Power Struggle

After having spent some time away from mystery man (electively), I started to forget all of the terrible things he did to me and how terrible it was to be with him.  I started to wonder if we could compromise on what we wanted and get back together.  I flirted with that thought so much that I was able to see myself hooking up with him.  It felt dangerous, but I couldn’t stop.

So having not messaged him for awhile, I started some small talk, which he responded to.  Then he even initiated some messages with me later on in the week.  It felt like he missed me.  I had a feeling that he might initiate something the next time we saw each other.

Last night, we saw each other at a mutual friend’s birthday party.  I was playful and had him put away my coat.  I flirted with him and put my poncho on him, and he was also flirty and tried to photo-bomb my photos.  I had a few drinks and joked and asked the waitress to put my drinks on his tab.  He paid for my drinks.  It was just a little bit of flirty fun, but when I thought I lost my phone and asked him to call it, he told me that he didn’t have my number on his new phone and was really unhelpful with helping me try to find it.  Another thing that hurt me was when the other girl in the group made fun of him being a man whore… it was probably true.  She knows a lot about him, and if that is her conclusion then it’s likely that she knows that he is sleeping around.

As we made our way to the second venue, he offered to drive a few of us and I called dibs in his car.  I took shotgun, because the others were behind us.  It was like I was now the one pretending that everything is the same as it was before.  Making our way to the karaoke bar, I told a few inappropriate stories about some bad dates that I’ve been on (a long time ago).  He was generally disinterested, didn’t add with his own stories, but made some comments.  He shared some of his alcoholic concoction with me, which he discreetly sneaked into the venue.

I was sobering up at this point, and now I’m keeping a distance from him.  I noticed that he wasn’t putting any efforts into talking to me or anything so I do the same.  At one point we started singing a song that we had tried to dance to on one of our dates, and I commented that I really liked this song; his gave me a “really?” reaction.  I was now the one making awkward inside jokes with him.  I put my arms around him, and jokingly talk to him about this gift that he should be buying me to apologize to me.  Others are noticing that we are flirty again, but I don’t care.  I’m ignoring all of the guys that normally give me some attention.

The end of the night comes and everyone decides to go home.  I ask him for a ride home and he agrees.  He thinks about getting McDonald’s, and I encourage it.  We order two burgers to-go, and he makes me pay since I guess he got my drinks earlier.  He jokes about how my cousin doesn’t like him anymore after we broke-up.  We talk about how I buy her stuff and I joked that if he bought me stuff, I’d love him too.  I think that maybe we would go back to my place to eat it, but I’m not sure at this point.

As we walk to the car, I feel this elated sense of joy.  I’m addicted to him and just being in his presence is making me happy.  I am giddy with happiness, and I start thinking about the crash and how this is not real and is just a bit of a show that I put on for myself to pretend to myself and others in the group that we are still together.

He drives me home, and I wonder whether he will stay.  He divvies up the sandwiches.  I gather myself and stop telling dumb stories to ask about his holidays and his family.  He asks about mine.  He drives pass the garage door and I realize that he will not be staying and I am okay with this.  I quickly remove my seatbelt and give him a hug, which he accepted awkwardly.  I verbally said that was really awkward, and he said he was surprised by the hug so we tried again.

I am relieved that neither of us asked about coming back to my place together.  I think it shows that he has reservations or hopefully respect.  On my side, I’m really proud of myself for not.  Waking up in the morning, it definitely was a “thank goodness” moment.  I vow that I needed more time away from him, and that he was probably scared away by my forward actions.  In the previous week, I he was the one that asked to stay over and I was the one removing his hands around my waist and left early because I didn’t want to feel terrible.

I’m starting to feel down, but then I tell myself that at least now I know that this won’t happen…Then he messages me, right at that moment when I start feeling okay again.  He teases me about a photo where I’m clearly adoring his chubby cheeks.  We have some banter about the scandalous photos we may have of each other.  My blood is racing, my heartbeat is going… and I’m afraid I am again under his spell.  He won’t let me go, and I won’t let him go and it seems like it will be never-ending.

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