Mystery man is putting in some efforts to to just be friends, and it’s kind of a similar-type effort that he put in for being more than friends. It’s definitely laughable. He came over, he rolled a joint while I tried to do a tarot card reading on him and then we smoked up, got dinner and then watched cartoons with minimal cuddling action.
He misses me, there’s no doubt about it. Earlier in the day, he apologized to me about leading me on and told me how he felt like an asshole about it. So essentially, he’s feeling remorseful for being a bad person to me, so he’s coming to me to help himself feel better about it all. It’s ironic, but I am okay. I am okay because I understand him. He doesn’t need to tell me this for me to get him, and I don’t need him to apologize to me before I even forgive him.
He is firm with his friendship offer, and I like that as it doesn’t allow me to have false hope that we could be anything more than that. I can actually see that he is conflicted and is not at all ready for a relationship. Even as we sat at dinner, he struggled to find things to talk to me about. We got distracted with looking at other patrons, scratching a lottery card and I filled the rest of the time talking about a mutual friend of ours that we should try to make amends with. The one topic that he was able to easily relate with was my complaint about having to pay too much taxes on capital gains this year.
I think he tried really hard to make things normal again between us, and I really appreciate that. Even if it is for selfish reasons, he is the only person that I’ve ever been with that has actively played a role in trying to make the friendship work. Maybe severing ties, even though it is the easier thing to do it may not be the most rewarding in the end. In my past relationships, all I have known is severing ties because it’s either too difficult for me or the other person to continue being friends.
I don’t know about love, but I am certainly attached to him. This friendship business is hard because I can feel the entire time that I am trying to cherish every single moment with him. I want to make the most out of our time together, and I want to get to know him better while keeping a balance of light conversation. Maybe I do love him because I can understand that the best thing for him at this moment is to focus on his career and himself and not be with me.
I feel so much better now to be able to get this closure. I thought I was fine after we broke up, but actually it felt good to hear him apologize and acknowledge it. It makes me feel that he is sincere in his reasoning as to why we cannot be together. He says that there is no one else in the picture, and his gesture makes me feel confident in what he says.
Even so, I will continue to let him take the lead here and try to not push for him to do things with me. I cannot wait for him or plan my life around him. I do have another love interest that I am going to try to open myself up to explore in the meantime. I want to take it slow since I still feel like I have this hanging over my head a little bit, but I do feel better about it.
I cannot continue hoping that he will change his mind, but what I can do is to focus on myself and do what I need to do. I will remain open, but passive in this friendship with him until I feel better about things. Honestly, it’s probably more likely that we will never get together again, and the extra time help me re-affirm my decision to leave him.