I’ve reached a mental relationship checkpoint with mystery man. After we separated briefly, I decided that I would pull away from our mutual group of friends after a few key events including the big holiday party and a milestone birthday for a close friend. I eventually found myself back together with mystery man, but this time I was more apprehensive. I initially didn’t want to go on a weekend-long trip that was planned to be a few months out, but it was mystery man that convinced me to come. I decided that this weekend-long trip would be a checkpoint in our relationship.
Mystery man and I just started hooking up again shortly after we decided to separate, and we were back into this undefined relationship rut again. This time, when we discussed our relationship he said that we should spend more time together to get to know each other. I was okay with that given that we had been seeing each other for less than 6 months, but this checkpoint was to evaluate whether I wanted to continue with this or not.
So, up until this checkpoint we spent lots of weekends together and I did not hesitate to ask to come over to his place. We stayed over at each other’s place every weekend and then we spent almost the entire weekend together. We’ve worked together, ate together, cooked together and went on walks together, just like we never separated. We went to parties together and I never hesitated to message him first. We had a lot of great sex, and sexy moments together, although it isn’t really about the sex at all. He fixed my bed, and I cooked dinner for him. Things became better than it was before we briefly separated. He was much more open with me, he showed that he cared for me and he would make more of an effort to call or message.
That said, I have to evaluate everything; the good and the bad. The most obvious thing that bothers me is that we are still playing this big game of charades in front of our friends. If it wasn’t for the charades, I don’t care for telling people that we are together. It is the pretending that we are not together bit. I feel like there is a valiant effort to pretend to not be together from not taking photos together, to obviously focusing on our other friends while we are hanging out with mutual friends. (Everyone knows we’re together, so I’m not sure who we are trying to fool here). I feel ridiculous. This weekend at the cottage, we slept in separate beds that were adjacent to each other… and then he asked me to sneakily join him in his bed on the second night. I am too old for this.
The other big thing that offends me is him being flirty. He’s a little better about being respectful to me when I am around now, but his flirty behaviour is annoying as hell. I don’t want to be this crazy jealous person, but it’s so difficult for me to trust him if he’s blatantly flirting with the ladies in front of me. I know he doesn’t have anything with these other ladies, but I hate how it makes me feel. This issue alone is enough reason for me to leave him.
Although sex is fantastic with mystery man, he continues to be selfish in bed. Sometimes when I’m not in the mood, I’m okay with giving him a handjob or blowjob and be on my merry way. What I don’t like however is when we’re both in the mood and he doesn’t reciprocate my oral sex acts. His manual stimulation is also lazy. I’m at the point where if he is doing it poorly, I am happy to correct him, but I’ve not asked him to perform oral when he doesn’t initiate. I don’t think he enjoys giving oral sex, and while that is a turn-off, I feel like it may also be a communication barrier that I may need to overcome.
So while the cottage trip was sweet, it brought clarity to where we are in our relationship. Although I am happy when I am with him, I am not happy with the relationship. Things need to change for this to work.
I think two things need to happen. I need to give him space to actually choose me, and I need to be more open in communicating that I am not happy with it. Both of these things go hand in hand because really, I’m not happy because I don’t feel that he is choosing me fully to be his partner. I’ve put in a lot of effort since we got back together, but that is not what this relationship needs. It needs space. It needs for me to stop, stand back and wait for him to come to me.
This relationship checkpoint made me realize that I should stop initiating more often than not. I will no longer initiate the majority of our messaging conversations, ask him directly to Skype me or call me. I will no longer initiate activities that we can do together, because he hasn’t gone with any of them anyway. I will no longer call him him to ask if I can come over. I’m not going to make it so easy for him to just be with me on cruise control. More on that next time.