I’ve been travelling a lot for work and I find that it keeps me feeling centred, because I’m away from my life and I have more time to spend on my own and more time to really evaluate what I want. Travelling can be lonely sometimes, but it helps that the men in my life recently have been good at checking in with me. The baseball guy is especially good with his scheduled phone calls with me, and now mystery man also checks in on me via messaging and when prompted he would video call me. I struggle to understand the dynamic with both of these men in different ways. With baseball guy, I sometimes feel that he is coming on too strong and it doesn’t leave room for me to miss him or develop feelings for him. At times, I feel like he’s a bit intrusive. With mystery man, well, I’m still struggling to understand our dynamic, though he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like me enough to have a relationship with me it’s very confusing as he continues to lead me on.
Mystery man confuses the hell out of me. We’ve had two separate conversations now about how he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, and I’ve tried to keep my distance from him by not inviting him over and not initiating sex, going home from his place and not staying over – except this doesn’t seem to be working the way that I hoped. I do find that mystery man continues to initiate with me. He checks in on me while I’m away and now when I ask him to do things with me, he is way more willing to do these things with me – something that I had a huge issue with before. He now video calls with me, works out with me, cooks with me, goes shopping with me, takes me out for food and offers to pay, pays for things for me when we do group activities. He was even okay with me meeting his mom the other day, but maybe that was just logistical reasons as he had to drop her off at the station… though he messaged me the next day just to tell me that his mom really likes me and thinks that I’m pretty.
I think there are a few factors in his change in behaviour. Firstly, his workload has eased off a bit and that was a huge looming factor in why he was so distracted. Secondly, I think whatever lady friend of his that may have temporarily been in the picture, is no longer in the picture. He too is lonely and I get that sense when we video call and hang out, he just wants companionship.
As baseball guy was a little out of the picture because he was also travelling for work in Europe, mystery man and I have been rekindling what we once had. Our video calling and messaging cumulated in spending the entire weekend together. He came over on Friday night and we cooked together, watch Netflix and just slept. The next day we went for coffee, a walk, then worked out together. He felt sick after working out so I played nurse and he even almost missed part of the birthday party of the other girl in the group that he seems to have a huge crush on. It was like we were back together again… but even better. He’s more relaxed than usual, and he seems to be more appreciative of my nurturing ways. He hasn’t flirted with other girls in front of me after we had a conversation about that, and we left the birthday party together and he stayed over yet again. He initiated some sexual play the next morning, which we couldn’t finish because he had to go meet his parents.
As he left to go meet his parents, I also left to go to my parent’s place. I called the baseball guy because we were supposed to meet this weekend too. He had other plans, so I was kind of relieved. I was too deep into mystery man, and I started to think about how I needed to cut out baseball guy from my life in that way.
Since baseball guy couldn’t hang out, I went back home and mystery man came back to my place and we continued our sexual activities where we left off. Sex with mystery man is kind of the same old shit. It’s good, and he’s good at it, but it lacks exploration and spice. I’m glad it’s the same old shit though, it’s kind of what I needed. We then headed to meet up with friends to do a fitness course after dropping his mom off at the train station. I admit that I felt a very deep connection with mystery man once again, especially after the sexual activities. The physical component just pulls me towards him and all I want is just to physically be with him. I hugged him goodbye as he dropped me off.
I went home, got on the phone with the baseball guy and felt kind of guilty for blowing him off. I didn’t want to drag him into this disastrous mess that I was in. We made some plans to spend a weekend together skiing, but I just can’t do it. I’m too emotionally conflicted is what I was thinking. I also felt that he was coming on too strong, and it scared me. Even if I wasn’t involved with mystery man, I didn’t want to be smothered. I told him that at this point in time, I just wanted to be single and hang out with my friends. He was extremely disappointed, and he actually talked me into agreeing to just be open to where things could go. He said he’d dial it back and that I can make my own decisions. I had planned an evening for baseball guy and I, and he agreed to go. He was still interested and he promised to take things back a bit. He admitted that he was too much too soon as well.
The weekday comes around and I’ve now fallen sick, probably over exhausting myself with worldly travels and weekend activities with mystery man. Baseball guy is a sweetheart and he is okay with not hanging out with me. He takes things slow and asks me to grab coffee with him at work. He makes me soup because he knows that I’m sick. He agrees to go grocery shopping with me, even though I became a little engrossed in some drama with the group of friends (friends prying and trying to figure out if I’m still with mystery man). Baseball guy is taking it easy for once, and I find this to be really attractive. It also helps that he’s dressed really nicely, and got a haircut! I’m so glad that I haven’t yet shooed him away for good, and now I’m really looking forward to getting to know him slowly and spending time with him. I do believe that there is something there, but he needs to allow it to grow and not try to smother it with everything he’s got.
Things are easy with mystery man because we have a history. It’s easy to get back into the jive of things because we know each other and we know how to enjoy each other’s company. We have comfort, but it’s not perfect. With baseball guy, things are new and they are dynamic. We’re still scoping each other out, and figuring out what we like and what we don’t like. I don’t know how to like him yet, and I don’t know what he has to offer, or what I have that I could offer him. It’s much harder because I don’t know if I could love him and I don’t know what might happen if it were that case that I realize that I can’t love him. It’s scary. I don’t know what I might feel like if I were in love with him and become attached. I’m scared to let go of mystery man.