Commitment Issues

Mystery man confessed to me that he is unsure of the relationship and that he has a fear of commitment.  Things are getting real, we are getting closer and we’ve spent so much time together this past week.  Our lives are melding together as I am spending as much time at his place as he is at mine.  It’s getting serious and he is getting scared.  We are planning to go to an out-of-town wedding together as well as other activities.  On top of that, his work is getting hectic again and he always seems to think that there is some kind of trade-off  between relationship and work.

He says he wants to be open and honest with me about what he is conflicted about.  I mean, I definitely knew that he hasn’t yet completely made up his mind about me.  He holds onto this fantasy of being single and not committing, but at the same time actually committing to a relationship is becoming more and more real for him especially as we are getting closer.  Does he want it or not is the question that is looming on him.

Him telling me this and actually verbalizing what I already know about his indecisiveness makes me feel conflicted.  I was just starting to feel comfortable that the “seeing where things could go” was going really well.  I told him that I felt conflicted and that it is unfair for him to leave me hanging if he isn’t sure about me.  I don’t want to pressure him into making a decision, but I said that I feel like he should know me by now and that he should know whether he wants to put in the effort to make it work or not irregardless of the hardships that lie ahead.

He brings up a good point that this has been something that he has brought up to me before.  Nothing has changed, but I thought he was giving it a chance and it seemed like things are going well.

I’ve heard this spew before and part of me thinks that this is just his way of easing out of a relationship that seemingly is going really well, but he is just realizing that he doesn’t like me enough to commit.  The other part of me thinks that he is actually seriously thinking about commitment and it scares the hell out of him.  He has a very negative view on marriage, and he has a “realistic” view that it is not all sunshine and roses.  Things will be difficult and he doesn’t know whether he is ready for that yet.  I’d like to think that it is the latter, not that it makes much of a difference.

He asks me if I have visions of marriage and having children in the next few years and I said I want to eventually have children but I’m not sure when I would be ready.  The older I get, the more apprehensive I am about having children because I am more mature and realize the responsibilities that it entails.  While I agree with him that if we have very different views of where we want to be in the next few years then we should split, but I don’t think that is the case at all.

I said that he needs to make a decision about whether he wants to be with me or not soon, but that his decision doesn’t mean that he is deciding that he wants to be with me for life.  I just want to know that he is serious.  It’s not an ultimatum, and yes this is a natural decision that anyone would have to make in a relationship – it is going well, so do I want this or not?

While I currently still feel very positive about our relationship, I’ve decided that as much as I wanted it to work, I will never ever let him let me down like the last time we split.  I will continue moving forward and put myself first.  I just can’t have that again.  And I think one thing that makes it easier this time is because I have had the opportunity to see where it can go, we both gave it a second chance and we’ve both given the relationship effort, and it is good!  This is the best that I can do and there is not much that I can do much differently to make this any better.  This is it, and I can’t have any regrets.


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