I’m Broken

I like mystery man because he is emotionally reserved, which makes it seem like he is in control of his emotions and of the situation that he is in.  I like him because he is ambitious in his career, and because he portrays that he is capable in the business world.  I’ve also known early on that he is selfish, deceptive, manipulative and sneaky.  There is thought to his actions, and they are usually self-serving.  I’ve not only fallen for his good characteristics, but his bad ones.  I decided that we could be good life partners before I could even say that I love him.

I’ve realized why I like mystery man, and why I seem to fall for the same type of emotionally reserved men.  They all portray similarities to my own father.  My father was born a businessman and he used to tell me stories about how he would deceive people to make business deals, he would invest in relationships with the right people for self-serving purposes, he is devoted to his business and it is his life.  On the outside, my father was generally emotionally reserved, and he rarely expresses positive emotions or praise towards others.  He cared for his family but he does not emotionally express his love, and he is a poor husband and father.

In order to deal with his stress, he drinks.  He is a functioning alcoholic for most of his life.  His business is very successful, but he is always keeping busy and thinking about the next step.  His business is his life priority and what truly drives him, and he brings back his earnings to his family which is how he justifies working all the time.  As a husband, he is not able to control his anger, and has outbursts of (usually drunken) rage.  As a father, he has good intentions however his interaction with his children usually has a disciplinary purpose or is a drunken rage.  Many people get along with him and find his intelligence, wit and humour amusing, but there are not many who can become close friends with someone as volatile as him.  Those who are close to him are able to stroke his ego and turn a blind eye to his negative traits.

My mother’s relationship with my father seems to resemble much of the dating disasters that I’ve gone through in my blog.  It’s not that my mother is attracted to these types of men, she is very unlike me and had little choice in who she married.  She was in her mid 30’s and had never really dated until she met my father.  She was setup with him, and just accepted it as her life.  They are still together, because that’s how life works in the Asian culture.  You make a vow and you stick with it.  My mother is the passive one in the relationship, she plays a support role to my father and does whatever she can to help him be successful.  She is caring, has a big heart, but is not as intelligent as my father.

When my father goes on one of his abusive rages, my mother remains silent.  She is powerless.  Although she has valid points, she doesn’t know how to effectively communicate them aside from nagging, which doesn’t bode well with my father.  When he makes rash and questionable life decisions, the only thing she can do is rally up support from other friends and family members.  When he’s sick, she cares for him and worries about him.  While he also cares for her and sticks up for her, he is the man of the house and he acts like one.

Similarly to me in my relationships, I actually prefer to be the passive one.  I look for men who can take charge, or at least are capable of assuming the role even if they make poor decisions.  If I have something to say that may result in conflict, I tend to avoid saying it where possible.  As I’ve matured, I’ve noticed this and make a conscious effort to have open communication in my relationships now.  It doesn’t help that I continue falling for the same type of guys.

Even as a child, I knew that my father was holding me back in life due to his selfishness.  He wanted certain things for me, but it had to be within his terms, for example, he wanted me to stay in town for school so he could keep watch over me and feel that he can still keep watch over me.  It was a caring gesture, but also a selfish one.  He wouldn’t let me hang out with friends or participate in sports, because he thought that I should be studying harder.  I vowed to myself that as much as possible, I won’t let having a father like him affect my life and personal growth, and here I am suffering because of him.

I can see these common traits in the men that I have fallen for, especially more recently: emotional reservation, charisma, intelligence, ambitiousness, questionable morals, inability to love.  The traveller, the pie guy, socks jock, and most recently, mystery man all have these traits that I find so addictive.

These men inspire me to aim for more in my career, and it makes me think that by being with them, I could be so much more and that we would be a super couple together.  What I want from these men is for them to do what they are not capable of doing, loving me and working with me as partners in life.  I want them to care for me when I am in need, and I want for them to be by my side.  None of these men have ever really cared for me or been by my side when I needed them.  They never saw me as a partner, and they envision their life as a solo journey.  Their approval of me to be their partner means so much more to me because I can tell that they would not be okay with just anyone.

It’s difficult to explain this addiction to anyone who has never gone through it before.  This is why my friends and family are in shock whenever I tell about the shit that I put up with, and start to question my own self-respect and ability to stand up for myself.  With these types of guys, winning their love and loving them is not easy.  They are nice, and have very considerate gestures and their negative traits makes me think that I am the only person that can appreciate these traits of theirs.  I want them to acknowledge my intelligence and see that in many ways, I am very much like them.  I am ambitious, I want to win in life, I am intelligent and can keep up with them and I can also be the supporting figure that will make them successful.

None of the men that I’ve listed, as far as I know, have had anything except for short-term lady friends after being with me.  They do not see relationships in that way and merely as a good past time.  I recall pie guy telling me that he is convincing his brother to find a lady friend, for some excitement in his life.  It’s like looking for an attractive friend and seeing if they would be willing to give you a penis massage and some extras!  The thing is that these men are not unwanted, these traits are attractive to other women.  These men are smooth, experienced, they know how to talk.  What I do notice however is that the types of women that are attracted to these guys are either really oblivious to his personality traits or have some kind of psychological problems, like myself.  Essentially, the women that these men attract are broken.



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