A Shameful Balance

I continue to juggle mystery man and baseball guy in my life to the point where I feel like it’s shameful.  Although I’m not committed to either one of them, I don’t think they know the extent to which I am involved with the other.  Mystery man knows that there is someone else that is madly in love with me, and whom I spend time with although based on the way I’ve communicated it and just by knowing me he’s concluded that I’m just leading on this other guy.  Baseball guy knows that I was dating mystery man who is in my close group of friends, and I continue to spend time with this group of friends whom I’ve decided not to share with him.

So, where exactly am I with these men?  I really like mystery man and somehow he’s sneaked his way back into my life and we continue to be undefined.  As much as I hate to admit it, we are friends with benefits and the sexual part of our relationship has been better than ever.  I feel shameful about it.  I don’t like baseball guy in this way and for quite some time now, I’ve been trying to like him in this way.  He’s everything that I could ever ask for, kind, romantic, intelligent yet I just can’t love his quirkiness.  We don’t connect on the same level, but I continue to enjoy spending time with him.  Although baseball guy and I kiss, I can’t get myself to sleep with him, because I’m just not there with him and I am sexually active with mystery man.

In summary, there’s one guy that I like but he continues to disappoint me, and there’s the other guy who is in love with me but I just don’t love him back.  It’s kind of a good balance in a sense as I get love from one guy and feel fulfilled in that way and then I enjoy a strong sexual passion with the other guy.  It’s a shameful good balance.

I can’t keep going like this though.  In speaking to my close friends and family, they all think that neither guy are right for me.  It’s true.  Of course mystery man is not right for me for the many reasons that I’ve mulled through in my previous posts, but essentially he is not interested and likely seeing other women.  Baseball guy is also not right for me because we are just not compatible.  I try really hard to like him but I just don’t feel like he is genuine when he is around me, he often imposes himself onto my life, and I just don’t get his quirkiness.  There are other things about his lifestyle that just doesn’t fit well with mine too.  He is very religious and has a strong root in his church while I’m not religious at all.  He isn’t genuine and I’ve seen him be vindictive towards others.  He doesn’t have eating habits that I can live with.  He eats really little and he doesn’t really understand the basics of nutrition or trying to eat healthy.  So this isn’t specific to eating healthy, it’s that he lacks some common sense and I just can’t pin point it.  I cannot be with him because I cannot seem to oversee his flaws.

Neither of these men are right for me, yet I’ve been going back and forth between the both of them trying to find the better fit.  It’s like trying to fit two keys that are not the right fit to a lock.  I keep alternating to see which key fits better, but really, neither one of them fit.  I need to open my eyes and look elsewhere, but before I do that, I need to somehow just stop it with these two guys.  I just need to stop it.

I’m not really emotionally attached to these guys and can do without them.  Although I like mystery man, I know that I don’t need him.  I’ve already gone through too much heartbreak because of him.  I would be hurt to discover that he liked someone else, but I know that he isn’t into me.  I just would like to think that he isn’t into anyone.  I work with baseball guy, so I hope that he would understand and just accept that things didn’t work out.  Somehow I don’t expect that to be the case given his vindictive nature.  It would be difficult to end it with both of them, for different reasons.  It doesn’t help that the both of them are so integrated in my life, through work and through my close friends.

It’s difficult to get away from it all, which is why I enjoy my business travels so much.  For a moment in time, I am literally away from my life.  But I slowly need to find other things to distract myself.  The fact that I have enough time to juggle two men in my life means that I can redirect that energy elsewhere.