Letting Him Go

Baseball guy is showing his true selfish colours and I’m mentally done with him.  He’s always shown selfishness in his pursuit of me, being rude to other coworkers and to my friends when he didn’t need to be.  He completely doesn’t care and has a single track mind when it comes to me.  The latest development was when we were partying it up with coworkers.  At the end of the night he drunkenly offered me a ride knowing full well that he wasn’t sober.  I declined and said he should get home safely.  As I’m leaving, I found out that he had hidden my shoes!  I was so pissed.  Eventually, one shoe was found in the hallway and the other was found in the guest bathroom shower stall.  He continued to deny that he hid the shoes until much later that night.  I almost just left without shoes.

That night mystery man was texting me and since the party was closeby, I asked if I could stay over.  He said yes and later said he was glad that I came over.  Though I was drunk he didn’t make a move on me and suggested that we sleep. I was too drunk and he knew that.  Our relationship with each other is that we are friends first, even though we have a sexual component to the relationship.  We spent the whole weekend together and he was sweet to me.  We went for food and took walks together, upon his suggestion. 

He brought up the relationship talk when I asked him about why he doesn’t kiss me outside of bed.  He said he was thinking about how he could tell our friends that we’re together.  I was surprised, and he got all serious about it.  Of course he has commitment issues and he’s not sure about it all.  I said that I don’t want to be with anyone that doesn’t want to be with me.  He said of course.  He just thinks that at this age, a commitment to be together means a lot more because there’s no point in commiting if the potential to get married isn’t there.  I agreed.  He falls into the mental trap of always thinking that there could be someone that he could like more.  I said that I wouldn’t want him to think that he is settling.  Eventually we agreed to continue to spend time to get to know each other more.

I enjoy spending time with him, even though I know that what we have might be fleeting and there are many things about him that I’m not sure I can live with.  I would be lying to myself if I think that he could come around and like me the way things are going now and I don’t want to lead myself to believe that.  At this point I think that I would be okay if we decided to break up again.  I no longer have faith that we could be together in the way that I had hoped, I just continue to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is.  I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine.  I enjoy our friendship and our physical relationship and he does as well.  I don’t need him, but he certainly makes my life more enjoyable at this moment.

At this very moment, I just want to enjoy him, and I told him that.  I don’t  want us to be judged by others.  I do love him, though I think that after more than 4 months of being together, he should know me and know whether he likes me or not.  At some point I will have to tell him that I can’t be with him if he doesn’t fully choose me and feel like he’s settling.  Things likely won’t changed, so I think I’ll have to let him go for him to figure out what he really wants.  I’ve mentally set a date in my head of when I would have to make this decision.

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