The Baseball Guy

I’ve mentioned the baseball guy before.  He is a colleague of mine that took me to the baseball game and out for brunch around my birthday.  He didn’t show much effort after that, as it seems he was still emotionally bounded by his past relationship.  I didn’t think much of it because I was already too emotionally involved myself with the mystery man.

Since the mystery man and I have split, baseball guy has been going to lengths to pursue me.  Coincidentally, after our break-up, baseball guy calls and asks to go out for brunch.  I wanted mystery man to help me with picking up some tire rims for my car, but instead baseball guy did that for me.  He has been a gentleman and has bought me flowers and called me to chat with me.

I feel like he is someone that I could like, however I just felt like I couldn’t emotionally remove myself from mystery man enough to give him a real chance yet.  Every time I’m with him, I can still feel mystery man’s connection with me.  I’ve been upfront and told him that I very recently stopped dating someone that I really liked, and that I just want to chill for a bit.  As he confessed his feelings for me, I told him that I am apprehensive at this time but I am opened to getting to know him better.

I know that mystery man has nothing more to offer me than his friendship, and maybe the occasional solo slightly intimate companionship hangouts at my place.  Baseball guy on the other hand is genuinely trying to get to know me better and has been the most willing guy that I’ve ever met.  He listens to what my interests are and puts in effort to do these things.  We have a lot in common as well.

I don’t want to rush into things, but I also don’t want to forego an opportunity here.  I really wish that I could go into this with a clear mind, however, mystery man’s constant pull on me and surprise appearances aren’t helping.

What helps is being away from work.  I’ve taken time off, really to focus on myself.  I’m getting massages, doing a lot of writing and exploring different things.  Apparently, I found that just giving into the urge to sleep off the depression feeling helps.  The other day I think I slept over 12 hours, and just waking up a few times for water and bathroom breaks.  I really think that if my body is asking for this much sleep, then it needs it.  I find that sleep helps process my thoughts and gives me perspective, although I do find that it’s a usual occurrence to wake up and think about mystery man.

I’ve now heard myself rant about mystery man to almost all of my close friends, family, and colleagues.  Each time, the story is ridiculous and I’m clearly not even seeking advice, I’m just ranting.  What I have to do is very clear, just get over mystery man and move on.

As I thought more about this apology visit of his, and his friendship offer, I felt that his gesture of coming over to just hang out was more of a selfish move to make him feel better about leading me on.  It was also because he wanted companionship and feel like things were normal again, and less about making me feel better.  Although it gave me perspective into what he has to offer, it’s not healthy for me.  The whole time, I’m trying to savour the moment, knowing that it was fleeting.  Hanging onto every word he was saying, and just trying to appreciate every moment of it knowing that it won’t last.  There’s a reason why it didn’t work out, and I need to let this go in order for me to explore new things.  I’m definitely putting mystery man on a pedestal and I need to stop.

Baseball guy deserves a chance, and for now I am openly accepting his phone calls, and some of his offers to go out.  I’ve also decided to ditch the usual group of friends including mystery man on new years eve, and getaway with the baseball guy on a skiing/snowboarding road trip.  It’s a huge move for me, because I know part of me wants to go out and hope that mystery man isn’t flirting too much with the other ladies that night so that I can have a good time, and have him come home to me.  Going away for a bit I’m hoping will also help me.

I know that if I wasn’t so emotionally bogged down, that I really would like baseball guy.  He really is my type and honestly this guy has given me so much more attention and respect than anyone else that I’ve ever dated.  I deserve to be treated in this way, and now all I need to do is to willingly accept it and let go of these emotional strings that tie me down.

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