So… I’m back on with mystery man.
I was shifting between mystery man and baseball guy for quite some time now and was starting to decide that I couldn’t date either of them. I was set on letting baseball guy go first, because he was getting way too into me and I didn’t want to lead him on. I told him more than one time that we cannot continue, but he continued to insist that we should just take things slower. While he talks about taking things slower, he continued to impose himself on my life, asking me to make time for him and trying to self-invite himself to my social events. It started to get a little scary, his persistence and manipulative behaviour. The final straw was when we went to a party at a coworker’s place, he tried to have me stay by hiding my shoes (one out in the hallway, and one in my coworker’s guest bathroom shower stall). That was it. I was freaked out and just stopped talking to him, although I knew that we had to talk things out eventually since he is my coworker. After some long-winded conversations over the phone and in-person, he has finally accepted that we are in different places and that it would be best for us to remain friends and maintain our professional relationship. I’m really relieved that he was able to be mature about it, although I also know that he still has a glimmer of hope that we could still be together.
It feels right to let baseball guy go, especially because I was starting to sleep with mystery man again. It felt confusing, because I didn’t know how I got into the situation. One minute we decided that we would be friends, and then I’m trying to respect that boundary but he shows that he misses me. He wants to hang out as friends, and it’s clear that we both enjoy hanging out with each other and so I found myself in a situation where we started sleeping with each other again. Emotionally, I tried to keep a distance, which was why I was glad to have baseball guy in the picture initially. I was even glad when baseball guy suggested that we keep trying because I really did not want to be hurt by mystery man again.
I questioned whether mystery man and I were now friends with benefits, and I tried to accept that for awhile. I kept an emotional distance, but there’s something that pulls mystery man and I together that is beyond just sex. We would gladly hang out with each other without having sex, and we’ve done that many times. I asked him whether we were just friends with benefits now, and he initially ignored my question. I continued to keep as emotionally distant as I could and decided to give this undefined relationship a time limit.
Just as I began to do that, it seems like something started to change with mystery man. I asked him if we could kiss more outside of bed, and he was silent. He responded and said that he is thinking about how he could tell our friends that we are together. That was a bit unexpected I thought. He says that he is worried about the challenges of being in a relationship (as he has mentioned before) and not being able to overcome them. The challenges mainly being whether he might have to move to a different city and having to work long hours. He said that he is worried that if he doesn’t spend enough time with me that I may stop liking him. I asked him what he really wanted, and that I felt that challenges like these can be overcome if he wanted it enough. He said he isn’t sure, but he thinks that we should continue spending time together to get to know each other more. He acknowledge that he doesn’t want to waste my time too as he realizes that I may want to settle down in the near future. I said I just want to enjoy him and that I don’t need to announce it to the world but that I don’t want to be with anyone that doesn’t want me. There was a small shift from our previous conversations where he felt that he wasn’t yet ready for a relationship. This was good, but again, I continued to keep my distance as he is still unsure.
After that conversation, I felt that he really is putting in a conscious effort into dating me and getting to know me. He makes an effort to spend weekends with me, go to brunch with me and take me on walks. He makes an effort to kiss me more often because I mentioned that I would like that and he has decided to pay for every meal. We talk a lot more about our work and our families and I think he realizes that we have a lot in common in that respect. I told him that I got a bonus at work and he asked me to take him out. So, I plan a fancy date with him, and last minute he cancels due to work! I was a little devastated because there was some excitement build-up to that night, but I was okay because I felt like I still have a barrier up with him. I questioned whether he wanted to do this with me or whether I was pushing it on him. He was okay to re-schedule it the following week. So, we finally go and it was such a sweet and romantic time. It was at a really upscale restaurant and the bill came out to an exorbitant amount, which I was fine with but to my surprise, he paid for the bill! I was baffled and taken back by this unseen generosity from him! This was supposed to be to celebrate my bonus. This really took me off-guard because I think it shows that he is really trying to make things work with me and taking it upon himself to be a good man.
Sex with mystery man has been better than ever recently. The fancy dinner was followed by some sexy lingerie sex. We spent so much time together this past weekend and it was just so good. Valentine’s day was yesterday and he spent the whole night with me. He’s not a chocolates and flower kind of guy, but we cooked lobster together and he asked me to wear my sexy stockings again for some sexy time. How could I still keep my emotional guard down after all of this? It feels like our relationship is better than it ever was and that he is actually trying to see where this can go as opposed to being apprehensive about leading me on. I see the way he looks at me and he doesn’t have to say anything but he seems smitten. In the morning, I packed him some lunch and I can tell that he feels like he is the luckiest guy in the world with that grin on his face. He kissed me like a hundred times before he left.
I think I learned a lot from baseball guy and I am thankful to him for reminding me how not to act while in love. Coming off as a crazy person is not ideal under any circumstances, and especially when the other person is a bit apprehensive about where the relationship could go. I learned to just live my life and if we can find those moments where we can spend time together then just to cherish those moments. Saying no to things is okay, and sometimes preferred. The other person can tell when you’ve conformed your entire life to be with them and that is a huge turn-off. So now I am keeping busier with reviving my foodie meetup group, having a side business project, my hectic career which involves a lot of travelling and hanging out with my coworkers and school friends. I don’t have to go out with our mutual friends just to see mystery man, and actually I prefer not to sometimes. I don’t like seeing him flirt with the other girl sometimes, and this way he needs to make a bit more of an effort to see me.
I do realize that I have a trust issue with mystery man, but his recent actions have left me feeling reassured. He makes me feel more comfortable in his actions and it’s clear that he comes home to me, and he spends Valentine’s day evening with me. Isn’t that enough reassurance? I don’t need to know who he hangs out with the rest of the time and I won’t pry and ask as I’ve learned from baseball guy that that is extremely annoying.
I see that baseball guy’s approach to thinking with his heart portrays him as a crazy, self-imposing, selfish and manipulative person. I don’t want to fall into the same trap. I must think with my head, show confidence while at the same time allow mystery man to also feel comfortable with opening up to me. He need to feel that I don’t need him, and that I don’t need him to be happy but that he does make me feel happy and vice versa.
So there you go… I’m right back into this relationship with mystery man and I am okay with it.