Sexually Numb

While I am taking my own advice to sit back and relax, it doesn’t keep me from thinking about my relationship with mystery man.  It hit me today that I’ve never been able to be open sexually with mystery man before.  Our relationship has always been a silly, goofy and sarcastic kind of relationship.  I poke fun at him every chance that I get and I feel like he does the same.

It’s kind of like a chicken and egg problem.  I’ve never opened up to him sexually because I never felt that he has been receptive to being sexually adventurous; while at the same time maybe he is not receptive because I am not direct enough in my suggestions and they come off as a joke.

I’ve been a phone sex operator and have turned many strangers on with my voice and my imagination alone, yet I am not able to get into that mode when I am with mystery man.  I think about the traveller, and he and I had the hottest sex when we were together and one thing that he really appreciated was this talent of mine.  On the other side of that, I think I don’t feel comfortable because mystery man thinks phone sex is ridiculous and cannot envision getting turned on in that way.  In a sense, I feel like every person has a sexual offering of what they are really good at, and for me, one of the things that I am really good at is imagination.  Writing off this one thing that I am really good at makes me feel unsexy.  Just a willingness to try it or curiousity would suffice.

I’ve had really good vanilla sex with mystery man, but I really think what mystery man lacks is a general curiousity in sex and experimenting with different things.  I want him to take a leading role in this space.  I am very open minded, but I prefer to be led.

I guess I started writing this post with what I thought was a revelation that I have not been as sexually opened with mystery man as I hoped to be, but as I put my thoughts to words I feel that my inhibitions are at least somewhat justified.  I just don’t feel like he has put in efforts to please me sexually, yet he expects me to be seductive.  Just the simple stuff like going down on me, or prolonged foreplay is lacking.  I just turned 30, and my sexuality should be peaking as a woman, but I just feel sexually numb sometimes.



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