Mystery Man is Still Unsure

The relationship with Mystery Man and I felt like it was stabilising.  He had practically moved into my place, he liked and got along with my friends, but I  could tell that he still has reservations.  We’re good together, he surprised me for my birthday and he helps me around the house.  I know it takes longer for some guys to fall in love and I was okay with that, but we’re at a point where we’re wondering if he will ever feel at peace with being with me.

I saw a romantic photo of a couple at Niagara Falls and thought we needed more romance and suggested that we should go too.  I said we needed some romance, and he suddenly realised that I also noticed that something is missing from our relationship.  He said that he just doesn’t feel like he loves me and that he’s not sure these feelings will ever develop to that point.  He has never given me flowers or done any romantic gestures like that.  He said it’s not like he has never been in love, he has been in love and what we have doesn’t feel like love to him.  Of course this is hurtful to me and I told him that.

He said he needs some time to think about what he wants, and suggested a break.  I said that we had already gone through this! I said that he could leave me but that means that’s it and that I would consider myself a single woman.

In the back of my mind I always knew that it was a likely possibility that Mystery Man and I would break up.  I could always sense a hesitation and reservation that he has with me.  But then again, isn’t that normal?  And isn’t it also normal for relationships to be tested?  

He’s really struggling because while he thinks that we are great together, he doesn’t feel that spark.  He was really upset abouts the idea of breaking up and I could sense his immediate regret in asking for a break.  He took it back and said he’ll sit and think on it.

Initially, I felt that this spark that he’s looking for is romance and that romance needs effort.  And love needs time.  I said that I would like for him to stay.  As the days pass and he remains undecided on this relationship I start to feel resentment towards him.  When it comes down to it, I just don’t feel sexy.  He likes me and my sense of humour.  I make him laugh, but I don’t make him want me.  It’s the classic hypothetical equivalent of “would you love me if I were fat?”, except replace the word fat with whatever trait it is that you believe has caused him to not like you.  He wants to love me, but he just can’t.  

And as I think about it, I’ve never been in a less sexual relationship before.  I’ve mentioned before about how he actually enjoys handjobs and blowjobs over having sex with me.  He rarely performs oral sex on me and when we do have sex, it’s vanilla as hell.  Sometimes vanilla is great, and I think I can live off vanilla for the rest of my life, but I think it’s vanilla maybe because he isn’t into me.

As we talked about being on a break, I felt compelled to tell him that during our last break, I did try to date someone else.  I feel like I mentioned it to get it off my chest but I also mentioned it as an example of what might happen if he decided to leave me.  He didn’t like the idea of me being with someone else.  This may be the only time where he has expressed possessiveness for me.  I feel as if I’m playing mind games in bringing it up, but it’s almost like he wants to play mind games with me.  This thought of possibly not being with me made him want me even more.  

I know how mind games work and I am refusing to play it.  I know that if I just left him now, he may very well come back to me because he can’t have me.  I do have half a mind to do that.  The other thought is that I feel like shouldn’t have to play mind games on someone to have them like me.  I just hate the game, I really do.  I just want someone who is willing to put in that effort.  My stance is that all relationships have ups and downs, especially if you really care about them.  The success factor is whether you want to put in the effort to make things work in the long run.

If I left him, I would be in control of my life, but instead, I am leaving it up to him to decide whether he wants to stay or not.    I’m not sure if this is the right decision, but in thinking about my friend’s relationships and my experience with relationships, waiting sometimes is worth it.

In one example, I’ve seen a guy not take his girlfriend very seriously and not introduce her to his friends and trying really hard to not overdo the romance with flowers etc. They fought a lot but she never kicked him out and they are now together, meeting the parents and moving in together.

In another example, my friend’s boyfriend left her for his ex girlfriend and she was devastated.  He needed to see where things could go with the ex.  It didn’t work out and he came back to her.  Sure took him back and now they have been together for years.

It is not uncommon to question the direction of the relationship, and this can be seen as a good thing as a friend of mine has mentioned.  And there have been many successful relationships that have come out of a tumultuous events that have challenged it.  That said, I do find myself lost in thoughts about contingency planning and what I would do if Mystery Man leaves me. 

I think that if he leaves me, I may give up on this type of relationship that are so uncertain.  I envy the couple that just know that they will be together forever, but I do also wonder if this foreverness is because they are complacent and do not question whether they actually are better together… And maybe they don’t and maybe ignorance is bliss.

I just want what is best for me.  I do question if I am too compromising in relationships.  I do want to get married and have kids but I wonder if I say I’m okay to wait for the right time because I know that my partner is not ready? I’m not sure if I’m ready, but maybe I am ready but I just deny that to make it seem like I’m on the same page as my partner.  

I’ve told Mystery Man that there needs to be potential in getting married and having a family, otherwise it’s just a waste of time.  Eventually, that’s what I want.


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