Emotionally Conflicted 

Mystery man told me that he is emotionally conflicted, which is one of the reasons why he can’t be with me.  I can see his conflict, and my guess is that the other girl in the group partly has something to do with it.  Even if he denies it, there are just too many signs.  The way he interacts with her, how he shows up to events that she attends.  Just recently he insisted on inviting her over for dinner with us.  It’s true that he must have other reasons to not want to be in a relationship, but this most definitely is a factor.  He thinks that he is sly about it but it shows and he tries to be secretive.  He hides his phone and he doesn’t even let me look at his phone.  He’s aware of when her boyfriend is around and acts differently when he is there.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel after the post breakup hookup with mystery man, and I was afraid that I would feel torn and more heartbroken, but I don’t.  Actually, I feel that our interactions were very much driven by physical bonds and sexual desires.  I feel more repulsed by the thought of him.  I still have my balanced view of him and I think that I am actually able to see things more objectively now.  

Even in our physical interactions, he is selfish and is okay with not reciprocating oral sex on multiple occasions.  He offers me nothing more than friendship, and even that is questionable because he is receiving benefits.

On the other hand, I am the one that is emotionally conflicted when it comes to baseball guy.  I like him, but there are so many things that holds me back and makes me apprehensive.  Of course mystery man and my lingering feelings for him plays a role in this.  I just think that I need time to myself before I jump into anything new.  I am hoping that going slow would help ease me into things.  I like spending time with him.  

What is great though is that my apprehension about baseball guy is probably just making him work harder for me.  I am not going crazy, accepting all of his advances, and over analyzing things.  He knows this.

I feel good about how things have progressed and I’m curious to see where things can go.  I have options outside of mystery man, and I have a better grasp now of the situation.

Funny how the hookup helped me with more clarity.  I think it’s because I was just missing the physical component of the relationship so much that it blurred my entire view of him.  I thought about my loss, and all the good times that we had.  I dismissed all of the bad things, even as I mentally forced myself by reading things that I had written about the terrible situation and how he had treated me.  I forget how self conscious he made me feel and how selfish he is and how distant he is.

He thinks we are back to normal, aka being friends with benefits.  I think that I’m just finally understanding the situation and am starting to figure out what I want.

I got the chance to really open up to mystery man.  I told him a lot about my background, my parents and their health problems, estate planning concerns and my demanding career.  I had other things that make me who I am too.  I am not yet looking to get married and have children immediately.  I shared a lot.  I wanted him to know me, because we have a lot in common. I wanted him to see that and hopefully also share about himself.  Similar to the phone situation, although he listened, he did not reciprocate and wasn’t as open.  I felt good that I could at least try to connect with him.  I’ve now put it out there, and not have regrets about it.

Something changed.  I don’t see mystery man in the same way.


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