Back to Normal, Pretty Much

As I am trying to distance myself from mystery man, it’s like all of these thoughts that I have about him withdrawing from me was in my own head.  He came over on Friday and acted like nothing has changed, if anything he seemed more committed than before.  Of course I expressed my frustrations to him about how he let me down and that I was really disappointed that he decided he wasn’t going on the trip.  He admitted that he didn’t really look into whether he was actually available and I pretty much gave him shit for it.  After thinking about it for a bit, he decided that he could go, and fast forward to Monday, he asked which days he needs to block off his calendar.  Turns out, he was just oblivious to how important this trip is to me.

Although I had a few social activities planned, including a girls night out, he was happy to stay over despite not having anything to do.  We drove from my place to his place and back again this weekend just to spend time together.  Although I initially had my guard up, I easily relaxed back into my usual affectionate self with him.  I’m not sure what happened with him this past week that caused him to become so distant, but it also seems like he is back to his usual self.  He even commented that he should keep a set of toiletries at my place so that he doesn’t have to truck all of his stuff back and forth every weekend.

Sex with mystery man being shitty is now becoming the norm.  The only thing he initiates these days are handjobs from me.  It’s not just him, I think it’s also me.  Though I initiate sex, I just can’t get excited enough to get wet.  It’s just a bunch of disconnecting experiences for us.  After giving him a handjob, I asked him to reciprocate and asked him to go down on me – he smirked because he knows he never goes down on me, but he complied.  It was good, but since he already finished, we didn’t finish with sex.  Then when we did have sex, I wasn’t excited enough and he was very distracted by my pubic hair stubble.  I was really embarrassed because usually I keep it clean and it’s not that I’m slacking off here, it’s because I had laser hair removal and the hair is slowly coming back.

So long story short, I think it’s him.  And I think I mentioned it before, but it’s that he actually cares about me now and he doesn’t know how to deal with the feelings and sex at the same time.  He’s also accustomed to masturbation with porn and associates sex with just fucking and all the dirty stuff.  I really think it’s hard for him now to have sex in a healthy relationship.

There’s not much that I can do about it, though I admit that I am self-conscious about it.  I’m thinking of investing in a laser hair removal product to get rid of the pubic hair stubble.  Shaving gives it the rough feeling, but not shaving makes me feel uncomfortable and waxing requires a period of not shaving to grow the hair long enough.  My options are kind of limited here, but it’s not for mystery man so much as it is for myself.  I am just more embarrassed that he mentioned it at all.  I like to think that I am well-groomed when it comes to things like that.

Both with the relationship and with personal body care, there are small things that I can do to make the situation better but I’ve now realized that this is the time to just sit back and relax.  I’ve invested a lot in this relationship thus far and what it needs is time.  There’s just only so much that I can control.

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