The phrase “He’s just not that into you,” is a hoax, and I know the person that coined this is now famous and it’s also the title of a book and movie now but I do not believe in this bullshit.
When someone tells me, “He’s just not that into you,” as a way of telling me in a very harsh way to give up on this guy who I am into, I start to wonder whether they really know what they are saying or are just throwing around pop culture phrases. Firstly, I admit that their point of ditching the guy, and nipping the relationship in the butt is likely perfectly valid – but I still feel like this phrase is just not applicable.
Okay, so the phrase is catchy and it is harsh. You probably should stop seeing this guy, but the reason why I don’t agree with it is because, “He’s just not that into you,” implies that there is something wrong with you. When my friend said this to me, I was an emotional disaster and really insecure about where things were going so I started to think that I just wasn’t good enough for him. There must be something about me or something that I did that turned him off. And I’m the type that would mull into this for days listing out all of the possible reasons. Come on, you can’t tell a modern girl this and think that she will just let it slide. If there is something wrong with me then I want to know so that I can improve myself. As a millennial (yes, I identify myself as a millennial), I’m always looking for ways to self-improve myself, and I am definitely not going to let this phrase slide so easily.
What I came to realize however is that it isn’t about me. I’m not saying there is nothing wrong with me, but usually the reason why the relationship didn’t work is because of us, as a couple, at that moment in time. Providing a more objective view (by looking at past relationships, rather than current ones that I am emotionally involved in), I can see that my first real boyfriend wasn’t right for me at all. It didn’t work out because he was not in a mental state where he would be able to prioritize a real relationship nor was he the right kind of person at that time to nurture a loving relationship. After we broke-up, he chased one of his close friends for a bit but she was never into him so that didn’t work. Then he ended up with with someone briefly, but treated her so badly that she ended up leaving him. He was self-centred and was not able to put someone ahead of himself, which was a problem that carried onto his next relationship it seems.
The Traveller, the man that is a large reason why I started this blog ended it with me because I asked where things were going and he wasn’t able to admit that he didn’t want to commit to anything long-term. He dated this other girl for awhile, and it seems like things didn’t last too long, which is why he e-mailed me two years later for likely, a booty call.
I have more examples, but I’ll stop there. Was it really because these guys were “… just not into me,”? No, it’s because they really were not looking for a long-term relationship. It wasn’t because of something that I was doing wrong or something that was wrong with me. In this modern age, it is the norm to want to have more superficial and short-term affairs for the purposes of companionship and sexual conveniences. It’s so common for men in their 20’s to want these short-term affairs, especially when their lives are not yet settled and has a fair bit of uncertainty.
So please, don’t tell me that when he makes an excuse about being busy at work, or school or that he doesn’t have time for a relationship that it is all bullshit and that he doesn’t really like me. He actually doesn’t know what he would like in a long-term partner at all, in fact, he probably hasn’t given it a second thought. These guys have a one-track mind and are not able to juggle a relationship in their already full lives. And it’s likely that they won’t change in the near future.
Maybe “Just nip it!” is a better phrase. The relationship probably needs to stop, because it’s an unhealthy relationship that is not going anywhere. And it isn’t because you are not the right lady for him, but because he’s not looking for the same thing as you or he hasn’t realize what he wants yet.