it?  And that is really the cases where I ended things.  If he ended things then it’s actually easier in the sense that I never had to make that call.  He didn’t want me, and it was good riddance that we aren’t still together and it’s good that I’m not receiving sub-par treatment by him.

Everything is mental.  And even though a huge part of me wants him to change his mind or even just fall back into the reality where we were (not completely happy) together, I know that the best thing for me to do is just to try my best to get over it and not have the expectation that he will come back.  This will lead to the least amount of heartbreak and the best outcome.

Even though we’ve both left that crack in the window to see if we can make it work, let’s just say that based off the events that have taken place it would be safe to say that it is highly unlikely for us to get back together.  Let me rephrase that, it is highly unlikely for us to get back together in a way that is healthy and sustainable.

Eventually, I have to mentally pivot to a reality where I realize that I really don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fully want to be with me.  And I need to minimize the sulking, and mulling over positive memories of our relationship (apparently that seems to be how the brain works right after a break-up).  It is especially the case with  me where I pick at every single little event that happens in the relationship and analyze it with a level of scrutiny that is completely unnecessary.  Mystery man doesn’t even remember what happened last week or whether or not we’ve tried a particular restaurant together or actually when my birthday is.

I’m not sure how many people are actually reading my blog posts, and basically I am writing them for myself.  I find it to be really helpful for me to shape what goes through my head through my writing.  And actually my documentation of our relationship allows me to recollect all of the things that were not so good with it.  In a sense, the not so good things are what I need to focus on to actually obtain a balanced picture of how to move forward and what I actually want.


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