Finding Balance

I’m really glad to no longer be feeling heart-broken by mystery man.  It felt exceptionally bad because we have lots of mutual friends and I would continue to see him.  I was just in tears all the time, and especially when I talked about it.  I was spilling my heart to everyone that would lend an ear, not because I needed advice, but I just wanted to express and tell this horrible dating saga story.  On a business trip that I was on, I just curled up and cried in my hotel.  I didn’t eat and I slept, or at least was in bed as much as possible.  Waking up was the worst.  I would always waking up with the fear that he would find someone that was better than me and that he loved more and that he would treat much better than me.  This whole break-up thing does not get easier, and especially when he’s around and I have to see him at events.

I am grateful to be able to wake up, and not feel pangs of anxiety and feelings of loss every morning.  I no longer feel like I’m going to die without him.  I’m not yet over it and I still have feelings for him, but it’s a lot more balanced now.  In speaking to a former colleague and mentor of mine about mystery man, he said something that really clicked with me.  He said that mystery man is not necessarily a bad person, he just isn’t going to deliver on the expectations that I have.  This mentor said that mystery man would be best as a tier 2 or tier 3 type of guy, someone to have around that would be a fun companion to fill the time but not someone that can be relied on or someone I can expect monogamy from.  It makes sense that that is the only reasonable way for me to think about him.

Most people tell me to just cut him out of my life, and I agree that would be the easiest thing to do, however I would be losing a part of my life that I’m not yet ready to let go of, our mutual friends.  And a part of me likes to think that there could be something to gain in being just friends.  I’ve never been friends with someone that I’ve dated before, and he seems to be opened to that.  My mentor gave me a good perspective, maybe I shouldn’t see him as being toxic or the devil just because it would be easy to label it as that.  Maybe the right way to think about the right interaction or relationship for us is a healthy balance that I should allow him to direct.

What does he want from me, and do I want the same thing?  I think that he wants companionship from me with no expectations, freedom to do what he wants.  He is okay with having a non-sexual relationship with me.  I think I can make this work, especially now that baseball guy is in the picture.  Baseball guy is great, and I’m going to be putting more efforts to be more open with him and get to know him better.  Mystery man can just be a little distraction that would help me stay away from getting too serious with baseball guy too soon.

I am also starting to come to accept that mystery man and I will never be together, and should never be together.  We have some bigger disconnects, despite our very similar personality and common values.  I realize that we do not share similar values when it comes to money.  He values money and wealth much higher than I do and this is apparent in the way he shops, how he manages his day-to-day monetary decisions and his life priorities.  I value being emotionally connected to others, and just generally being an open person higher than he does.  It’s important for me to be able to connect with other people, it defines me and is actually one of the main reasons why I am so good at my job, so I’m proud of it.  In addition to these differences in values, I find it difficult to trust someone like him.  He is very secretive and is too comfortable with white lies, and omitting details.  I just can’t see someone like him at this moment having the capacity to be in a loving and monogamous relationship, which is something that is important to me.

Again, that said, doesn’t mean that he is the devil.  We are just different, and that’s just how it is.  I am grateful to have spent the time that we spent together, despite the anxiety it caused me.  I was curious about him.  I wanted to see how far things can go, and I did.  I need to cut my losses at this time, and really come to realize that this will never happen, for the better of the both of us.

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One thought on “Finding Balance

  1. I think this is very good advice your friend gave you. It sounds like these are misaligned expectations of one another. Someone wanting a more casual relationship and being honest about it just means they are looking for a different type of relationship; definitely does not make them the devil.

    That being said, that does not negate the pain this makes you feel. We cannot choose who we love. It’s great that you’ve identified your misaligned values as well. One day at a time; you will find your way! 🙂

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