Second Time Around

This time around with mystery man seems a little bit different.  We are not officially together, and I am more aware of that fact now.  As I am starting to feel like I’m falling for him all over again, I am a little bit more grounded this time.  I’m more reserved about getting carried away about where this can go.  I am more apprehensive and feel like I should be hedging my bets.  Mentally, I acknowledge that I am still single and that I should continue meeting people at the very least even if I am not dating them.

Although I am not seeing baseball guy or dating anyone else at the moment, I keep myself occupied and continue to have an active social life outside of mystery man and our mutual group of friends.  Our mutual friends are fun, but I do acknowledge that I sometimes just go out to see him, and that isn’t genuine at all.  These events shouldn’t be about us, it should be about just coming out and having a good time with our friends.

I also don’t like his behaviour around our mutual friends because at this point I feel like we are trying too hard to cover the fact that we are together.  That feels fake to me too.  Because we are trying so hard to cover up that we are together, we end up rarely talking to each other when hanging out with mutual friends and it seems rather unnatural.  I also see that he tries to talk to other girls at these events, maybe as a way to cover things up, but this also makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes unnecessarily jealous.

Do I want to come out and just say that we are together with our mutual friends?  Well, I know that they all believe that we are together, but it’s just not something that is openly acknowledged.  Confirming it would hurt the ego of somebody in the group who had a crush on me.  For him, it would be openly admitting that he is serious with somebody to someone that he likely has some kind of feelings for even though she is in a relationship.  These are social complexities that I myself would rather not deal with right at this moment when we aren’t even sure if he wants to see where this could go.

I just want to be able to enjoy the moments that we have together and not have to worry about external drama, because I believe that is what matters most.  If we can both agree that we want to see where things can go, then I would like to be open about our relationship.

The difference now is that I no longer feel obliged to go to these social events just to see him.  Actually, in order for me to feel content in this relationship, I need to feel that we are both actively making time to see each other because we want to see each other.  I don’t want to feel like we are just conveniently being together because we see each other in passing so often.  I need to feel more confident that he is choosing me.  I feel so strongly about this now and I think it would give me a clearer perspective on where we are.


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