I’m not heartbroken anymore, and I no longer miss mystery man’s touch but I’m still excited when I’m around him. I forget that we’re no longer together. Sleeping in the same bed as him feels comfortable but not the same because I know now that he doesn’t have the same feelings for me.
I feel different around him than I do baseball guy. Baseball guy makes me feel comfortable, reassured, and cared for. He makes me feel adored and smart and appreciated. He’s everything that I am looking for in a partner, loving, honest, and willing. He’s not unattractive, and actually I find him to be more attractive physically than mystery man. He and I share similar values, more so than mystery man.
The problem is that for some reason I still prefer to be in the presence of mystery man, even though he doesn’t pay attention to me, he is distracted by other people or other things. When I’m actually with him, I feel…. there’s actually no English word to describe it… and the best translation is probably a combination of disappointed, let down and just tired of his shit. He just isn’t always mentally present when we are together. He takes me for granted and he never puts in enough effort.
My priorities to spend time with mystery man above the baseball guy is becoming really apparent to myself. While baseball guy keeps his weekends kind of open to spend time with me, I’m checking to see what the group of friends are up to so that I can see mystery man. I deflect baseball guy’s request to talk over the phone while I’m with mystery man.
If baseball guy gave me a chance to miss him, I probably would. I do like him and he makes my world spin. Like I said, right now he’s this God sent guy, and we have a fantastic connection. I know that had we had this before mystery man entered the picture, I would be all for it.
On the other hand, juggling the two guys has kept the connection between baseball guy and I moving much slower, which is good. I want him to really know what he’s getting into. He’s burning this really hot fire for me right now and I wonder whether that would last at all. In some sense I wonder if he just likes the idea of being with someone again after getting out of a long term relationship. As a friend, he told me that he enjoys being single and that he doesn’t feel like answering to anyone in a relationship. I get the sense that he himself is moving faster than he should be.
I’m really struggling with the friendship dynamic with mystery man. My close friends and family tell me to let it go. They know that I’m holding on because I like him, and while that is partly true, there’s other things on the line too, other friendships that I don’t want to jeopardize. And part of me wants to see if I can do this. I’ve never been friends with an ex-lover because there’s just too many emotions for him or for me.
I know the right thing to do is to at least commit to plans made. If plans are made with friends (including mystery man), or if plans are made with baseball guy, the least I could do is to commit to them. Just tonight, I’m struggling not to leave baseball guy to hang out with the friends, even though he booked me well in advance. I can hang with the friends tomorrow. And, it’s not like I ever regret hanging out with baseball guy over the friends.
If I had a boyfriend, mystery man would be okay. I was thinking about how the dynamic would change and I think that the only difference would be that he won’t stay over anymore. He’d still be flirty with me, his usual self, and we would still hang out. We could even hang out with just us, no big deal really. I’m just finding it emotionally difficult to accept this change.