Taking Risks in the Relationship

I feel withdrawn from mystery man, and I can tell that he feels the same way.  I’m still angry about the uncertainty that he has about the relationship and that he would let me down by reneging in his decision to come to the out-of-town wedding.  I’m disappointed and I feel like I was setup to be let down.  I understand that it was not done intentionally, but his passiveness in the relationship is turning out to be quite disappointing to me.

In my last post, I said that he needed to be more active in the relationship and that I needed to be more passive.  Things seemingly were going really well and maybe he just needed to be given some time to process it and actively re-engage in the relationship when he is ready.  I figure that I needed to just be passive about it… , but I am reconsidering some of that.

He messaged me today and I kind of broke that rule and asked if he wanted to go workout.  He was quick to turn me down.  Good thing, because I am not really ready to talk to him.  I was thinking that we should have open communication, but I’ve been thinking about him and our relationship too and now I am unsure about it.  I like mystery man a lot, and because of that I am able to see the bright side of the relationship and I appreciate what he brings and I am happy to be with him.  Although, at some point I’m sure that I will judge him more harshly after the honeymoon phase and weigh all of these good things about him with this long list of his downfalls.

When we split last, I listed out many of these traits in my blog post Don’t Forget About the Bad Stuff and it mainly revolves around how he makes me feel insecure through his flirtatious behaviour with other women.  Though he is a little more conscious about that, especially after we talked about it, there are other things that I have been mentally adding to this list of downfalls that is weighing on my decision about being with him.

While I am okay with the sex dwindling down as we got more comfortable, I am not okay with him continuing to be selfish in bed.  He just doesn’t like to give, and that means no oral sex and getting a massage out of him is like pulling teeth.  He seems perfectly fine with having me give him an orgasm and then getting out of bed, and this occurs so often that it has become the norm.  He is not sexually adventurous and shuts the idea of being even a little bit out there down.  Overall, this makes bedroom activities a little vanilla.

Likely tied to how he feels about the relationship, but his reluctance to acknowledge the relationship to other people is getting rather awkward for me.  I can agree with keeping it a secret and just having our privacy but at this point, everyone knows that we are together yet he seems to go to some lengths to keep it on the down low.  It makes me feel devalued and not worthy.  I thought we were on the same page here, but we’re not.  I want privacy and to not have the relationship be judged, while he is trying to contain the relationship as much as possible.  It’s like he himself doesn’t want to acknowledge it because he wants to be able to pull away from it easily.

I’m not getting what I want in this relationship, but as I saw it growing and moving in the right direction I was very positive about it all.  The relationship needs to grow, and if that means that he needs to take a step back to rethink things then okay.  But I also need to take action.  I need to actively give him the space to think things through, and I need to be okay if he decides he doesn’t want it.  Because if he doesn’t want it then it just means that he won’t be able to give me what I need.

In order for the relationship to grow, we need to take risks.  If I want it, I need to give him time and space to make his decision and not accept anything less then what I need.  If he wants it then he needs to take an emotional risk to actually acknowledge that he wants to go ahead with it.  I’m thinking of just telling him to take the time apart and not feel obliged to be with me.

 

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